My King, My Husband

I preface this entire post with this...I did not, repeat did not finish the movie Tristan and Isolde. So my observations and thoughts provoked since watching the first parts of the movie are not based on the ending...which I know nothing about.

So on to my post.

I watched Tristan and Isolde for the first time last night. And by watched, I mean I got angry and turned it off. It's supposed to be a love story right? Supposed to be romantic right?

It's full of lust and selfishness. Full of desire and wants and pleasures, thoughts of what one deserves. The main thought I had about it was "I deserve to be happy, so I have the right to pursue it."


Not love. Not love at all. Love is patient. Tristan and Isolde were impatient for the next time they would see each other, for the next stolen moment, for the next passionate encounter. Love is kind. Tristan was not kind in his words to Isolde, claiming that she enjoyed her marriage to the king rather than pining for him. Isolde was not kind in that she continued to pull on him and his heart, to try and make him forsake everything to "love" her. Love does not envy. Tristan was extremely envious of Isolde and the king. Love is not proud. Tristan and Isolde were consumed with pride, thinking themselves far above the social implications of their affair. Considering their love pure and right and good while the king's love for Isolde meant nothing. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Tristan and Isolde kept their "love" in hiding, meeting each other in secret. Sin grows in darkness and pales in light.

My idea of a correct way to handle the horrible dilemma that Tristan and Isolde found themselves in is this. Tristan is tormented by the fact that he has to give his love in marriage to his king and adopted father. He should have been completely honest with the king from the beginning, when he arrived. He should have taken the king aside and brought him into his confidence. He should have respected his king that much, instead of hiding his feelings and pain inside. His king was a good king. He would have received his son in love, listened to what he said, and come up with a wise way to handle the situation.

There's a whole list of things that happened in that movie that I think were handled completely the wrong way. But we won't get into all of that. I will say, however, that this is the crap that girls and women buy into all over the world, that Tristan and Isolde "love" each other and that they are entitled to the same "love" and should pursue it no matter what anyone tells them or what their obligations are.

On to my point.

I started thinking about how I would handle things if I was in Isolde's place. What if I found myself being married to someone I didn't know, while being in love with another man? The temptation to hold on to the man I love would be intense, and my stranger husband would seem that much more strange. In fact, I would ignore my husband as much as possible and just wait for the time when I could be with my lover.

Isn't that just like my relationship with my King? Isn't He my Husband? And before I knew Him, didn't I have many many lovers? And don't I find that I still long for the passionate embraces of those lovers, rather than for the loving arms of my Husband and my King?

Isolde didn't know what she had in her husband. She couldn't see that this man loved her for who she is. That he would do anything to make her happy, that he longed to be involved in her life, to be let into her thoughts and her world. And don't forget that he was the KING.

And aren't I exactly the same? Don't I forget who my King and Husband is all the time? I long for romance and He pursued me for 20 years. I long for companionship and He never leaves me. I long for someone to take care of me and He has never let me go hungry. I long for peace and He brings rest to my soul.

How evil is my heart and how desperate are its ways.

I ignore my Husband and King and focus on the time when I can meet with one of my lovers. I stop being a wife, I don't talk to Him, I don't love Him, I don't do things for Him. I sit in our house, surrounded by dirty dished and laundry, everything covered in dust while He lavishes me with gifts of the most expensive and rare kind and all I do is keep my eyes peeled to the window, for my lover to give me the signal to come out and meet him.

God is Love. Love stays with me no matter what I do. Love not only puts up with me, Love wants me to love back. Love wants me to turn away from my lovers and find real Love. Love never fails.

Today vs. The Early Church

I've been reading through Acts and I can't help but compare the early church with today's church. Or rather, with churches I grew up in. Churches I've attended or visited. Churches I've heard about. Churches I've heard complained about. Churches I've heard praised about.

What about the early church is so different? Why doesn't the current church seem to have the same power as the early church? Why is it the current church seems to struggle to keep believers coming? Should we strive to look more like the early church, or has the church changed because times have changed? Is the early church outdated and superfluous?

I see one big difference between the early church and today. The Holy Spirit. Maybe I just grew up in a Baptist church, but I never remember the Holy Spirit being taught in Sunday School, preached from the pulpit, or even referred to. Like the black sheep, awkward mystical 2nd cousin of the family of God, it seems easier to ignore and carry on life with the much easier to understand and containable God and Jesus Christ ( how ironic). Take no notice of the Holy Spirit behind the curtain.

