Demons

I have anger issues. A demon that hides for days at a time and rips through my chest when least expected. An anti-Sarah that lurks in the recesses of myself, poking her head out now and then.

Sometimes I can control it, her, them. Other times, I can't. No one knows this better than my family. My parents have seen me lose all control, throwing chairs and slamming doors. My sisters have seen my face contort in rage and felt my fists.

Self righteous anger. Rage fueled by my own morals and ethics.

You shouldn't be doing that.

You won't stop unless I make you.

The only way to stop you is beat it out of you.

How long before that last phrase becomes "kill you"?

The real Sarah, the one of Spirit and not flesh, cries for the pain she inflicts. She wants to protect and heal, not hurt and injure. Her dream is to fight against those that beat down the helpless, to reign victorious over the dictators and oppressors of the world.

It isn't enough. It isn't enough to hope and wish and dream. Only action makes a difference. Only movement changes things. But action devoid of dreams, devoid of hope is destructive. Impulsiveness, lashing out, all this does is tear down. It never builds up.

How can I apologize? How can I make amends? How can I be forgiven, when the demons inside of me strike again? They strike because I let them. They are there because I harbor them. I protect them. I feel stronger, safer with them. No one can touch me, no one can hurt me.

I'm just flesh and bones after all. What am I? Flesh that melts, bones that dry, crack, and fall into dust. Skin that breaks, rips, veins that bleed, organs that burst. One wrong move, and it's all done. One small glitch and the whole computer shuts down. Such a great balance, tipped one way and it's all over. Only He keeps that balance. Only He controls it. Only He maintains it.

So what am I? Just a creation. A creation no different than any other. A sinful, disgusting creature full of malice, lust, pride, and folly.

Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope.

You died Lord.

You died Lord.

Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn the Father's love song goes,

drowning out my bitter song and breaking through walls and barriers,

Christ swoops in,

removes sin,

picks up His bride and carries her so I can sing in agreement with the King this thing.

'There's only one thing that please the Father,

the God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers.

Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers,

and I'm finally free in the love of the Father'.

Matthew 1

It is interesting to me that Matthew starts off his book with the genealogy of Abraham to Joseph, Jesus' father. But Joseph isn't literally Jesus' father, Joseph is the adopted father. Because Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, not from Joseph. None of Joseph's DNA was a part of Jesus. so I don't know why it matters that Joseph is a descendant of Abraham and David. Because that lineage stops at Joseph and doesn't continue to Jesus.

Joseph really is a class act. There couldn't have been a better man chosen to marry Mary (saying that out loud sounds funny). That's how they did marriages back then, the parents chose their son to marry another set of parents daughter. So these parents, Joseph's and Mary's, met together, probably several times. They discussed who their son/daughter was, the character and skills and mannerisms. The offer is made, would you allow your daughter to marry our son? Mary's parents have thought about it a lot and have come to the decision that, yes, Joseph would be a fine choice for their daughter.

So after all this deliberation, the parents are pleased with the match and are busy with the final preparations, all of a sudden Mary seems to have gained a lot of weight. And soon it is obvious that she is pregnant. Her parents must have given her a lip-lashing, grilling her on who the other man was and how could she shame her family like this. How do you tell your parents that you're still a virgin, in fact you are pregnant with the Saviour of the world? Even if Mary did tell her parents that, you know what her parents were probably thinking? The Son of God would never come in such a disgraceful manner. He wouldn't be born to a sinful girl like you. Everything Mary has ever done wrong would immediately scroll through her parents brains and while they love their daughter and believe her to be a great girl, suddenly they would remember every sin she committed. And it would just be impossible.

Mary's friends, what would they think? I imagine she would have at least one friend that would remain true. She'd accept Mary, even though she thinks she committed adultery. She may beg Mary to reveal who the secret lover is, and be put out when Mary continues to insist that there is no other man. Mary's friend would think that Mary is holding out on her, lying to her face. Trust would be gone, and eventually the friendship would dissolve. Mary would be all alone, no peers who believe or respect her anymore. She was probably shunned from her community and her family would be intent on hiding her away, hoping that everyone would forget her sin and shame wouldn't befall the whole family.

Joseph had to be crushed as well. His parents had told him about Mary. Maybe they had met at this point, maybe they hadn't. But he knew about her. He knew her sweetness, her loving kindness, he heard how others who knew her described her. He agreed with his parents that she was a wonderful choice. He was fully prepared to open his arms to her, to draw her into his life, to love her as God loved him. And then it comes out...she's pregnant.

Anger. Shame. Frustration. Disbelief.

How could she? Joseph would feel cut to the core. Betrayed. Who was this other man? Why was he so much better, that Mary had to have him instead of Joseph? Who was this man, that would take another man's future wife? Joseph had attached himself to Mary, in front of the whole community, and she went and embarrassed him to the very center of his being. How could he love such a woman? How could he have sex, have children, make love to a woman who had been held, kissed, who was having another man's baby? How could Joseph look into the eyes of this woman and believe anything she told him? How could he see another man's child every day and not resent him?

