The Effect of Others

I care about what people think. I don't want to. I pretend not to. But I do. Way too much.

One joke about my sunday attire from my aunt made me want to completely change my wardrobe.

One nasty yet honest message from an ex boss had me crying to my parents like my heart was broken.

One varying opinion about how God speaks to us made me start wondering if I was hearing God correctly.

I can survive a lot of things. I can live without running water. I can go without food. I can live in extreme conditions. I can have crisis after crisis hit me and those around me, and I can not only survive but thrive. But as soon as someone attacks me, I fall apart.

I guess I'm like Clara Barton in that regard. Whenever a crisis hit, she was all business and she took care of everyone around her. She was the strongest woman ever when it came to taking care of people. But when it came to defending herself, she couldn't do it. When someone bullied her or attacked her, she crumbled.

I don't like it. Not only do I not like having a weakness (a remnant of the old me, who felt she had to be strong in all aspects) but I hate the effect it has on my relationship with Christ. My trust in Him falters. I start listening to those around me, rather than His voice. I start to question everything He's told me, not questioning Him but rather questioning my ability to hear Him. I start to feel very isolated and distant, and start thinking that maybe it's all in my head.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the
prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games
goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we
do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man
running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body
and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not
be disqualified for the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

The only opinion I should worry about is God's. The only voice I should listen to is God's. I cannot get sidetracked. I cannot be dissuaded or discouraged. I cannot stop or slow down. I must beat my body and make it my slave. I must continue on, staying in strict training so that I am not disqualified.

Because no matter what people say, God is still sovereign. God still reigns. And He is the only one I am accountable to. He is the one who calls me forward, who runs alongside me, who is my trainer and my friend and my lover. My parents do not do that, my friends do not do that, my boss does not do that, my pastor does not do that. As valuable as they are to me, they are nothing compared to my Saviour. I would forsake all those relationships before I would forsake my Father.

And so I run. I run for Christ. I run for His glory. I run for His kingdom. The only voice I hear is my Coach's. The only advice I heed is my Coach's. The only face I search for in the crowd is my Coach's. The only approval I seek is His. I run to win His prize.

My beautiful bride,
You are so beautiful to Me. I wish for one moment that you could see what I
see when I look at you. When I gaze at you, I see a treasure ready to be
discovered, a princess ready to shine, and a bride ready to be loved. When I
look at you...I love what I see! If you could grasp how beautiful you are in My
eyes, then you would never feel insecure again. The beauty I created you to be
is a reflection of Me, My love. I created you in My image, so never doubt again
that your eternal beauty is a breath of heaven!
Love,
Your Adoring Prince,

"For your royal Husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your
Lord."
- Psalm 45:11

My actions are for Him. Everything I do is for Him. These things can be criticized and analyzed by others, but I know that only He can judge me. But when it comes to my physical attributes, these I often feel are judged and I feel the less for it. I don't feel pretty or beautiful or acceptable by the world's standards.

But my Husband finds me delightful. When He sees me, He desires to wrap me up in His arms and shower me with kisses. My beauty moves His heart. My eyes draw Him in. My scent is intoxicating to Him. He desires nothing more than to be near to me.

With love like that, I find that I don't give a rat's butt what you think about me.

Obedience: The Name of the Game

Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God's presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him....I must first get the issue settled between God and myself in the secret places of my soul, where no one else can interfere. Then I can go ahead, knowing with certainty that the battle is won.
- Oswald Chambers

I love how everything God shows me builds on each other. I love how I learn a new facet of a concept I thought I understood.

It's cool to read things from Oswald Chambers and realize that God has been teaching these very concepts to me. Oswald just hits the nail on the head everytime, verbalizes for me what I already know in my subconscious.

You can't learn biblical truths outside of His presence. It won't stick. I have 20 years of experience to attest to that. You won't get it. It won't make sense. You won't recognize the significance. I get frustrated with my siblings for not understanding "simple" biblical concepts, but I've come to realize that not only was I the same way when I was their age, but it's because I wasn't in God's presence that it didn't make sense. That's why everything is so fresh and new to me right now...because I'm learning everything anew, in His presence...and I'm REALLY learning it this time. The stuff I repeated over and over in Sunday School is making sense...the Bible is coming alive!

Things that I don't understand, concepts that are difficult or confusing, all of these things I have to work through with God's supervision. My faith has to become real and true and genuine and unique to me before I can go out and use it in the world.

...every once and a while, God brings us to a major turning point - a crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory.
- Oswald Chambers

This is the point I have found myself. Every morning God wakes me up and I spend time soaking up as much as I can. During the day, He stays with me and whispers to me new things and new thoughts. Before I go to bed, He ministers to my heart and encourages me. The intimacy is astounding. The love is everlasting. The fire is unquenchable.

My Lord and Husband,
I am in awe. What a strange and wondrous thought to think of You, my God, as my eternal Husband. There is something so astonishing about discovering I am your Bride, the Bride of Christ. Yes, I want You to lift the veil and let me see You as my Prince and me as your Princess Bride. You are the one true love my heart has longed for all my life. So today I stand at Your altar ready to surrender my heart, my soul, and all that I am...May I find myself as I begin to seek You with all that is within me.
Love,
Your Princess Bride

"Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready."
- Revelations 19:7

I gladly submit. I gladly obey. I gladly sacrifice. I gladly surrender.

Wedding Ring

So I'm at work, polishing some glasses in the back. I'm by myself and just kinda thinking about stuff. Trying to get my mind in a good spot for work. Talking to the Holy Spirit, all that good stuff. I dunno how it happened or how I got to that point but God told me to buy a ring for myself. Which is weird, since He just told me to limit my spending to the absolute minimum and pay off my debts. He said that this ring would be a gift from Him (since all my money is His money anyway), that I should wear it on my wedding ring finger as a reminder of how much He loves me. In essence, God proposed to me.

I know it's crazy. I think Christians in general are sick of hearing "I'm married to Jesus" and all that jazz. I know I sound like a nutcase. But God does crazy things...which is why I like Him so much.

Here's the deal. I've known, ever since I got to that dating age, that God didn't want me dating. In the back of my mind, I knew that my pursuit should not be dating. I knew before every boyfriend I ever had that I was not supposed to date that person...that not only were they NOT right for me, but that I wasn't supposed to be dating yet anyway. I knew that there was something I needed to learn, some state of being I had to attain before I would be ready to date and before God would bring me someone worth dating. But I've always been so desperate to be loved, that I would chase men down whether for a relationship, for companionship, for a hook up, whatever it was. So finally God had me commit to one whole year of not dating...and not only not dating, but not pursuing any kind of relationship with a man. Not to spend any extra time than I have to with guy friends, not to spark up new friendships with guys, not to entertain advances from guys, not to flirt around, not to play around. Nada, nothing.

I know none of y'all are in my brain...but that's very hard for me. My brain is trained to immediately size up all the eligible bachelors in the room as soon as I walk in and to watch them to see if they are showing even the slightest interest in me. It's a frigging disease. I didn't realize how insane I am until I tried to stop. And it's gotten hardcore ridiculous.

So I guess when I was polishing those glasses, I was thinking about how hard it is to not want guys to show interest in me and how it will command all my attention, especially while I'm at work. And I was thinking about how it's even harder when the guys start flirting with me first. I guess that's when God interjected with His proposal. Wearing a ring as if I am married is a good deterrent to guys advances and it's a great reminder to myself to act as if I was married.

Which I am. Aren't we all, as Christians, the bride of Christ?

"For your Maker is your Husband,
the Lord of Hosts is His name,
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth He is called"
- Isaiah 54:5

I've been reading this verse over and over and over. I absolutely love it. This is how God has been presenting Himself to me recently, as my Husband. He's trying to show me that when I am desperate for love, I have someone to fulfill that. Before when I would turn to a guy to talk to, or to keep me from being lonely, now He's showing me that I have a Husband who does all of that. Every part of me desires that relationship, that husband that I wake up to and spend time with doing silly things like budgeting...and God's showing me that He already does that for me. He shows me how to use my money. He wakes me up in the morning. He is there with me as I sleep. He comforts me when I mess up. He gives me the energy I need to get through work.

He lead me to James Avery and had me buy a simple silver band. I was disappointed, wanting a ring with a rock on it, that was sparkly and shiny, since it's a "wedding" ring. But this ring is economically smarter and really, it fits me better. I'm not a sparkly kinda girl. I'm not a big, flashy rock kinda girl. I don't really need to impress people. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. This ring is simple and elegant. It fits my finger perfectly and everytime I see it, I feel joy flow through my body. I feel the Holy Spirit wrap His arms around me. I feel loved.

Thinking of God as my Husband helps me to rely on Him more. It helps me trust Him more. Our relationship is becoming more intimate. I'm not sad that I won't be dating this year, as I was at first. I'm not lonely. I don't fear the future. In fact, it will take a lot of convincing to get married I believe in the future when I do meet my husband.

When you have God, why long for anything else?

