Bah!

The title of my blog today is exactly the sound I make when I'm frustrated and run out of things to say...BAH!

I think it's just been one of those days. I haven't had a car for over a week and I'm growing frustrated with being stuck at home. I can't see my friends because I can't drive to their house or even meet them halfway. I finally have time to make plans with people and I can't simply because I can't get out of the house. I don't have the freedom to go where I want, when I want. And so I'm stuck at home, which is getting a little lonely.

I don't want to reach out to my guy friends for companionship because it's too easy to fall into a relationship out of convenience or guilt or sympathy. And I want to grow and pursue friendships with girls, but not having a car is really hindering me! Plus, I dunno what to say to girls half the time. I dunno what they like to do and most of the time when I'm talking I feel like I'm talking another language or something.

And hang it all, the ONE guy who fulfills EVERYTHING God told me to look for in a husband is not giving clear signs either way. Sometimes he seems really interested and sometimes he doesn't. I'm close to just asking him flat out so I can move on with my life.

And at the bottom of all this, deep in the back of my consciousness, past the spoiled "i don't wanna" and "poor me" attitude is the real me. The real me who knows that God is isolating me for a reason. That He's drawing me closer to Him, to learn to rely so completely on Him that every breathe I'm leaning on Him. The real me that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has His timing for my husband and that whether or not this guy is "the one", God has promised me a husband and He's told me his exact characteristics. The real me that knows that God feels my pain and that if I can just give them to Him, He completes me.

God, it's hard to trust You. It's hard to believe You. It's hard to let go of my own bad attitude and willful desires. It's hard not to settle for something less than what You promised me and it's hard to NOT take things into my own hands . It's hard to let go of my own desires...and God it's so hard to take my eyes off what I want and align my heart with Yours. It's when I'm most focused on my own woes that I am least useful for Your kingdom and recently You've allowed me to experience the joy that comes from bringing glory only to You. I don't want to lose that chance; I want everything I do to shout praises to You. Thank You that You love me and that that love is all I need...period. Thank You for drawing me closer to You and teaching me lessons I don't want to learn. Thank You for Your presence I grow more and more aware of daily. Your name be praised above everything else, in Jesus's name. Amen.