Counting My Blessings

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings

Bing Crosby, White Christmas

When thinking back over the year since last Christmas, it's easy to see the many blessings that I have. It's also to see how God orchestrated everything in order to grow me and teach me. And how much He loves me. It's crazy to think of the many ways I tried to veer off, to ignore Him, to forsake Him, to go my own way...and then how many times He just kept drawing me to Him.

I've been broker than I've ever been before in my life. I had bigger debts, more bill collectors, and less options. I was arrested, I wrecked my car, I found myself in horrible working conditions, I moved 4 times, I was dumped, I started going to counseling again, I was lonely, I was depressed, I lost way too much weight, I got addicted to coffee again, I was almost raped, I made a lot of bad decisions with guys, and I dropped out of school. I hit my all time lowest point.

But I am the most blessed person I know.

I am still alive.
I never once went hungry.
I was never sick.
I was NOT raped.
I am healthy again.
I am learning to deal with depression.
I didn't make the worst decision with a guy.
Counseling helped.
TCAL provided a new car.
I have a better job.
I met an awesome officer when I was arrested who helped me when I wrecked.
I am living back home with my family.
I have the opportunity to drink coffee.
I start school in January at Christ For the Nations Institute.
I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.
I live in a country where all this is possible.

I don't have much by American standards. But when you look at everyone else living in other countries...I have so much. I have so many books, so many clothes, so much makeup, so much shampoo and lotions, so much food in the pantry, so many towels...I mean, it's crazy when you really think about it how much stuff we have that we don't REALLY need. I don't need a mattress to sleep on. I don't need 10 different towels. I don't need 2o34234 different outfits. I don't need 5 kinds of lotion. I don't need my own library. So many people out there are just surviving. I think I had it bad this past year just because I had to go to Mission Arlington a couple times to get groceries...HELLO! Not everyone has a Mission Arlington they can go to! How blessed are we simply because we live in America.

And then when I think about the people I know personally that have poured into me...wow. So many teachers, parents, families, kids, friends, bosses that have impacted me. It's amazing to me how the closer I get to God, the more I love people....and the more I feel that love just bubbling out of me. It usually results in me crying. Which is awesome.

My dad. I've never been more proud of my dad than I have been this past year. Watching him step up and challenge young men in his caregroup at church and really work to teach my little brother how to be a boy. Knowing that he's working harder to make sure he is loving my mom like he should and modeling that to me and my siblings. Having him tell me that I'm beautiful, something I've been waiting 20 years to hear.

My mom. I have the hardest time loving my mom for who she is, respecting her, and not taking her for granted. Those that know me understand why. But this past year I've really been able to understand what she does for our family. She wants to stay home and teach my siblings but she took a job because the family needs the money. She works with the elderly and she absolutely loves it, she has such a heart for them. She deals with my siblings every single day who she has to repeat EVERYTHING to 3000 times before they finally get it. She plays taxi cab to everyone's needs and when I moved back home she arranged everything so I could. Everyone in the family seems to lash out at her in anger or frustration or just give her attitude but she always takes it, usually silently. She is the strongest woman on the planet.

My sisters. When I lived at home, I had absolutely no relationship with them. The older one hated me and the younger one just wanted me to acknowledge her existence. When I left home I was able to come back to them and ask forgiveness, which they gave, but it wasn't until this year and more specifically the past year, that we've started to be close as sisters should. I'm watching my sister Elise as she grows and matures. She is absolutely gorgeous and so talented. She brings people out of their shell with her humor. She lights up a room as soon as she walks in the door. She's really growing into herself, settling into her own sense of style and personality and the result is stunning. My sister Candace is so quiet but I'm learning that it doesn't mean she's weak. She loves without holding back and has no problem with welcoming people in. She is just as beautiful as my sister Elise, although she is still searching a little for her own niche in life.

My brother. Scott is the constant challenge in my life. He reminds me to stop thinking about myself and just invest in people while sacrificing a little of my time to do so. He can be throwing a hug fit and screaming and crying and slamming doors but he also calls me asking when I will come home. He can melt my heart anytime he wants to...while he can also drive me absolutely up a wall with insanity. I love it when he snuggles with me (those rare few seconds he actually sits still), I love it when he tries to scare me and laughs hysterically when he does. I love when he tries to fight me and how he keeps trying even though it's futile. I love his lisp, I love that he's so ridiculously short, I love that he isn't afraid of anything, and I absolutely love when he surprises me with his heart. I can't wait until he grows up!


And that's just my immediate family. There's so much extended family and friends that I could write about. But I've bawled enough for one night I think!

One of Those Days...Again

It never fails does it. Satan comes at you like a spidermonkey just when you think you're safe or you're secure in Christ.

I wake up today feeling like I didn't sleep at all. On my morning prayer call, I couldn't concentrate or focus on any of the prayers. In my own quiet time, I couldn't get into prayer like normal. I couldn't focus on my own studies. I feel restless, reading for a couple minutes and jumping to something else.

It's hard. And by "it" I mean everything. Oswald Chambers said this morning that if you're not rooted in Christ, we are lost. We have to be consistent internally rather than externally. If my soul is always pointed towards Him, then it won't matter where I find myself or what situation I'm in because I will remain steadfast. But if I worry more about being consistently externally, i.e. legalistic, than I will be just as lost as non-believers. Being consistent internally allows me to be surrounded by non-believers and not be shaken from my beliefs. It allows me to travel all over the world, like Paul, and preach the Gospel. Because no matter the people, the customs, the situations, the message never changes. The power never lessens.

