Epiphany

I love epiphanies. They always reveal something huge about myself or life or God or whatever and it's like AHA! The same feeling you get when you are trying really hard to remember someone's name and you finally shout it out loud...only times a bazillion. It's an awesome feeling and I love it when I have one.

But not today.

I was with a friend and she casually made the observation that I had said that I didn't like an ex boyfriend but then when we saw him later I talked with him casually and openly. Her point was that I was being "two-faced". This really really bothered me and I thought about it over and over to try and understand if I really was being two-faced. I realized that I wasn't hiding my true feelings from my ex when I saw him face to face and then revealing how I really feel to other people later. I really do have friendly inclinations towards him, although because of our history there was definitely a limit to that friendship. The problem is that I am overly loud and sarcastic when I'm around people and will often say whatever load of crap will make people laugh. So all these things I was saying to my friend, I was really saying for her benefit not because they were actually what I thought or felt. Because when it really came down to it, it was all just a load of hockey.

That in and of itself makes me feel pathetic. The fact that I have to say whatever I can to get people to laugh makes me seem like such a shallow person. But that's not even my epiphany.

I realized that I have always wanted to be pursued. I know that that sentence in and of itself seems like a "duh" statement. You just can't understand how deeply this goes or how much it has shaken me. I started thinking about all my friends over the years and the friends I have now. None of them pursue me, with a few exceptions over the years. If I didn't talk to my friends that I have now, if I didn't text them or call them or email them it would be quite a while before they thought to check and see if I'm ok. And that's not to say they're bad people or anything, that's just the state of things. I've always been the one to call them , txt them, talk to them. I do have to be honest and recognize that I do have friends that txt me fairly regularly or that I see on a regular basis and they are always warm and open with me. But they don't go out of their way to talk to me. They don't seek me out. They don't see me and just HAVE to get to know me better. Not like how I feel about them. When I meet new people, when I make new friends, all I want to do is spend time with them, talk to them, hear their hearts, get to REALLY know them. Very rarely do I come across people who feel the same about me.

Then I realized that I fall head over heels for a guy simply because he pursues me. Forget his occupation, goals in life, physical attributes, whatever. If you look over my list of men that have come and gone, they are all completely different from each other. The one and only deciding factor has always been "they want me". They are interested in me, they want to talk to me on a daily basis, they care what I'm doing or what I'm thinking.

Realizing all this makes me feel ache-y. It makes me feel tired. How pathetic do I sound? Even writing all this out, I'm wondering if I'm secretly hoping that people will read it and then pursue me more now that they know I want it. And now I feel desperate. I know that now if anyone pursues me, I'm going to think they read this and it's not going to mean anything.

At my Life Focus class we recently did our strengths and one of mine talked about needing things to be talked about in a friendly matter and that I need instructions to be given in a light, fun way. For whatever reason that sounds so childish and immature to me. While I'm driving in my car, thinking about my epiphany, my boss txted me with an overly bouncy, bright tone which just makes me think he "read my mail" so to speak and is putting on an act for my benefit.

You know the crazy thing? All this is true and yet I haven't worried about people wanting to be around me or liking me for a couple months now, ever since I gave the year to God. Because I've been immersed in Him nearly every second of every day. And this past week I've been edging out. And I can feel the difference, acutely. It feels like something's off, like my skin doesn't fit or my brain is fuzzy. There's just the huge sense of wrongness. I hate it. I want my Jesus back, I want His presence. I know that the state of mind I'm in right now is contrary to His, I know that I wouldn't be in this place if I hadn't left His side.

Jesus take my sorrow. I feel silly, like a little girl who wants someone to be her friend just because of who she is. I know it runs deeper, that I want to be seen and known for who I am, not just with friends but also romantically. It's core to my being and yet I feel so stupid for it. I don't want to be like this God. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to sit here and think about all my friends and realize that I didn't make an impact on them. I don't want to be that girl that is loud and funny and pretty but passes out of mind as soon as she is gone. I don't want to meet people and walk away from them not changing them or not being changed. I want real relationships, I want real conversations, I want real community. God, I want You.