It is Definitely a White Christmas

God is sovereign. (Duh)

My family and I left for Kansas at 10:00 am on Christmas Eve. This was already a monumental trip for me because I wasn't dreading the trip like I normally do and because I was driving my car up there for the first time. Usually, I hate everything about our trip to Kansas. I hate the long drive, I hate being with my family, I hate that I don't get as many presents as I want, whatever it is I find something to hate and be grumpy about. But this year, God really has worked in my heart and changed it. Several months ago, He showed me that I was holding a lot of bitterness in my heart towards my Grandma and helped me to let go of it. After that was gone, I could recognize that my Grandma goes absolutely stir crazy making sure everything is perfect for Christmas, the only time we see her. So God told me to try and help her out, take the burden off her, by asking my family and my aunt's family to take responsibility for some of the meals. This would allow Grandma to actually sleep in some days and relax some during the day. And He asked that I drive myself up there so that we would have the room for all the presents and food and such that we would need to bring up north.

Little did I know that all this was just preparation, just getting my heart ready for what was to happen Christmas Eve.

2:35 pm on Christmas Eve found me in a ditch, facing the wrong side of the highway, with Oklahoma's worst blizzard blowing around me. After 45 minutes of waiting for my dad to turn around and come back to where me and my sister spun out (we were screaming on the walkie talkie while we spun out and "crashed" but my dad just thought we were playing around. It took several minutes to convince him we really were stuck) we then transferred all our belongings in my car to my dad's suburban which was already packed full. Once we were all back in the vehicle, sitting on top of things and buried underneath bags and blankets, my dad then proceeded to slowly back up to the on ramp so we could get to the nearby walmart...because visibility was so bad we couldn't see anything in front of us. Once in the walmart we wandered around for 3 hours to see if the storm would die down. It didn't. Walmart closed down and we drove the half mile to the shelter that Purcell, Oklahoma had put together for those stranded in the storm.

If I was in the normal "I hate my life" attitude I usually am for this trip, I would have been miserable at this point. Instead, I was having the time of my life. I felt like I was on an adventure! Spinning out on the road was like a roller coaster, fighting the snow storm getting to and fro was like being in a National Geographic special, and I had a blast wandering around Walmart (Dad had to keep me from spending all my money though haha). Once we were at the shelter, I went on an expedition to find coffee...and succeeded! I was able to get coffee started for the 100+ people who had gathered with us in the gym, which was cool. Then to pass the time me and my family played ninja wars for a while (which was very entertaining to everyone else stuck there I'm sure). When we realized we would be staying the night, I was able to help unload and clean cots for all the little kiddos, clean the bathrooms, change into jammies, wash my hair in the sink, and mop up all the water from the snow dragged in by everyone's boots. The next day while my dad drove a young woman home (her car was stuck and she was only 20 miles from home), me and my sisters helped serve breakfast to all those at the shelter and hotel stuck for the day. Ruby's was the only restaurant that would open up for us and made a big buffet breakfast for free. Me and my sisters helped by cleaning everything, picking up trash, directing people to where to get things, talking with whoever we could to keep their spirits up, and by gathering donations for the owners of the restaurant. We never got bored and when my dad came back with my car we finally headed for Kansas.

What's really cool is to recognize how my attitude really set the attitude for the trip. I could tell that my dad was getting tired and frustrated, especially while we were in Walmart. My sister Elise has the same temperament I have and easily could have adopted my same "I hate life" attitude if I had it at all. But because I stayed in good spirits the entire time and went around looking for ways to help, she and Candace followed suit. Elise made friends with several adults and struck up conversations everywhere she went. Candace helped a lot with the restaurant. It's just really cool to see how different this Christmas is from every other Christmas I've ever had. All because of this change God's done in my heart.

Got My Butt Kicked

It's crazy how quickly one can get off track. Satan knows just what to do to distract you. Don't think he takes a break or sleeps or even blinks when it comes to attacking you. You give him one little opportunity to injure you and he is going to take it.

Saturday night I worked til midnight, and didn't get to bed until almost 2am. I woke up at 9 the next morning and had to teach the pre-k sunday school class. For whatever reason, that class absolutely wiped me out...I was so tired afterwards. For lunch I went to Blue Cow for the wifi and instead of doing my time with God then like I had originally planned, I watched School of Rock instead. Bad idea.

That night I went to my friend's family Christmas party, which was a blast I blend in with his Mexican family very well (lol). However, I knew that I was in completely the wrong state of mind. I was in that "gotta hook up with someone" kinda mood and was fighting it all night. It didn't help that my friend had a very cute, very drunk cousin who would have been a very willing participant. The night ended well, I didn't conquer my own brain but did succeed in not following through on anything.

But when God woke me up this morning, before my alarm goes off at 6am, I simply rolled over. I didn't want to get up and spend time with Him. I wanted to sleep. Which of course meant that I slept too long and was almost late to work. Not only that, even though technically I got plenty of sleep last night, I do not feel refreshed today. This morning I was dragging for a good 4 or 5 hours before I finally started to feel like I was in at least 3rd gear.

This is not a casual stroll through the park that God has called me to. This is serious. This is for real. I can't take a day off from spending time with God. I can't get "too busy" or be "too tired". It can't happen. Because Satan will walk all over me if I give him the opportunity.

Yesterday at the party, I had an awesome opportunity to invite some people to my church...which would have changed their lives simply because I think my church is just that awesome...but because I wasn't prayed up, I think I didn't hear God's promptings and missed it. This morning, everyone was dragging...if I had woken up and gotten my gears rolling, I could have made a huge impact on the people I work with, and it would have made a difference in my service to my tables.

Lately God's really been breaking down on my ideas of helping people. You know, it's not my experiences that make my faith real. Just because God has always taken care of me and I have experienced some miracles doesn't mean I have genuine faith. My faith has to come from God's truth for it to be real.

My experience is not what makes redemption real - redemption is reality.

Never support an experience that does not have God as its Source and faith in God as its result.

Is JEsus Christ Lord of your experiences, or do you place your experiences above Him?

"I do not care what I experience - I am sure of Him!"

Faith based on experience is not faith; faith based on God's revealed truth is the only faith there is.

- Oswald Chambers

God never ceases to kick me in the butt with Oswald Chambers...thank goodness.

Evangelism...GO!

It's so crazy to me how hard Satan works to get us completely opposite of God's plans for us.

All my life I've known some things about myself. I was never going to be a stay at home mom, I probably wouldn't have kids at all, I was going to go to a prestigious school and get a great job and make something of myself (which hopefully included money as well), and I was certainly never going to be a missionary. I wanted to travel but on my terms, for business and such. And I sure as hell was never going to lead someone to Christ unless they walked up to me and asked me to...and even then, I probably wouldn't.

Oh how funny I used to be. Now I know that God's will for me is for me to not only be a stay at home mom, but to be a mom to whoever needs one. Not only has He told me I'm going to have several kids of my own, but that I will be adopting and be a foster parent for years and years after my own children have left the house. I am not going to school at all, and may never actually get a degree...and if I do, it probably won't be one that's acceptable in the professional world. I am definitely going to travel but not for business! I am definitely called to be a missionary and I am DEFINITELY called to be an evangelist. Oh boy.

So recently God has been teaching me things about evangelism, about the lost, about being a missionary, to get rid of all the fallacies and lies Satan had been feeding me for 20 years of my life. For instance, I have always been a "preach the love of God" fanatic and have never liked hearing fire and brimstone sermons. In fact, I always believed that those people who preached a fire and brimstone, "repent and be saved", message were faaaaaar from God. So I just always discredited them. But today God told me that they are preaching the message He wants said.

If you are sensitive to God's way, your message as His servant will be merciless and insistent, cutting to the very root. Otherwise there will be no healing.

-Oswald Chambers

So really, if my spirit was fully in line with God, and I was allowing Him to use me as His vessel, than I should be saying things that don't allow people to hide from their sin. Things that force them to look at the unpleasant things about them and come to terms with it. Because God can't heal someone, can't bring them to Himself if they aren't listening and if they don't know that they need Him.

If a person cannot go to God, it is because he has something secret which he does not intend to give up - he may admit his sin, but would no more give up that thing than he could fly under his own power.
-Oswald Chambers

One reason I don't like talking to unbelievers about sin and about finding grace in Christ is because I'm afraid they won't accept. In fact, I'm afraid they'll be pissed off. But I have to continually remind myself that it is not me they are mad at, it is God. And that it is their own fault if they do not accept, not mine.

The best advice I have gotten today, that my church The Community At Lakeridge really adheres to, is to "deal with people where they are, until they begin to realize their true need." I love that whole idea...because it combines my desire to love people as God loves them with the "repent" mindset that I hate so much...it takes both extremes and brings them to a happy middle, which is what the life of a Christian is all about...everything in moderation.

I'm still scared. It's still a huge deal for me to climb out on that limb. But I also know that God has given me a job where I come into contact with a lot of people for practice and surrounded me with people who have the same calling on their lives as examples and encouragement.

My Beloved,
I alone see the secret fears of your heart, My love. When you are fearful of the storms that rage in this life, hear Me whisper, "Be still nad know that I am God." Close your eyes and call out to Me, for I am your Pricne of Peace. I will calm the storm inside your soul. Every time you allow Me to navigate your life, you will be reminded that I am your Captain. You can count on Me. I made the seas, and I am your lighthouse when you need hope.
Love,
Your Prince and Saviour

"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed."
- Psalm 107:29

Blogging is such a blessing for me. The way my brain works, I have to write things out or talk them out for me to really learn/understand what I learned. So after I read something in the Bible or after God tells me something, I gotta write or talk about it quick! Because I'll lose whatever it was real quick. Soon whatever God told me will get twisted in remembering or I won't know what it was exactly that I just learned.