Even with all these emotions running through him, Joseph decides to divorce Mary. The most gracious thing he could do. Instead of demanding her death, instead of pursuing his rights as a man betrayed, he has mercy on Mary and decides to spare her any more humiliation by just breaking off the marriage.

In the middle of all this pain, suffering, confusion, drama, hurt, betrayal, lies, etc...in the middle of all this, Christ is born. In this seemingly torn story, God brings redemption. God comes to Joseph and to Mary and says "I am here. I am real. Trust my story."

Trust in the Lord

When it comes right down to it, trusting God is my biggest weakness. In fact, at times it is my biggest rebellion. "No God, I don't want you to do anything. I want to be the one to fix things. I want to take the credit. I want the satisfaction of doing it. I want to bring myself the glory, not You. Just leave me alone."

I can't get away from Proverbs 3:5-8.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. With ALL your heart. With all your heart. Your heart is the metaphor for your emotions, for your feelings. It's kind of the center point of who you are. The Bible says our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know it? Our heart is what we love with, what we mourn with, what we rejoice with. So whatever heart you have, sad or happy, despairing or in love, trust God using it. And not just a part of it, all of it. You should hold nothing back. Your heart shouldn't be trusting in anyone else or in yourself. It's all or nothing baby.

Lean not on your own understanding. Your understanding of anything is limited and sinful. You can't get around that. Your perspective is skewed, your ideas are faulty. You are not an all-powerful God and so your understanding will never be sufficient. The only person with complete understanding of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, and where you are going is God. Which is why He calls for all of our trust, not some of it. Not part of it. Not most of it. All of it.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. This is the promise God gives us. If we trust Him with all our hearts, not leaning on our own understanding or anyone else's understanding, He is faithful to make straight our paths. If our trust is in Christ alone, everything we do will bring glory to Him, will bring the focus to Him, and in that moment we are one with Christ. When we are one with Christ, He can lead us most effectively and instead of chasing us down every 5 minutes, creating a windy, convoluted path He leads us down a straight path.

Be not wise in your own eyes. This may be the hardest for me. I have a very high opinion of my own intelligence, and am furious when someone questions it. Which is very embarrassing to have to admit. You can find my worst side by just joking about my stupidity or ignorance and even I won't know what words will come flying out of my mouth. I put so much of my self worth on my intelligence, something that I attribute to my own efforts to grow it, that if someone doesn't think I'm smart, I'm either mortified or enraged. Depending on the situation.

I'm not smart. In case you were wondering. Any intelligence I have is by the grace of God, that He taught me something and allowed me to remember it. I can read because God gave me the ability and my mother taught me when I was little. I have a love for reading because my mom read to me so much as a kid. And any thirst for information or knowledge I have is directly fueled by the Holy Spirit.

There is nothing in me that is worthy of praise. There is nothing in me that can do anything. I am completely incapable of creating, of even simply functioning. Any good and perfect thing that you see in relation to me is directly because of my Great and Holy Father. It is He that you see, not me.

Fear the Lord, turn away from evil. I love this little sentence because I feel like it's an answer to every question or plea or complaint I ever send heavenwards.

"Lord, I can't deal with the way he talks to me. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God I'm tired, and I'm grumpy. I don't want to talk to people. Why is everyone so stupid?" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God, I simply do not want to do what You told me." "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

I can't fear the Lord if I am wise in my own eyes. Fear for the Lord, healthy and reverent fear, means that I have a very accurate understanding of myself and of God and of the two of us in relation to one another. I can see just how small and humble I am compared to the Lord of the Universe. Be not wise in your own eyes, then fear the Lord and finally turn away from evil. You can't turn away from evil if you do not fear the Lord and you can't fear the Lord if you think yourself wise. Step 1, step 2, step 3. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.

And God promises that we will have healing to our flesh and refreshment to our bones. We are hurting and it runs deep, all the way to our bones. We may not know it but that is why we try to do things in our own strength. That is why we are reluctant to give the reins over to God, to trust Him or anybody else. Because we instinctively know that there is something wrong and we need to be fixed but for whatever reason we think we can fix it ourselves.

Thanks be to God that He is faithful to us when we let go. He doesn't ask us to give Him control, to trust Him with everything we have only to be told to "get over it". Once we go through those steps, that may not make sense to us and are probably very hard and maybe even painful to do, once we have done those things He is able to give us what we always wanted anyways. He restores us to a level we didn't know existed, He fills the holes we didn't know where there. He takes our pain and goes to the source of it.

He doesn't treat our symptoms as we have tried to do but rather eradicates the disease in us.

Psalm 107: Prisoners

Continuing in Psalm 107, let's look at the next group of people. The prisoners.

"Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High."
- Psalm 107: 10-11

Prisoners of their own choosing. Not someone who was forced into slavery, but rather someone who chased after those things which are addictive, destructive, and life-sucking specifically to fill a need, a desire, a void that only God alone can fill. Or maybe just to run away from God. It says "they rebelled against the word of God", so whatever the reasoning is they have done the opposite of what the Gospel calls us to do, which is to "pick up your cross and follow Him".

What they are chasing is evil, wrapped in darkness and death. They are completely and totally encased in this sin, chains and irons holding them down. They chased alcohol, drugs, sex, fame, fortune, or maybe all of the aforementioned and instead of making them happier, prettier, more desirable, loved, accepted, powerful it has stripped them of everything they have. Any freedom they think they have is fake, lackluster, painted on. They are locked down with no way to free themselves.

Thank God, He allows us to see the situation we are in. Thank God, He opens our eyes.

"So He bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help."
- Psalm 107:12

How do you wake someone up to the prison they live in? How do you snap someone out of a psychotic break? How do you make them realize that this life they live is completely broken and enchained?

You weigh their hearts down and separate them from all friends, family, and kind strangers. You make them fall on their face, tangled up in chains with no way to get up. And then, when they can taste the bile and filth of their prison and all they can see is the rough concrete floor underneath them, only then can they finally release their pride and stop pretending that they are in control. Then is when they admit "I've got mhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=106784583541308202yself in a huge mess and I have no hope of getting out."

God is not a cruel God to put people through something like this. In reality, He didn't put them in chains. We are very good at doing that all on our own, the one thing we can do without Christ's help. This added weight that God puts on these prisoners, this unbearable burden that throws them on their face and immobilizes them is an example of God's grace, not wrath.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart."
- Psalm 107:13-14

Without being broken, these prisoners would never surrender. They would continue to live life as if they weren't chained in irons. God had to break through that fog of pretending and make believe to show them "You need to be rescued" and then had to convince them that they can't rescue themselves, that only God can come in and save them.

God is brought the glory through our brokenness. We are designed, I think, to have to reach the outermost limits of our abilities, to fall on our face, to try and then fail so that God can rescue us. So that God can be brought the glory. So that God can glorify Himself and God allows us the ability to join in the party and glorify Him as well. So that everyone can see that God is Lord over everything, because it was obvious there was no getting out on my own. It was obvious that someone much greater and more powerful had to come in and save me.

Aren't those the most amazing stories? When someone is wrapped up in meaningless sex, living with drug and alcohol addiction, pursuing empty fame and worthless money...isn't it amazing when we see these people hit rock bottom, lose everything, on the brink of suicide or death in some other fashion. When there is no hope left and we expect them to just die, God reaches down and opens their eyes. And they look up and see the face of God and suddenly their hearts are changed from stone to flesh. They are broken by their sin and desperately just want to be near to God. And so God, who cannot do anything but love perfectly and wholly, reaches down, breaks those chains of addiction, and pulls us out of our prison we constructed for ourselves.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man! For He shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron."
- Psalm 107:15-16

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so"

Psalms 107: Homeless

Last week I met with my friend Kresta and she introduced this passage to me. I don't remember ever reading it before, although that doesn't mean I haven't. For whatever reason, when we read through it at Roots it completely grabbed my attention. In the days since, God has pulled me from the Acts study that I was in the middle of and pointed me toward this scripture again and again. He has opened the passage up to me and seems to be teaching me things through it.

So I thought I would post what I'm learning from it, since it helps solidify it in my heart and mind.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south."
- Psalm 107:1-3

The redeemed are called to proclaim that "He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever" and to give thanks to the Lord. "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so."

Who are the redeemed? Later in the passage it talks about 4 different groups of people who are redeemed, but let's look at the word "redeem" first to get a general picture of it.

re·deem

/rɪˈdim/ Show Spelledverb (used with object)

1. to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

2. to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

3. to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

4. to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

5. to convert (paper money) into specie.

6. to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

7. to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

8. to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

9. Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

God buys us back from the slavery of sin. God recovers us from the pit we find ourselves in. God fulfills His promise to us. God restores and releases us. God delivers us from our sin and the consequences of it.

How did He redeem us?

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. "
- John 1:14

Christ is our redemption.

Alright let's look at the 4 different types of people that have been redeemed.

Homeless
Prisoners
Sinners
Workers

"Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them."
- PSalm 107:4-5

These people are homeless, having no home or "city to dwell in". Because they don't have a home, a center to their lives, a place from which to base their work and operations and relationships out of, they are hungry and thirsty. They are without hope, "their soul fainted within them." They live in desert wastes that they can't find their way out of and are on the brink of death, at the end of their rope, with no other options in front of them but to die.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress."
- Psalm 107:6

A miracle happens. The homeless recognize their plight, that they have no way out and no options before them and they cry out to God. How amazing is it that God hears us everytime we call to Him? And how beautiful that He would deliver us from our distress.