The Holy Spirit is power. That is made evident throughout the Bible.

Then the Spirit of the LORD rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done.

-Judges 14:6

The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.

-Genesis 1:2

But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit

-Matthew 1:20

"I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.

-Matthew 3:11

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you will be my witness in Jerusalem, in all Judea, in Samaria and to the end of the earth.

- Acts 1:8

I think the thing churches today are missing is boldness, boldness from the power of the Holy Spirit, made available to us through Christ, from the Father.

When was the last time you saw the Holy Spirit fill a church after prayer and lead the believers to do something crazy for His kingdom?

When was the last time people in your church sold their possessions and gave the proceeds to the church to be distributed to the needs of the believers?

How many needy, struggling, hurting people do you see in your church? Or do you think that there are none?

How many of those people do you see yourself or fellow believers selflessly reaching out to?

That’s the Holy Spirit y’all.

The Holy Spirit moves us. When we have the Holy Spirit inside us, we can’t help but move out, we can’t help but witness, we can’t help but boldly proclaim the gospel.

We’re so quick to judge street evangelists. I think we might even hate them. We say they misrepresent us, they preach fire and brimstone instead of love and acceptance. We say that God is love and so these people are leading the masses away from Christ and towards a false god.

Let’s be honest. We condemn what we do not understand. We have never been that bold. We have never put ourselves up in front of hundreds of people we don’t know and loudly proclaimed who we trust in, who we love, who our devotion is towards. We condemn street evangelists because we don’t have an accurate understanding of the gospel ourselves.

Because the gospel calls us to repent. The gospel tells us that we killed Jesus. The gospel tells us that we are broken and evil and weak without Christ to save us, without God to guide us, without the Spirit to fill us. The gospel tells us to turn from our sin, to repent, and to fully surrender and obey God. The gospel tells us to willfully accept slavery to God. To become nothing so that He becomes everything. To obey without question, without complaint, without understanding.

We preach love and acceptance because it’s easy. It’s easier to tell someone “God loves you” than it is to tell them “You are evil.” It’s easier to tell people that as long as they love God, everything will be ok than to tell them “you can’t love God, you can’t love people, you can’t even control whether you live or die”. It’s easier to pretend than it is to deal with the truth.

Where is our boldness? Why do we hide?

Church, rise up! You are the bride of Christ and yet you diminish His power. You pretend like He’s your little pocket Jesus. You ignore Him until your weekly visit on Sunday. It’s all about you and your comfort and your entertainment and your personal success and it is NOTHING about His kingdom, His glory, His call on your life.

Because He’s calling you. He’s yelling for you. He’s screaming for you. He’s whispering in your ear.

And you drive to work every morning. You swing by Starbucks on your break. You go home and watch tv. You eat dinner with friends or family. You go out on the weekend. You plan vacations and trips. You pay bills. You attend church services.

And Christ has nothing to do with any of it. The Holy Spirit isn’t invading your life. The Lord your God is a passing thought to you.

Wake up Church.

Snap out of it.

Unplug your programming.

Surrender your robot lifestyle.

Let’s speak with boldness the gospel.

Cry Out

"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."
- John 6:63

Life can suck. Life can suck bad. But something I'm starting to realize, or something that God is making known to me, is that life really doesn't suck.

I'm just filling my life and my heart and my mind with things that tear me apart.

I'm learning that life in the Spirit is real life and life in the flesh is shallow, it's paperthin, it rips and tears and disintegrates at the merest disturbance.

Life in the Spirit takes everything in stride, is filled with the peace of God, and is able to minister and love people despite the chaos surrounding it.

Life in the flesh is broken by everything, is filled with worry and strife and despair, and can't focus on anything but it's own pain.

True inner peace is impossible unless it is receved from Jesus.
- Oswald Chambers

Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God, because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself.
- Oswald Chambers

When a person confers with Jesus Christ, the confusion stops, because there is no confusion in Him.
- Oswald Chambers

Thank You for Your mercy, to shake my world and show me where my allegiance, where my trust lay. Thank You that You can't let me flail around on my own strength, that You want me trusting in You and following You and filled with Your peace. Thank You that You aren't content with me running around doing my own thing, that You push me to bring You glory

Desperate

It's coming for you. You know it's there. It never leaves. When you wake up, as soon as those chemicals around your brain recede and allow your consciousness to enter the real world, exiting the dream world, it's sitting waiting to pounce.

