Your way...or God's way?

Are you determined to have your own way in living for God?
- Oswald Chambers

I can't follow God's will my way. It has to be His way. I can't obey how I want to, I have to obey how He wants me to.

By doing things my way, I'm giving God the finger. I'm doing what He asks me to do, but doing it my way. I'm disobeying while I'm obeying.

I'm persecuting Jesus. I'm punching Him in the gut. I'm smearing mud on His face. And it absolutely breaks my heart now that I realize I'm doing it.

There is no escape when our Lord speaks.
- Oswald Chambers

I hear you Lord. I'm sorry for ignoring You this week. Break me of my stubborn will. I choose to obey completely and totally. I give up all my plans and ideas on how to obey You and instead ask that You direct me in my obedience. I want to love You more than life. I want You near me again.

The Woman I Want to Be

There's this growing picture in my head of the woman I want to be. It's not an unrealistic goal, in fact I think it's a very biblical goal and feel that its who God wants me to be as well. It saddens me that I'm not that woman yet. I wish I was. But I think God is working to grow me to that woman. In so many ways, I'm still a girl. There's a lot of steps to take.

The woman I imagine in my head has a quiet strength. She is not loud and obnoxious about her opinions, but you know that she doesn't stray a centimeter from her beliefs. She radiates joy and love all the time and you can always tell when she has come from time directly with her Maker. She loves freely, taking anyone in who needs it. She gives sacrificially, without a second thought, not worrying about her own needs at all. She enjoys people and social gatherings, but treasures her study and prayer times. I imagine her with a home that is full of rooms, everything having a meaning. Every candle, every picture, every piece of furniture is a reminder of Who rules the world or of how He has provided for her. Everything about the home draws people in and it is almost never empty. There are children of all ages, from all kinds of backrounds. There are homeless, there are runaways, there are people seeking refuge, and there are professionals coming to seek companionship and training. It's the true sense of community, with this woman at the core of it. Not demanding respect, not pushing leadership, but naturally the behind the scenes leader. Someone that everyone feels comfortable talking to. Someone that everyone comes to with questions, for advice, or a funny story. A real mother to whoever needs one, a real friend to whoever wants one.

This is my heart desire. Past everything else I may want, this rings louder than anything else. I want to be that woman. And so it pains me any time I allow myself to slip into someone else, someone dictated by the people around me. When I slip into gossiping, or allow myself to cuss for effect, or focus on earthly goals I can feel something in me dying.

"Therefore, since there are so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside the weight and sin which clings so closely and run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
- Hebrews 12:1-2

It's weird when every morning isn't a revelation. It's weird when I'm not excited to wake up, when I struggle to keep my mind on my time with God. Well, it didn't use to be weird. It used to be the norm. But now that I've experienced such a full and rich time with God, it seems completely out of place.

But I know that there are dry spells in any relationship. There are times with friends when we go a month or two without talking, just because we had run out of things to talk about. We had seen each other too much and then after a month of living our own lives, we can come back to the friendship fresh. Not that I think this is what should happen in my walk with Christ. I don't think taking a break would make things better in the future. I am simply recognizing that the dry spell I feel in my spiritual relationship is congruent with my relationships with everyone else.

It's a chore to obey. It's a chore to read through my devotionals, to pray about things I know I should, to memorize the verses I have committed to memorizing. I don't seem to glean as much from things as I used to. It seemed like every sentence I read, God as speaking directly to me. I don't feel His presence anymore. I used to feel the Holy Sprit around me almost constantly. That feeling is gone now.

I know that He hasn't left me. I know that He never will. I know that He is still leading me and guiding me. I just have to work harder to be with Him, I have to seek Him more. It's hard because not only do I feel distance from Him, I feel apathy in my own heart. Or maybe contentment is the better, nicer way to say it. I'm fine where I'm at, doing what I'm doing, going on with my life. Why should I push for something I don't feel right now?

A friend on facebook put this on his status

When I read the lives of most of the great saints they didn’t necessarily feel very close to God. When I read the Psalms I get the feeling like David and the other Psalmists felt quite far away from God for most of the time. Closeness to God is not about feelings, closeness to God is about obedience

And so there is my answer. Feeling close to God has nothing to do with anything. It's like an added benefit, a nice consequence of following Him. But it is not the decider of our faith. Obey, even when you don't feel like it.

Prophetic dream?

I never dream. Or rather, I should say I never REMEMBER my dreams since it is a scientific fact that everyone dreams. When I wake up, occasionally I'll feel as if I should remember the dream or I'll remember a certain person that was in it or things along those lines. All wisps that disappear as soon as I think of them. I remember my dream from last night.