I've written in journals and things for years but it's never been a huge help since physically writing takes up so much time. My hand cramps pretty quickly and half the time I just stop whatever I'm writing. It's also slower and I don't feel like the words flow out of my heart like they do when typing.

Blogging is organized too, which I am definitely not. Everything I write is right here in the same spot, on my page or in my archives. The dates and comments are all there together, just a click away. Everything is neat and in its place.

It's also pretty! I am not a decorating type personality, I wouldn't know how to make anything pretty...but I know what I think is pretty. I can find things that I like and I enjoy pretty things. I like for my room to be decorated, I just dunno how to do it. I like for my writing to be on pretty pages or whatever, I just dunno how to do it. Having a blog online makes it easy for me to find a layout that I like and put it on my page.

I also love blogging cuz it's gotten me doing things consistently...which if anyone knows me is practically a miracle for me. I am not consistent at all....consistently inconsistent, if you will. Blogging is helping me make time with God a priority and a daily occurence. Because to blog, I have to spend time with God first....cool how that works out, I can't blog without meeting with God first...my brain just won't allow it.

God isn't waiting until January 1st, 2010, to start working on me. He's got me cutting off dead limbs already, pointing out the parts of me that don't obey, that don't trust, that are selfish. This morning it was my sleeping habits. I sleep a lot...and I love to sleep. Sometimes I try and make excuses, say there must be something wrong with me, that I need that much sleep. My mom always tells me that I need it, that my brain is growing or something like that. (ya right, btw!) But in reality, I'm either escaping responsibilities or I'm indulging myself. Neither of which are good.

When I wake up late or when I snooze my alarm or when I don't even set an alarm, I wake up dreading the day. I wake up achy and sleepy and snoozy woozy. And I'm usually frustrated that I'm late or that I have to prioritize what I can get done in the little time I have left. So I asked God when I need to get up every morning. At first I tried to think about "ok if i work a double, I need up at this point but if I don't I can wake up later!" but God nixed that idea in the butt and said "get up at 6am every morning".

0_0

oh dear.

I'm scared, but I'm also tired of my "sluggard" ways. So I am praying that God wake me up before my alarm every morning, no matter how late I go to bed or how tired I am. That He would give me the rest that I need and allow me time for a nap during the day if I need it.

I'm excited too...because getting up that early guarantees me over an hour of time with Him...it means I'll always have those few extra minutes to clean my room, to do my laundry, all these little things that drive me up a wall if I can't find the time for them.

Yay bootsie, let's go!

Something Greater Than the Temple

"I tell you something greater than the temple is here."
- Jesus

"Behold my servant, who I uphold, my chosen,
in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations."
- God

"But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you."
- Jesus

"An evil land adulterous generation seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah. For just as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the great fish, so will the Son of Man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."
- Jesus

Whoa. Awesome. Get ready.

Lord, Your kingdom come! The first quote is what Jesus tells the pharisees when they challenge him about the sabbath. (all of these quotes are from Matthew 12, check it out). Jesus is like "Shut up. Something bigger than your precious temple, your precious laws is here. This is huge." It gives me tinglies, this phrase does...it's such a simple sentence but there is nothing tame about it! It's dying to just boom across the nations.

Did anyone else notice the Holy Spirit so prevalent in the New Testament? Why don't churches focus on that or point that out? Did anyone else know that Jesus did all his miracles THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT...Hello! How can you deny the presence and workings of the Holy Spirit through believers in the modern day when Christ couldn't do ANYTHING without the Holy Spirit on him.

Christ validates himself when the pharisees challenge him about casting out demons. They told the crowds that he cast them out because he was actually Satan and so had dominion over them...like God doesn't rule over the demons as well. Jesus shuts them up real quick when he tells them that BECAUSE he casts out demons proves that he is not a demon and that in fact THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS HERE. Did you hear that? THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS HERE. Oh my lanta.

Everyone wants proof. Everyone wants a sign. But guess what?!?!?! The best and perfect and ONLY sign is that of Christ's death for three days and resurrection after...if you can't believe after that, there is NOTHING that will convince you to follow him. If you can't believe in a God, who's perfect and pleasing will involves you being loved by the only One who knows how, after Jesus gave up deity, gave up his power, gave up his comforts to live a hard life as a human, having to rely on the Holy Spirit to give him his own power, died the most physically and mentally and spiritually difficult death and then conquered OVER death, than there is no hope for you. If that doesn't convince you, nothing will.

God's perfect will never changes. But there is His permissive will as well, that allows things into our lives and our reactions to these things are huge. We aren't supposed to turn on God and start arguing with Him because of what He allowed into our lives. We aren't supposed to blindly accept it and move on as if it never happened. We are supposed to wrestle it out, fight our nature that wants to reject or ignore it until we get to the point where we completely trust in God and then His perfect will in that moment is revealed to us...and we understand the significance of this invasion into our Christian lives.

It's only after wrestling through things that I can pray with power. Otherwise, my prayers are limp and ineffective.

"If you ask me to pray for you, and I am not complete in Christ, my prayer accomplishes nothing. But if I am complete in Christ, my prayer brings victory every time."
- Oswald Chambers

"The purpose of prayer is to bring heaven's power to bear on earth's circumstances."
- Donna Partow

This morning it seems that God is telling me three things. First, that His kingdom is here! And it's got me excited! Second, that prayer is power and I HAVE to wrestle through the things that He throws my way, not just ignore them and move on. Because it's important for me to understand. And because my prayers are dead otherwise. And thats part of the reason He is calling me for this one year...so that I learn to pray with power, because He has called me to raise up people in prayer and to do His work through prayer and to battle demons and Satan with His most powerful weapon. Third, He's telling me to not worry and to trust Him...because He is going to make me fall in love with Him and nothing I encounter this next year will be without my Husband.

My Prince,
My life sometimes feels so meaningless and empty. Show me, my Prince, how to live the kind of life You have for me. I so need Your Holy Spirit to teach me what it means to live as Your Princess Bride. I am ready to leave the old me behind and become like a newly married bride, totally alive from being so in love...in love with You, my Lord. Amen!
Love,
Your Princess, who is ready to live!

"You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever."
- Psalm 16:11

One Whole Year

So today CFNI finally called me to tell me that I'm accepted. I've been waiting for weeks and had assumed it wasn't happening. Plus I found out that I can't defer my loan payments because CFNI isn't an accredited university. So I would have to somehow go to school full time, work full time, pay for tuition, food, rent, gas, tithe, and insurance, while also making 4 or 5 loan payments. Ya, not gonna work.

So I thought maybe I could just take one class at TCC, it's cheap and I can afford that (somewhat) and I will still be doing SOMETHING with my life, ya know?

But God told me today what He wants me to do. And it's got me excited. Uber excited.

He told me to devote one year to Him. One whole year, where I let go of my time, my friendships, my possessions. "Give Me one year" He said, "and the debt will be gone. I will provide for you, if you just let Me."

One year. One year of working hard to pull in that extra little bit of money. One year of sacrificing the luxuries and non-necessities. One year of sack lunches, of no days off, and of no movies. One year of no boyfriends.

One year. And it will all be gone.

This time next year, I'm going to be free! $25,000 is going to be paid! And not only that, not only am I going to make $25,000 (which in and of itself is a miracle) but I'm going to make even MORE than that. God's going to overflow His blessings on me, so that I can tithe, so that I can save, so that I have money for gas...and not only THAT. He's not only going to take care of me...He's going to bless me so that I can bless others in the process!

I dunno if you're picking up on this...but this is HUGE. Monumental. Stupendous.

My Bride,
There are many things I have to offer you as your eternal Husband. I offer you everlasting life, I give you anytime access to Me. I give you unspeakable joy, an abundant life, and an eternal home. As My Bride, your prayers reach the heavens and people's lives are changed forever because I hear your every word whispered to Me. But there is more, My Beloved. I command My angels to stand guard over you. There are many things you have been spared of without you knowing. Just be blessed in knowing I have covered you wherever you have gone, and I will continue to cover you until you are finally home with Me once and for always.
Love,
Your Prince and Sole Provider

"Praise the Lord, you angels, you mighty ones who carry out His plans, listening for each of His commands. Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels who serve Him and do His will!"
- Psalm 103:20-21

God has had His hand over me my entire life...there are no worries with Him in control! If His angels have been protecting me up until this point, how much MORE will they surround me when I'm completely in obedience to Him!

"Strive to re-express a truth of God to yourself clearly and understandably, and God will use that same explanation when you share it with someone else. But you must be willing to go through God's winepress where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle, experiment, and rehearse your words to express God's truth clrearly. Then the time will come when that very expression will become God's wine of strength to someone else. But if you are not diligent and say "I'm not going to study and struggle to express this truth in my own words; I'll just borrow my words from someone else," then the words will be of no value to you or to others."
- Oswald Chambers

Get rid of all the flack, all the crap that keeps God from pressing down on you. Oh God, flatten me with Yourself! Don't hold back, I trust You to know exactly how much I can take!

