Counting My Blessings

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

Bing Crosby, White Christmas

When thinking back over the year since last Christmas, it's easy to see the many blessings that I have. It's also to see how God orchestrated everything in order to grow me and teach me. And how much He loves me. It's crazy to think of the many ways I tried to veer off, to ignore Him, to forsake Him, to go my own way...and then how many times He just kept drawing me to Him.

I've been broker than I've ever been before in my life. I had bigger debts, more bill collectors, and less options. I was arrested, I wrecked my car, I found myself in horrible working conditions, I moved 4 times, I was dumped, I started going to counseling again, I was lonely, I was depressed, I lost way too much weight, I got addicted to coffee again, I was almost raped, I made a lot of bad decisions with guys, and I dropped out of school. I hit my all time lowest point.

But I am the most blessed person I know.

I am still alive.
I never once went hungry.
I was never sick.
I was NOT raped.
I am healthy again.
I am learning to deal with depression.
I didn't make the worst decision with a guy.
Counseling helped.
TCAL provided a new car.
I have a better job.
I met an awesome officer when I was arrested who helped me when I wrecked.
I am living back home with my family.
I have the opportunity to drink coffee.
I start school in January at Christ For the Nations Institute.
I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.
I live in a country where all this is possible.

I don't have much by American standards. But when you look at everyone else living in other countries...I have so much. I have so many books, so many clothes, so much makeup, so much shampoo and lotions, so much food in the pantry, so many towels...I mean, it's crazy when you really think about it how much stuff we have that we don't REALLY need. I don't need a mattress to sleep on. I don't need 10 different towels. I don't need 2o34234 different outfits. I don't need 5 kinds of lotion. I don't need my own library. So many people out there are just surviving. I think I had it bad this past year just because I had to go to Mission Arlington a couple times to get groceries...HELLO! Not everyone has a Mission Arlington they can go to! How blessed are we simply because we live in America.

And then when I think about the people I know personally that have poured into me...wow. So many teachers, parents, families, kids, friends, bosses that have impacted me. It's amazing to me how the closer I get to God, the more I love people....and the more I feel that love just bubbling out of me. It usually results in me crying. Which is awesome.

My dad. I've never been more proud of my dad than I have been this past year. Watching him step up and challenge young men in his caregroup at church and really work to teach my little brother how to be a boy. Knowing that he's working harder to make sure he is loving my mom like he should and modeling that to me and my siblings. Having him tell me that I'm beautiful, something I've been waiting 20 years to hear.

My mom. I have the hardest time loving my mom for who she is, respecting her, and not taking her for granted. Those that know me understand why. But this past year I've really been able to understand what she does for our family. She wants to stay home and teach my siblings but she took a job because the family needs the money. She works with the elderly and she absolutely loves it, she has such a heart for them. She deals with my siblings every single day who she has to repeat EVERYTHING to 3000 times before they finally get it. She plays taxi cab to everyone's needs and when I moved back home she arranged everything so I could. Everyone in the family seems to lash out at her in anger or frustration or just give her attitude but she always takes it, usually silently. She is the strongest woman on the planet.

My sisters. When I lived at home, I had absolutely no relationship with them. The older one hated me and the younger one just wanted me to acknowledge her existence. When I left home I was able to come back to them and ask forgiveness, which they gave, but it wasn't until this year and more specifically the past year, that we've started to be close as sisters should. I'm watching my sister Elise as she grows and matures. She is absolutely gorgeous and so talented. She brings people out of their shell with her humor. She lights up a room as soon as she walks in the door. She's really growing into herself, settling into her own sense of style and personality and the result is stunning. My sister Candace is so quiet but I'm learning that it doesn't mean she's weak. She loves without holding back and has no problem with welcoming people in. She is just as beautiful as my sister Elise, although she is still searching a little for her own niche in life.

My brother. Scott is the constant challenge in my life. He reminds me to stop thinking about myself and just invest in people while sacrificing a little of my time to do so. He can be throwing a hug fit and screaming and crying and slamming doors but he also calls me asking when I will come home. He can melt my heart anytime he wants to...while he can also drive me absolutely up a wall with insanity. I love it when he snuggles with me (those rare few seconds he actually sits still), I love it when he tries to scare me and laughs hysterically when he does. I love when he tries to fight me and how he keeps trying even though it's futile. I love his lisp, I love that he's so ridiculously short, I love that he isn't afraid of anything, and I absolutely love when he surprises me with his heart. I can't wait until he grows up!


And that's just my immediate family. There's so much extended family and friends that I could write about. But I've bawled enough for one night I think!