Desperate

It's coming for you. You know it's there. It never leaves. When you wake up, as soon as those chemicals around your brain recede and allow your consciousness to enter the real world, exiting the dream world, it's sitting waiting to pounce.

It wants your soul. It wants your heart. It wants to devour you. It's waiting and waiting and waiting for you to succumb just one fraction of a centimeter.

You're worthless.

You're ugly.

No one wants you.

It doesn't care what your plans are. It doesn't care that you have to go to work today. It doesn't care that you have to see people all day.

It's reduced you to a miserable puddle of tears. Your cries rise louder and louder and doesn't seem to be heard by anyone.

You're sleeping with your teddy bear again. Wrapped so tightly around him that you're glad he doesn't have respiratory system because he wouldn't be breathing if he did. You're holding onto him as tightly as you can, maybe trying to squeeze the pain out. Maybe trying to forget. Maybe just holding on to sanity as hard as you can.

The pain is a dark hole that you teeter on the edge of constantly. All it takes is one little push, and you're consumed.

Lord, I thought I trusted You. I thought I was embracing Your plans. I know You told me not to but God I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would feel this far from You. I didn't know that it would be waiting to get me, that it would chase me down, that it would attack every single part of me.

Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Lord I'm so desperate. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't withstand it. I can't fight it. Lord I have no defeneses. I'm a 3 year old girl clinging desperately to her teddy bear, eyes squeezed shut, just praying that the demons will go away.

I know You have plans for my life. I know that these plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. I know these plans give me a future. I know that You are brought the glory when I follow the lead You give me. I know that there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. God, where is the morning? Bring it soon Lord. Send your angels to protect me from attack Lord, because I am succumbing. I am being defeated.

This is the Alamo and the enemy is storming in.

Lord help me.