Have you ever thought about the times of despair in your life? It's these times in our lives that I believe we finally see our need for God and for rescue. When we realize we can't do it ourselves. It's when we've completely exhausted our abilities and resources for our own gain that we can look up and understand that Christ is the fulfillment of everything we need. I think these times are essential to our growth and maturity as Christians. Otherwise, how will we ever know? If we are not completely exhausted through our own efforts, how can we understand God's grace and mercy that He would come and fix our messes? If we surrendered to God's will before we've reached the end of our proverbial rope, won't we always think in the back of our minds "I could do it by myself if I wished. I could accomplish my goal". We must kill that idea in our heads. We must put to death anything in our spirit that says "I can" instead of "He can". It can no longer be about our ability or our giftings or our resources or our glory, but about Him. About the Holy Trinity and about bringing Them the glory.

God is most glorified in our failings, when He swoops in at the very edge of despair and restores and rescues and rightens us.

"He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in."
- Psalm 107:7

A straight way. A straight shot. Easy peasy. I think this is to show just how lost and incapable we are of taking care of ourselves. It's like we're children in an exceptionally large sandbox that get turned around and sit down and start crying because we think we're stuck forever, and God the parent hears us crying and stands us up and points to the left, where the exit is. The exit that was right in front of us the whole time, but we freaked out and couldn't see it. Or falling into the water and freaking out, screaming that we're drowning, only for God to gently touch us on the shoulder and say "stand up. the water' is only a foot deep." You feel silly don't you? Embarrassed probably. But again, aren't these times necessary for us? Don't we need to see how great He is and how small we are? Isn't it healthy to understand you're shortcomings and that Christ fills those shortcomings? It's ok that we're a little crazy and get lost easily, because Christ loves to rescue us. God loves it when we call on His name. He loves to swoop in and rescue us, point us in the right direction. Because it all brings Him the glory.

He loves to bring us home.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For He satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul He fills with good things."
-Psalm 107:8-9

Ah, this passage isn't talking merely about those who are physically hungry or thirsty. Not just those we are actually lost in a desert and can't find the city. Those whose "soul faints within" them. How great is our God, that He satisfies our souls! Our souls ache and moan, they desire to be fed and to be satisfied and our minds can't understand them. We don't know what we need, we don't know what we desire, and so we wander around aimlessly, chase after things without knowing why. And when we find that we can't satisfy our own souls, we can't ease the pain we feel deep inside, God comes in, because He loves us, and satisfies that which we can't express in words.

The result of this satisfaction? Love. Love pours out of our hearts unbidden for this great and awesome God that would come down out of heaven to live and die on earth just so He can rescue us and we can have this intimate encounter and life spent worshiping and bringing glory to Him.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love"

Temptation

Temptation itself is not a sin; it is something we are bound to face simply by virtue of being human
- Oswald Chambers

Our lives are filled with temptations. They are all around us. You can't drive or go anywhere in America without temptation staring you in the face. You can't even escape it in the privacy of your home. It's there, no matter what you do, and you can always expect it to come around again after you have defeated it the first, second, or third time.

Yet many of us suffer from temptations we should never have to suffer, simply because we refused to allow God to lift us to a higher level where we would face temptations of another kind.
- Oswald Chambers

Before I became a Christian, the temptations I faced were all the things the Bible tells you not to do. All the things you would put on a list of "Sins". Temptation for drugs, for alcohol, for sex, for lying, for cheating, for murder, for stealing. These are the things I battled against every day, that sometimes so filled my mind and my heart that it seemed I was suffocating.

After becoming a Christian, the temptations are quite different. I'm no longer tempted to steal, because I have no desire to do so. Temptations for drugs and alcohol and sex are silly, because there is no inclination in me towards them. As long as I follow Christ, my mind and soul centered on Him, He fills all my needs and I find that my spirit matches His Spirit and finds no joy or satisfaction in sin anymore.

Satan does not tempt us just to make us do wrong things - he tempts us to make us lose what God has put into us through regeneration, namely, the possibility of being of use to God. He does not come to us on the premise of tempting us to sin, but on the premise of shifting our point of view, and only the Spirit of God can detect this as a temptation of the devil.
- Oswald Chambers

And so I learn that just because Satan can not pull me with the chains of sin anymore, because I have been set free, he will try just simply to distract me. All it takes is to get me seeking something good instead of seeking the kingdom. All Satan has to do is convince me that seeking a degree should be my focus, not the kingdom. That seeking to minister to people God has put in my life should be my focus, not the kingdom.

Seek ye first the kingdom.

God, Satans tricks are harder to discern now. It's no longer a matter of things I did or didn't do but now things of the mind Lord. "Take every thought captive" has never seemed so real or so necessary in my life. Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, that I may have the self awareness to discern thoughts of my own that are folly and thoughts that are not from me or from You. Give me Christ awareness God that would fill my mind and trump any other inclinations in my spirit. Command me Lord and then give me what You command that I may obey in all instances, at all costs.