So this whole "consistent internally" is hard. Because again, I am feeling inadequate. Again, I look in the mirror and think "ew". Again, I feel frustrated that I don't measure up to the classic ideals for beauty. Again, I want to pierce and tattoo everything I can in an effort to say "fuck you" to those very ideals. Again, I feel like I need confirmation that I'm pretty. Again, I'm willing to seek that confirmation out. Again again again. All this is way too familiar to me.

My Princess, Treasure Your Body

Your body is a gift from Me, and you are too valuable to let the wrong person open that gift. You are My treasure, and My Spirit dwells within you. I know there is an inner war raging for your soul and your body-fighting against all you know to be true. Remember, My love, I can fight this battle for you, so don't compromise My best for you for a moment of passion. I know it may seem harmless to give yourself away, but the pain is not worth the pleasure. Listen, My love: Don't imitate those in the world who care nothing for your soul. Give yourself to Me, and I will give you the love you're looking for.

Love,

Your King and your Purity

"Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow" - Psalm 51:7

How can I not look at all these beautiful girls and not feel inadequate? These beautiful girls that have the body, the face, the hair, the clothes, the personality, the smile. I used to try and be just like these girls, worrying about what I eat, how my clothes fit, what clothes I'm wearing, my hair, my makeup, everything. I could never do it. I can't do it. And now I have this hopelessness that won't go away.

Here it is. I feel hopeless because I think I have to be like these girls to be loved. I have to be like these girls to attract that guy so that he'll want to marry me. Because marriage is my ultimate goal. Past that, I don't care what happens. And marriage won't come if I can't attract that guy, which I can't do unless I can somehow fit into this mold that I will never fit in.

I guess as long as marriage is my goal, I'll struggle through all this. It's when my goal is Christ that life makes sense. Those brief moments or days are the happiest of my life. Now if I can just make it last longer....

State of Mind

"Our state of mind is powerful in it's effects. It can be the enemy that pierces right into our soul and distracts our mind from God." - Oswald Chambers

I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I love Oswald Chambers. I think all my quotes are from him. The man's a brilliant follower of Christ and he always says things exactly how they should be said.

Our state of mind is extremely powerful. It's what makes or breaks us. It's what sets us apart from non-believers, it's what makes us stand out in a crowd. It's what brings glory or brings shame to our Father, our Lord.

It's easy to get sucked into the wrong state of mind. I know, I think essentially this is my most constant and hardest battle in my spiritual and physical life. It's easy for one fleeting thought to set the tone for the rest of the hour, day, week, month, year. Your state of mind controls everything. Whatever state it is, everything you do, say, or think flows out of it. So if you're in a depressed state of mind, you're not going to want to go and preach the gospel to a random stranger. In fact, you probably won't even feel God's prompting to do so, because you're so wrapped up in your own pity party. Or you haven't even left the house, so there's no one to preach to anyway.

If you're state of mind is selfish in any way, whether it's a sexual state of mind, a depressed state of mind, a critical state of mind, a prideful state of mind, whatever it is, it is exhibited to everyone around you. So for you to be in a prideful state of mind and be telling people about how much God loves them, you're effect is negative instead of positive. Because those people you're talking to can see your pride and it's not matching up with what you're saying.

I think the biggest "killer" of the Christian faith are Christian's attitudes. Because we get too caught up in the ways of the world, too caught up in bills, in money, in love, in sex, in ourselves, in whatever...and it alters our attitudes, our thinking, our mannerisms, etc. When it should be the other way around, WE should be affecting the WORLD'S attitude.

If there is ANYTHING draining our spiritual walk with Christ, we are to get rid of it. That doesn't just include material things! That doesn't just include relationships we shouldn't be in! That doesn't just include jobs! In fact, I don't think it really includes those things at all because if we look at it closely we realize that the reason those things drain us spiritually is because they change our state of mind and our attitudes. But getting rid of relationships, jobs, or possesions will not necessarily change our attitudes for the better. The attitude may very well stay the way it is and just find a new way to fulfill itself.

Oh great and mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign
That You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign
That You would reign in us

The Serious Face of God

"Beware of the pleasant view of the fatherhood of God; God is so kind and loving that of course He will forgive us." - Oswald Chambers

God doesn't forgive us because He loves us. Even as perfect and holy and HUGE as God is, His nature does not allow Him to forgive us of our sins. Even though He created everything, even though everything is under His command, if He just forgave us because He wanted to, He would cease to be God. Christ had to give up His place in heaven. He had to drop off the things that make Him God so that He could become human like the rest of us. He had to endure 33 years of human trials without using the powers available to Him to combat or alter the experience. Essentially He went to battle without His armor, His weapons, or His army. He had to rely totally on God, just like us. And He did, every second of His life.

And then, after He had already sacrificed everything to show us how to live for Him, He took on everything we have ever done so that we could be eternally and completely free. Not only did He die when He could have lived forever, but He also took all sin and evil with Him. He was an innocent, killed by the hate of His people. He did nothing wrong, but did not raise His voice to defend Himself. Instead, He welcomed death because He knew the ultimate victory would be God's. Not just a physical death, but a spiritual one as well.