"Your position is not really yours until you make it your own through suffering and study."
- Oswald Chambers

Can you imagine what God will teach me in the course of one year if I devote myself to Him? If I use all my spare time to delve into the Word, to flourish underneath His tutelage? "HE WON'T RELENT UNTIL HE HAS IT ALL".

"Be diligint to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."
- 2 Timothy 2:15

Obedience is the biggest aphrodisiac, I swear it is. I am bursting at the seams right now, so excited to obey and so IN LOVE that I want to scream, dance, sing praises, hug someone!

COME BE THE FIRE INSIDE OF ME, COME BE THE FLAME UPON MY HEART, COME BE THE FIRE INSIDE OF ME, UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE

The exciting part isn't that the debt is going to be gone....that's just a visual marker of God's blessing on me. The exciting part is how close we are going to become. The exciting part is that after this year, He will REALLY be able to use me! After this obedience, He'll know I'll be obedient in whatever He asks of me, wherever He sends me... I will finally be able to do what He's planned for me to do! He will send me to whatever country needs His love the most and after this year of falling in love with Him, I'll REALLY be able to love on other people.

This is huge. I don't think you understand just how huge.

Old Lesson...But New Still

"If anyone desires to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me."
- Matthew 16:24

Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Him. It's a three step process. And the whole thing is screwed from the beginning if you can't deny yourself, if you can't let go of your rights as a human, if you can't surrender your individuality to God's purpose.

But we're afraid. Our individuality is all we've ever known. It's faulty, sometimes we loathe it, but it's all we have. We know how it works, we're comfortable in our misery.

It's only when we lose our individuality that our true personality is able to come out. It's only when we surrender to Him who knows us better than ourselves that He can release all that is in us.

I have always been very self-reflective, very self-aware. It's been a blessing and a curse for years. It either helps me learn and grow or sends me into depressive, false realities. But even I, who am constantly reviewing my own thoughts, actions, and feelings, don't really know myself! I could write book after book after book about myself and STILL never scratch the surface.

It's very humbling to realize that, even with all this self-knowledge, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. It's very humbling to know that while I think I'm doing ok, maybe even succeeding in some areas, I'm no where near where I am supposed to be, where God planned me to be.

Crazy how the things we learn build on each other...how every day a new facet is added to it, new information realized, new revelation. And yet it all comes back to one thing...surrendering everything to be swept away by Him.

YUH!

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

I absolutely love this song because if I was lyrically talented, this is exactly the song I would write about myself. Desperate to be wanted and needed, desperate for love, I would change any and every aspect of myself to try and fit in or be accepted or be what people wanted. Every single one of these lines hits home.

I play my Jon McLaughlin cd all the time, just for this song. It's just so perfect. And the thing is, I know there are a lot of girls and women that this song describes perfectly. I'm not the only one. I've talked to women like me and I've talked to guys who have dated girls like me.

The past couple of years, God has healed and rescued me from this cyclical reality and now my passion is to share what He has taught me with whoever I can. With those young girls struggling through the beginning stages. With women who have battled it for years. With women who don't see a way out, who think life is like that. With men who date and or are married to these women and don't understand what is going on.

Because it is NOT reality. You don't have to feel or live that way! There is a King who loves you perfectly, like no one else can. He fills every hole in your heart and eases every ache in your soul. You don't have to try and fill it with anything else anymore! There is freedom, real and true and lasting freedom available!

This is my message, my outcry, my passion. To go forth into all nations and preach the gospel...that if we repent of ourselves and our sins and throw ourselves headfirst, feet and arms flailing if we have to, into love for Christ then we are completely and utterly filled...in fact we overflow! And these things that we fight daily, sometimes every second, are no longer an issue. They become so distant from us that we can't even see it anymore...it's so far out of our supernatural reality. That which was natural to us, is now awkward. We now live in the supernatural.

A Complete 180 Experience

This morning when my alarm went off, I definitely did not want to get up. Well, I never want to get up in the morning. But this morning it was even worse since I was extremely sore from yesterday's workout and I went to bed really late last night. So I chose to sleep in (more of I never woke up, just kept snoozing my alarm) until my mom woke me up and I realized I had to leave RIGHT THEN to get to work on time.

So the start of my morning was rushed. I had to run around and grab all the things I needed, make a lunch for my break, and get in the car and go. I then realized I had to grab gas, I was worried I was going to be late again. I get to work (on time...whew!) but have one of the worst lunches. Yesterday was bad just because for some reason I kept breaking things. Today, it seemed like I couldn't keep up with my tables. My boss or the other girl working lunch constantly picked up my slack, grabbing things I forgot or whatever. I felt like such an idiot. And I couldn't get these negative, bitter thoughts out of my head no matter what. I resented the other girl working, felt like she was setting me up for failure and wasn't REALLY helping me, just pointing out what I was doing wrong. I was growing frustrated.

Finally I get my 2 and a half hour break and I journeyed to Cafe Brazil for the coffee and free wifi. I brought all my quiet time stuff so I could do it during my break. Obviously, I need to do it first thing in the morning to start my day off right...otherwise my attitude sucks. But it always amazes me how God can completely change my attitude and my heart after I spend some time with Him.

First thing I read was Oswald Chambers My Utmost For His Highest and felt the presence of the Holy Spirit around me instantly and was filled with the joy of the Lord. And it's not even a "joyful" excerpt!!! But for some reason it makes me so happy and I'm just so dang excited

"Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires"
- Galatians 5:24

OOooooo this verse gives me chills and I LOVE it!

We as Christians are not asked to give up sin, to just give up a sinful life. We are called to something even GREATER than that...to give up our right to ourselves, to what is natural and good to us. Because get this...the good keeps us from the great! What is natural is good, but it distracts us and keeps us from God's purpose and God's kingdom. We are denying our right to our very self guys! That means our right to finances, our right to live, our right to have a voice, our right to bear arms, the whole nine yards! And we can't do that until we recognize the sovereignty of Jesus Christ!

A life devoted to Christ and His service is a life of the supernatural. So we need to not be hindered by the natural world so that the supernatural becomes our new natural!

"Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence"
- Oswald Chambers

Are y'all getting this? It's so epic! It's so exciting! The things that can happen if we just let go of ourselves! If we just stop expecting what we deserve or need and just "deny [ourselves] and take up [our] cross and follow Him".

"I know what it is to be in need,
and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being
content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry,
whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through Him
who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:12-13

Don't you get it? Don't you see? Paul wasn't hindered by the natural world! It didn't matter what was going on in his circumstances. It didn't matter that as a human, he has the right to be fed. That was not his natural world anymore! It wasn't his natural tendencies or desires or needs. All he needed was to know that Christ gave him the strength to do what he needed...and what he needed was revealed to him through the supernatural.

Oh I am so pumped. Let's go fight some demons for Jesus! Let's love Him with all our being! Let's let go of the natural and embrace the supernatural and realize that the only rules in the supernatural are His rules...anything can happen!

Rejoice!

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
- Philippians 4:4-9

Positive thinking is a choice that we all have to make. You know those people that are insanely happy, all the time? That always have a smile, a joke, a grin, a chuckle to go along with everything? Who, no matter what the circumstance, always seem to find that silver lining? Guess what! They aren't that way NATURALLY! They wake up every morning and choose to be happy.

Happiness is controlled by our circumstances...or rather we allow it to be controlled by our circumstances. When something bad happens, we complain or whine or pout. When someone dies, we are sad. When we stub our toe, we get angry. BUT...we have the power to counteract these "natural" circumstance-based emotions. When something bad happens, CHOOSE to smile and thank God that nothing worse happened! When someone dies, CHOOSE to rejoice in their previous life, the impact they had on you, and (hopefully) their time now in heaven! When you stub your toe, CHOOSE to laugh at yourself!

Now here's the best part...happiness is controlled by our choices right? We have to work hard to change our attitudes and our hearts to keep that happiness in line. But as Christians, it's so much easier because the joy of the Lord is our strength! Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!

Lord knows, I struggle with negativity as much as the next person. It's easy to let your thoughts spiral you into a state of depression and anxiety. But no more I say! There's so much to be thankful for, so many blessings in my life, so many things to learn and so much time to be spent with God, how can I waste it with "glass is half empty" approaches to life?!

Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God has done
Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God has done

Every week, I get to meet with 16 women from all walks of life and learn from them and laugh with them and cry with them and pray with them.

Every day, I get to wake up and see my family.

Every day, I get to get on my face before God and fellowship with Him.

Every day, I get to go to work and earn money to pay off bills, debts, and to invest in other people.

Every Sunday, I get to work with the cutest, most adorable little 2 and 3 year olds.

This is the Christmas Spirit guys!!! This is what Christmas is all about!!! Who says we can't have Christmas all year round!? As Christians, we can't HELP but have Christmas every single day!

Hallelujah, Praise Jesus, Amen, say it again!

Temple of the Holy Spirit

Silly America and it's independent thought processes. Everything is me me me, I I I, myself myself myself. It's so much easier to just worry about yourself than to worry about other people, right? Which is why we spiral into depression, bitterness, etc so easily. And it's also why we forget that our bodies are not our own. They are the temple of the Holy Spirit.

