Last night I dreamed my husband cheated on me.
First, I should establish that I never dream. Or rather, I never remember dreams. Apparently everyone dreams, some scientist somewhere asserted that. But I've found I sleep so deeply that once I'm awake, I have no recollection of dreaming...not even a vague haze of something. I've had 5 dreams my whole life, I can tell you about each one if you'd like.
Last night I had a dream that my husband cheated on me. I won't give you details but I can assure you that it was soap opera, twisted kind of stuff. In my dream, my husband and I were in the car, and he was telling me what happened. I was so shocked, appalled, and angry that I woke myself up. I turned over in my bed to look at my husband and struggled with an intense hatred for a long time. I kept telling myself "You were dreaming Sarah. It didn't happen"...but it felt real. That's another caveat to my dreams, the few that I have had have been extremely detailed and real...almost like memories.
I couldn't stop thinking about what Curtis had told me in my dream, envisioning what his cheating looked like, and it made me want to scream. I thought back to the dream, how we were both in the car, and thought about all the things I would do in that instance...the things I would say, how I'd demand he stop the car so I could get out, how I'd lock him out of the apt...how I didn't have anyone to turn to, to seek help from.
Couple with this that I'm still trying to come to terms with my husband's previous relationships, my own self-esteem issues, and the overwhelming sense that I have no skill when it comes to the marriage bed...
put all that together and you may understand why it's hard for me to hold it together. Why I refuse to think about any of this at all, so I won't fall apart. Why I willingly work long hours, why I keep everyone at arms length, why I distract myself with tv shows and movies for hours and hours.
It hurts and it overwhelms and I can't let it drown me. Even though I know there is healing and rest and renewal in the arms of Christ, I push Him out too. I can't drown. I can't admit that there is something wrong. I can't lose control.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Renewal for the city. Dignity and honor. Self-respect and productivity. Pursuit of life and happiness. The ReWork organization was created to facilitate and grow all of these things specifically for the homeless community in Austin, Texas.
The goal is complete renewal of the person through meeting needs and promoting personal growth. ReWork creates a space of creativity, allowing men and women to use the knowledge they already have in woodworking, sewing, and other pursuits, or teaching them these skills so that they can have some kind of income. ReWork has the space, the tools, the materials, and the volunteers well-versed in each category and ReWork invites the homeless in to participate. ReWork Gallery will be a storefront that puts these products produced by the homeless up for sale...each person retains 100% of income from these sales. ReWork believes that teaching these trades enables individuals to continue to support themselves no matter where they are, as well as giving purpose and meaning where perhaps there wasn't before.
ReWork also has a computer lab equipped with a printer and telephone. Men and women can create resumes, search for jobs, receive online training (for example, TABC certification or Food Handlers), as well as print applications and call businesses or family. Volunteers are also available to help create or edit resumes, complete applications, or search for jobs.
In the works
Currently ReWork is equipping itself to have showers and a washer/dryer setup. This would allow men and women to prepare for interviews, and just gain a little dignity and self-respect. The benefit of a good shower is something everyone can understand.
ReWork is already functioning and making real impacts on the lives of many in the homeless community...but there is a long way to go to complete everything the organization wishes to do. There is a lot of need for volunteers.
Pick up Army
Volunteers are needed that have large vehicles, preferably trucks, that can carry materials from drop off points to the ReWork facility. ReWork constantly has a large influx of donations, but lacks the ability to gather all materials as they are available. These volunteers would be on a call list and when a shipment is ready, a leader at ReWork would call down the list to see who was available to pick it up. Volunteers would be utilized on an as-needed basis.
Desired amount - 20
Homeless Advocates
Most of the homeless that ReWork interacts with are men and women that have been forced into homelessness because of circumstances or lack of family to help them. Many men and women would like to be reunited with family, need new copies of identification, need help creating a resume or finding a job or finding a housing situation.
This volunteer homeless advocate would spend some one on one time with one or two men/women. It's important to learn that person's story, in order to help them the best. Once the needs are clearly outlined, the advocate would most likely spend a lot of time on the phone, online, seeking out the information that is needed.
Because this volunteer position has the homeless advocate working very closely with men/women that have already been taken advantage of many times, a background check is required as well as some training. ReWork is happy to provide all homeless advocates with as much resources, training, and help that they need.
Desired amount -
Gallery Volunteers
This is basically retail work. In shifts of 3 or 4 hours, volunteers would sell the items put up in the gallery. Of course, volunteers would be handling money as well as doing mild cleaning or organizing.