It wants your soul. It wants your heart. It wants to devour you. It's waiting and waiting and waiting for you to succumb just one fraction of a centimeter.

You're worthless.

You're ugly.

No one wants you.

It doesn't care what your plans are. It doesn't care that you have to go to work today. It doesn't care that you have to see people all day.

It's reduced you to a miserable puddle of tears. Your cries rise louder and louder and doesn't seem to be heard by anyone.

You're sleeping with your teddy bear again. Wrapped so tightly around him that you're glad he doesn't have respiratory system because he wouldn't be breathing if he did. You're holding onto him as tightly as you can, maybe trying to squeeze the pain out. Maybe trying to forget. Maybe just holding on to sanity as hard as you can.

The pain is a dark hole that you teeter on the edge of constantly. All it takes is one little push, and you're consumed.

Lord, I thought I trusted You. I thought I was embracing Your plans. I know You told me not to but God I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would feel this far from You. I didn't know that it would be waiting to get me, that it would chase me down, that it would attack every single part of me.

Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Lord I'm so desperate. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't withstand it. I can't fight it. Lord I have no defeneses. I'm a 3 year old girl clinging desperately to her teddy bear, eyes squeezed shut, just praying that the demons will go away.

I know You have plans for my life. I know that these plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. I know these plans give me a future. I know that You are brought the glory when I follow the lead You give me. I know that there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. God, where is the morning? Bring it soon Lord. Send your angels to protect me from attack Lord, because I am succumbing. I am being defeated.

This is the Alamo and the enemy is storming in.

Lord help me.

Baptism

This Sunday I'll be getting baptized by Kyle Raney, pastor of Portico, the church plant I have been a part of the past several months. I've invited friends and family because this is a huge moment for me and I want to share it with everyone who has ever made an impact in my life.

Those who have known me a while are probably aware that I've been baptized before...a lot, actually. I've lost count of how many times I've walked down the aisle. How many times I felt emotional during a sermon and responded to "the call". How many times I've sat down with a "counselor" to talk about the decision I just made.

It has been a very long road to salvation for me. 20 years long. When I was real small, about 4 years old, I remember laying in my bed during a thunder storm and being scared. But then I heard God speak to me and comfort me and I wasn't afraid anymore. I remember being in awe, certain in my heart for the first time that God is real and He is powerful.

For years and years I pointed to that as my salvation point. All those times when you have to give your testimony, to prove your a Christian in order to participate in mission projects and such, this is always the story I gave.

I spent my life from 4 years old all the way through high school living a lie. A lie that I myself believed. My salvation was works-based. I didn't have an understanding of the gospel. My God was not personal, was not with me in everything. I did everything my way, not His way. Satan had me all wrapped up in His lies and my own lies. Reality was skewed, desperately so. I had so many verses memorized, but none of them pierced the darkness I lived in.

Sin was so prevalent. I worshiped it, although I wasn't aware of it. I can remember specific times when I told Satan that if he could give me what I wanted, I would follow him instead of God.

He always gave me what I wanted, and cut me down with more despair than I could handle.

Satan had me completely going the opposite direction of God, although from the outside it looked like I was your typical good little Christian girl. I was at all the church events. I knew all the right things to say. I knew all the right things to do. I thought I was a Christian.

But I was so broken. I was so enslaved inside my own head. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was going to drown.

Fast forward to college. God got me away from everything I knew, friends, family, church etc. That is when I finally began to realize that the way I had been living wasn't reality. God began to talk to my heart and my head, revealing small lies that I had believed for so long. I started to see that God isn't distant, He's right here with me.

I started to learn the Gospel. I started to feel God's pull on my heart and on my life. I still did what I wanted, and prolonged the process, but God never let me go. He just quietly broke me until I couldn't run anymore.

September 28th. The longing in my heart grew too huge. I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed Christ. I needed God. I couldn't go on living without Him.

Some friends had seen my desire for Christ and had been ministering to me the weeks leading up to September 28th. They answered questions I had about the Holy Spirit and challenged me to not be afraid, but ask for the Holy Spirit to come. I still thought I was a Christian and so did they. We thought this was simply a call for the Holy Spirit to fall down.

How can you know the subconscious desires of your heart? When I prayed, all of a sudden I thought I would suffocate because I stopped breathing. My desire for God, for Christ, to sit at His feet, to fall down before Him, to worship Him before the world grew so great that it overwhelmed me. I had been suppressing it with the lies I had believed for so long.