We eat what we want, we do what we want, we stay up as late as we want, we go where we want, we sleep with who we want. Me me me, I I I, myself myself myself. We're not hurting anyone else, so who cares? We do it because we can, because we have the opportunity.

So why not? Why not indulge ourselves, because we deserve it right? In this crappy world, we deserve to pamper ourselves, we deserve to take advantage of what is right in front of us. Right?

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. 25Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; 27but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. "

- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Our bodies are God's, even if our minds or our emotions are not. We are supposed to control our bodies' desires, not it control us. We are supposed to "take every thought captive" and not indulge in anything that takes us away from God's will. We make excuses for ourselves so often but condemn others. Maybe because we can see the effects better in others lives but not in our own. Maybe we're just selfish brats and only care about ourselves.

There are a lot of things in my life that are needing to be pruned out. This past week I started working again and it's like I completely forgot about anyone else. I went out and stayed up late after work and then slept to the last possible second, rolled out of bed and went to work. There was no time for my God time in the morning, because I wanted to do whatever late the night before. I'm eating whatever the hell I want at work because it's available and "why shouldn't i?" I haven't been going to the gym, that I pay for every month, just because I'm uber lazy and I don't want to go. Hello, I pay for it every month! I have the time!

I've been living this past week on my agenda, not God's. God had a completely different plan for me this week and it would have been awesome. But I was too consumed in myself to bother.

Time to realign. Time to refocus. Time to get it together!

Ready, set go!

Counting My Blessings

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

Bing Crosby, White Christmas

When thinking back over the year since last Christmas, it's easy to see the many blessings that I have. It's also to see how God orchestrated everything in order to grow me and teach me. And how much He loves me. It's crazy to think of the many ways I tried to veer off, to ignore Him, to forsake Him, to go my own way...and then how many times He just kept drawing me to Him.

I've been broker than I've ever been before in my life. I had bigger debts, more bill collectors, and less options. I was arrested, I wrecked my car, I found myself in horrible working conditions, I moved 4 times, I was dumped, I started going to counseling again, I was lonely, I was depressed, I lost way too much weight, I got addicted to coffee again, I was almost raped, I made a lot of bad decisions with guys, and I dropped out of school. I hit my all time lowest point.

But I am the most blessed person I know.

I am still alive.
I never once went hungry.
I was never sick.
I was NOT raped.
I am healthy again.
I am learning to deal with depression.
I didn't make the worst decision with a guy.
Counseling helped.
TCAL provided a new car.
I have a better job.
I met an awesome officer when I was arrested who helped me when I wrecked.
I am living back home with my family.
I have the opportunity to drink coffee.
I start school in January at Christ For the Nations Institute.
I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.
I live in a country where all this is possible.

I don't have much by American standards. But when you look at everyone else living in other countries...I have so much. I have so many books, so many clothes, so much makeup, so much shampoo and lotions, so much food in the pantry, so many towels...I mean, it's crazy when you really think about it how much stuff we have that we don't REALLY need. I don't need a mattress to sleep on. I don't need 10 different towels. I don't need 2o34234 different outfits. I don't need 5 kinds of lotion. I don't need my own library. So many people out there are just surviving. I think I had it bad this past year just because I had to go to Mission Arlington a couple times to get groceries...HELLO! Not everyone has a Mission Arlington they can go to! How blessed are we simply because we live in America.

And then when I think about the people I know personally that have poured into me...wow. So many teachers, parents, families, kids, friends, bosses that have impacted me. It's amazing to me how the closer I get to God, the more I love people....and the more I feel that love just bubbling out of me. It usually results in me crying. Which is awesome.

My dad. I've never been more proud of my dad than I have been this past year. Watching him step up and challenge young men in his caregroup at church and really work to teach my little brother how to be a boy. Knowing that he's working harder to make sure he is loving my mom like he should and modeling that to me and my siblings. Having him tell me that I'm beautiful, something I've been waiting 20 years to hear.

My mom. I have the hardest time loving my mom for who she is, respecting her, and not taking her for granted. Those that know me understand why. But this past year I've really been able to understand what she does for our family. She wants to stay home and teach my siblings but she took a job because the family needs the money. She works with the elderly and she absolutely loves it, she has such a heart for them. She deals with my siblings every single day who she has to repeat EVERYTHING to 3000 times before they finally get it. She plays taxi cab to everyone's needs and when I moved back home she arranged everything so I could. Everyone in the family seems to lash out at her in anger or frustration or just give her attitude but she always takes it, usually silently. She is the strongest woman on the planet.

My sisters. When I lived at home, I had absolutely no relationship with them. The older one hated me and the younger one just wanted me to acknowledge her existence. When I left home I was able to come back to them and ask forgiveness, which they gave, but it wasn't until this year and more specifically the past year, that we've started to be close as sisters should. I'm watching my sister Elise as she grows and matures. She is absolutely gorgeous and so talented. She brings people out of their shell with her humor. She lights up a room as soon as she walks in the door. She's really growing into herself, settling into her own sense of style and personality and the result is stunning. My sister Candace is so quiet but I'm learning that it doesn't mean she's weak. She loves without holding back and has no problem with welcoming people in. She is just as beautiful as my sister Elise, although she is still searching a little for her own niche in life.

My brother. Scott is the constant challenge in my life. He reminds me to stop thinking about myself and just invest in people while sacrificing a little of my time to do so. He can be throwing a hug fit and screaming and crying and slamming doors but he also calls me asking when I will come home. He can melt my heart anytime he wants to...while he can also drive me absolutely up a wall with insanity. I love it when he snuggles with me (those rare few seconds he actually sits still), I love it when he tries to scare me and laughs hysterically when he does. I love when he tries to fight me and how he keeps trying even though it's futile. I love his lisp, I love that he's so ridiculously short, I love that he isn't afraid of anything, and I absolutely love when he surprises me with his heart. I can't wait until he grows up!


And that's just my immediate family. There's so much extended family and friends that I could write about. But I've bawled enough for one night I think!

One of Those Days...Again

It never fails does it. Satan comes at you like a spidermonkey just when you think you're safe or you're secure in Christ.

I wake up today feeling like I didn't sleep at all. On my morning prayer call, I couldn't concentrate or focus on any of the prayers. In my own quiet time, I couldn't get into prayer like normal. I couldn't focus on my own studies. I feel restless, reading for a couple minutes and jumping to something else.

It's hard. And by "it" I mean everything. Oswald Chambers said this morning that if you're not rooted in Christ, we are lost. We have to be consistent internally rather than externally. If my soul is always pointed towards Him, then it won't matter where I find myself or what situation I'm in because I will remain steadfast. But if I worry more about being consistently externally, i.e. legalistic, than I will be just as lost as non-believers. Being consistent internally allows me to be surrounded by non-believers and not be shaken from my beliefs. It allows me to travel all over the world, like Paul, and preach the Gospel. Because no matter the people, the customs, the situations, the message never changes. The power never lessens.

So this whole "consistent internally" is hard. Because again, I am feeling inadequate. Again, I look in the mirror and think "ew". Again, I feel frustrated that I don't measure up to the classic ideals for beauty. Again, I want to pierce and tattoo everything I can in an effort to say "fuck you" to those very ideals. Again, I feel like I need confirmation that I'm pretty. Again, I'm willing to seek that confirmation out. Again again again. All this is way too familiar to me.

My Princess, Treasure Your Body

Your body is a gift from Me, and you are too valuable to let the wrong person open that gift. You are My treasure, and My Spirit dwells within you. I know there is an inner war raging for your soul and your body-fighting against all you know to be true. Remember, My love, I can fight this battle for you, so don't compromise My best for you for a moment of passion. I know it may seem harmless to give yourself away, but the pain is not worth the pleasure. Listen, My love: Don't imitate those in the world who care nothing for your soul. Give yourself to Me, and I will give you the love you're looking for.

Love,

Your King and your Purity

"Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow" - Psalm 51:7

How can I not look at all these beautiful girls and not feel inadequate? These beautiful girls that have the body, the face, the hair, the clothes, the personality, the smile. I used to try and be just like these girls, worrying about what I eat, how my clothes fit, what clothes I'm wearing, my hair, my makeup, everything. I could never do it. I can't do it. And now I have this hopelessness that won't go away.

Here it is. I feel hopeless because I think I have to be like these girls to be loved. I have to be like these girls to attract that guy so that he'll want to marry me. Because marriage is my ultimate goal. Past that, I don't care what happens. And marriage won't come if I can't attract that guy, which I can't do unless I can somehow fit into this mold that I will never fit in.

I guess as long as marriage is my goal, I'll struggle through all this. It's when my goal is Christ that life makes sense. Those brief moments or days are the happiest of my life. Now if I can just make it last longer....

State of Mind

"Our state of mind is powerful in it's effects. It can be the enemy that pierces right into our soul and distracts our mind from God." - Oswald Chambers

I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I love Oswald Chambers. I think all my quotes are from him. The man's a brilliant follower of Christ and he always says things exactly how they should be said.

Our state of mind is extremely powerful. It's what makes or breaks us. It's what sets us apart from non-believers, it's what makes us stand out in a crowd. It's what brings glory or brings shame to our Father, our Lord.