I'm at Coal Vine's, except that the building is different than the real one. Looks more like a coffee shop than a restaurant. Anyway, I'm working and I see outside a car speed up quickly and park nanometers from the back of my car, squealing the brakes. I see a guy get out and hurry towards the front door. I turn around and start walking away because I don't want to deal with whoever he is and tell the others I work with "Here comes a douchebag" (I know, I have such a lovely vocabulary). Anyway he walks in and I'm off to his right. He immediately walks to the cash register, pulls out a small gun, and demands for all our money. He's pointing the gun at the poor girl who happened to be standing next to the register. At this point I am positioned directly behind him. I feel frozen with my eyes wide open. My boss Jeff comes in from the back and we connect eyes. All I can do is give him the most shocked expression I have. He starts talking to the man with the gun in a calm voice, assuring him that we are getting him the money and motioning the girl to do whatever he says. Jeff's goal is to give him whatever he wants so he won't hurt anyone.

The man is young, of small stature, and Indian. He is acting very frantic and nervous the whole time, eyes wide, sweat running down his face, his eyes flicking every few seconds. As Jeff is talking to him and the girl is getting the money, I jumped at him and wrapped him in my arms. There is a brief struggle which lands me face to face with him, my arms still wrapped tightly around him. He's now only inches away from my face, with his gun pushing firmly against the back of my skull. Through this Jeff is exclaiming in the backround, saying things like "No Sarah" and "I had it taken care of" and the like. Because he was worried about his employees lives. But I was worried about this man's life.

His face is shaking and his eyes are even wider. I had taken him by surprise and although he knew that he should shoot me, he wasn't sure if he should. He was still working it out in his brain. He didn't expect anyone to come at him. That's when I started talking. I said "If you shoot me, I'm going to heaven. I will be eternally happy, I will never hurt again, I will never fear, I will be safe and content with my Lord and Saviour and everyone I love. I will be in paradise." At that point, he gasped and sobbed out "Paradise". I took that and ran with it "Yes, paradise. You know what paradise is. You want it. You desire it. You don't have to die to live in paradise! You can have it right now! God loves you more than anyone else. He wants you to be happy, He wants you to live in His paradise!" I just kept talking and as I was talking tears are running down his face and finally he's sobbing. I'm no longer wrapped tightly around him, I'm holding him up.

I don't remember anymore of the dream, other than I remember telling him I wouldn't leave him and I'd be with him to help him and that I wanted to be with him in the police car, visit him in jail, and help him through his trial.

Whoa. What a dream.

I'm not evangelistic by nature. I love people. I care for them. I want to love on them, cry for them, etc. But I don't really lean towards evangelizing to them. So this dream is very different for me.

Oswald Chambers talks about pouring ourselves out for Christ's satisfaction, that as Christians its not about serving God or about what we do for God but about pouring ourselves out to Him. I think this is hard for me to do completely.

Because I have 2 little fears in the back of my brain. 1. What if God asks me to do something and I misinterpret and piss someone off? Or fulfill their expectation of what a Christian is supposed to be like? For example, someone has a vision of Christians as pushy people and then I challenge them about living a life that is destructive...and now I've fulfilled their beliefs. Then I thought that maybe it's the person's own beliefs and issues that determine how I come across, not what God is asking me to do. 2. What if God asks me to do something that is life threatening? What if I die? I'm scared to die. Because if I die, all my hopes and dreams and plans can't happen.

I won't get married. I won't have kids. I won't finish school. I won't do mission work in other countries. I won't grow closer with my parents and siblings. I won't see my sisters and brother get married. I won't be an aunt or a grandma. I won't pay off all my debt.

So I started thinking about all my plans and dreams. I realized that I had to release those to God, every day. They can't ever be mine because I might decide NOT to obey Christ just so I don't lose my hopes and dreams. Things like getting married and having kids, those won't happen today. So I shouldn't think about them. I can grow close to my family today though. I can pay off some of my debt today. I can love people today. Those are hopes and dreams I can focus on. That is truly living as if today is my last day.

And then I started to think about it. Christ is my husband. I am already married. My children are whoever He asks me to love. My children are the people He will bring to Himself through me.

And suddenly I realized that its not about me giving up my hopes and dreams...it's realizing that He already fulfilled them.

Wake Up!

This morning I read Mark 6. I'm reading my way through the gospels, going chapter by chapter to really gleen as much as I can, without having the time to actually sit down and do word study's, comparisons between translations, and translating from the original Greek.