The most important question

The best indicator of my surrender, dedication, and obedience to Christ is asking myself one question...

If I were to lose it all, would I still praise Him?

Most of the time I start reviewing all that I could lose.

If I lost my job, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my friends, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my family, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my house, would I still praise Him?

If I was left with nothing, naked on the street, would I still praise Him? Would I still be filled with the fruits of the Spirit? Would I still surrender to His will and say "You are all I need"?

His purpose is not the development of a person - His purpose is to make a person exactly like Himself, and the Son of God is characterized by self-expenditure. If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain but what He pours through us that really counts.
- Oswald Chambers

Asking myself these questions will quickly make me realize what I'm holding onto instead of Jesus. What I am trying to control instead of letting Him guide. Where I am refusing to surrender.

Almost everytime the result is instant surrender, dropping whatever I was gripping, repentance for taking what wasn't mine, and joy that Christ saved me myself.

My desire is to be completely surrendered. My goal is to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that it cannot be hidden, that Christ shines through so much that I disappear. My desire is to be like Stephen, that in every circumstance the Holy Spirit is in control and not I, and that I would be so filled with Christ's love that I could pray for mercy for my murderers as they kill me. I want to be so strong in my Jesus that I can say what Polycarp said

"Leave me as I am. For he who grants me to endure the fire will enable me also to remain on the pyre unmoved, without the security you desire from nails."

Lord, please take from my life what I don't need. Take even what I need, Lord, so that I am completely and totally dependent on You. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and continue to wash me clean of everything that is offensive to You. Give me the desire to seek You, to be closer to You, to love You more. Teach me to fight sin in my life and to boldly preach the gospel.

My King, My Husband

I preface this entire post with this...I did not, repeat did not finish the movie Tristan and Isolde. So my observations and thoughts provoked since watching the first parts of the movie are not based on the ending...which I know nothing about.

So on to my post.

I watched Tristan and Isolde for the first time last night. And by watched, I mean I got angry and turned it off. It's supposed to be a love story right? Supposed to be romantic right?

It's full of lust and selfishness. Full of desire and wants and pleasures, thoughts of what one deserves. The main thought I had about it was "I deserve to be happy, so I have the right to pursue it."


Not love. Not love at all. Love is patient. Tristan and Isolde were impatient for the next time they would see each other, for the next stolen moment, for the next passionate encounter. Love is kind. Tristan was not kind in his words to Isolde, claiming that she enjoyed her marriage to the king rather than pining for him. Isolde was not kind in that she continued to pull on him and his heart, to try and make him forsake everything to "love" her. Love does not envy. Tristan was extremely envious of Isolde and the king. Love is not proud. Tristan and Isolde were consumed with pride, thinking themselves far above the social implications of their affair. Considering their love pure and right and good while the king's love for Isolde meant nothing. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Tristan and Isolde kept their "love" in hiding, meeting each other in secret. Sin grows in darkness and pales in light.

My idea of a correct way to handle the horrible dilemma that Tristan and Isolde found themselves in is this. Tristan is tormented by the fact that he has to give his love in marriage to his king and adopted father. He should have been completely honest with the king from the beginning, when he arrived. He should have taken the king aside and brought him into his confidence. He should have respected his king that much, instead of hiding his feelings and pain inside. His king was a good king. He would have received his son in love, listened to what he said, and come up with a wise way to handle the situation.

There's a whole list of things that happened in that movie that I think were handled completely the wrong way. But we won't get into all of that. I will say, however, that this is the crap that girls and women buy into all over the world, that Tristan and Isolde "love" each other and that they are entitled to the same "love" and should pursue it no matter what anyone tells them or what their obligations are.

On to my point.

I started thinking about how I would handle things if I was in Isolde's place. What if I found myself being married to someone I didn't know, while being in love with another man? The temptation to hold on to the man I love would be intense, and my stranger husband would seem that much more strange. In fact, I would ignore my husband as much as possible and just wait for the time when I could be with my lover.

Isn't that just like my relationship with my King? Isn't He my Husband? And before I knew Him, didn't I have many many lovers? And don't I find that I still long for the passionate embraces of those lovers, rather than for the loving arms of my Husband and my King?

Isolde didn't know what she had in her husband. She couldn't see that this man loved her for who she is. That he would do anything to make her happy, that he longed to be involved in her life, to be let into her thoughts and her world. And don't forget that he was the KING.

And aren't I exactly the same? Don't I forget who my King and Husband is all the time? I long for romance and He pursued me for 20 years. I long for companionship and He never leaves me. I long for someone to take care of me and He has never let me go hungry. I long for peace and He brings rest to my soul.

How evil is my heart and how desperate are its ways.

