Stress

The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.

It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.

Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.

Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.

I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.

But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18

I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.

God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.