And God the Father had to stand and watch as His beloved Son, His flesh and blood and Spirit, die a physical and a spiritual death, both of which He was never supposed to experience. Christ was never supposed to have a physical body that would decay and eventually die. Christ was never supposed to take on the weight of the billions of people's sins. Christ was never supposed to bear the guilt of the rapist, of the dictator, of the thief, of the adulterer, of the liar, of the serial killer, of all the twisted and sick people who ever lived or who ever will live. And He wasn't supposed to bear the guilt of the "good" ones, of the proud, of the righteous, of the holy, of the religious, of the selfish.

All so that you can be saved. All so that you can be sanctified. All so that you can be free. All so that you can be armed against Satan's attacks. All so that you can experience true intimacy. All so that you can love God.

"Once you realize that it cost God to forgive you, you will be held as in a vise, constrained by the love of God" - Oswald Chambers

Conviction of Sins

I grow ever more confused along this concept of "conviction of sins". Which is silly because I've grown up in the church...all these really tough concepts are supposed to be easy peasy for me. I've always been the little know - it -all Christian. But the more I read about sin, the more I realize that I really just have no idea.

Several weeks ago, Oswald Chambers did several days of addressing the role of missionary. The first day I was blown over by this quote "The message of the missionary is the limitless importance of Jesus Christ as the propitiation for our sins." Such a "duh" statement but it wasn't until I read this excerpt that I realized that in all my dealings with people and all my plans, never once do I proclaim Christ as the propitiation for our sins. In fact, I didn't even really understand what that meant! I had to txt my friend Garrett to explain what that means to me. And I realized while going further into Chambers' teachings about missionaries that I focus totally on the "work" aspect of being a missionary (that is, building huts and relationships and what not) and not on bringing people to Christ! In fact, I'd rather I didn't have to bring people to Christ unless they are the one questioning me about it. And even then, I'm not proclaiming it as I should be. I just tell my story, my experiences.

I'm trying to bring people to Sarah Beth, not to the Cross!

Whoa.

Blasphemy incarnate.

So, after I came to realize this and after I picked myself up off the ground where God struck me with lightning, I questioned "why?" How could I get so twisted up and confused about something so CORE to my beliefs and what I want to do? Why don't I want to tell people about Jesus? Why do I shy away from talking about sin? Why is it that when Garrett said that we as humans are evil, I felt so completely offended?

I've never had conviction of sin. There I said it. I feel like I'm confessing to murder or something. It's completely taboo to be a follower of Christ and NOT have conviction of sin. But it's true. I feel burdened by sin, I feel guilty, I feel sorrow for people or myself trapped in sin, I feel lost, I feel trapped, I feel suffocated. But not once have I felt conviction for my sin to where I see myself as dirty and despicable as I am and realize just how big a sacrifice it was for Christ to die with my filth so that I could live. In fact, essentially I don't think I'm such a bad person. I'm aware of my sins but I guess I make concessions for them? Not that I don't think I need to be forgiven or that they don't ruin my relationship with Christ or anything but I don't see myself as evil. Rather, more accurately I guess, I see myself as an innocent who's trying as hard as she can and messes up a lot but when she turns her eyes to Christ, He rescues her everytime.

This is the state of mind I find myself in. After I'm learning that each and every one of us IS evil and that God cannot forgive us because He loves us, but because Christ died on that cross. And now I'm questioning...can you be saved without conviction of sin?!?!?!?!

I look at my experiences the past couple of years. And I think "How can I not be saved? Why would God draw me so close to Himself, why would the Holy Spirit come over me, if I'm not one of God's children?" You know? Like, how could I have this intimacy with Christ that I have now if I wasn't saved? But, how come I've never been convicted of my sin?

And now it makes sense why I don't ever tell people about Christ on the cross...because I never experienced conviction myself. That's why I don't shout at people to repent. That's why God hasn't sent me to be a missionary yet.

God, I don't understand. I'm very confused. I'm scared to ask for it but please, give me conviction of my sin. Show me my true self, as dirty and filthy and disgusting as it is. Help me realize how deep Your sacrifice goes for me.

"I Can't" Mentality

I am the Queen of the "I Can't" phrase. "I can't workout because I don't have money for a gym membership" or "I can't call my friend because I have to leave in 15 minutes and I don't want to cut it short" or "I can't get up early in the mornings so I can't get all the things I need to do done". Trust me, whatever it is that I don't want to do, I can think of a way to convince myself it's ok not to do it.

That, my friends, is my own "self-satisfaction", as Oswald Chambers puts it. That's my own spirit saying "Ya, you're fine! You don't have to worry about keeping in contact with your friends or getting everything done that you need to. It's not your fault! You're doing fine." But it's this same spirit that throws me into that pit of depression later that day when I see all these other women that seem to have it together better than me. Those women that workout and have lunch dates with their friends and get up on time.

I woke up this morning with Satan whispering as many selfish and depressing thoughts as he could into my ear. Weighing me down with my list of things to get done today, with thoughts of imperfectness, trying to disarm me by reminding me that my future husband doesn't want a lazy wife who sleeps in all the time. He tried to make me feel lonely and isolated by asking me where my boyfriend was, and then inquiring if I even have any real friends.

