"I Can't" Mentality

I am the Queen of the "I Can't" phrase. "I can't workout because I don't have money for a gym membership" or "I can't call my friend because I have to leave in 15 minutes and I don't want to cut it short" or "I can't get up early in the mornings so I can't get all the things I need to do done". Trust me, whatever it is that I don't want to do, I can think of a way to convince myself it's ok not to do it.

That, my friends, is my own "self-satisfaction", as Oswald Chambers puts it. That's my own spirit saying "Ya, you're fine! You don't have to worry about keeping in contact with your friends or getting everything done that you need to. It's not your fault! You're doing fine." But it's this same spirit that throws me into that pit of depression later that day when I see all these other women that seem to have it together better than me. Those women that workout and have lunch dates with their friends and get up on time.

I woke up this morning with Satan whispering as many selfish and depressing thoughts as he could into my ear. Weighing me down with my list of things to get done today, with thoughts of imperfectness, trying to disarm me by reminding me that my future husband doesn't want a lazy wife who sleeps in all the time. He tried to make me feel lonely and isolated by asking me where my boyfriend was, and then inquiring if I even have any real friends.

But here's what I say to him. "If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" (John 8:36). I lay my individuality down before the throne of Christ so that nothing gets in the way of His work. I sacrifice my wants and desires, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, all so that His kingdom can come. Because God does not force me to sacrifice. He does not discipline my mind. That is something that I must do in obedience to Him. I cannot come to Him and say "I'm sorry Lord that I didn't obey but I have this struggle that hindered me!" Don't have that struggle! Don't have wandering thoughts, don't worry about finances, don't fill your heart with insufficient things. You have the choice and so you have the power to say no to all of these things! Satan has got us all conned into thinking we are powerless in our own minds.

Oh to be completely broken, to lose everything that makes me who I am, all so that Christ radiates through me, so that Christ is all. To be "not just merged into Him, but made one with Him...free to the very core of your being; free from the inside to the outside." (Oswald Chambers). The thought scares me. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know how the process works, and I have no idea who I'll be on the other side. I'm comfortable with myself, as faulty and miserable as it may be at times. But I trust my King and I desperately want to follow Him. And so I plunge in out of obedience, and trust that even if I die, His name will be glorified.