I ignore my Husband and King and focus on the time when I can meet with one of my lovers. I stop being a wife, I don't talk to Him, I don't love Him, I don't do things for Him. I sit in our house, surrounded by dirty dished and laundry, everything covered in dust while He lavishes me with gifts of the most expensive and rare kind and all I do is keep my eyes peeled to the window, for my lover to give me the signal to come out and meet him.

God is Love. Love stays with me no matter what I do. Love not only puts up with me, Love wants me to love back. Love wants me to turn away from my lovers and find real Love. Love never fails.

Today vs. The Early Church

I've been reading through Acts and I can't help but compare the early church with today's church. Or rather, with churches I grew up in. Churches I've attended or visited. Churches I've heard about. Churches I've heard complained about. Churches I've heard praised about.

What about the early church is so different? Why doesn't the current church seem to have the same power as the early church? Why is it the current church seems to struggle to keep believers coming? Should we strive to look more like the early church, or has the church changed because times have changed? Is the early church outdated and superfluous?

I see one big difference between the early church and today. The Holy Spirit. Maybe I just grew up in a Baptist church, but I never remember the Holy Spirit being taught in Sunday School, preached from the pulpit, or even referred to. Like the black sheep, awkward mystical 2nd cousin of the family of God, it seems easier to ignore and carry on life with the much easier to understand and containable God and Jesus Christ ( how ironic). Take no notice of the Holy Spirit behind the curtain.

The Holy Spirit is power. That is made evident throughout the Bible.

Then the Spirit of the LORD rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done.

-Judges 14:6

The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

-Genesis 1:2

But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit

-Matthew 1:20

"I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.

-Matthew 3:11

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you will be my witness in Jerusalem, in all Judea, in Samaria and to the end of the earth.

- Acts 1:8

I think the thing churches today are missing is boldness, boldness from the power of the Holy Spirit, made available to us through Christ, from the Father.

When was the last time you saw the Holy Spirit fill a church after prayer and lead the believers to do something crazy for His kingdom?

When was the last time people in your church sold their possessions and gave the proceeds to the church to be distributed to the needs of the believers?

How many needy, struggling, hurting people do you see in your church? Or do you think that there are none?

How many of those people do you see yourself or fellow believers selflessly reaching out to?

That’s the Holy Spirit y’all.

The Holy Spirit moves us. When we have the Holy Spirit inside us, we can’t help but move out, we can’t help but witness, we can’t help but boldly proclaim the gospel.

We’re so quick to judge street evangelists. I think we might even hate them. We say they misrepresent us, they preach fire and brimstone instead of love and acceptance. We say that God is love and so these people are leading the masses away from Christ and towards a false god.

Let’s be honest. We condemn what we do not understand. We have never been that bold. We have never put ourselves up in front of hundreds of people we don’t know and loudly proclaimed who we trust in, who we love, who our devotion is towards. We condemn street evangelists because we don’t have an accurate understanding of the gospel ourselves.

Because the gospel calls us to repent. The gospel tells us that we killed Jesus. The gospel tells us that we are broken and evil and weak without Christ to save us, without God to guide us, without the Spirit to fill us. The gospel tells us to turn from our sin, to repent, and to fully surrender and obey God. The gospel tells us to willfully accept slavery to God. To become nothing so that He becomes everything. To obey without question, without complaint, without understanding.

We preach love and acceptance because it’s easy. It’s easier to tell someone “God loves you” than it is to tell them “You are evil.” It’s easier to tell people that as long as they love God, everything will be ok than to tell them “you can’t love God, you can’t love people, you can’t even control whether you live or die”. It’s easier to pretend than it is to deal with the truth.

Where is our boldness? Why do we hide?

Church, rise up! You are the bride of Christ and yet you diminish His power. You pretend like He’s your little pocket Jesus. You ignore Him until your weekly visit on Sunday. It’s all about you and your comfort and your entertainment and your personal success and it is NOTHING about His kingdom, His glory, His call on your life.

Because He’s calling you. He’s yelling for you. He’s screaming for you. He’s whispering in your ear.

And you drive to work every morning. You swing by Starbucks on your break. You go home and watch tv. You eat dinner with friends or family. You go out on the weekend. You plan vacations and trips. You pay bills. You attend church services.

And Christ has nothing to do with any of it. The Holy Spirit isn’t invading your life. The Lord your God is a passing thought to you.

Wake up Church.

Snap out of it.

Unplug your programming.

Surrender your robot lifestyle.

Let’s speak with boldness the gospel.

Cry Out

"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."
- John 6:63

Life can suck. Life can suck bad. But something I'm starting to realize, or something that God is making known to me, is that life really doesn't suck.

I'm just filling my life and my heart and my mind with things that tear me apart.

I'm learning that life in the Spirit is real life and life in the flesh is shallow, it's paperthin, it rips and tears and disintegrates at the merest disturbance.

Life in the Spirit takes everything in stride, is filled with the peace of God, and is able to minister and love people despite the chaos surrounding it.