But here's what I say to him. "If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!" (John 8:36). I lay my individuality down before the throne of Christ so that nothing gets in the way of His work. I sacrifice my wants and desires, my thoughts, my hopes and dreams, all so that His kingdom can come. Because God does not force me to sacrifice. He does not discipline my mind. That is something that I must do in obedience to Him. I cannot come to Him and say "I'm sorry Lord that I didn't obey but I have this struggle that hindered me!" Don't have that struggle! Don't have wandering thoughts, don't worry about finances, don't fill your heart with insufficient things. You have the choice and so you have the power to say no to all of these things! Satan has got us all conned into thinking we are powerless in our own minds.

Oh to be completely broken, to lose everything that makes me who I am, all so that Christ radiates through me, so that Christ is all. To be "not just merged into Him, but made one with Him...free to the very core of your being; free from the inside to the outside." (Oswald Chambers). The thought scares me. I don't know what it looks like, I don't know how the process works, and I have no idea who I'll be on the other side. I'm comfortable with myself, as faulty and miserable as it may be at times. But I trust my King and I desperately want to follow Him. And so I plunge in out of obedience, and trust that even if I die, His name will be glorified.

Bah!

The title of my blog today is exactly the sound I make when I'm frustrated and run out of things to say...BAH!

I think it's just been one of those days. I haven't had a car for over a week and I'm growing frustrated with being stuck at home. I can't see my friends because I can't drive to their house or even meet them halfway. I finally have time to make plans with people and I can't simply because I can't get out of the house. I don't have the freedom to go where I want, when I want. And so I'm stuck at home, which is getting a little lonely.

I don't want to reach out to my guy friends for companionship because it's too easy to fall into a relationship out of convenience or guilt or sympathy. And I want to grow and pursue friendships with girls, but not having a car is really hindering me! Plus, I dunno what to say to girls half the time. I dunno what they like to do and most of the time when I'm talking I feel like I'm talking another language or something.

And hang it all, the ONE guy who fulfills EVERYTHING God told me to look for in a husband is not giving clear signs either way. Sometimes he seems really interested and sometimes he doesn't. I'm close to just asking him flat out so I can move on with my life.

And at the bottom of all this, deep in the back of my consciousness, past the spoiled "i don't wanna" and "poor me" attitude is the real me. The real me who knows that God is isolating me for a reason. That He's drawing me closer to Him, to learn to rely so completely on Him that every breathe I'm leaning on Him. The real me that knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that God has His timing for my husband and that whether or not this guy is "the one", God has promised me a husband and He's told me his exact characteristics. The real me that knows that God feels my pain and that if I can just give them to Him, He completes me.

God, it's hard to trust You. It's hard to believe You. It's hard to let go of my own bad attitude and willful desires. It's hard not to settle for something less than what You promised me and it's hard to NOT take things into my own hands . It's hard to let go of my own desires...and God it's so hard to take my eyes off what I want and align my heart with Yours. It's when I'm most focused on my own woes that I am least useful for Your kingdom and recently You've allowed me to experience the joy that comes from bringing glory only to You. I don't want to lose that chance; I want everything I do to shout praises to You. Thank You that You love me and that that love is all I need...period. Thank You for drawing me closer to You and teaching me lessons I don't want to learn. Thank You for Your presence I grow more and more aware of daily. Your name be praised above everything else, in Jesus's name. Amen.

My future husband

So my friend Kyler told me today who my future husband is going to be. I love him :)


He's not a skinny little turd like me, he's a big boy (not like a fatso or anything) with a big voice and an even bigger laugh. He has kindof short black hair and listens to indi music. he's a man's man but not the kind that dominates a relationship, just the kind thats enough of a bad A to lead ol Sarah Beth. He's got some really cool tatoos that are artsy and in no way trashy. his earse are may be gauged. Everybody knows what a nice guy he is. He has blue eyes that say if ya fall i'll allways catch you. and he also has ADHD, but he has it under controle.

So if you are a man and fit this description please ask me out. Kthnx!

Renewed Fervor

“You will seek Me and find Me. When you seek Me with all your heart.” -Jeremiah
29:13

It has been months since I have sought out my Saviour. I have been more concerned with basic survival and pleasures that are fleeting than I have in growing my relationship with and my love for the One who fulfills everything in me. This morning, I finally sought Him out. And I took only one step before He swept me up in His arms, buried me in His embrace, and covered my face with His kisses. Oh how I have longed for His love and His touch! It has never gone away, as much as I tried to mask it or to quench it with other things. Where I once was exhausted, focused on survival, and hopeless now I am refreshed, excited about tomorrow, and eager to be lead in new paths.

“And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it
to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” - Phillipians 1:6

God put a passion in my heart, a calling to my life and even though I ran away from Him and forsaked everything He had prepared me for, He did not give up on me. He has been ever calling me, never once did He break communication with me. I refused to answer the phone, I ignored His texts, and I turned away when I saw Him in public, but He never stopped. Like a lover who would not be denied, He continued to pursue me, He never left me for one instant. And now He is rejoicing because He is finally able to finish the work He started in my life.

“Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be
exalted in the earth!” - Psalms 46:10

So often I pass over this verse without another thought. But today, it brings such joy to my heart! In such a fast paced world, with such an ADD mentality, who would have known that my heart would leap at the chance to just be still and know that He is God? He will be exalted! No matter what I do, God’s name will be glorified but OH how I want to be the one to do it! I want to be a part of the masses, screaming until our voices crack how awesome is our God and how mighty is His name!