Anyway, as I was readying Mark I started thinking about how extravagant and out of place and just plain WEIRD were all the miracles and such taking place. Thousands of people followed Jesus around, from city to city, and all throughout the countryside. He would enter a city and the entire thing would have to shut down because no one was going to work, everyone was gathering in the city square and bringing their sick and laying them on the ground. The image I get is of a makeshift Red Cross center after a huge disaster. With cots and sleeping mats littering the streets, but then it was filled with people who just came to hear Jesus so there were people filling up every gap where there wasn't a sick person laying down. I can just see Jesus walking down the rows of cots, winding his way through the people to each one so that he can have a few moments with them. Because you know he didn't just walk from person to person, touching them to heal them, and then moving on. He stopped and talked to each one.

Life stopped when Jesus entered a city. For some, the fact that he was within 100 miles meant that life stopped. People that depended on their own labor to make food and to survive dropped everything so they could hear him speak, so they could touch him for themselves, so they could be changed. Because what Jesus was doing in people's lives, whether physical or spiritual, was too gigantic to ignore. It was too real to believe was fake. It was too present to disbelieve.

Jesus sent his disciples out, with the same power he had to heal and to cast out demons. And they journeyed out, proclaiming salvation and healing and casting out demons. Now these disciples did not have the same effect that Jesus did. No one ever could. But their actions were the same. It was a time for God to become real. The people had lived for 400 years, living their natural lives without the supernatural being visible. And now that Jesus had come back, it was inevitable that the supernatural would suddenly be everywhere one turned. Whether it was Jesus, or one of his disciples, God was working. The Holy Spirit was present.

This time of bringing the supernatural to bear on the natural did not end when Jesus went back to heaven. In fact, that's when it REALLY started to get crazy. Jesus even told his disciples that they would be able to do greater things than he had done while he was on earth. Jesus had a singular purpose and had to follow the path that took him on to complete it. But the disciples would not have that same purpose. Their only goal was to "go into all the world" preaching and healing and witnessing as they went.

When Jesus left, he imparted the Holy Spirit to his disciples and the followers that would join the ranks, so to speak. The Holy Spirit is prevalent throughout the bible. But after Jesus left, the Holy Spirit began to inhabit believers, instead of being a force outside of themselves that would appear now and then. Read Acts. Crazy stuff happened in the first years of the church. Paul experienced crazy things. Paul did crazy things. It's awesome.

So here's my question. Why are we Christians so convinced that there is no more supernatural work? Why are we so certain that God does not utilize the powers and avenues that He set up before He even created us anymore? Why do we think that God only works through measurable, believable, safe ways?

Why can't God heal? Why can't God cast out demons? Why can't people be demon-possessed? Why not?

It's like we live our lives, believing that the grind is all there is. That our measly little lives are all that are real and everything else is just crazy talk. Those that believe in such things are just deceived, poor little souls. We're walking down the path of life with our eyes firmly down to the ground, only seeing the dirt underneath us. Others that have looked up start proclaiming about the beautiful scenery and we say "I don't see any scenery. This dirt underneath us is all that is real." Others start picking flowers and fruits and try to show us physical evidence and we say "That is the product of this dust underneath us. You just formed it and colored it. There haven't been any flowers or fruit for thousands of years." And the others are getting exasperated because of COURSE there have been flowers and fruits the past thousand years. We just have kept our noses to the ground and refused to see it.

Wake up people! The supernatural is real and present and active in your life, whether you open your eyes or not! The Holy Spirit is moving, people are being healed, miracles are happening! God is taking a stand and making it impossible to deny Him. Demons are real and they are all around you. They are at your work, they are at your home, and for some of you, they are in your heart and your mind. Stop being so consumed in your daily life that you scorn the special things that are happening to others.

The first church spoke in tongues, why aren't we? The first church healed people, why aren't we? The first church operated in the spiritual gifts, why aren't we? The first church lived in community with each other, why aren't we? The first church sold everything they had and counted on God to provide for them, why can't we? Where is the radical-ness that the first church had? They understood the need! They believed that Christ was coming back in their lifetime and they had to be ready...guess what! Christ is coming back in our lifetime! People get ready, Jesus is coming, soon we are going home!

The fields are white with harvest and we're too busy with our political platforms, with our work, with our marriages, with our families, with our schooling, with WHATEVER! Drop what you are doing and run out to reap the harvest! Because it's what God has called you to! and the rains are coming soon! Whatever is not harvested by that time will perish and be lost forever.

Get ready. Wake up. Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Get off your butt. Let's get out there.

