One of Those Days...Again

It never fails does it. Satan comes at you like a spidermonkey just when you think you're safe or you're secure in Christ.

I wake up today feeling like I didn't sleep at all. On my morning prayer call, I couldn't concentrate or focus on any of the prayers. In my own quiet time, I couldn't get into prayer like normal. I couldn't focus on my own studies. I feel restless, reading for a couple minutes and jumping to something else.

It's hard. And by "it" I mean everything. Oswald Chambers said this morning that if you're not rooted in Christ, we are lost. We have to be consistent internally rather than externally. If my soul is always pointed towards Him, then it won't matter where I find myself or what situation I'm in because I will remain steadfast. But if I worry more about being consistently externally, i.e. legalistic, than I will be just as lost as non-believers. Being consistent internally allows me to be surrounded by non-believers and not be shaken from my beliefs. It allows me to travel all over the world, like Paul, and preach the Gospel. Because no matter the people, the customs, the situations, the message never changes. The power never lessens.

So this whole "consistent internally" is hard. Because again, I am feeling inadequate. Again, I look in the mirror and think "ew". Again, I feel frustrated that I don't measure up to the classic ideals for beauty. Again, I want to pierce and tattoo everything I can in an effort to say "fuck you" to those very ideals. Again, I feel like I need confirmation that I'm pretty. Again, I'm willing to seek that confirmation out. Again again again. All this is way too familiar to me.

My Princess, Treasure Your Body

Your body is a gift from Me, and you are too valuable to let the wrong person open that gift. You are My treasure, and My Spirit dwells within you. I know there is an inner war raging for your soul and your body-fighting against all you know to be true. Remember, My love, I can fight this battle for you, so don't compromise My best for you for a moment of passion. I know it may seem harmless to give yourself away, but the pain is not worth the pleasure. Listen, My love: Don't imitate those in the world who care nothing for your soul. Give yourself to Me, and I will give you the love you're looking for.

Love,

Your King and your Purity

"Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow" - Psalm 51:7

How can I not look at all these beautiful girls and not feel inadequate? These beautiful girls that have the body, the face, the hair, the clothes, the personality, the smile. I used to try and be just like these girls, worrying about what I eat, how my clothes fit, what clothes I'm wearing, my hair, my makeup, everything. I could never do it. I can't do it. And now I have this hopelessness that won't go away.

Here it is. I feel hopeless because I think I have to be like these girls to be loved. I have to be like these girls to attract that guy so that he'll want to marry me. Because marriage is my ultimate goal. Past that, I don't care what happens. And marriage won't come if I can't attract that guy, which I can't do unless I can somehow fit into this mold that I will never fit in.

I guess as long as marriage is my goal, I'll struggle through all this. It's when my goal is Christ that life makes sense. Those brief moments or days are the happiest of my life. Now if I can just make it last longer....