Life in the flesh is broken by everything, is filled with worry and strife and despair, and can't focus on anything but it's own pain.

True inner peace is impossible unless it is receved from Jesus.
- Oswald Chambers

Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God, because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself.
- Oswald Chambers

When a person confers with Jesus Christ, the confusion stops, because there is no confusion in Him.
- Oswald Chambers

Thank You for Your mercy, to shake my world and show me where my allegiance, where my trust lay. Thank You that You can't let me flail around on my own strength, that You want me trusting in You and following You and filled with Your peace. Thank You that You aren't content with me running around doing my own thing, that You push me to bring You glory

Desperate

It's coming for you. You know it's there. It never leaves. When you wake up, as soon as those chemicals around your brain recede and allow your consciousness to enter the real world, exiting the dream world, it's sitting waiting to pounce.

It wants your soul. It wants your heart. It wants to devour you. It's waiting and waiting and waiting for you to succumb just one fraction of a centimeter.

You're worthless.

You're ugly.

No one wants you.

It doesn't care what your plans are. It doesn't care that you have to go to work today. It doesn't care that you have to see people all day.

It's reduced you to a miserable puddle of tears. Your cries rise louder and louder and doesn't seem to be heard by anyone.

You're sleeping with your teddy bear again. Wrapped so tightly around him that you're glad he doesn't have respiratory system because he wouldn't be breathing if he did. You're holding onto him as tightly as you can, maybe trying to squeeze the pain out. Maybe trying to forget. Maybe just holding on to sanity as hard as you can.

The pain is a dark hole that you teeter on the edge of constantly. All it takes is one little push, and you're consumed.

Lord, I thought I trusted You. I thought I was embracing Your plans. I know You told me not to but God I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would feel this far from You. I didn't know that it would be waiting to get me, that it would chase me down, that it would attack every single part of me.

Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Lord I'm so desperate. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't withstand it. I can't fight it. Lord I have no defeneses. I'm a 3 year old girl clinging desperately to her teddy bear, eyes squeezed shut, just praying that the demons will go away.

I know You have plans for my life. I know that these plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. I know these plans give me a future. I know that You are brought the glory when I follow the lead You give me. I know that there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. God, where is the morning? Bring it soon Lord. Send your angels to protect me from attack Lord, because I am succumbing. I am being defeated.

This is the Alamo and the enemy is storming in.

Lord help me.

Baptism

This Sunday I'll be getting baptized by Kyle Raney, pastor of Portico, the church plant I have been a part of the past several months. I've invited friends and family because this is a huge moment for me and I want to share it with everyone who has ever made an impact in my life.

Those who have known me a while are probably aware that I've been baptized before...a lot, actually. I've lost count of how many times I've walked down the aisle. How many times I felt emotional during a sermon and responded to "the call". How many times I've sat down with a "counselor" to talk about the decision I just made.

It has been a very long road to salvation for me. 20 years long. When I was real small, about 4 years old, I remember laying in my bed during a thunder storm and being scared. But then I heard God speak to me and comfort me and I wasn't afraid anymore. I remember being in awe, certain in my heart for the first time that God is real and He is powerful.

For years and years I pointed to that as my salvation point. All those times when you have to give your testimony, to prove your a Christian in order to participate in mission projects and such, this is always the story I gave.

I spent my life from 4 years old all the way through high school living a lie. A lie that I myself believed. My salvation was works-based. I didn't have an understanding of the gospel. My God was not personal, was not with me in everything. I did everything my way, not His way. Satan had me all wrapped up in His lies and my own lies. Reality was skewed, desperately so. I had so many verses memorized, but none of them pierced the darkness I lived in.

Sin was so prevalent. I worshiped it, although I wasn't aware of it. I can remember specific times when I told Satan that if he could give me what I wanted, I would follow him instead of God.

He always gave me what I wanted, and cut me down with more despair than I could handle.

Satan had me completely going the opposite direction of God, although from the outside it looked like I was your typical good little Christian girl. I was at all the church events. I knew all the right things to say. I knew all the right things to do. I thought I was a Christian.

But I was so broken. I was so enslaved inside my own head. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was going to drown.

Fast forward to college. God got me away from everything I knew, friends, family, church etc. That is when I finally began to realize that the way I had been living wasn't reality. God began to talk to my heart and my head, revealing small lies that I had believed for so long. I started to see that God isn't distant, He's right here with me.

I started to learn the Gospel. I started to feel God's pull on my heart and on my life. I still did what I wanted, and prolonged the process, but God never let me go. He just quietly broke me until I couldn't run anymore.

September 28th. The longing in my heart grew too huge. I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed Christ. I needed God. I couldn't go on living without Him.

Some friends had seen my desire for Christ and had been ministering to me the weeks leading up to September 28th. They answered questions I had about the Holy Spirit and challenged me to not be afraid, but ask for the Holy Spirit to come. I still thought I was a Christian and so did they. We thought this was simply a call for the Holy Spirit to fall down.