Tough Cookies

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. Well, more specifically last night was a really rough night for me. A girl who was supposed to work was sick and was trying to find someone to work for her, even offering to pay $50 to whoever could. When she couldn't convince anyone to work for her, she called our manager to ask for help. He in turn called everyone again, only to get the same results. So then he called me (this being the 3rd time someone has asked me about it) and asked again, but in a way that I can't say no anymore. If you have a manager (which I'm sure most people do), you know exactly what I mean. Managers know how to manipulate.

As he's talking to me on the phone, I started crying. Last night was my first night off in 5 days. I had been looking forward to it all week. I had been counting down the hours as I worked the lunch shift. I had it all planned out for days in advance.

He tried to console me. He said he'd make it up to me. He'd try and give me a night off this week. He'd give me an extra night off next week. He reminded me that I had tomorrow off, the whole day, and I could do whatever I had planned to do then. He said my family would understand. He said he didn't want me to be upset. That he didn't want me to work if I was going to pissed off. He said he'd let me leave early.

He finally let me hang up the phone. I quickly clocked out and left, with tears streaming down my face, and as soon as I got in my car I started bawling. Wailing is probably more accurate.

Crying because I wouldn't be able to go to church with my family that night. Crying because I wouldn't get to see my friend Lacey who just got engaged. Crying because I couldn't go home and change into jeans. Crying because I only got a 2 hour break. Crying because I didn't have anything with me to fill up the time. Crying because nothing was going as planned. Crying because I would have to work with Paige that night. Crying because I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to work yet another double. Crying because I was already so exhausted from working and had really been depending on my day and a half break. Crying because I felt manipulated. Crying because I had already been hurt so much by my manager this week. Crying because I had left my bible at home.

It was just the last thing I could take, and I lost it. I cried most of my break, some to my coworker Emily who was also on break, some to my mom, and most by myself. I hadn't finished by the time my break was over, so I came in with red-rimmed eyes and a slight sniffle.

To Paige's credit, she did go easy on me, as I found out my manager had requested. Emily was wonderful, asking if I was ok and sharing in my "sadness". Wolf made me laugh. I even had the owner of the restaurant sit in my section and didn't mess up once. I remembered their whole complicated order and got it all out in the right order and nothing went wrong. And I did get to leave early.

Now, the morning after, I'm not as mad for having to work last night. I made it. I survived. I will get over $100 extra in this week's pay check. Emily suggested I use the money I made and use it to pamper myself, to make me feel better. I thought about it...but God has asked me to buckle down and discipline myself. He's already told me to spend less on groceries every week, that I'm buying a lot of things I don't actually need and I can feed myself with a lot less money. I don't feel its right to use that money to pamper myself, not when I still owe so much money. Not when God's called me to obedience this year.

While I survived, and I guess it really wasn't that big of a deal to work, I am still emotionally drained. Even after sleeping last night, I don't feel rested. I have so many things to get done today that I won't have time to. I have to reschedule taking my car to the shop for next week because with so much to do, I had to cancel something and that was the only one I could reschedule.

These are especially the times when I want someone to be there to comfort me. When I wish I had a husband who could hold me while I cried. I am slightly jealous of Emily in that regard since she does have a 2 year old and a husband to go home to at night. It must be a huge comfort to her to come home from a hard day at work and be able to cuddle with her son and kiss her husband.

But that desire, that used to be such a huge part of my life, is slowly dwindling. It's still there, but now my first inclination is that I want to be alone with my bible and just be with God. I find that coming home and watching Transporter 1 on the couch with my dad is just as therapeutic as coming home to a husband would be. Slowly, that desire is being shifted from a husband to my family and to God. Which is how it's supposed to be.

This is all pretty basic stuff. But it is such a revelation to me. And it is so freeing to not be tied to that "need" anymore. The loneliness alone could have killed me. I even find that I'm not analyzing potential prospects constantly like I used to.

God is changing my heart.

Coal Vine's

It seems I am always in that transition phase, where I have become fully aware of an issue or problem or question that applies to my life, my brain, or my body but have not yet come into a solution. That spot where you can almost go crazy because you cannot move forward, or backward for that matter, and must instead just sit in one spot.

I wrote this little excerpt in October in 2008 and it really sums up everything I feel at this point. Except add more crying.

"And so I find myself here once again, all I know is the little plot of land I’m standing on and what I think is out there. I have no idea if there is land to the left, right, front or back of me, if I’m supposed to step out, jump out, swim out, or wait for someone to pick me up. How long will this land I’m standing on be here? It could start to give way at any second or just disappear or I could spend the rest of my life on it. I can’t see but its not because my eyes don’t work. I’m surrounded by a thick darkness that I can as much feel as not see. It’s hot and stuffy and makes thinking clearly hard. I feel my heartbeat rising and a panicky feeling grip my knees. I think I’m healthy and ready for whatever comes next but I don’t really know. I can’t remember anything other than the spot I’m in, I can’t move because the darkness has me cocooned and the only sense that I know for sure is working is that of feel, because I feel the ground I’m standing on and I feel the darkness around me. Take your shoes off for you are on holy ground."

