Coal Vine's

It seems I am always in that transition phase, where I have become fully aware of an issue or problem or question that applies to my life, my brain, or my body but have not yet come into a solution. That spot where you can almost go crazy because you cannot move forward, or backward for that matter, and must instead just sit in one spot.

I wrote this little excerpt in October in 2008 and it really sums up everything I feel at this point. Except add more crying.

"And so I find myself here once again, all I know is the little plot of land I’m standing on and what I think is out there. I have no idea if there is land to the left, right, front or back of me, if I’m supposed to step out, jump out, swim out, or wait for someone to pick me up. How long will this land I’m standing on be here? It could start to give way at any second or just disappear or I could spend the rest of my life on it. I can’t see but its not because my eyes don’t work. I’m surrounded by a thick darkness that I can as much feel as not see. It’s hot and stuffy and makes thinking clearly hard. I feel my heartbeat rising and a panicky feeling grip my knees. I think I’m healthy and ready for whatever comes next but I don’t really know. I can’t remember anything other than the spot I’m in, I can’t move because the darkness has me cocooned and the only sense that I know for sure is working is that of feel, because I feel the ground I’m standing on and I feel the darkness around me. Take your shoes off for you are on holy ground."

This was the only way I could express the spot in life I found myself in and my frustration at not being able to move forward or backward. The last line is my acknowledgement that I am on holy ground, more specifically that God has me right where I am supposed to be and I am protected. The land underneath me will not fade away, the darkness will lift at some point, and I will be able to move forward again.

I find that I am struggling with work the most. (Btw, I just realized that I use the phrase "I find that" a lot...I think that I think it makes me sound smarter). I'm not sure who to be at work. Which is supposed to be a simple answer, be yourself. Well, no I can't be myself at work. I am a carefree, love everyone, don't worry about anything, fairly undisciplined individual. I cannot be an effective waitress as such, especially at the restaurant I work at. There is room for mistake, but not a whole night of them. There is room for enjoyment or happiness, but not more than a marginal amount. There is a big need for discipline, because there are a lot of etiquette and wine rules that MUST be followed at all times because of the high caliber of our clientele.

How do I remain professional and meet all the needs of my customers, yet still make their stay enjoyable by talking or smiling at them? I can't seem to do both. Either I make an effort to get to know my customers or I am their waitress who only cares about getting them the food they need and getting them out.

How do I interact with my co-workers without being influenced by their negative or un-Christian attitudes? Everyone's mood affects me, even my customers. If someone is edgy or tired or upset or angry, it will affect me. I may not adopt their same attitude but it will throw me off and make me hesitant or uncomfortable, which is an absolute sin at my job since everything must run as a well oiled machine. We are too busy for pauses.

How do I make it perfectly aware that I am a Christian and I try to live exactly as I should without coming across as a naive virgin Mary who clings to her religion as a crutch? I want to minister to the girls (and guy) I work with and I want them to see that I am someone who truly cares about people...but it is hard in the environment I work in. There is a lot of anti-Christian attitudes and while no one openly attacks or challenges me, there are a lot of jokes made about Christianity or about me that shows me that no one takes me seriously. And everytime I do something wrong, I feel like they think in their heads "Just like a Christian", like they are keeping a tally mark against me or against Christianity.

So many confused feelings. I am excited to go to work in the morning, because God boots my system up. I am happy as I set up the restaurant. But as the day progresses, it seems everything gets to me and I slowly go down hill. I have to battle the negative thoughts (and pop my rubberband a lot) and some times, like last night, I have to fight the tears. I try my hardest not to get emotional when someone gets mad or upset with me (which seems to be a daily occurence of late) so that I can listen to what they say and work to fix it and continue to help my tables...because there is no time for pausing.

There are bright points. Like Alan and Allred asking if I'm ok while I'm trying to pull myself together and helping me with my tables. Like Emily going to lunch with me on our break and sharing our discomforts with work. Like Stephanie always making it a point to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Like Callie knowing that I like to munch at work and sharing any food that she acquires with me.

I really do love my job. Not only do I make ridiculously good money, I am "rubbing shoulders" with the most famous, influential, important, and rich people in Dallas. (Can you say Cowboys players or the owner of the Rangers? Not to mention CEO's of all the big companies and owners of hotels). I have a boss, who although he is rough around the edges and hurts my feelings more than encourages them, truly does care for me and looks out for me. I believe I really am good or at least passable at my job, if I could just get over this hump I seem to be in.

Lord, You are faithful. I know that as I remain obedient to You, You will bless me. Whatever needs to happen to change my circumstances, I know You will provide. Search my heart O God and if there is anything unclean or wrong, bring it to my attention that I may cast it out. You are worthy of all praise, yesterday, today, and always.