Conviction of Sins

I grow ever more confused along this concept of "conviction of sins". Which is silly because I've grown up in the church...all these really tough concepts are supposed to be easy peasy for me. I've always been the little know - it -all Christian. But the more I read about sin, the more I realize that I really just have no idea.

Several weeks ago, Oswald Chambers did several days of addressing the role of missionary. The first day I was blown over by this quote "The message of the missionary is the limitless importance of Jesus Christ as the propitiation for our sins." Such a "duh" statement but it wasn't until I read this excerpt that I realized that in all my dealings with people and all my plans, never once do I proclaim Christ as the propitiation for our sins. In fact, I didn't even really understand what that meant! I had to txt my friend Garrett to explain what that means to me. And I realized while going further into Chambers' teachings about missionaries that I focus totally on the "work" aspect of being a missionary (that is, building huts and relationships and what not) and not on bringing people to Christ! In fact, I'd rather I didn't have to bring people to Christ unless they are the one questioning me about it. And even then, I'm not proclaiming it as I should be. I just tell my story, my experiences.

I'm trying to bring people to Sarah Beth, not to the Cross!

Whoa.

Blasphemy incarnate.

So, after I came to realize this and after I picked myself up off the ground where God struck me with lightning, I questioned "why?" How could I get so twisted up and confused about something so CORE to my beliefs and what I want to do? Why don't I want to tell people about Jesus? Why do I shy away from talking about sin? Why is it that when Garrett said that we as humans are evil, I felt so completely offended?

I've never had conviction of sin. There I said it. I feel like I'm confessing to murder or something. It's completely taboo to be a follower of Christ and NOT have conviction of sin. But it's true. I feel burdened by sin, I feel guilty, I feel sorrow for people or myself trapped in sin, I feel lost, I feel trapped, I feel suffocated. But not once have I felt conviction for my sin to where I see myself as dirty and despicable as I am and realize just how big a sacrifice it was for Christ to die with my filth so that I could live. In fact, essentially I don't think I'm such a bad person. I'm aware of my sins but I guess I make concessions for them? Not that I don't think I need to be forgiven or that they don't ruin my relationship with Christ or anything but I don't see myself as evil. Rather, more accurately I guess, I see myself as an innocent who's trying as hard as she can and messes up a lot but when she turns her eyes to Christ, He rescues her everytime.

This is the state of mind I find myself in. After I'm learning that each and every one of us IS evil and that God cannot forgive us because He loves us, but because Christ died on that cross. And now I'm questioning...can you be saved without conviction of sin?!?!?!?!

I look at my experiences the past couple of years. And I think "How can I not be saved? Why would God draw me so close to Himself, why would the Holy Spirit come over me, if I'm not one of God's children?" You know? Like, how could I have this intimacy with Christ that I have now if I wasn't saved? But, how come I've never been convicted of my sin?

And now it makes sense why I don't ever tell people about Christ on the cross...because I never experienced conviction myself. That's why I don't shout at people to repent. That's why God hasn't sent me to be a missionary yet.

God, I don't understand. I'm very confused. I'm scared to ask for it but please, give me conviction of my sin. Show me my true self, as dirty and filthy and disgusting as it is. Help me realize how deep Your sacrifice goes for me.