This was the only way I could express the spot in life I found myself in and my frustration at not being able to move forward or backward. The last line is my acknowledgement that I am on holy ground, more specifically that God has me right where I am supposed to be and I am protected. The land underneath me will not fade away, the darkness will lift at some point, and I will be able to move forward again.

I find that I am struggling with work the most. (Btw, I just realized that I use the phrase "I find that" a lot...I think that I think it makes me sound smarter). I'm not sure who to be at work. Which is supposed to be a simple answer, be yourself. Well, no I can't be myself at work. I am a carefree, love everyone, don't worry about anything, fairly undisciplined individual. I cannot be an effective waitress as such, especially at the restaurant I work at. There is room for mistake, but not a whole night of them. There is room for enjoyment or happiness, but not more than a marginal amount. There is a big need for discipline, because there are a lot of etiquette and wine rules that MUST be followed at all times because of the high caliber of our clientele.

How do I remain professional and meet all the needs of my customers, yet still make their stay enjoyable by talking or smiling at them? I can't seem to do both. Either I make an effort to get to know my customers or I am their waitress who only cares about getting them the food they need and getting them out.

How do I interact with my co-workers without being influenced by their negative or un-Christian attitudes? Everyone's mood affects me, even my customers. If someone is edgy or tired or upset or angry, it will affect me. I may not adopt their same attitude but it will throw me off and make me hesitant or uncomfortable, which is an absolute sin at my job since everything must run as a well oiled machine. We are too busy for pauses.

How do I make it perfectly aware that I am a Christian and I try to live exactly as I should without coming across as a naive virgin Mary who clings to her religion as a crutch? I want to minister to the girls (and guy) I work with and I want them to see that I am someone who truly cares about people...but it is hard in the environment I work in. There is a lot of anti-Christian attitudes and while no one openly attacks or challenges me, there are a lot of jokes made about Christianity or about me that shows me that no one takes me seriously. And everytime I do something wrong, I feel like they think in their heads "Just like a Christian", like they are keeping a tally mark against me or against Christianity.

So many confused feelings. I am excited to go to work in the morning, because God boots my system up. I am happy as I set up the restaurant. But as the day progresses, it seems everything gets to me and I slowly go down hill. I have to battle the negative thoughts (and pop my rubberband a lot) and some times, like last night, I have to fight the tears. I try my hardest not to get emotional when someone gets mad or upset with me (which seems to be a daily occurence of late) so that I can listen to what they say and work to fix it and continue to help my tables...because there is no time for pausing.

There are bright points. Like Alan and Allred asking if I'm ok while I'm trying to pull myself together and helping me with my tables. Like Emily going to lunch with me on our break and sharing our discomforts with work. Like Stephanie always making it a point to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Like Callie knowing that I like to munch at work and sharing any food that she acquires with me.

I really do love my job. Not only do I make ridiculously good money, I am "rubbing shoulders" with the most famous, influential, important, and rich people in Dallas. (Can you say Cowboys players or the owner of the Rangers? Not to mention CEO's of all the big companies and owners of hotels). I have a boss, who although he is rough around the edges and hurts my feelings more than encourages them, truly does care for me and looks out for me. I believe I really am good or at least passable at my job, if I could just get over this hump I seem to be in.

Lord, You are faithful. I know that as I remain obedient to You, You will bless me. Whatever needs to happen to change my circumstances, I know You will provide. Search my heart O God and if there is anything unclean or wrong, bring it to my attention that I may cast it out. You are worthy of all praise, yesterday, today, and always.

Antichrist

5 days since I last blogged.

Always a bad sign.

Not blogging means the lessons God is teaching to me aren't sticking.

It means I'm not really listening.

It means I'm struggling past attitudes and thoughts and emotions that I can't seem to combat.

It means I'm drained physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It means I'm fading.

I didn't even miss any quiet times this week. Every morning I woke up and had an hour or so with God. But my heart wasn't in it. I wasn't focused. Because I wasn't obeying in small areas and disciplining myself, and so the result was a moderate desire to be with God instead of a raging passion like it should be.

Today I read Mark 3. I'm slowly reading through the Gospels, now that I have that relationship with Christ where He speaks to me through the Word. Before, it was just stories and sentences and words. Now, it's revelation after revelation after revelation. Re-reading these passages, I'm noticing all sorts of things I never noticed before.

