Baptism

This Sunday I'll be getting baptized by Kyle Raney, pastor of Portico, the church plant I have been a part of the past several months. I've invited friends and family because this is a huge moment for me and I want to share it with everyone who has ever made an impact in my life.

Those who have known me a while are probably aware that I've been baptized before...a lot, actually. I've lost count of how many times I've walked down the aisle. How many times I felt emotional during a sermon and responded to "the call". How many times I've sat down with a "counselor" to talk about the decision I just made.

It has been a very long road to salvation for me. 20 years long. When I was real small, about 4 years old, I remember laying in my bed during a thunder storm and being scared. But then I heard God speak to me and comfort me and I wasn't afraid anymore. I remember being in awe, certain in my heart for the first time that God is real and He is powerful.

For years and years I pointed to that as my salvation point. All those times when you have to give your testimony, to prove your a Christian in order to participate in mission projects and such, this is always the story I gave.

I spent my life from 4 years old all the way through high school living a lie. A lie that I myself believed. My salvation was works-based. I didn't have an understanding of the gospel. My God was not personal, was not with me in everything. I did everything my way, not His way. Satan had me all wrapped up in His lies and my own lies. Reality was skewed, desperately so. I had so many verses memorized, but none of them pierced the darkness I lived in.

Sin was so prevalent. I worshiped it, although I wasn't aware of it. I can remember specific times when I told Satan that if he could give me what I wanted, I would follow him instead of God.

He always gave me what I wanted, and cut me down with more despair than I could handle.

Satan had me completely going the opposite direction of God, although from the outside it looked like I was your typical good little Christian girl. I was at all the church events. I knew all the right things to say. I knew all the right things to do. I thought I was a Christian.

But I was so broken. I was so enslaved inside my own head. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was going to drown.

Fast forward to college. God got me away from everything I knew, friends, family, church etc. That is when I finally began to realize that the way I had been living wasn't reality. God began to talk to my heart and my head, revealing small lies that I had believed for so long. I started to see that God isn't distant, He's right here with me.

I started to learn the Gospel. I started to feel God's pull on my heart and on my life. I still did what I wanted, and prolonged the process, but God never let me go. He just quietly broke me until I couldn't run anymore.

September 28th. The longing in my heart grew too huge. I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed Christ. I needed God. I couldn't go on living without Him.

Some friends had seen my desire for Christ and had been ministering to me the weeks leading up to September 28th. They answered questions I had about the Holy Spirit and challenged me to not be afraid, but ask for the Holy Spirit to come. I still thought I was a Christian and so did they. We thought this was simply a call for the Holy Spirit to fall down.

How can you know the subconscious desires of your heart? When I prayed, all of a sudden I thought I would suffocate because I stopped breathing. My desire for God, for Christ, to sit at His feet, to fall down before Him, to worship Him before the world grew so great that it overwhelmed me. I had been suppressing it with the lies I had believed for so long.

I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried. I was so lost in my despair over my lost life, over my sin, over my inability to save myself, and so desperate for Christ that I don't remember what I did during that time, whether it was a few minutes or hours. Mama Jo, who was with me, told me later that I fell to the ground like I was dead. She said she didn't know whether to leave me alone or make sure I was ok. (I think that's funny btw, ha-larious).

Since that point, Christ has been teaching me how to fall in love with Him. I finally understand the gospel and have a burning desire to share it with people. God has finally become THE focus of my life and I am finally fully surrendered to Him.

Recently God whispered to my heart about baptism. I have shied away from the topic, since I've been baptized a bazillion times and its kind of embarrassing for me. But this time it is right. This time it's a public testimony to everyone of 20 years of running and God finally chasing me down.

I hope you can make it.