Confessions of a Love Addict #1

1. I am addicted to fantasy.

I can’t remember when it really started…so maybe it’s always been. I’ve been reading since I was really young and I can’t say when reading turned to obsession but it did and here I am. For as long as I can remember, I’ve almost literally ate books. I couldn’t read them fast enough. I couldn’t buy or borrow enough. Every single fiction book I could find, especially those with a heroine, I would.

These books gave me a world where I could call the shots. Whatever the story was, I would transport myself into it and mold it how I wanted it. I would make myself the heroine, able to take on anything. I was always very athletic, could fight and defeat most guys. Sometimes I had magical abilities, sometimes I was just incredibly smart. I always looked amazing, said the right thing, oozed confidence, and all the guys wanted to marry me. If I wasn’t reading a book, I was daydreaming inside one of the books.

This got to a very scary point. I almost disconnected with reality. Before bed every night, when I was all snuggled up under the covers, I would start imagining myself in one of the stories. This was a good segway between awake and asleep and helped me to fall asleep very fast.

I remember one night I was imagining myself in a magic story, where I was a young magician learning how to properly use magic. I don’t think I ever fell asleep, or maybe I did. But the imagining/dream was different than it ever had been before. It was real. Not in the sense that I was actually a magician, but that in my mind it was real. It was no longer just a fantasy, it was becoming my reality. And while I was going through this storyline in my head, I knew that there was something wrong. I knew that something wasn’t right. There was a battle going on for my mind, spiritual warfare right there in my bedroom. I remember having the worst headache I’d ever had and tossing and turning, trying to break out of the fantasy and get back to the REAL reality. Satan and his demons had a strong hold and tried to keep me locked into that world.

It was tempting. I was already pretty. I didn’t have to worry about being accepted. I always had a witty line to say. Everything was bright and green. I could defeat evil, every time. I had that one guy who loved me and would do anything for me. But God didn’t let me fall into that trap. His angels were fighting for me and used the headache to break me out of the fantasy, to let me know that it wasn’t real, that something wasn’t right. So I fought alongside them and suddenly I bolted upright in my bed, completely awake…free.

I still day dream. I still love reading and escaping for a little while. I still have that storybook romance waiting to be fulfilled. But ever since that night, I’ve never taken it too far. I’ve made sure to spend the majority of my time in the here and now. The here and now where I don’t always know what to say. Where I’m intimidated by women my age. Where I can’t wait for Prince Charming and settle for Prince No Name. Where I don’t seem to stand out at all. But where I have a relationship with God my Father, Lover and Protector and Redeemer of my soul. And that’s all I want.

America Should Read Romans 1

18For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men who suppress the truth in unrighteousness,
19because that which is known about God is evident within them; for God made it evident to them.
20For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.
21For even though they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks, but they became futile in their speculations, and their foolish heart was darkened.
22Professing to be wise, they became fools,
23and exchanged the glory of the incorruptible God for an image in the form of corruptible man and of birds and four-footed animals and crawling creatures.
24Therefore God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonored among them.
25For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural,
27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error.
28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper,
29being filled with all unrighteousness, wickedness, greed, evil; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice; they are gossips,
30slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to parents,
31without understanding, untrustworthy, unloving, unmerciful;
32and although they know the ordinance of God, that those who practice such things are worthy of death, they not only do the same, but also give hearty approval to those who practice them.

The gospel is the power of God and is used to bring salvation to anyone. It reveals the righteousness of God starting in faith and ending in faith. V16, 17

God has been revealed to all mankind since creation. Every aspect of his power and divinity are inherent in creation and every man has had the chance to understand and accept Him. V20
There are those who are unrighteous, who suppress the truth, that do not honor God or give Him thanks, who have dark hearts and futile thinking. They think they are wise but are fools and replaced God with mere symbols and images imitating His creation. V21,22,23

Because these people rejected God, He did not stop the influence of lust to turn their hearts impure. He did not stop them from dishonoring their bodies. He gave them up to their passions, exchanging love with the opposite to love with the same. He did not stop them from receiving the consequences and the curses that quickly follow these sins. He gave them up to their own minds, filled with evil and malice, covetousness and unrighteousness, envy and strife, murder and deceit. They became gossipers, slanderers, liars, thieves, cheaters, murderers, haters of God, insolent, haughty, boastful, foolish, faithless, heartless, ruthless, and worse of all, inventors of evil. Though they understand their punishment, their curse, their death sentence, they continue in their lifestyle and encourage others to do the same. They exchanged God’s truth for lies. They did not see fit to acknowledge their holy Lord and so God let them follow the path they wanted. V24-32

God is not a God of dictatorship. He is not a puppet-master. He will not make someone do what they do not want to do. Those that want to have sex when they want, those that want to feel miserable, those that want to chase the money, those that want to be prideful, those are the people that are allowed to. Where does God stop you from doing so? When has He tied you to your bed so that you cannot get up and go buy drugs? When has He in any way kept you from what you want?

You were arrested? As a consequence of your own actions, doing exactly what you wanted to do! You were in a car wreck? Again, your actions are responsible not God. Will you curse God for Him allowing you to do what you want and so incur the consequences? You think He should let you have sex as much as you want but not actually get AIDS or pregnant? You think you should be able to sit on your butt all day and get promoted in your job?

