Yesterday was a really rough day for me. Well, more specifically last night was a really rough night for me. A girl who was supposed to work was sick and was trying to find someone to work for her, even offering to pay $50 to whoever could. When she couldn't convince anyone to work for her, she called our manager to ask for help. He in turn called everyone again, only to get the same results. So then he called me (this being the 3rd time someone has asked me about it) and asked again, but in a way that I can't say no anymore. If you have a manager (which I'm sure most people do), you know exactly what I mean. Managers know how to manipulate.
As he's talking to me on the phone, I started crying. Last night was my first night off in 5 days. I had been looking forward to it all week. I had been counting down the hours as I worked the lunch shift. I had it all planned out for days in advance.
He tried to console me. He said he'd make it up to me. He'd try and give me a night off this week. He'd give me an extra night off next week. He reminded me that I had tomorrow off, the whole day, and I could do whatever I had planned to do then. He said my family would understand. He said he didn't want me to be upset. That he didn't want me to work if I was going to pissed off. He said he'd let me leave early.
He finally let me hang up the phone. I quickly clocked out and left, with tears streaming down my face, and as soon as I got in my car I started bawling. Wailing is probably more accurate.
Crying because I wouldn't be able to go to church with my family that night. Crying because I wouldn't get to see my friend Lacey who just got engaged. Crying because I couldn't go home and change into jeans. Crying because I only got a 2 hour break. Crying because I didn't have anything with me to fill up the time. Crying because nothing was going as planned. Crying because I would have to work with Paige that night. Crying because I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to work yet another double. Crying because I was already so exhausted from working and had really been depending on my day and a half break. Crying because I felt manipulated. Crying because I had already been hurt so much by my manager this week. Crying because I had left my bible at home.
It was just the last thing I could take, and I lost it. I cried most of my break, some to my coworker Emily who was also on break, some to my mom, and most by myself. I hadn't finished by the time my break was over, so I came in with red-rimmed eyes and a slight sniffle.
To Paige's credit, she did go easy on me, as I found out my manager had requested. Emily was wonderful, asking if I was ok and sharing in my "sadness". Wolf made me laugh. I even had the owner of the restaurant sit in my section and didn't mess up once. I remembered their whole complicated order and got it all out in the right order and nothing went wrong. And I did get to leave early.
Now, the morning after, I'm not as mad for having to work last night. I made it. I survived. I will get over $100 extra in this week's pay check. Emily suggested I use the money I made and use it to pamper myself, to make me feel better. I thought about it...but God has asked me to buckle down and discipline myself. He's already told me to spend less on groceries every week, that I'm buying a lot of things I don't actually need and I can feed myself with a lot less money. I don't feel its right to use that money to pamper myself, not when I still owe so much money. Not when God's called me to obedience this year.
While I survived, and I guess it really wasn't that big of a deal to work, I am still emotionally drained. Even after sleeping last night, I don't feel rested. I have so many things to get done today that I won't have time to. I have to reschedule taking my car to the shop for next week because with so much to do, I had to cancel something and that was the only one I could reschedule.
These are especially the times when I want someone to be there to comfort me. When I wish I had a husband who could hold me while I cried. I am slightly jealous of Emily in that regard since she does have a 2 year old and a husband to go home to at night. It must be a huge comfort to her to come home from a hard day at work and be able to cuddle with her son and kiss her husband.
But that desire, that used to be such a huge part of my life, is slowly dwindling. It's still there, but now my first inclination is that I want to be alone with my bible and just be with God. I find that coming home and watching Transporter 1 on the couch with my dad is just as therapeutic as coming home to a husband would be. Slowly, that desire is being shifted from a husband to my family and to God. Which is how it's supposed to be.
This is all pretty basic stuff. But it is such a revelation to me. And it is so freeing to not be tied to that "need" anymore. The loneliness alone could have killed me. I even find that I'm not analyzing potential prospects constantly like I used to.
God is changing my heart.
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