How can you know the subconscious desires of your heart? When I prayed, all of a sudden I thought I would suffocate because I stopped breathing. My desire for God, for Christ, to sit at His feet, to fall down before Him, to worship Him before the world grew so great that it overwhelmed me. I had been suppressing it with the lies I had believed for so long.

I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried. I was so lost in my despair over my lost life, over my sin, over my inability to save myself, and so desperate for Christ that I don't remember what I did during that time, whether it was a few minutes or hours. Mama Jo, who was with me, told me later that I fell to the ground like I was dead. She said she didn't know whether to leave me alone or make sure I was ok. (I think that's funny btw, ha-larious).

Since that point, Christ has been teaching me how to fall in love with Him. I finally understand the gospel and have a burning desire to share it with people. God has finally become THE focus of my life and I am finally fully surrendered to Him.

Recently God whispered to my heart about baptism. I have shied away from the topic, since I've been baptized a bazillion times and its kind of embarrassing for me. But this time it is right. This time it's a public testimony to everyone of 20 years of running and God finally chasing me down.

I hope you can make it.

Blue Screen of Death

When the Son of God prays, He is mindful and consciously aware of only His Father.
- Oswald Chambers

I'm not always aware of my Father. We are called to pray continuously, so I'm assuming that also means being consciously aware of God too. I wish I was. But there's so much rattling around in my brain. Things to do. Memories. Wishes. Hopes. Dreams. Stresses. Pictures. Videos. Movies. Facebook. Books. Philosophies. Patterns of thinking. Plans. And then plain old subconscious riff raff that pops in every now and then.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels crazy sometimes. Is my head really supposed to act like this? Is there a delete button somewhere? Can I at least organize all this crap into folders and only have to deal with them when I open the folder?

My desktop is full of icons and has about 2398472384729 popups appearing at any given second. No wonder my brain freezes up. I don't have the RAM for this!

Simplicity is what I long for. It's like my own personal utopia. Even as I grab for more and more things to complicate and fill up my life, my inner soul just cries out simply for Jesus.

Our ordinary abilities will never worship God unless they are transformed by the indwelling Son of God. We must make sure that our human flesh is kept in perfect submission to Him, allowing Him to work through it moment by moment Are we living at such a level of human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being exhibited moment by moment in us?
- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord"
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Plastic surgery? Heart transplant.

Am I allowing His holy innocence, simplicity, and oneness with the Father the chance to exhibit itself in me?

Am I simple enough to identify myself with the Lord in this way?

Is He having His wonderful way with me?

Is God's will being fulfilled in that His son has been formed in me, or have I carefully pushed Him to one side?

Is the Son of God praying in me, bringing honor to the Father, or am I dictating my demands to Him?

Is He ministering in me as He did in the time of His manhood here on earth?

Is God's son in me going through His passion, suffering so that His own purposes might be fulfilled?

- Oswald Chambers

I'm not sure how to answer these questions. When I think back to December, when God first called me to this year long committment and I remember how I felt, how I thought, what I expected for the year, how determined I was, it's almost like another person. I have definitely wandered. I have definitely been distracted. I have definitely wandered off the beaten path more than a few times.

It makes me wonder if there is still time. The year is more than halfway over. My inclination right now is to kick it into overdrive, to make up for what was lacking the past few months. Work like crazy to earn my spot in heaven again. Got to prove that I'm worth it. Got to prove that I can do it. Got to prove that I'm not worthless, that I'm not a failure.

"He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption."
- 1 Corinthians 1:30

Continually learning that it is not myself anymore, but it is Him. Learning to swallow my pride, learning to bite my tongue, learning to release my anger/bitterness/hatred of people for what they've "done" to me and instead ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the characteristics of Christ.

Mold me. Change me. Reconstruct me. Until there is nothing left of myself, kill my flesh and burn away the chaff. Let this not be a simple plastic surgery that is quick and easy, has no recovery time, and only affects the surface of my life. Lord, take it to the root of the problem. Cut out my heart and the dead flesh around it and replace it with Your healthy, beating, beautiful Heart. Give me Your Son.

Stress

The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.

It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.

Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.

Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.

I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.

But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18

I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.

God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.

Following God Despite Bleeding from Your Uterus

I started off today's God time completely in the wrong mood, and I knew it. I finally started my period today after days of my body telling me "it's now, it's now!". I've been in that state of being that all women are aware of when people keep telling you to calm down and you scream back "I AM CALM!". It's a fun island to live on for a week or two at a time.

I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.

When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.

So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.

Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.

I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.

The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?

I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.

So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.

Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.

"Seeking to do the will of the Father was one of the dominating concerns throughout our Lord's life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose."

"The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God's purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own."

"We have no idea what God's goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."

"The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God."

- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31