Have there been instances that you felt God supernaturally working to keep you from pulling the trigger on that gun or from going to that party or from walking to that street corner? That is not a God that keeps you from what you want, that is a God recognizing that you do not truly want that! God knows you inside and out and can feel your hurts. He knows that you are trying to fill holes that you will never be able to fill. He’s trying to save you. Beware that you do not reject His rescues, because you have no guarantee that they will continue to come. Your heart may harden and His voice may fade away.

Fighting for Sanity

“I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know. Where the tree tops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells on the snow. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, with every Christmas card I write. May your days be merry and bright. And may all your Christmases be white.”

Christmas really is the perfect time of year for me. It’s when hope is renewed, faith is strong, love is abundant, and cinnamon finds itself into everything we eat or drink. It’s happy time, you can’t stop the good feelings and the laughter and the community and the friendships from flourishing. I’m ready for this season in my life again. You’d think that you would hit an all-time low and then recover and never face it again. Which I guess is true, I’m just pretty good at finding new all-time lows. Lucky me, right?

I’m still working this latest one out. It’s hard to work from the end to the beginning, to start with my emotions and my reactions and work backwards to figure out the reasons behind them. It’s very disconcerting to be sad or angry and tired or frustrated and have no idea why. There’s always a little voice in my head going “Really? Why?”

My only solution is to change my surroundings. Maybe I’m depressed because I’m always alone. I never see my roommate, I’m awake when everyone is asleep, and my only human interactions are with my coworkers at work. So I’ve moved back home with my family to see if that doesn’t help. I never appreciated my family when I lived with them, mainly because they weren’t my family then. They were the people I co-existed with. Now that I want them to be my family, I’ve found it difficult to re-connect with them since I live so far away and have such a hectic schedule. Living at home doesnt change my schedule. In fact, it makes my life a little more complicated I think because it’s farther away from work. But I think it’s worth it to come home to people, to have my sisters dying to tell me what happened that day, to have my brother beg for me to play Transformers with him, to be able to moan and complain about my day to my dad and have him laugh about it with me. It’s worth it to have people waiting for me every day, wondering when I’m coming home, asking what I’m doing later that day.

Scott asked me today if he could be the ring bearer for my wedding. I asked him why he would ask me that and he said “because you’re getting married soon.” Even my little 8 year old brother knows how desperately I desire to have my own family. Part of my moving out of the house was to create my own family and I’ve tried to do so by joining other families, being a mother to as many as I could, seeking dating relationships, and gathering together a “college” family. But these families didn’t last, and while I still value all the friendships I accumulated, they aren’t a daily reality anymore.

Maybe instead of looking for a new family, I should enjoy and develop the one I was born in.

Ramblings

There are so many demons to fight. So many lessons to learn and implement, so many skills to use and streets to navigate. It’s overwhelming, it’s underwhelming. It’s too much and way too little. It’s real and it’s fake, imagination and reality. To be lonely is hard. To be lonely in a room of hundreds of people is suffocating. It’s debilitating. It’s demoralizing. It’s degrading. It’s easy to mask, easy to hide. But then again it’s hard. So very very hard.

To pretend is what you have to do to survive. Because once you stop pretending, then the loneliness is not only a part of your reality, it’s a part of your identity. It becomes who you are, a self-fulfilling prophecy. A never-ending cycle that you can’t pull out of. A hole that you can’t fill, a vacuum of space that stops time while you are crushed with the pain. You want to reach out your hand but don’t have the strength to. You’re fully aware and yet fully deceived. You know the heroes among you, you can recognize their power. But your fear to alienate keeps you back. Your fear to be identified as the desperate, needy, clingy, drowning individual that you are keeps you from seeking help. You want the healthy to want to visit you in the psych ward. You want someone to see that you just want a friend. You’re tired of filling your life and your bed with people who don’t really care about you. You’re tired of seeking friendships with people who are just as screwed up as you are.

So you pray and you pray and you pray that God will send you help. That He will rescue you. And you try and seek after Him every second of every day, to fill those empty holes with His presence. But it is increasingly harder and it is increasingly easier to be distracted by the nonsense around you. It’s easier to send a txt than it is to pray. It’s easier to feel safe when you sleep with arms around you than when you read a verse. Not even the peace of God lasts you. It too fades away and you have to be re-charged, just like the empty friendships that come and go. It’s no wonder you pray so earnestly for that spouse. Because once he comes, the waiting is over. You’ll finally have someone who loves you. But God loves you? It’s a truth that cannot be denied…but hard to realize. What is love? Is it possible to be loved but not feel like it? Is it then my fault that I don’t feel loved?

How can I feel when my very skin is numb, when I’m floating in empty space where sound and light and warmth can’t survive. There’s nothing above or behind me, below or in front of me. There is no up or down or left or right. The joystick is broken and there is no going home. It’s just how things are. This is reality. You don’t miss comforts when you have never experienced them. You forget about how good a bed feels when you’ve slept on the ground for years. You adapt to your surroundings and become thankful for the days you aren’t insane. Because who says love exists when you can’t see it? It’s all around us, it changes peoples lives, it’s all there is, it’s in the DNA of every molecule of life and unlife. Love is not real until it punches you in the face.