Currently the gallery is not up and running but ReWorks hopes to have it operational sometime in April.
Desired amount -
General Volunteers
This is perhaps ReWork's greatest need right now. There is so much organizing, cleaning, building, etc still needing to be done in the ReWork facility, and not enough people available to do it. Anyone and everyone can volunteer in this capacity. If someone is more detail oriented, there are tasks for that. If someone is better at moving big and heavy things, there is definitely tasks for that. If someone has a specialization, say electricity, there is definitely tasks for that. More than anything, ReWork needs helping hands on a daily basis to engage with the homeless as they come in, build relationships with them, and help ReWork become more equipped to do all that it is designed to do.
Desired amount -
How to be a Volunteer
Fill out the form below with your name, number, email, and availability as well as any special desires or areas to work in.
Come to the Volunteer Orientation on April 15th at 3pm at Soma Austin Community Church 4201 S Congress Ave.
Email Sarah Boyd at reworkvolunteers@gmail.com
The goal is complete renewal of the person through meeting needs and promoting personal growth. ReWork creates a space of creativity, allowing men and women to use the knowledge they already have in woodworking, sewing, and other pursuits, or teaching them these skills so that they can have some kind of income. ReWork has the space, the tools, the materials, and the volunteers well-versed in each category and ReWork invites the homeless in to participate. ReWork Gallery will be a storefront that puts these products produced by the homeless up for sale...each person retains 100% of income from these sales. ReWork believes that teaching these trades enables individuals to continue to support themselves no matter where they are, as well as giving purpose and meaning where perhaps there wasn't before.
ReWork also has a computer lab equipped with a printer and telephone. Men and women can create resumes, search for jobs, receive online training (for example, TABC certification or Food Handlers), as well as print applications and call businesses or family. Volunteers are also available to help create or edit resumes, complete applications, or search for jobs.
In the works
Currently ReWork is equipping itself to have showers and a washer/dryer setup. This would allow men and women to prepare for interviews, and just gain a little dignity and self-respect. The benefit of a good shower is something everyone can understand.
ReWork is already functioning and making real impacts on the lives of many in the homeless community...but there is a long way to go to complete everything the organization wishes to do. There is a lot of need for volunteers.
Pick up Army
Volunteers are needed that have large vehicles, preferably trucks, that can carry materials from drop off points to the ReWork facility. ReWork constantly has a large influx of donations, but lacks the ability to gather all materials as they are available. These volunteers would be on a call list and when a shipment is ready, a leader at ReWork would call down the list to see who was available to pick it up. Volunteers would be utilized on an as-needed basis.
Desired amount - 20
Homeless Advocates
Most of the homeless that ReWork interacts with are men and women that have been forced into homelessness because of circumstances or lack of family to help them. Many men and women would like to be reunited with family, need new copies of identification, need help creating a resume or finding a job or finding a housing situation.
This volunteer homeless advocate would spend some one on one time with one or two men/women. It's important to learn that person's story, in order to help them the best. Once the needs are clearly outlined, the advocate would most likely spend a lot of time on the phone, online, seeking out the information that is needed.
Because this volunteer position has the homeless advocate working very closely with men/women that have already been taken advantage of many times, a background check is required as well as some training. ReWork is happy to provide all homeless advocates with as much resources, training, and help that they need.
Desired amount -
Gallery Volunteers
This is basically retail work. In shifts of 3 or 4 hours, volunteers would sell the items put up in the gallery. Of course, volunteers would be handling money as well as doing mild cleaning or organizing.
Currently the gallery is not up and running but ReWorks hopes to have it operational sometime in April.
Desired amount -
General Volunteers
This is perhaps ReWork's greatest need right now. There is so much organizing, cleaning, building, etc still needing to be done in the ReWork facility, and not enough people available to do it. Anyone and everyone can volunteer in this capacity. If someone is more detail oriented, there are tasks for that. If someone is better at moving big and heavy things, there is definitely tasks for that. If someone has a specialization, say electricity, there is definitely tasks for that. More than anything, ReWork needs helping hands on a daily basis to engage with the homeless as they come in, build relationships with them, and help ReWork become more equipped to do all that it is designed to do.
Desired amount -
How to be a Volunteer
Fill out the form below with your name, number, email, and availability as well as any special desires or areas to work in.
Come to the Volunteer Orientation on April 15th at 3pm at Soma Austin Community Church 4201 S Congress Ave.