I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried. I was so lost in my despair over my lost life, over my sin, over my inability to save myself, and so desperate for Christ that I don't remember what I did during that time, whether it was a few minutes or hours. Mama Jo, who was with me, told me later that I fell to the ground like I was dead. She said she didn't know whether to leave me alone or make sure I was ok. (I think that's funny btw, ha-larious).

Since that point, Christ has been teaching me how to fall in love with Him. I finally understand the gospel and have a burning desire to share it with people. God has finally become THE focus of my life and I am finally fully surrendered to Him.

Recently God whispered to my heart about baptism. I have shied away from the topic, since I've been baptized a bazillion times and its kind of embarrassing for me. But this time it is right. This time it's a public testimony to everyone of 20 years of running and God finally chasing me down.

I hope you can make it.

Blue Screen of Death

When the Son of God prays, He is mindful and consciously aware of only His Father.
- Oswald Chambers

I'm not always aware of my Father. We are called to pray continuously, so I'm assuming that also means being consciously aware of God too. I wish I was. But there's so much rattling around in my brain. Things to do. Memories. Wishes. Hopes. Dreams. Stresses. Pictures. Videos. Movies. Facebook. Books. Philosophies. Patterns of thinking. Plans. And then plain old subconscious riff raff that pops in every now and then.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels crazy sometimes. Is my head really supposed to act like this? Is there a delete button somewhere? Can I at least organize all this crap into folders and only have to deal with them when I open the folder?

My desktop is full of icons and has about 2398472384729 popups appearing at any given second. No wonder my brain freezes up. I don't have the RAM for this!

Simplicity is what I long for. It's like my own personal utopia. Even as I grab for more and more things to complicate and fill up my life, my inner soul just cries out simply for Jesus.

Our ordinary abilities will never worship God unless they are transformed by the indwelling Son of God. We must make sure that our human flesh is kept in perfect submission to Him, allowing Him to work through it moment by moment Are we living at such a level of human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being exhibited moment by moment in us?
- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord"
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Plastic surgery? Heart transplant.

Am I allowing His holy innocence, simplicity, and oneness with the Father the chance to exhibit itself in me?

Am I simple enough to identify myself with the Lord in this way?

Is He having His wonderful way with me?

Is God's will being fulfilled in that His son has been formed in me, or have I carefully pushed Him to one side?

Is the Son of God praying in me, bringing honor to the Father, or am I dictating my demands to Him?

Is He ministering in me as He did in the time of His manhood here on earth?

Is God's son in me going through His passion, suffering so that His own purposes might be fulfilled?

- Oswald Chambers

I'm not sure how to answer these questions. When I think back to December, when God first called me to this year long committment and I remember how I felt, how I thought, what I expected for the year, how determined I was, it's almost like another person. I have definitely wandered. I have definitely been distracted. I have definitely wandered off the beaten path more than a few times.

It makes me wonder if there is still time. The year is more than halfway over. My inclination right now is to kick it into overdrive, to make up for what was lacking the past few months. Work like crazy to earn my spot in heaven again. Got to prove that I'm worth it. Got to prove that I can do it. Got to prove that I'm not worthless, that I'm not a failure.

"He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption."
- 1 Corinthians 1:30

Continually learning that it is not myself anymore, but it is Him. Learning to swallow my pride, learning to bite my tongue, learning to release my anger/bitterness/hatred of people for what they've "done" to me and instead ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the characteristics of Christ.

Mold me. Change me. Reconstruct me. Until there is nothing left of myself, kill my flesh and burn away the chaff. Let this not be a simple plastic surgery that is quick and easy, has no recovery time, and only affects the surface of my life. Lord, take it to the root of the problem. Cut out my heart and the dead flesh around it and replace it with Your healthy, beating, beautiful Heart. Give me Your Son.

Stress

The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.

It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.

Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.

Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.

I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.

But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18

I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.

God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.

Following God Despite Bleeding from Your Uterus

I started off today's God time completely in the wrong mood, and I knew it. I finally started my period today after days of my body telling me "it's now, it's now!". I've been in that state of being that all women are aware of when people keep telling you to calm down and you scream back "I AM CALM!". It's a fun island to live on for a week or two at a time.

I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.

When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.

So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.

Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.

I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.

The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?

I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.

So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.

Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.

"Seeking to do the will of the Father was one of the dominating concerns throughout our Lord's life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose."

"The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God's purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own."

"We have no idea what God's goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."

"The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God."

- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31