Learning to Lean

The past few months have been pretty cool God-wise. Little by little, our relationship is growing from acquaintances to good friends. I’m really starting to realize how much He cares for me. I can feel His love for people overwhelming me at times, which is new for me. I’ve always been empathetic or wanted to help people but never before have I started crying just because I’m so happy about who a person is or proud of what they are doing…even people I don’t really know. I feel God’s presence a lot more often now…it’s pretty cool, it’s like God taps me on the shoulder just to remind me He’s still here and in my head I always say “oh hey God” or “oh hey Jesus”…like our own little joke .

I’ve gotten pretty consistent about doing a little time in the morning with Him, although I’m still working on the whole discipline thing. I’m done with Proverbs 31 woman so now I’m reading through Celebration of Discipline again as my bible study, because I still haven’t gotten it lol. I read my Oswald Chambers, a little excerpt from My Princess (this little book that has letters from The King to His Princess, based on a certain verse in scripture…ministers directly to my heart everytime, just like God was talking to me right now.) and read a little of the Bible as well. That’s usually all I have time for, that and prayer, before I have to rush off to work.

Paul, the owner of the company I work for, had a heart attack a few days ago. I walked into work and he was in the process of having it right then, firefighters were walking in behind me. I’ve never had anyone I know or care for even go to the hospital for something possibly life-threatening so I was completely freaked out. I tried to hold it together as much as I could but when Paul was leaving he gave me a hug and told me not to worry and I couldn’t stop from crying, I had to go to the back and try and compose myself. He’s doing ok, but the doctor said if he doesn’t get rest and stop his workaholic lifestyle, he’ll die. So everyone in the company is stepping up and taking charge of different aspects so he can stay at home and sleep. Eric took his car so he can’t go anywhere and everyone has been ordered not to call or txt him and not to respond to him if he calls or txts us. That was a disappointment to me because I really wanted to send him encouraging txts, to let him know I cared for him and am praying and such. But I found a way around it I asked God to give me encouraging verses or words for Paul and I’ve been writing them on little cards and mailing them to him. I don’t sign them, so they’re anonymous. I like it better that way, I know I have that desire deep in my flesh to get recognition for things I do and instead I just want to hear that my cards really helped him in a dark point of his life.
So as manager, I’m going to be at the store all the time now. I gotta pick up all the shifts that can’t be covered until we hire some more staff. So in just an hour or so I will be opening it up and I think I work all the way until close.

One thing I love about my job is the people I meet and the relationships I form. At our company meeting, Tiffany said it best by saying that we never know the impact we might have on someone. I want to have an impact! We have a regular that everyone calls Granny and she told Tiffany that she keeps coming back because she knows that she is cared for here. Just thinking about it now brings tears to my eyes because that is exactly how I want everyone who walks through our doors to feel. That store is my home, and everyone who comes in is my guest. I want to do everything I can to make them feel comfortable and I want to listen to them and hear their hearts and encourage and equip them for their day or their week as much as I can. The past few days, Oswald Chambers has been talking about how Christ is supposed to flow living rivers through us and that we seek a strong relationship with Him, not so that we can benefit but so that these rivers constantly flow through us and affect everyone around us. That’s what I want! And I think that’s what I’ve been feeling, in small doses, the past month or so. Oswald says to “never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ-not emotion or experience-nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.”

That’s one reason I told Michael we couldn’t date anymore. I don’t think an occasional date is bad but we were moving towards a relationship and I was already starting to shirk responsibilities a little bit at work, spending my extra time with him rather than my family or developing my relationship with God like I wanted, and we had already fallen to temptation a couple times. The whole thing was taking my focus off of helping Paul out with the company and trying to really understand this whole relationship with a Being who isn’t physical (ps, those of us with the love language of touch…how does God fulfill that?! I can understand Him fulfilling those with words of affirmation or gifts or service or something but what about physical touch?). He wasn’t very happy about it and tried to convince me otherwise. I’m pretty sure he’s still mad at me, but I just hope he understands in time.

I’ve been looking for some good praise verses in the Bible because I have started to want to praise God when I pray. Like just tell Him how awesome He is. And I feel like I get stuck in the same kind of things to say and I can’t branch out. Today I ready Ephesians 1:15-20 and I liked that…I might memorize that one. If anyone knows of some more, let me know!
I’m not giving up on my ministry ideas…I’m just having to postpone a little bit. Beto is having to postpone as well, he’s working on making Kidridge freaking awesome at TCAL. But I’m really excited to see it happen!

Warren Samuels spoke at TCAL this morning. I really miss that man. He and Paul have such an authentic passion for God and what He’s doing…it’s so refreshing and inspiring. I miss being with both of them. Hopefully I’ll be able to invest some time in them in the next few weeks. It’s hard because there are so many people that I haven’t seen in forever that I really want to hang out with. Maybe I should make a list? That might make it easier lol.

One of Many Struggles

It’s so hard. It never seems to get easier. How can I open myself up to someone I barely know? How can they expect me to? And then how can they be mad when I finally do? How can they reject me for who I am? Isn’t that what you wanted? To know who I am? Why else would you ask? Do you want me to just tell you what you want to know, what makes you feel good? Because I can do that. I know exactly what you want to hear.

Is it my fault that I’m confused? That maybe I think I should get to know somebody well before I start deciding I really like them? Should I not be upset if the level of physical is not equal to the level of emotional intimacy? Am I supposed to be ok with skipping over several important aspects and steps in a dating relationship?

How dare you.

Year of the Bible

Before reading my post, please refer to this news article:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/politico/20090522/pl_politico/22832

So, the question is do I as a Christian support this bill to make a “year of the Bible” recognized by the federal government?

