Luke 4

Luke 4:1-13

First off, I just think it's cool that Jesus was "full of the Holy Spirit" and was "led by the Holy Spirit". He was so fully man that He needed to be lead by God's presence through the Holy Spirit. Just like us, He had to be filled with the Holy Spirit for God to work through Him. Just like us, Jesus had to commune with His Father, He had to make the conscious decision to love Him.

Also interesting that it was only AFTER 40 days of not eating that Jesus became hungry. Was it because He was so entranced with His Father that He didn't even notice His hunger pains? Did He not have any hunger pains at all? Either way, after those 40 days I bet those hunger pains were vicious.

Also interesting that it says the devil was with Him all those 40 days, tempting him. But it doesn't tell us what those temptations are, only the last 3 after the 40 days. It must have taken an extreme force of will for Jesus to stay focused on God for 40 days while the devil himself is there tempting Him. I guess that's why He didn't notice that He was hungry!

When the devil tells Jesus that because He's the Son of God, He can turn the stones all around them into bread and eat some I can't help but think "Duh." It seems like such a silly and useless temptation. I imagine Jesus saying "Oh well thank you for revealing to me the full scale of my power in God. I wasn't aware I could turn these stones into bread, and here I've been starving for 40 days for nothing." You know? It just seems so ridiculous. And all Christ says in return is "The Scriptures say we do not live on bread alone." Which is so much more "bad ass", if Christ is allowed to be "bad ass" that is. It's like a knife straight through to Satan's heart (does he have one btw?). Jesus is telling Satan that He doesn't even care about eating because communing with God is so much more fulfilling and satiating and desirable and freaking AWESOME that simply eating is so passe. It's like eating is a let down after 40 days of straight God time. Jesus is reminding Satan of what He experiences every day and what Satan gave up. I think Satan is torn up, I think he has this immense passion and desire for God that burns hotter than any desire we have ourselves and instead of embracing it and throwing himself straight into it to be burned up, he hates it. He despises it. He keeps it burning and he keeps the pain present because he wants to hate it. It is the fuel behind all his evil in the world. But at the same time, it is something he wants more than anything...to be fully and totally surrendered to God.

After the food temptation, Satan shows Jesus all the empires and kingdoms and rulers of the past and of the future and tells Him that He can have it all...if He worships Satan. Can anyone else picture Jesus as a Satanist? Sacrificing goats, painting blood all over the place, black lipstick, heavy eyeshadow, lip piercing? No? I didn't think so either. It's so utterly ludicrous, I have to wonder at Satan's powers of analyzing. He's effectively saying "Here Jesus, see all these kingdoms from way back then and for in the future? I will totally give you all the power that entails if you just get on your face before me." And Jesus goes "I knew about all these kingdoms before you even thought about falling from heaven. I am the deciding force behind all these kingdoms and am the one who gives them all their power. I created you from nothing and even now, in your rebellion and hatred of myself, even now I completely and totally control and own you. I have all the power of heaven and earth at my very fingertips and soon every knee will bow and every tongue confess that I am Lord and I will destroy this heaven and earth in favor of a new heaven and earth far greater than this one ever will be. And you want me to lay down before you?" After which I imagine Jesus laughing like its the best joke He's ever heard (Btw, does God laugh at jokes, since He created them all?) So that's how I would imagine Jesus answering...Or it's how I would answer for Him, if someone posed the question to me. But that's not how Jesus answers. He just simply says "Scriptures say to worship God alone." Maybe all the things I thought would have been good to say are all inherent in that little sentence.

Finally Satan takes Jesus up high and is getting tired of Jesus continually quoting Scripture at him, so he throws his own scriptures in there and says "Throw yourself down since the Scriptures say the angels will save you." Does Satan think Jesus is an adrenaline junkie or something? Go ahead, throw yourself off a cliff just to see what happens. You're God, the angels have to save you and it'll be awesome! Satan's argument doesn't even make sense to me...Scriptures say that the angels will save you...ok, that doesn't mean you go putting yourself in danger just to try it out! Which is effectively what Jesus tells him, "The Scriptures say do not test the Lord".

The best part? That last sentence...it says Satan retreats for a more "opportune time". Like he's hiding from God and laying in wait to pounce when God least expects it.

Luke 4:14
"And Jesus returned in the power of the Holy Spirit to Galilee"

Luke 4:16-30

This next section is when Jesus goes back to his hometown of Nazareth. He has been on a teaching/preaching trip, going from town to town and entering their synagogue and preaching from the Scriptures. So He does the same thing in Nazareth and quotes "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Then He tells all the people in the synagogue that He is the fulfillment of that scripture.