It's easy to get sucked into the wrong state of mind. I know, I think essentially this is my most constant and hardest battle in my spiritual and physical life. It's easy for one fleeting thought to set the tone for the rest of the hour, day, week, month, year. Your state of mind controls everything. Whatever state it is, everything you do, say, or think flows out of it. So if you're in a depressed state of mind, you're not going to want to go and preach the gospel to a random stranger. In fact, you probably won't even feel God's prompting to do so, because you're so wrapped up in your own pity party. Or you haven't even left the house, so there's no one to preach to anyway.

If you're state of mind is selfish in any way, whether it's a sexual state of mind, a depressed state of mind, a critical state of mind, a prideful state of mind, whatever it is, it is exhibited to everyone around you. So for you to be in a prideful state of mind and be telling people about how much God loves them, you're effect is negative instead of positive. Because those people you're talking to can see your pride and it's not matching up with what you're saying.

I think the biggest "killer" of the Christian faith are Christian's attitudes. Because we get too caught up in the ways of the world, too caught up in bills, in money, in love, in sex, in ourselves, in whatever...and it alters our attitudes, our thinking, our mannerisms, etc. When it should be the other way around, WE should be affecting the WORLD'S attitude.

If there is ANYTHING draining our spiritual walk with Christ, we are to get rid of it. That doesn't just include material things! That doesn't just include relationships we shouldn't be in! That doesn't just include jobs! In fact, I don't think it really includes those things at all because if we look at it closely we realize that the reason those things drain us spiritually is because they change our state of mind and our attitudes. But getting rid of relationships, jobs, or possesions will not necessarily change our attitudes for the better. The attitude may very well stay the way it is and just find a new way to fulfill itself.

Oh great and mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign
That You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign
That You would reign in us

The Serious Face of God

"Beware of the pleasant view of the fatherhood of God; God is so kind and loving that of course He will forgive us." - Oswald Chambers

God doesn't forgive us because He loves us. Even as perfect and holy and HUGE as God is, His nature does not allow Him to forgive us of our sins. Even though He created everything, even though everything is under His command, if He just forgave us because He wanted to, He would cease to be God. Christ had to give up His place in heaven. He had to drop off the things that make Him God so that He could become human like the rest of us. He had to endure 33 years of human trials without using the powers available to Him to combat or alter the experience. Essentially He went to battle without His armor, His weapons, or His army. He had to rely totally on God, just like us. And He did, every second of His life.

And then, after He had already sacrificed everything to show us how to live for Him, He took on everything we have ever done so that we could be eternally and completely free. Not only did He die when He could have lived forever, but He also took all sin and evil with Him. He was an innocent, killed by the hate of His people. He did nothing wrong, but did not raise His voice to defend Himself. Instead, He welcomed death because He knew the ultimate victory would be God's. Not just a physical death, but a spiritual one as well.

And God the Father had to stand and watch as His beloved Son, His flesh and blood and Spirit, die a physical and a spiritual death, both of which He was never supposed to experience. Christ was never supposed to have a physical body that would decay and eventually die. Christ was never supposed to take on the weight of the billions of people's sins. Christ was never supposed to bear the guilt of the rapist, of the dictator, of the thief, of the adulterer, of the liar, of the serial killer, of all the twisted and sick people who ever lived or who ever will live. And He wasn't supposed to bear the guilt of the "good" ones, of the proud, of the righteous, of the holy, of the religious, of the selfish.

All so that you can be saved. All so that you can be sanctified. All so that you can be free. All so that you can be armed against Satan's attacks. All so that you can experience true intimacy. All so that you can love God.

"Once you realize that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vise, constrained by the love of God" - Oswald Chambers

Conviction of Sins

I grow ever more confused along this concept of "conviction of sins". Which is silly because I've grown up in the church...all these really tough concepts are supposed to be easy peasy for me. I've always been the little know - it -all Christian. But the more I read about sin, the more I realize that I really just have no idea.

Several weeks ago, Oswald Chambers did several days of addressing the role of missionary. The first day I was blown over by this quote "The message of the missionary is the limitless importance of Jesus Christ as the propitiation for our sins." Such a "duh" statement but it wasn't until I read this excerpt that I realized that in all my dealings with people and all my plans, never once do I proclaim Christ as the propitiation for our sins. In fact, I didn't even really understand what that meant! I had to txt my friend Garrett to explain what that means to me. And I realized while going further into Chambers' teachings about missionaries that I focus totally on the "work" aspect of being a missionary (that is, building huts and relationships and what not) and not on bringing people to Christ! In fact, I'd rather I didn't have to bring people to Christ unless they are the one questioning me about it. And even then, I'm not proclaiming it as I should be. I just tell my story, my experiences.

I'm trying to bring people to Sarah Beth, not to the Cross!

Whoa.

Blasphemy incarnate.

So, after I came to realize this and after I picked myself up off the ground where God struck me with lightning, I questioned "why?" How could I get so twisted up and confused about something so CORE to my beliefs and what I want to do? Why don't I want to tell people about Jesus? Why do I shy away from talking about sin? Why is it that when Garrett said that we as humans are evil, I felt so completely offended?

I've never had conviction of sin. There I said it. I feel like I'm confessing to murder or something. It's completely taboo to be a follower of Christ and NOT have conviction of sin. But it's true. I feel burdened by sin, I feel guilty, I feel sorrow for people or myself trapped in sin, I feel lost, I feel trapped, I feel suffocated. But not once have I felt conviction for my sin to where I see myself as dirty and despicable as I am and realize just how big a sacrifice it was for Christ to die with my filth so that I could live. In fact, essentially I don't think I'm such a bad person. I'm aware of my sins but I guess I make concessions for them? Not that I don't think I need to be forgiven or that they don't ruin my relationship with Christ or anything but I don't see myself as evil. Rather, more accurately I guess, I see myself as an innocent who's trying as hard as she can and messes up a lot but when she turns her eyes to Christ, He rescues her everytime.

This is the state of mind I find myself in. After I'm learning that each and every one of us IS evil and that God cannot forgive us because He loves us, but because Christ died on that cross. And now I'm questioning...can you be saved without conviction of sin?!?!?!?!

I look at my experiences the past couple of years. And I think "How can I not be saved? Why would God draw me so close to Himself, why would the Holy Spirit come over me, if I'm not one of God's children?" You know? Like, how could I have this intimacy with Christ that I have now if I wasn't saved? But, how come I've never been convicted of my sin?

And now it makes sense why I don't ever tell people about Christ on the cross...because I never experienced conviction myself. That's why I don't shout at people to repent. That's why God hasn't sent me to be a missionary yet.

God, I don't understand. I'm very confused. I'm scared to ask for it but please, give me conviction of my sin. Show me my true self, as dirty and filthy and disgusting as it is. Help me realize how deep Your sacrifice goes for me.

"I Can't" Mentality

I am the Queen of the "I Can't" phrase. "I can't workout because I don't have money for a gym membership" or "I can't call my friend because I have to leave in 15 minutes and I don't want to cut it short" or "I can't get up early in the mornings so I can't get all the things I need to do done". Trust me, whatever it is that I don't want to do, I can think of a way to convince myself it's ok not to do it.

That, my friends, is my own "self-satisfaction", as Oswald Chambers puts it. That's my own spirit saying "Ya, you're fine! You don't have to worry about keeping in contact with your friends or getting everything done that you need to. It's not your fault! You're doing fine." But it's this same spirit that throws me into that pit of depression later that day when I see all these other women that seem to have it together better than me. Those women that workout and have lunch dates with their friends and get up on time.

I woke up this morning with Satan whispering as many selfish and depressing thoughts as he could into my ear. Weighing me down with my list of things to get done today, with thoughts of imperfectness, trying to disarm me by reminding me that my future husband doesn't want a lazy wife who sleeps in all the time. He tried to make me feel lonely and isolated by asking me where my boyfriend was, and then inquiring if I even have any real friends.

But here's what I say to him. "If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" (John 8:36). I lay my individuality down before the throne of Christ so that nothing gets in the way of His work. I sacrifice my wants and desires, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, all so that His kingdom can come. Because God does not force me to sacrifice. He does not discipline my mind. That is something that I must do in obedience to Him. I cannot come to Him and say "I'm sorry Lord that I didn't obey but I have this struggle that hindered me!" Don't have that struggle! Don't have wandering thoughts, don't worry about finances, don't fill your heart with insufficient things. You have the choice and so you have the power to say no to all of these things! Satan has got us all conned into thinking we are powerless in our own minds.

Oh to be completely broken, to lose everything that makes me who I am, all so that Christ radiates through me, so that Christ is all. To be "not just merged into Him, but made one with Him...free to the very core of your being; free from the inside to the outside." (Oswald Chambers). The thought scares me. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know how the process works, and I have no idea who I'll be on the other side. I'm comfortable with myself, as faulty and miserable as it may be at times. But I trust my King and I desperately want to follow Him. And so I plunge in out of obedience, and trust that even if I die, His name will be glorified.

Bah!

The title of my blog today is exactly the sound I make when I'm frustrated and run out of things to say...BAH!