"How can Satan cast out Satan? If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand."
- Mark 3:23b-24

God is Lord of all. He created EVERY SINGLE THING, including Satan and his minions. They all have to operate inside of the laws He has created. One of those laws is that there cannot be unity where there is fighting. My body cannot stay together if it is fighting itself, it will break down. A church cannot stand together if it's members are fighting each other. A kingdom cannot remain in the midst of a civil war. And so it is that Satan cannot cast out his demons from people. Because it would be like cutting his own arm off.

I think so often we think that Satan is the arch-nemesis of God. Rather, he is the way-ward, rebellious child who stirs up as much mischief as possible, who works actively against his Father, and whose only desire is to hurt Him as much as possible. He is not equal with God. He cannot even be in the same room as Him without being in pain, because God is so good and he is so evil. It's just like us, how as sinners we cannot stand God because He is so holy. It is Jesus' covering that allows us our communion and close relationship with Him. Satan does not have that option. Neither does he want it.

Another thing that was pointed out to me, so I don't take credit for figuring this out by myself. It says in the bible that no one knows the hour or the day when Jesus will come back, not even Jesus himself. So we know that Satan sure as hell has no idea when Jesus is coming back. We also know that Satan cannot see the future. Satan is supernatural, but extremely limited. So here's a brain nugget for you to chew on. Since Satan does not know that day or hour that Jesus will come back, he has had to have an antichrist ready at all times to jump into his role as destroyer of the world as soon as Jesus appears.

So there have been hundreds of antichrists. In fact, someone on earth, right now, is an antichrist. And when Jesus comes back, he will be THE antichrist.

Whoa.

Stick that in your juicebox and suck it.

Getting Pulled In Deeper

Ever since my baptism in the Holy Spirit in September, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Himself. My relationship with Him has become more and more intimate. It seems like a snowball that keeps rolling and rolling into an avalanche! In the past couple of weeks, after God called me to recognize Him as my husband, it has just consumed me. I'm called to go deeper and deeper and deeper. I realize that I am miles ahead of where I was yesterday and yet my soul still cries out for more.

"My soul faints for the courts of the Lord. My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."
- Psalms 84:2

I got this tattooed on my back over a year ago, in a semi-attempt to make it true to my heart. My soul didn't really faint for the courts of the Lord back then but I guess in the farthest part of my brain I hoped that by putting it permanently on my back, in the original Hebrew no less, that it would force my heart into submission. Little did I know, God would make it true for me so soon!

Every morning God wakes me up. Every morning we spend the first hour or so together. Every morning He ministers to my soul, He speaks directly to my heart, He hears my struggles and desires and answers my questions. It is amazing to me how much I am gleaning from the devotions and scriptures I read, how alive it all seems and how directly it speaks to me and how it pushes me on to search for more.

It's also really cool that what God has been teaching me and pulling me towards personally, in our own time together, He has also been teaching others. My conversations with other believers has amazed me at how parallel we all are in our walks with God. This past Sunday and Wednesday, I was floored by the messages my pastor Paul Mints gave, because they were completely in line with where I was spiritually, with what God had been ministering and teaching me in the past week or so! It makes me really excited because I know God is about to do something huge. He's aligning all the believers, getting us all on the same page so we are unified and ready as a group for whatever He throws out. GET READY DFW, GOD IS ABOUT TO ROCK YOUR WORLD!

This morning has been an AMAZING morning.

I've been struggling a little more with the loneliness factor of late. The other day I wanted so badly when I got off of work to have someone waiting for me on the couch that would hold me while I talked about my day. Very simple, something that would have lasted maybe 15 minutes...but my entire being desperately wanted it, thought I needed it. I dunno, maybe I did need it. But instead of pursuing that option with any number of guys that I could have called up, I instead asked my dad if he would wait up for me. Which he did and I found that my "desire" was satisfied after I got home.

Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion...The Christian who is truly intimate with Christ will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth.
- Oswald Chambers

My two struggles, wanting attention and wanting companionship. Although I don't like to admit it, I desire to be in the spotlight, to be recognized for my accomplishments. I also never want to be alone, I want that companion that never leaves. 2 signs of emotional instability. Hence why I don't like to admit it. But when I am truly intimate with Christ, I find that everything is satisfied. My goal now is to discipline myself to where I trust in Him in all areas of my life, at all times. That's my only problem at the moment, to make it consistent.