And everyone just kind of looks at him like "Are you crazy". How weird would it be to have someone you grew up with, went to school with, sat at lunch with for years and years tell you that they fulfill scripture? You played soccer with them and saw them pick their nose and eat glue and puke from eating too much birthday cake...and now you're saying you're the Son of God? Get out of here. It wouldn't make sense, it wouldn't compute. It makes me really wonder how Jesus was before He started His ministry. The gospels are very good at giving us a clear picture of Jesus during and after His ministry, but what about before? How did he go through puberty? How did He treat the boys and girls His age? How did He talk to His parents and other adults? How did He work at His school? What things interested Him, got Him excited? How did He deal with bullies and people who wanted to fight or argue or challenge Him? How did He treat the girls who had crushes on Him?

Jesus then tells the people gathered that prophets are never accepted in their hometown, pointing back to Elijah and Elisha and how they had to go far from their town or their people to be able to minister the hand of God.

And for whatever reason this pisses everyone off. To the point where they drove Jesus out of the synagogue and out of the town and to the edge of a cliff, where they were going to throw Him over the edge and kill him.

Goodness.

Humans are insane.

I've tried to picture what it would look like to drive Jesus out of a synagogue and a town. Did Jesus run? Did they push Him over and over and over until they got Him out? Did they grab Him by the arms and hustle Him out? Did they pick Him up and carry Him above their heads? Was He caught up in the crowd and forced along? Did they hit him?

And then when the whole crowd (probably the whole town) got to the edge of the cliff, Jesus just disappears.

"But passing through their midst, He went away."

Which begs the question...why not do that at the beginning? Why let the crowd run you out of the synagogue and town? Why endure the shoving and pushing and hitting?

Luke 4:41

Jesus has just healed Simon's mother and is in her home, enjoying her hospitality, and receiving all the sick and demon possessed people of the area. Why does Jesus tell all the demons that come out of these people to be quiet and not to proclaim who He is?

"But He rebuked them and would not allow them to speak, because they knew that He was the Christ."

Is it a secret or something?

Luke4:42

"And when it was day, he departed and went into a desolate place."

I like that Jesus life is such a model for ourselves. He did everything just like we have to. He didn't just commune continually with God because He can...He limited Himself, brought Himself to our level so that He would also have to work to experience the intimacy with God that He had naturally. And so, just like us, He had to withdraw to a place alone so that He can be refreshed and refilled by God.

Sometimes...Always

Sometimes it takes an earthquake to bring me back to Him.

Sometimes I have to be utterly broken to receive His love.

Sometimes I wrestle with myself until I have no more energy left.

Sometimes I deal with inner turmoil for days.

Sometimes I cry out in helpless confusion.

Sometimes I try so hard to do what I'm supposed to.

Sometimes I grow so disgusted with myself I want to crawl out of my own body.

Sometimes I think I'm going insane.

Always.

Always.

Always.

Always, He eases my pain.

Always, He loves me.

Always, He guides me.

Always, He teaches me.

Always, He saves me.

Always, He rescues me.

Always, He restores me.

Always, He pursues me.

Always, He is with me.

"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:13b-14

I Want To Be Remembered

I want to be remembered as a woman who is sold out for Christ. I want to be remembered as a woman who is more in love with God than with any man, woman, child, or possession. I want to be remembered as a woman who spends the first and last hour of every day communing with her Saviour. I want to be remembered as a woman who loses herself in God’s presence when she worships. I want to be remembered as a woman who points at all times back to Christ in everything she does and in her manner of life.

I want to be remembered as a woman who loves unconditionally, who never counts someone’s sins against them. I want to be remembered as a woman who had high standards and wouldn’t change those for anyone. I want to be remembered as a woman who had higher priorities than just her own wants and desires. I want to be remembered as a woman who worked hard, kept a routine, and was respectable. I want to be remembered as a woman who was matured and wise

I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t forget a single family member. I want to be remembered as a woman who emailed correspondence with her cousins, called her grandma regularly, took her sisters to pedicures, had coffee dates with her mom, and gave random, meaningful gifts to all her family. I want to be remembered as a woman who brought in people not biologically related into her family and treated them with as much respect, honor, and love as she did to her own children and family. I want to be remembered as a woman who never shouted or screamed or hit her children, as a woman who kept herself controlled and would instead talk to her children about the reason they would be punished. I want to be remembered as a woman who was honest about my own shortcomings and who used her own experiences to teach her children and to counsel her family members away from making the same mistakes she did. I want to be remembered as a woman who my children were not afraid to come to when they did something wrong or found themselves in a tough situation. I want to be remembered as a woman whose relationship with Christ was so obvious and relevant to her every day life that it trickled down to the rest of her family.