I think it's just been one of those days. I haven't had a car for over a week and I'm growing frustrated with being stuck at home. I can't see my friends because I can't drive to their house or even meet them halfway. I finally have time to make plans with people and I can't simply because I can't get out of the house. I don't have the freedom to go where I want, when I want. And so I'm stuck at home, which is getting a little lonely.

I don't want to reach out to my guy friends for companionship because it's too easy to fall into a relationship out of convenience or guilt or sympathy. And I want to grow and pursue friendships with girls, but not having a car is really hindering me! Plus, I dunno what to say to girls half the time. I dunno what they like to do and most of the time when I'm talking I feel like I'm talking another language or something.

And hang it all, the ONE guy who fulfills EVERYTHING God told me to look for in a husband is not giving clear signs either way. Sometimes he seems really interested and sometimes he doesn't. I'm close to just asking him flat out so I can move on with my life.

And at the bottom of all this, deep in the back of my consciousness, past the spoiled "i don't wanna" and "poor me" attitude is the real me. The real me who knows that God is isolating me for a reason. That He's drawing me closer to Him, to learn to rely so completely on Him that every breathe I'm leaning on Him. The real me that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has His timing for my husband and that whether or not this guy is "the one", God has promised me a husband and He's told me his exact characteristics. The real me that knows that God feels my pain and that if I can just give them to Him, He completes me.

God, it's hard to trust You. It's hard to believe You. It's hard to let go of my own bad attitude and willful desires. It's hard not to settle for something less than what You promised me and it's hard to NOT take things into my own hands . It's hard to let go of my own desires...and God it's so hard to take my eyes off what I want and align my heart with Yours. It's when I'm most focused on my own woes that I am least useful for Your kingdom and recently You've allowed me to experience the joy that comes from bringing glory only to You. I don't want to lose that chance; I want everything I do to shout praises to You. Thank You that You love me and that that love is all I need...period. Thank You for drawing me closer to You and teaching me lessons I don't want to learn. Thank You for Your presence I grow more and more aware of daily. Your name be praised above everything else, in Jesus's name. Amen.

My future husband

So my friend Kyler told me today who my future husband is going to be. I love him :)


He's not a skinny little turd like me, he's a big boy (not like a fatso or anything) with a big voice and an even bigger laugh. He has kindof short black hair and listens to indi music. he's a man's man but not the kind that dominates a relationship, just the kind thats enough of a bad A to lead ol Sarah Beth. He's got some really cool tatoos that are artsy and in no way trashy. his earse are may be gauged. Everybody knows what a nice guy he is. He has blue eyes that say if ya fall i'll allways catch you. and he also has ADHD, but he has it under controle.

So if you are a man and fit this description please ask me out. Kthnx!

Renewed Fervor

“You will seek Me and find Me. When you seek Me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah
29:13

It has been months since I have sought out my Saviour. I have been more concerned with basic survival and pleasures that are fleeting than I have in growing my relationship with and my love for the One who fulfills everything in me. This morning, I finally sought Him out. And I took only one step before He swept me up in His arms, buried me in His embrace, and covered my face with His kisses. Oh how I have longed for His love and His touch! It has never gone away, as much as I tried to mask it or to quench it with other things. Where I once was exhausted, focused on survival, and hopeless now I am refreshed, excited about tomorrow, and eager to be lead in new paths.

“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it
to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” - Phillipians 1:6

God put a passion in my heart, a calling to my life and even though I ran away from Him and forsaked everything He had prepared me for, He did not give up on me. He has been ever calling me, never once did He break communication with me. I refused to answer the phone, I ignored His texts, and I turned away when I saw Him in public, but He never stopped. Like a lover who would not be denied, He continued to pursue me, He never left me for one instant. And now He is rejoicing because He is finally able to finish the work He started in my life.

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be
exalted in the earth!” - Psalms 46:10

So often I pass over this verse without another thought. But today, it brings such joy to my heart! In such a fast paced world, with such an ADD mentality, who would have known that my heart would leap at the chance to just be still and know that He is God? He will be exalted! No matter what I do, God’s name will be glorified but OH how I want to be the one to do it! I want to be a part of the masses, screaming until our voices crack how awesome is our God and how mighty is His name!

Confessions of a Love Addict #1

1. I am addicted to fantasy.

I can’t remember when it really started…so maybe it’s always been. I’ve been reading since I was really young and I can’t say when reading turned to obsession but it did and here I am. For as long as I can remember, I’ve almost literally ate books. I couldn’t read them fast enough. I couldn’t buy or borrow enough. Every single fiction book I could find, especially those with a heroine, I would.

These books gave me a world where I could call the shots. Whatever the story was, I would transport myself into it and mold it how I wanted it. I would make myself the heroine, able to take on anything. I was always very athletic, could fight and defeat most guys. Sometimes I had magical abilities, sometimes I was just incredibly smart. I always looked amazing, said the right thing, oozed confidence, and all the guys wanted to marry me. If I wasn’t reading a book, I was daydreaming inside one of the books.

This got to a very scary point. I almost disconnected with reality. Before bed every night, when I was all snuggled up under the covers, I would start imagining myself in one of the stories. This was a good segway between awake and asleep and helped me to fall asleep very fast.

I remember one night I was imagining myself in a magic story, where I was a young magician learning how to properly use magic. I don’t think I ever fell asleep, or maybe I did. But the imagining/dream was different than it ever had been before. It was real. Not in the sense that I was actually a magician, but that in my mind it was real. It was no longer just a fantasy, it was becoming my reality. And while I was going through this storyline in my head, I knew that there was something wrong. I knew that something wasn’t right. There was a battle going on for my mind, spiritual warfare right there in my bedroom. I remember having the worst headache I’d ever had and tossing and turning, trying to break out of the fantasy and get back to the REAL reality. Satan and his demons had a strong hold and tried to keep me locked into that world.

It was tempting. I was already pretty. I didn’t have to worry about being accepted. I always had a witty line to say. Everything was bright and green. I could defeat evil, every time. I had that one guy who loved me and would do anything for me. But God didn’t let me fall into that trap. His angels were fighting for me and used the headache to break me out of the fantasy, to let me know that it wasn’t real, that something wasn’t right. So I fought alongside them and suddenly I bolted upright in my bed, completely awake…free.

I still day dream. I still love reading and escaping for a little while. I still have that storybook romance waiting to be fulfilled. But ever since that night, I’ve never taken it too far. I’ve made sure to spend the majority of my time in the here and now. The here and now where I don’t always know what to say. Where I’m intimidated by women my age. Where I can’t wait for Prince Charming and settle for Prince No Name. Where I don’t seem to stand out at all. But where I have a relationship with God my Father, Lover and Protector and Redeemer of my soul. And that’s all I want.

America Should Read Romans 1

18For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness,
19because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.
20For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.
21For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22Professing to be wise, they became fools,
23and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.
24Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them.
25For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural,
27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.
28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper,
29being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips,
30slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents,
31without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful;
32and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

The gospel is the power of God and is used to bring salvation to anyone. It reveals the righteousness of God starting in faith and ending in faith. V16, 17

God has been revealed to all mankind since creation. Every aspect of his power and divinity are inherent in creation and every man has had the chance to understand and accept Him. V20
There are those who are unrighteous, who suppress the truth, that do not honor God or give Him thanks, who have dark hearts and futile thinking. They think they are wise but are fools and replaced God with mere symbols and images imitating His creation. V21,22,23

Because these people rejected God, He did not stop the influence of lust to turn their hearts impure. He did not stop them from dishonoring their bodies. He gave them up to their passions, exchanging love with the opposite to love with the same. He did not stop them from receiving the consequences and the curses that quickly follow these sins. He gave them up to their own minds, filled with evil and malice, covetousness and unrighteousness, envy and strife, murder and deceit. They became gossipers, slanderers, liars, thieves, cheaters, murderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless, and worse of all, inventors of evil. Though they understand their punishment, their curse, their death sentence, they continue in their lifestyle and encourage others to do the same. They exchanged God’s truth for lies. They did not see fit to acknowledge their holy Lord and so God let them follow the path they wanted. V24-32

God is not a God of dictatorship. He is not a puppet-master. He will not make someone do what they do not want to do. Those that want to have sex when they want, those that want to feel miserable, those that want to chase the money, those that want to be prideful, those are the people that are allowed to. Where does God stop you from doing so? When has He tied you to your bed so that you cannot get up and go buy drugs? When has He in any way kept you from what you want?

You were arrested? As a consequence of your own actions, doing exactly what you wanted to do! You were in a car wreck? Again, your actions are responsible not God. Will you curse God for Him allowing you to do what you want and so incur the consequences? You think He should let you have sex as much as you want but not actually get AIDS or pregnant? You think you should be able to sit on your butt all day and get promoted in your job?

Have there been instances that you felt God supernaturally working to keep you from pulling the trigger on that gun or from going to that party or from walking to that street corner? That is not a God that keeps you from what you want, that is a God recognizing that you do not truly want that! God knows you inside and out and can feel your hurts. He knows that you are trying to fill holes that you will never be able to fill. He’s trying to save you. Beware that you do not reject His rescues, because you have no guarantee that they will continue to come. Your heart may harden and His voice may fade away.

Fighting for Sanity

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know. Where the tree tops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells on the snow. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.”