My Prince, My Jesus,
How could I refuse a walk with the Saviour of the world? My heart breaks as I reflect on all the days I have missed out on walking closely with You. I imagine You waiting for me each morning, and how it must break Your heart when I forget You are here. Please forgive me for not inviting You to share all my days with me. Today I want to invite You into my day and all my tomorrows. May I never forget to hold Your hand as we stroll through this life together. I love You, Lord.
Love,
Your Bride, who invites You now

" I love Your sanctuary Lord, the place where Your glorious presence dwells."
- Psalm 26:8

I have also been battling my laziness and desire to sleep ALL THE TIME. I'm starting to realize that this may be my biggest weakness and Satan's biggest hold over me. Last night as I was driving home I was excited for the studying and things that God was asking me to pray over before I went to bed. But as soon as I got home, this wave of tiredness hit me and instead of trying to combat it at all, I just succumbed and went to bed without even changing clothes. And then, on top of that, I slept 3 or 4 hours later than I should have. Now I understand that exhaustion will lead to lots of sleep, I understand that it is not a "sin" to sleep. I'm not trying to find things wrong with me. I am just very aware that instead of trusting Christ to provide me with adequate sleep and with the energy to do the tasks He sets before me, I instead indulge my flesh and sleep as much as possible. Which God has been trying to lead me out of. Because when I indulge my flesh, I don't have time for God. I wake up and have to run to work quickly, without that hour or so of intimacy with my Lord. Reading this excerpt today, my soul cried for those times I have ignored Him. I never want to oversleep again.

"But I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, immorality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
- Galatians 5:16-24

YUH!

Worship - Getting Naked

Worship is my absolute favorite part of being a Christian. I love music. I love lyrics. I love the intimacy. I love dancing. I love swaying. I love going hoarse. I love the truth and how excited it makes me when I sing it. I love the revelations that come when I worship. I love falling on my face because I know that I am nothing and He is everything. I love that I am never closer to Him than when I worship. I love crying and laughing and screaming. I love His presence. Whether the music is slow and meaningful or fast and passionate, I absolutely love it.

For so long worship meant music to me. At the beginning of my life, it meant the music we sing right before the sermon at church. That was before God's love became real to me. When I first started that relationship with God, I found that I could worship to music, and wanted to, at all times of the day not just at church. Expansion #1. But recently I'm realizing that worship is so much more than singing. It's so much more than words, so much more than notes, so much more than instruments or voices.

It is leaving your worries behind. It is letting go of everything that haunts you. It is releasing anger, strife, despair, pride, selfishness, greed. It is getting completely naked before God and pointing to the pile of clothes and stuff behind us and saying "This is Yours." But not that, it is also pointing to our naked, helpless, worthless bodies and saying "I am Yours." This can happen in music, and I find that I enjoy it best in music. But it also happens in other areas of our life as well.

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you.
- Oswald Chambers

What has God given you that has radically changed your life? What is the best thing about your marriage, your family, your job, your friends, your possessions? How are you giving that up to God?

How are you worshiping?

Wanting Those Arms Around Me

Why can't we accept what God wants to give us or teach us when it's easy? Why do we make it hard? Why are we so stubborn and obstinate that we wait until we have no other options, until we lose everything to finally submit?

I used to think that we were just stupid and always missed the message until we were completely broken on our faces. But I'm beginning to believe that it is only on our faces that we can understand the message. I think it is the process of being broken that helps us understand the message. It is in that place of desperation and destitution that we fully experience grace, mercy, and love.

All the promises I say, all the resolutions I make are pointless if I think that I can accomplish or fulfill them. I can't eat healthy for a year...I can't even eat healthy for an hour. I can't discipline myself to not stay up late. I can't...but He can. That's what it's all about isn't it? Surrendering everything to Him because we can't do it. Period. Zilch. Nada. No way Jose. He is the Almighty for a reason...and we aren't for a reason.

It's when we come to the end of ourselves, when we have nothing left to give, no other options to pursue that we can finally receive the Holy Spirit and allow Him to work through us. I believe that this is how things are supposed to work, that it's part of the process. We shouldn't look back and think "If I had only figured it out back then, I wouldn't be in this mess". You were SUPPOSED to go through that mess. You were SUPPOSED to get to this point. Because no way no how were you going to figure it out back then...it's impossible. It'd be like wishing you had the physical body of a college football player when you were 5...it's not going to happen. Neither could you wish that you had the knowledge of a college graduate as a freshman in high school. It's just a waste of time, because that's not how things work. Time and Experience are necessary teachers.

In other news, it's getting harder to stay committed to God as my husband. I have to completely change my whole mindset, just as if I had an earthly husband. If I had an earthly husband, I couldn't go out with friends til the wee hours of the morning like I did as a single. It's different having to think of another person before myself. Which just goes to show you how selfish I've been my entire life. I think the hardest things are not thinking of myself first and not pursuing the comforts of another human. Sometimes I just want to be held, to have someone to talk to after I get off work, someone to go grocery shopping with, to call on my breaks. Since I don't have that someone, I'm forced to seek God in those moments. And those moments are precious. I love them. But that small ache is still there and hasn't quite gone away.

