Mush for Brains

The past few days I've been some kind of sick. Nothing that I can really put my finger on, just feeling weird and awkward in my own body I guess. The most frustrating for me has been that my brain has been all muddled. During one of my breaks at work I went to study/read like I always do. I look forward to these times, because I don't get any other time to read and I loooooooove reading. But I could not read any of my books! I carry several around with me to read as my whim dictates and I always pick at least one of them. I even had a magazine with me, and yet none of them could keep my attention more than 5 seconds. I was at Panera bread, one of my favorite restaurants, and all of a sudden I didn't want to be there anymore. So I drove to my park that I go to sometimes to relax and wasn't comfortable with my view from my parking spot so I picked another parking spot. Well then I couldn't relax because people were walking their dogs. So I drove to work and sat in the parking lot.

It's just been weird. I'm never like this. And then at work I found I tried to push my sickness as far as I could. I was legitimately sick but I dunno I just felt like I was trying to subtly manipulate situations so that people felt sorry for me. So stupid. So childish. So pathetic and needy.

Recently I've been feeling restless. I need change in my life consistently or I go crazy. I'm a weird mix of contradictions, I need my routine desperately but I also need things changing. I need to wake up every morning at 6am and go through my morning routine but when I go to work I need things to be different whether it's different every day or only once in a while. I noticed my restlessness before I got sick and it started to worry me. I know myself pretty well at this point, and I know that I'm bound to do something crazy when I get restless. Like quit my job. Shave my head. Move to India. That kind of crazy. And being sick the past few days hasn't helped. Yesterday I was thinking about how tired I am of working and how I have this subtle yet constant dread of going to work. It's not the job. I have an amazing job. My boss is awesome and even the one girl I had so much trouble working with has seemed to accept me. Things with my job are great. It's me. I have this unease deep in me that I can't seem to shake.

Yesterday on my break I pulled out my Oswald Chambers book and this is the first thing I read:

When it comes to taking the initiative against drudgery, we have to take the first step as though there were no God. There is no point in waiting for God to help us - He will not. But once we arise, we find He is there.

Aaaaaaaaaagh, but God I don't WANT to take initiative against drudgery. I want to just escape the feeling. I want to just quit my job and then I won't dread it anymore. The problem when I get to this point is reason goes completely out the window. I don't care that I'll be without a job. I don't care that I'll probably break all relational ties that I have with my boss and coworkers now. I don't care that God has put me there for a reason and I havent' accomplished that reason yet. I just think about how I feel right now and think about working there for the rest of the year and I just want out. I feel trapped.

So I'm looking for safe ways to be crazy. A tattoo for instance. The issue with that one is WHAT do I get and can I really justify spending the money on one? And I don't know if I can control myself with that either since I want tattoo sleeves and given the opportunity I'd probably go for them aaaaaaand then I wouldn't be able to work at my job anymore. Kind of a round about way of not having to deal with my unease anymore. I think the safest thing is to get a haircut. Andrew's mom still cuts mine for free and I can go crazy there.

The new thing that I thought of last night was that God is my husband...and my husband probably wants a say in how I cut my hair. And as soon as I thought that, I realized that I had been thinking about needing a change and needing to do something crazy and I hadn't even once thought to talk to God about it. That's been another thing that has changed since I've been sick. I have felt so distant from God. I couldn't focus on Him. I couldn't focus on anything. I'm still having issues. I tried to sit down and blog so many times and I couldn't get more than one or two sentences out. I don't like this feeling!

I guess the thing to do is to remember that God provided this job for me, that He has blessed me with it. I'm here for a reason, whether I'm supposed to make in impact on my coworkers or customers or whether I'm supposed to learn and grow from it. I can't throw a gift from my Husband away or not fully appreciate it. He's with me everyday, He'll know if I put it in the attic or use it with a distasteful air. God created me. He knows exactly what I'm feeling right now, He understands it better than anyone else can. So it makes sense that He knows the solution, He knows how to make me better. I just have to seek Him, pushing past all the mush in my head and my restlessness and what I want. He never leaves me and He's waiting for me to come to Him again.