Christmas really is the perfect time of year for me. It’s when hope is renewed, faith is strong, love is abundant, and cinnamon finds itself into everything we eat or drink. It’s happy time, you can’t stop the good feelings and the laughter and the community and the friendships from flourishing. I’m ready for this season in my life again. You’d think that you would hit an all-time low and then recover and never face it again. Which I guess is true, I’m just pretty good at finding new all-time lows. Lucky me, right?

I’m still working this latest one out. It’s hard to work from the end to the beginning, to start with my emotions and my reactions and work backwards to figure out the reasons behind them. It’s very disconcerting to be sad or angry and tired or frustrated and have no idea why. There’s always a little voice in my head going “Really? Why?”

My only solution is to change my surroundings. Maybe I’m depressed because I’m always alone. I never see my roommate, I’m awake when everyone is asleep, and my only human interactions are with my coworkers at work. So I’ve moved back home with my family to see if that doesn’t help. I never appreciated my family when I lived with them, mainly because they weren’t my family then. They were the people I co-existed with. Now that I want them to be my family, I’ve found it difficult to re-connect with them since I live so far away and have such a hectic schedule. Living at home doesnt change my schedule. In fact, it makes my life a little more complicated I think because it’s farther away from work. But I think it’s worth it to come home to people, to have my sisters dying to tell me what happened that day, to have my brother beg for me to play Transformers with him, to be able to moan and complain about my day to my dad and have him laugh about it with me. It’s worth it to have people waiting for me every day, wondering when I’m coming home, asking what I’m doing later that day.

Scott asked me today if he could be the ring bearer for my wedding. I asked him why he would ask me that and he said “because you’re getting married soon.” Even my little 8 year old brother knows how desperately I desire to have my own family. Part of my moving out of the house was to create my own family and I’ve tried to do so by joining other families, being a mother to as many as I could, seeking dating relationships, and gathering together a “college” family. But these families didn’t last, and while I still value all the friendships I accumulated, they aren’t a daily reality anymore.

Maybe instead of looking for a new family, I should enjoy and develop the one I was born in.

Ramblings

There are so many demons to fight. So many lessons to learn and implement, so many skills to use and streets to navigate. It’s overwhelming, it’s underwhelming. It’s too much and way too little. It’s real and it’s fake, imagination and reality. To be lonely is hard. To be lonely in a room of hundreds of people is suffocating. It’s debilitating. It’s demoralizing. It’s degrading. It’s easy to mask, easy to hide. But then again it’s hard. So very very hard.

To pretend is what you have to do to survive. Because once you stop pretending, then the loneliness is not only a part of your reality, it’s a part of your identity. It becomes who you are, a self-fulfilling prophecy. A never-ending cycle that you can’t pull out of. A hole that you can’t fill, a vacuum of space that stops time while you are crushed with the pain. You want to reach out your hand but don’t have the strength to. You’re fully aware and yet fully deceived. You know the heroes among you, you can recognize their power. But your fear to alienate keeps you back. Your fear to be identified as the desperate, needy, clingy, drowning individual that you are keeps you from seeking help. You want the healthy to want to visit you in the psych ward. You want someone to see that you just want a friend. You’re tired of filling your life and your bed with people who don’t really care about you. You’re tired of seeking friendships with people who are just as screwed up as you are.

So you pray and you pray and you pray that God will send you help. That He will rescue you. And you try and seek after Him every second of every day, to fill those empty holes with His presence. But it is increasingly harder and it is increasingly easier to be distracted by the nonsense around you. It’s easier to send a txt than it is to pray. It’s easier to feel safe when you sleep with arms around you than when you read a verse. Not even the peace of God lasts you. It too fades away and you have to be re-charged, just like the empty friendships that come and go. It’s no wonder you pray so earnestly for that spouse. Because once he comes, the waiting is over. You’ll finally have someone who loves you. But God loves you? It’s a truth that cannot be denied…but hard to realize. What is love? Is it possible to be loved but not feel like it? Is it then my fault that I don’t feel loved?

How can I feel when my very skin is numb, when I’m floating in empty space where sound and light and warmth can’t survive. There’s nothing above or behind me, below or in front of me. There is no up or down or left or right. The joystick is broken and there is no going home. It’s just how things are. This is reality. You don’t miss comforts when you have never experienced them. You forget about how good a bed feels when you’ve slept on the ground for years. You adapt to your surroundings and become thankful for the days you aren’t insane. Because who says love exists when you can’t see it? It’s all around us, it changes peoples lives, it’s all there is, it’s in the DNA of every molecule of life and unlife. Love is not real until it punches you in the face.

Learning to Lean

The past few months have been pretty cool God-wise. Little by little, our relationship is growing from acquaintances to good friends. I’m really starting to realize how much He cares for me. I can feel His love for people overwhelming me at times, which is new for me. I’ve always been empathetic or wanted to help people but never before have I started crying just because I’m so happy about who a person is or proud of what they are doing…even people I don’t really know. I feel God’s presence a lot more often now…it’s pretty cool, it’s like God taps me on the shoulder just to remind me He’s still here and in my head I always say “oh hey God” or “oh hey Jesus”…like our own little joke .

I’ve gotten pretty consistent about doing a little time in the morning with Him, although I’m still working on the whole discipline thing. I’m done with Proverbs 31 woman so now I’m reading through Celebration of Discipline again as my bible study, because I still haven’t gotten it lol. I read my Oswald Chambers, a little excerpt from My Princess (this little book that has letters from The King to His Princess, based on a certain verse in scripture…ministers directly to my heart everytime, just like God was talking to me right now.) and read a little of the Bible as well. That’s usually all I have time for, that and prayer, before I have to rush off to work.

Paul, the owner of the company I work for, had a heart attack a few days ago. I walked into work and he was in the process of having it right then, firefighters were walking in behind me. I’ve never had anyone I know or care for even go to the hospital for something possibly life-threatening so I was completely freaked out. I tried to hold it together as much as I could but when Paul was leaving he gave me a hug and told me not to worry and I couldn’t stop from crying, I had to go to the back and try and compose myself. He’s doing ok, but the doctor said if he doesn’t get rest and stop his workaholic lifestyle, he’ll die. So everyone in the company is stepping up and taking charge of different aspects so he can stay at home and sleep. Eric took his car so he can’t go anywhere and everyone has been ordered not to call or txt him and not to respond to him if he calls or txts us. That was a disappointment to me because I really wanted to send him encouraging txts, to let him know I cared for him and am praying and such. But I found a way around it I asked God to give me encouraging verses or words for Paul and I’ve been writing them on little cards and mailing them to him. I don’t sign them, so they’re anonymous. I like it better that way, I know I have that desire deep in my flesh to get recognition for things I do and instead I just want to hear that my cards really helped him in a dark point of his life.
So as manager, I’m going to be at the store all the time now. I gotta pick up all the shifts that can’t be covered until we hire some more staff. So in just an hour or so I will be opening it up and I think I work all the way until close.

One thing I love about my job is the people I meet and the relationships I form. At our company meeting, Tiffany said it best by saying that we never know the impact we might have on someone. I want to have an impact! We have a regular that everyone calls Granny and she told Tiffany that she keeps coming back because she knows that she is cared for here. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly how I want everyone who walks through our doors to feel. That store is my home, and everyone who comes in is my guest. I want to do everything I can to make them feel comfortable and I want to listen to them and hear their hearts and encourage and equip them for their day or their week as much as I can. The past few days, Oswald Chambers has been talking about how Christ is supposed to flow living rivers through us and that we seek a strong relationship with Him, not so that we can benefit but so that these rivers constantly flow through us and affect everyone around us. That’s what I want! And I think that’s what I’ve been feeling, in small doses, the past month or so. Oswald says to “never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ-not emotion or experience-nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

That’s one reason I told Michael we couldn’t date anymore. I don’t think an occasional date is bad but we were moving towards a relationship and I was already starting to shirk responsibilities a little bit at work, spending my extra time with him rather than my family or developing my relationship with God like I wanted, and we had already fallen to temptation a couple times. The whole thing was taking my focus off of helping Paul out with the company and trying to really understand this whole relationship with a Being who isn’t physical (ps, those of us with the love language of touch…how does God fulfill that?! I can understand Him fulfilling those with words of affirmation or gifts or service or something but what about physical touch?). He wasn’t very happy about it and tried to convince me otherwise. I’m pretty sure he’s still mad at me, but I just hope he understands in time.

I’ve been looking for some good praise verses in the Bible because I have started to want to praise God when I pray. Like just tell Him how awesome He is. And I feel like I get stuck in the same kind of things to say and I can’t branch out. Today I ready Ephesians 1:15-20 and I liked that…I might memorize that one. If anyone knows of some more, let me know!
I’m not giving up on my ministry ideas…I’m just having to postpone a little bit. Beto is having to postpone as well, he’s working on making Kidridge freaking awesome at TCAL. But I’m really excited to see it happen!

Warren Samuels spoke at TCAL this morning. I really miss that man. He and Paul have such an authentic passion for God and what He’s doing…it’s so refreshing and inspiring. I miss being with both of them. Hopefully I’ll be able to invest some time in them in the next few weeks. It’s hard because there are so many people that I haven’t seen in forever that I really want to hang out with. Maybe I should make a list? That might make it easier lol.