Why can't we accept what God wants to give us or teach us when it's easy? Why do we make it hard? Why are we so stubborn and obstinate that we wait until we have no other options, until we lose everything to finally submit?
I used to think that we were just stupid and always missed the message until we were completely broken on our faces. But I'm beginning to believe that it is only on our faces that we can understand the message. I think it is the process of being broken that helps us understand the message. It is in that place of desperation and destitution that we fully experience grace, mercy, and love.
All the promises I say, all the resolutions I make are pointless if I think that I can accomplish or fulfill them. I can't eat healthy for a year...I can't even eat healthy for an hour. I can't discipline myself to not stay up late. I can't...but He can. That's what it's all about isn't it? Surrendering everything to Him because we can't do it. Period. Zilch. Nada. No way Jose. He is the Almighty for a reason...and we aren't for a reason.
It's when we come to the end of ourselves, when we have nothing left to give, no other options to pursue that we can finally receive the Holy Spirit and allow Him to work through us. I believe that this is how things are supposed to work, that it's part of the process. We shouldn't look back and think "If I had only figured it out back then, I wouldn't be in this mess". You were SUPPOSED to go through that mess. You were SUPPOSED to get to this point. Because no way no how were you going to figure it out back then...it's impossible. It'd be like wishing you had the physical body of a college football player when you were 5...it's not going to happen. Neither could you wish that you had the knowledge of a college graduate as a freshman in high school. It's just a waste of time, because that's not how things work. Time and Experience are necessary teachers.
In other news, it's getting harder to stay committed to God as my husband. I have to completely change my whole mindset, just as if I had an earthly husband. If I had an earthly husband, I couldn't go out with friends til the wee hours of the morning like I did as a single. It's different having to think of another person before myself. Which just goes to show you how selfish I've been my entire life. I think the hardest things are not thinking of myself first and not pursuing the comforts of another human. Sometimes I just want to be held, to have someone to talk to after I get off work, someone to go grocery shopping with, to call on my breaks. Since I don't have that someone, I'm forced to seek God in those moments. And those moments are precious. I love them. But that small ache is still there and hasn't quite gone away.
Maybe because I don't want it to.
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