Getting Pulled In Deeper

Ever since my baptism in the Holy Spirit in September, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Himself. My relationship with Him has become more and more intimate. It seems like a snowball that keeps rolling and rolling into an avalanche! In the past couple of weeks, after God called me to recognize Him as my husband, it has just consumed me. I'm called to go deeper and deeper and deeper. I realize that I am miles ahead of where I was yesterday and yet my soul still cries out for more.

"My soul faints for the courts of the Lord. My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."
- Psalms 84:2

I got this tattooed on my back over a year ago, in a semi-attempt to make it true to my heart. My soul didn't really faint for the courts of the Lord back then but I guess in the farthest part of my brain I hoped that by putting it permanently on my back, in the original Hebrew no less, that it would force my heart into submission. Little did I know, God would make it true for me so soon!

Every morning God wakes me up. Every morning we spend the first hour or so together. Every morning He ministers to my soul, He speaks directly to my heart, He hears my struggles and desires and answers my questions. It is amazing to me how much I am gleaning from the devotions and scriptures I read, how alive it all seems and how directly it speaks to me and how it pushes me on to search for more.

It's also really cool that what God has been teaching me and pulling me towards personally, in our own time together, He has also been teaching others. My conversations with other believers has amazed me at how parallel we all are in our walks with God. This past Sunday and Wednesday, I was floored by the messages my pastor Paul Mints gave, because they were completely in line with where I was spiritually, with what God had been ministering and teaching me in the past week or so! It makes me really excited because I know God is about to do something huge. He's aligning all the believers, getting us all on the same page so we are unified and ready as a group for whatever He throws out. GET READY DFW, GOD IS ABOUT TO ROCK YOUR WORLD!

This morning has been an AMAZING morning.

I've been struggling a little more with the loneliness factor of late. The other day I wanted so badly when I got off of work to have someone waiting for me on the couch that would hold me while I talked about my day. Very simple, something that would have lasted maybe 15 minutes...but my entire being desperately wanted it, thought I needed it. I dunno, maybe I did need it. But instead of pursuing that option with any number of guys that I could have called up, I instead asked my dad if he would wait up for me. Which he did and I found that my "desire" was satisfied after I got home.

Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion...The Christian who is truly intimate with Christ will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth.
- Oswald Chambers

My two struggles, wanting attention and wanting companionship. Although I don't like to admit it, I desire to be in the spotlight, to be recognized for my accomplishments. I also never want to be alone, I want that companion that never leaves. 2 signs of emotional instability. Hence why I don't like to admit it. But when I am truly intimate with Christ, I find that everything is satisfied. My goal now is to discipline myself to where I trust in Him in all areas of my life, at all times. That's my only problem at the moment, to make it consistent.

My Prince, My Jesus,
How could I refuse a walk with the Saviour of the world? My heart breaks as I reflect on all the days I have missed out on walking closely with You. I imagine You waiting for me each morning, and how it must break Your heart when I forget You are here. Please forgive me for not inviting You to share all my days with me. Today I want to invite You into my day and all my tomorrows. May I never forget to hold Your hand as we stroll through this life together. I love You, Lord.
Love,
Your Bride, who invites You now

" I love Your sanctuary Lord, the place where Your glorious presence dwells."
- Psalm 26:8

I have also been battling my laziness and desire to sleep ALL THE TIME. I'm starting to realize that this may be my biggest weakness and Satan's biggest hold over me. Last night as I was driving home I was excited for the studying and things that God was asking me to pray over before I went to bed. But as soon as I got home, this wave of tiredness hit me and instead of trying to combat it at all, I just succumbed and went to bed without even changing clothes. And then, on top of that, I slept 3 or 4 hours later than I should have. Now I understand that exhaustion will lead to lots of sleep, I understand that it is not a "sin" to sleep. I'm not trying to find things wrong with me. I am just very aware that instead of trusting Christ to provide me with adequate sleep and with the energy to do the tasks He sets before me, I instead indulge my flesh and sleep as much as possible. Which God has been trying to lead me out of. Because when I indulge my flesh, I don't have time for God. I wake up and have to run to work quickly, without that hour or so of intimacy with my Lord. Reading this excerpt today, my soul cried for those times I have ignored Him. I never want to oversleep again.

"But I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, immorality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
- Galatians 5:16-24

YUH!