The answer is no. Emphatically no. Is it a nice endeavor? I believe so. It would be fantastic if instead of having to prove ourselves at every nook and cranny in the federal system if they could give us a little recognition. Is this good timing? Absolutely not. Are there more important things the Christians in Congres should be focusing on? Heaven yes.

This is not good timing because of all the decisions Congress needs to make about our country and the direction it is headed in. We are living in an economic crisis, and if the government doesn’t take action we will continue to decline and no longer be the world power we are currently (although no matter what, we will be surpassed by China, India, and Japan shortly anyway). Healthcare is a mess, social security a joke, and companies having to fire most employees or shut down. Everyone’s job, home, and economic wellbeing is hanging in the balance. This being so, it is absolutely irresponsible to be putting all your time and energy into passing a bill that doesn’t change anything really. It will be considered the “year of the Bible”, it does not promise more federal recognition for Christianity, does not ensure that the Christian message will be spoken louder, received more, or will be more generally accepted around the world.

It’s just something that conservative Christian groups will be able to point to and say “see what we’re doing for the kingdom!” when in reality, they’ve brought the kingdom down. Christians have to understand that God’s kingdom is not limited to the “religious”. God’s kingdom is just as much found in our healthcare or federal government as it is found in prayer at schools or crisis pregnancy centers. Dualistic Christianity tends to put things such as this Bible bill and fighting against abortion and things like this as more important for the kingdom, more holy than the environment or the economy or anything else not specifically a conservative Christian concern.
Political Christians are the worst examples I know of a Christian, even worse than the Hypocrite Christian. Not that I’m saying they are “bad” Christians, because all of us are “bad” Christians. All of us still sin, all of us make mistakes. Hypocrite Christians are dualistic thinkers, separating to the extreme the secular and the sacred. They tend to be very gnostic in their thinking, believing it to be ok to engage in whatever activities here on earth as long as they are dedicated to being at church on Sunday and “keeping their mind pure”. Of course, the rest of the world recognizes this as false and is just disgusted with these “Christians” that don’t live what they preach. Political Christians are similar to the Hypocrite Christian except they take a political platform that is a noble platform, such as stopping abortion to save babies lives, and make it their holy duty to push it as far as they can go. These Christians are willing to die for it, that’s how emphatic they are. They’ll picket anywhere they must, they’ll support any bill they can, they’ll talk on any conservative talk radio show about the evils of abortion clinics, they’ll forego their jobs and their families and their obligations because it’s what God has called them to.
Yes, abortion is wrong. I don’t think there’s much question about that. But these political Christians have stopped to see anything other than the position they champion. In the case of abortion, they have forgotten about the mothers that are getting abortions. In their attempt to save the lives of these babies, they are destroying the lives of these women. Who wants to go to church or listen to any type of Christian when you have already been destroyed by a group of Christians?

Our focus is on the wrong things. We have to be culturally relevant Christians and right now the most culturally relevant thing we can do is to engage in the economic discussion. We should be part of the solution, not part of the group beating a dead horse. In light of everything our country is going through, of all the answers that the people need, is there really any point to having a “year of the Bible”? What purpose does it serve, other than us getting a feather in our cap? We should be looking to serve our country rather than to serve our own agenda. I find it much more likely that we will have a “year of the Bible” after prominent Christians lead the church in answering the healthcare and environment and economy questions than after those same Christians fight to the death for this one silly bill.
Be a help, not a hindrance.

Prone to Wander

It’s been a long time since my first post about seeking God’s will for my life right now. I remember that first day I felt so excited, so sure that God had huge things planned for me and I was so ready to embark on that journey right then. But I didn’t continue in that fashion. I became distracted by my new boyfriend, by the relationships I was building, by the importance I felt when asked to be the preschool Sunday School teacher. I grew lazy with my schoolwork, I didn’t keep up a lot of friendships that were important to me, I selfishly pursued only that which benefited me directly and immediately. But most importantly, I discontinued my walk with Christ.

I didn’t read the Bible on my own anymore. I was more likely to skip a church service. I didn’t listen to my mp3 player, full of my favorite God-glorifying music, and I found more joy in watching movies than I did in talking with my Saviour. I found that suddenly I had no time for devotions, no time for fasting or meditation. Where I had previously been zealous for the spiritual disciplines, they ceased to even cross my mind. My prayers were few and far between and never in depth, always quickly-worded, never sincere or heart felt, and never about someone else. My thoughts seemed to revolve around the here and now and how I could take full advantage of it.

But God does not let His people leave Him. There is not one prodigal son He does not accept with open arms, not one lost sheep He doesn’t rescue and not one lost coin He doesn’t search the world over for. And not one Sarah Beth He doesn’t let ignore Him or His calling. It amazes me how utterly wrapped up in myself I can become, with God every calling me to Himself and I can’t hear any of it. It’s not until God completely shakes my world up that I snap out of it and realize that I’ve gotten so lost I don’t know which way is up.

But even as God turns my world upside down, He is loving me. He yanks me out of the street, not to hurt me, but to save me. His mercies are ever new and His love never ends. Everything He does is for His kingdom and for His glory and it is in my best interest to work towards that goal as well. He is there to support me as my emotions go for a roller coaster ride and He is forever supplying all my needs because I can’t in my own power take care of myself.
Take my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for Thy courts above.