Email Sarah Boyd at reworkvolunteers@gmail.com
Sunday, March 11, 2012
KONY 2012
I just finished watching the KONY 2012 video created by the non profit Invisible Children.
There's been a lot of chatter about this video and about the issue it brings up all over twitter, facebook, memes, etc. A lot of blind participation, a lot of informed opinions, and a lot of critiques from those for and against the video or the organization.
Here's what it boils down to...do you believe that anyone should hurt a child? Do you think it is ok for children to run scared from their homes because they will be kidnapped? Do you think it is alright for a child to be forced to kill their parents? Do you think it is acceptable for young girls to be passed around an army for sexual favors?
Kony is just a man. We can arrest him, kill him and another man will just rise up in his place. This is bigger than just one man.
Stopping Kony is not enough. With Kony out of the way, 300 other evil men will have the chance to rise up again. We can't win this war with just military strength...we have to change the game. There has to be education for these children, there has to be police to keep them safe, there has to be a stable environment where evil is pursued and stopped.
We can't just update our statuses.
We can't just call our representatives.
We can't just march in our cities.
We can't just send troops.
Do you understand? All of these things are not enough. History will continue to repeat itself.
We have to go.
We have to leave our homes and go where this chaos lives and we have to love and protect and change the game ourselves. We cannot fix the situation isolated from the problem.
This is a war that requires our lives. It requires that we live our lives fighting for the innocent, for those that can't fight for themselves. It requires that we be willing to die in order that another may live.
How many of you who have updated your status have actually bought the Action Kit the video talks about? How many have plans to canvas their city on April 20th with the posters and stickers provided? How many have donated money? How many have called their representative?
How many are going? How many are so infuriated by the images that they saw that they are selling all they have and moving to make a difference?
Words without actions are worth nothing.
What can one person do? What impact can one person have? One person can give his/her life in order to protect or save another...and that is a huge impact.
There's been a lot of chatter about this video and about the issue it brings up all over twitter, facebook, memes, etc. A lot of blind participation, a lot of informed opinions, and a lot of critiques from those for and against the video or the organization.
Here's what it boils down to...do you believe that anyone should hurt a child? Do you think it is ok for children to run scared from their homes because they will be kidnapped? Do you think it is alright for a child to be forced to kill their parents? Do you think it is acceptable for young girls to be passed around an army for sexual favors?
Kony is just a man. We can arrest him, kill him and another man will just rise up in his place. This is bigger than just one man.
Stopping Kony is not enough. With Kony out of the way, 300 other evil men will have the chance to rise up again. We can't win this war with just military strength...we have to change the game. There has to be education for these children, there has to be police to keep them safe, there has to be a stable environment where evil is pursued and stopped.
We can't just update our statuses.
We can't just call our representatives.
We can't just march in our cities.
We can't just send troops.
Do you understand? All of these things are not enough. History will continue to repeat itself.
We have to go.
We have to leave our homes and go where this chaos lives and we have to love and protect and change the game ourselves. We cannot fix the situation isolated from the problem.
This is a war that requires our lives. It requires that we live our lives fighting for the innocent, for those that can't fight for themselves. It requires that we be willing to die in order that another may live.
How many of you who have updated your status have actually bought the Action Kit the video talks about? How many have plans to canvas their city on April 20th with the posters and stickers provided? How many have donated money? How many have called their representative?
How many are going? How many are so infuriated by the images that they saw that they are selling all they have and moving to make a difference?
Words without actions are worth nothing.
What can one person do? What impact can one person have? One person can give his/her life in order to protect or save another...and that is a huge impact.
Monday, January 2, 2012
2012
This past year has been crazy.
I moved to Austin with my family, got a job at Chuy's, started attending Soma Austin Church.
I met my husband!
February 1st, to be exact. We started dating March 14, he proposed May 25, and we got married November 26.
By far, that is the greatest blessing of the whole year. After reflecting over the year, remembering my own nature...I almost believe God put me with my husband because "someone has to knock some sense into her!" Not that God hasn't knocked sense into me many times...it's kind of my learning style I guess. Marriage is kind of like running...it's awesome and there are immediate and longterm benefits but there are times when you are out of breath and sweaty and exhausted and it's not any fun at all.