Maybe because I don't want it to.

The Satelite Dish

Recently I've been struggling with staying on task, spiritually speaking. Either I am completely lazy and sleep in and so have a wrestling match to deal with the rest of the day or I wake up on time and have a great God time but find that I get lost halfway through the day. I'm not straying far from the mark, or off the beaten path. I'm not out doing things totally out of character or forsaking my faith. But my mindset is wrong. Which is still sin. Because with the wrong mindset, I am in the way of what the Lord is doing and a hindrance to the things of the kingdom.

So I've been praying about it, asking God for guidance, to help me. Because if I get off track, even by a fraction of an inch, I don't want to talk to God anymore. Doesn't that sound horrible? But it's true. I have become very sensitive to when I start to fade off because all of a sudden I won't want to seek God's will on anything and instead will want to make my own decisions.

Yesterday my pastor, Paul Mints, talked about getting off track. He said it's like we're a satelite dish and have to be positioned just right to get the full, perfect signal from God. As soon as we angle to just a little bit the wrong way, we lose that signal. And he said the number 1 reason we angle off is because of a grumbling or complaining attitude.

This rings true to my heart. I know that a complaining spirit is being selfish and so can't be used of God. I also know that it can't hear God's voice or direction either. And I'm sure this is what has hindered me of late. I wasn't aware of it until yesterday, but I have had a complaining spirit. A spirit that felt slighted, felt hurt, felt that everyone was out to get them, and that concessions should be made on my behalf. Basically, I reverted to a 3 year old.

Rejoice always;

^B)">pray without ceasing;

in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

^D)">Do not quench the Spirit;

do not despise ^E)">prophetic ^a]">utterances.

But ^F)">examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good;

abstain from every form of evil.

- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Paul challenged everyone to a 14 day "No Grumble" challenge. Absolutely no verbal or mental complaining, arguing, or grumbling. He used the above passage to show that if we begin our day rejoicing in the Lord, and continue our day as such then we will find it easier to be thankful in everything, to pray continuously, to hold what is good close, and to keep away from evil.

It'll be hard. But I know this is true. Already, in several different points and from several different sources God has taught me to begin my day rejoicing and praising Him, to have a thankful heart. I just didn't pick up on the "no grumbling" part of that and so had to wait to have Him tell me it directly. Laugh out loud.

It's a short blog, I know. I would expound more, since I haven't even touched on my studies the past couple of days. But this morning I prayed with a friend and so didn't find the time to blog before work and as of now I may be late from my break because I've taken the time to write this. We shall try again tomorrow!

And So It Begins...

Here's a revelation for ya...following God is hard.

Here's another one...I'm a lazy son of a gun...minus the son part.

It's day 2 of committing an entire year to God and I find that while I'm starting to recognize God as my husband, while I was obedient and bought a ring as a symbol, while I have done several things to implement His tasks for me, I am still far from the mark. I only halfway work towards becoming the woman God wants me to be, I'm not throwing my whole resolve into it.

Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

I know I'm moving in the right direction...but I'm not taking the direct path. I'm meandering. I'm wandering. I'm wasting time and resources. I'm not fully obeying. I don't think it's willful disobedience...I think it's just laziness. Which I guess is a type of willful disobedience.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that does not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

This is the real deal. I can't just have a revelation and be excited and continue on with my life. This takes real dedication, real resolve, real discipline. Three things I've never had my entire life. I have so much passion, but without proper training I find it dies quickly.

I'm scared too. That's another reason I've been reserved in my journey. What if God asks me to witness to someone? What if I misunderstand His direction and speak to someone who doesn't want to hear? What if I ruin a friendship? What if that person doesn't understand? What if I embarrass myself trying to explain? What if my co-workers scorn me for sharing my faith? What if I become lumped together with all the other "Christians" they ridicule every day? I've never had a clear, direct call to tell a specific someone about Christ. In conversations about church or morals or Christianity, I never know what things to press and what things to leave alone. How do I challenge people to see the truth without coming off abrasive? How do I gain people's respect?

Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely.
- Oswald Chambers

"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed in the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing, and perfect will."
- Romans 12:1-2

All it takes is obedience in the form of surrender. I believe that God develops the rest of it, love, faith, perserverance, discipline, discernment, grace, etc inside of us (or outside of us) in His own time in preparation for what journey He takes us on.