In 2009 I finally surrendered myself after 20 years of God begging, pleading, wooing, chasing, and fighting me. In 2010 I learned the way God created humans, how we are created for obedience, to bring God glory, to be filled with His Spirit. I learned to be strong in prayer, not only intercessing for my family or friends, but complete strangers I passed, customers, acquaintances, and people in other countries. I learned what it truly means to pray without ceasing, constantly on the phone with God. I learned to love His voice, His Spirit and to long to be in His presence in heaven. God revealed parts of myself, my sin nature, my greed, my selfishness that I refused to see before. God also revealed who He created me to be, a very distinct picture of the woman He would grow me into...oh how exciting that was! I always wanted to be great, to prove to everyone else that I was worth something and that I could change the world. I had it twisted around, but that desire to change the world was from Him! Because He wanted to use me to change the world for Him, to bring Him glory, to bring His kingdom on earth! The Almighty Lord of the world wants to use me! He has plans already laid out for me and they fulfill me like no other plans of my own could!
Unfortunately, that was 2010...kind of my honeymoon period with the Lord. Come 2011 and all the spiritual habits I had developed out of a desire to seek His face were broken. Suddenly I didn't want to pray without ceasing, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Slowly, I stopped praying for other countries, friends I had left behind, and I never developed friendships here in Austin that I would feel obligated to pray for. I had started discipling a young girl towards the end of 2010, and once 2011 rolled around I had lost almost all desire to continue. I used our distance apart as an excuse, stating it was too hard to try and catch each other on the phone. The truth is, I didn't want to make time. I praise God today that her relationship with Him has nothing to do with me and that despite me I believe she has grown in her understanding of our Great Lord. I ran from God. I sought other people's approval and didn't feel accomplished until I received it. I started back into school without a solid way to pay for it, simply because my pride drove me. I dated a guy I barely knew because he said he liked me and I was so desperate to be liked. I hung out with Curtis (now my husband) while dating this other guy because he made me feel so good too. As a result, I used both men...something I am very ashamed to admit. Sucking as much as I could from each man, I pushed one to break up with me and the other I pushed far away from me.
But our Lord is Great and Mighty and He is incredibly merciful. Even though I had only shown myself to be incredibly selfish and desperate, the Lord softened Curtis heart. Curtis told me later that he felt God tell him that "our story was not done yet." Doesn't that send chills down your back?! Curtis responded by completely opening his arms to me and loving me fully from the very start with no abandon. He threw me off guard actually, lol, I remember him saying "I love you" within a week of us dating and I had no idea what to say back. The scary thing was I knew he meant it...not like a young boy who's wrapped up in the romantic and says it just to say it...even if he thinks he means it. There was something deeper in what Curtis meant when he said "I love you," now I recognize it as the love of Christ flowing through him.
So despite my rejection of Christ, despite abandoning Him and following my own selfish pursuits, God still chased after me. Or rather, turned around slowly while I ran frantically around at His feet. (Who are we kidding, can we really run from God? We're just little toddlers running behind our Parent and thinking He can't find us). Curtis portrayed a physical example of Christ to me, not always because he is human. Curtis loved me even through all the bullsh#$%^ I put him through. Just as Christ, he healed my wounds, he rebuked the sin, he held me as I sobbed, he tenderly directed me.
And so now, at the beginning of the new year, I kneel on the ground, arms and face lifted upwards and cry out for His Spirit again. I did it my way, I chased my own desires and all I cared about was me...and there was no fulfillment in it. All I feel is emptiness, pain, hurt, sorrow, regret, disgust and shame. Lord, I want to be REAL again. I want to talk to You again, I want to hear Your Voice again, I want to feel You close to me. I want to learn more about You, about me, about the world, about Your plan. Everything deep inside me cries out for You Lord and I am tired of trying to ignore it.
As Jacob said in his sermon yesterday, quality over quantity. My new year's resolution is to fall on my face before God every day and say "None of self and all of Thee, Lord." No lists this year, nothing that makes me feel like I accomplished something...instead, I empty myself of all my selfish desires and goals and reasonings and instead ask to be filled with His desires and His goals, because I know that those are good for me and I know they will bring me joy like nothing I could dream up. Instead of purposing to do something, I'm purposing
I moved to Austin with my family, got a job at Chuy's, started attending Soma Austin Church.
I met my husband!
February 1st, to be exact. We started dating March 14, he proposed May 25, and we got married November 26.
By far, that is the greatest blessing of the whole year. After reflecting over the year, remembering my own nature...I almost believe God put me with my husband because "someone has to knock some sense into her!" Not that God hasn't knocked sense into me many times...it's kind of my learning style I guess. Marriage is kind of like running...it's awesome and there are immediate and longterm benefits but there are times when you are out of breath and sweaty and exhausted and it's not any fun at all.
In 2009 I finally surrendered myself after 20 years of God begging, pleading, wooing, chasing, and fighting me. In 2010 I learned the way God created humans, how we are created for obedience, to bring God glory, to be filled with His Spirit. I learned to be strong in prayer, not only intercessing for my family or friends, but complete strangers I passed, customers, acquaintances, and people in other countries. I learned what it truly means to pray without ceasing, constantly on the phone with God. I learned to love His voice, His Spirit and to long to be in His presence in heaven. God revealed parts of myself, my sin nature, my greed, my selfishness that I refused to see before. God also revealed who He created me to be, a very distinct picture of the woman He would grow me into...oh how exciting that was! I always wanted to be great, to prove to everyone else that I was worth something and that I could change the world. I had it twisted around, but that desire to change the world was from Him! Because He wanted to use me to change the world for Him, to bring Him glory, to bring His kingdom on earth! The Almighty Lord of the world wants to use me! He has plans already laid out for me and they fulfill me like no other plans of my own could!
Unfortunately, that was 2010...kind of my honeymoon period with the Lord. Come 2011 and all the spiritual habits I had developed out of a desire to seek His face were broken. Suddenly I didn't want to pray without ceasing, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Slowly, I stopped praying for other countries, friends I had left behind, and I never developed friendships here in Austin that I would feel obligated to pray for. I had started discipling a young girl towards the end of 2010, and once 2011 rolled around I had lost almost all desire to continue. I used our distance apart as an excuse, stating it was too hard to try and catch each other on the phone. The truth is, I didn't want to make time. I praise God today that her relationship with Him has nothing to do with me and that despite me I believe she has grown in her understanding of our Great Lord. I ran from God. I sought other people's approval and didn't feel accomplished until I received it. I started back into school without a solid way to pay for it, simply because my pride drove me. I dated a guy I barely knew because he said he liked me and I was so desperate to be liked. I hung out with Curtis (now my husband) while dating this other guy because he made me feel so good too. As a result, I used both men...something I am very ashamed to admit. Sucking as much as I could from each man, I pushed one to break up with me and the other I pushed far away from me.
But our Lord is Great and Mighty and He is incredibly merciful. Even though I had only shown myself to be incredibly selfish and desperate, the Lord softened Curtis heart. Curtis told me later that he felt God tell him that "our story was not done yet." Doesn't that send chills down your back?! Curtis responded by completely opening his arms to me and loving me fully from the very start with no abandon. He threw me off guard actually, lol, I remember him saying "I love you" within a week of us dating and I had no idea what to say back. The scary thing was I knew he meant it...not like a young boy who's wrapped up in the romantic and says it just to say it...even if he thinks he means it. There was something deeper in what Curtis meant when he said "I love you," now I recognize it as the love of Christ flowing through him.
So despite my rejection of Christ, despite abandoning Him and following my own selfish pursuits, God still chased after me. Or rather, turned around slowly while I ran frantically around at His feet. (Who are we kidding, can we really run from God? We're just little toddlers running behind our Parent and thinking He can't find us). Curtis portrayed a physical example of Christ to me, not always because he is human. Curtis loved me even through all the bullsh#$%^ I put him through. Just as Christ, he healed my wounds, he rebuked the sin, he held me as I sobbed, he tenderly directed me.
And so now, at the beginning of the new year, I kneel on the ground, arms and face lifted upwards and cry out for His Spirit again. I did it my way, I chased my own desires and all I cared about was me...and there was no fulfillment in it. All I feel is emptiness, pain, hurt, sorrow, regret, disgust and shame. Lord, I want to be REAL again. I want to talk to You again, I want to hear Your Voice again, I want to feel You close to me. I want to learn more about You, about me, about the world, about Your plan. Everything deep inside me cries out for You Lord and I am tired of trying to ignore it.
As Jacob said in his sermon yesterday, quality over quantity. My new year's resolution is to fall on my face before God every day and say "None of self and all of Thee, Lord." No lists this year, nothing that makes me feel like I accomplished something...instead, I empty myself of all my selfish desires and goals and reasonings and instead ask to be filled with His desires and His goals, because I know that those are good for me and I know they will bring me joy like nothing I could dream up. Instead of purposing to do something, I'm purposing
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