I want to be remembered as a woman who never used foul language. I want to be remembered as a woman who never made fun of another person or gossiped or set out to ruin someone else. I want to be remembered as a woman who worked hard and honestly. I want to be remembered as a woman who would take the blame from someone else. I want to be remembered as a woman who was a peacemaker. I want to be remembered as a woman who learned quickly and didn’t make the same mistake twice.

I want to be remembered as a woman who greeted newcomers warmly and immediately set aside everything else to get to know them. I want to be remembered as a woman who gave without thought as much as she could to everyone who had need. I want to be remembered as a woman who could be trusted to take care of a family or individual going through a tough time. I want to be remembered as a woman who the church knew they could call to volunteer wherever needed. I want to be remembered as a woman who knew everyone in the church and made sure to greet them all by name and keep in contact with them.

I want to be remembered as a woman who gave her tithe every week.I want to be remembered as a woman who gave to missions and other church functions as much as she could. I want to be remembered as a woman who gave to individuals as she learned of their need. I want to be remembered as a woman who blessed financially where she could, without ever revealing who she was. I want to be remembered as a woman who paid her bills every month and never borrowed a cent from anyone or any institution. I want to be remembered as a woman who lived simply, without indulging in material possession she didn’t need such as fancy clothes, hair highlights, big screen tv, flashy car, expensive jewelry, etc. I want to be remembered as a woman who invested her money in small businesses and entrepreneurs, a woman who believed in people trying to get off the ground. I want to be remembered as a woman who never considered her money her own.

I want to be remembered as a woman who ate more vegetables and fruit than she did meat. I want to be remembered as a woman who did everything in moderation. I want to be remembered as a woman who went to pilates classes and had “walking” dates with people and played soccer or ultimate Frisbee or football with her friends, family, and children. I want to be remembered as a woman who was not Hercules but could do manual labor and was not afraid to sweat, burn, or pull a muscle. I want to be remembered as a woman who did not use the fact that she was a woman to get out of doing something physically straining. I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t go to the doctor unless her guts were spilling out her stomach…and then only after she had been prayed over. I want to be remembered as a woman who wanted to have her children at home in a safe and comfortable and natural environment instead of in a hospital full of drugs and unfamiliar people and ugly rooms. I want to be remembered as a woman who followed an evening and morning routine in order to have the best sleep possible.

I want to be remembered as a woman who never stopped reading or studying. I want to be remembered as a woman who would learn any language in order to talk with and minister to whoever came into contact with her. I want to be remembered as a woman who enjoyed intellectual discussions about religion, the Bible, politics, literature, and philosophy. I want to be remembered as a woman who had enough degrees to start her own university. I want to be remembered as a woman who had a wide array of knowledge that she used to minister to and teach people without ever seeming like an intellectual superior. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved music and was constantly humming, singing quietly, or loudly busting out tunes, as a woman who learned to play piano, guitar, cello, and whatever instrument she could get her hands on enough to be able to play simple songs. I want to be remembered as a woman who had more books in her house than she had room for. I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t think any field of study was too boring to not look in to at least a little bit (such as anatomy, calculus, astronomy, geology, ancient history, etc). I want to be remembered as a woman who wrote extensively on as many topics as she studied, maybe even more. I want to be remembered as a woman who was private but also completely open to whoever wanted to hear her thoughts on any given subject or her advice. I want to be remembered as a woman who wrote a book that benefited and enhanced and freed several million people.

I want to be remembered as a woman who everyone in the neighborhood knew and looked to for help, advice, or friendship. I want to be remembered as a woman who made cookies for each new neighbor. I want to be remembered as a woman who would do random acts of kindness such as mow a lawn, babysit kids for a date night, or invite neighbors over for dinner. I want to be remembered as a woman who respected and honored her police force and fire fighters, who was always cheerful and helpful to anyone she came in contact with, and who built personal. relationships with the girl who checked her out at WalMart, the elderly woman at the library, and the young man who worked at her favorite coffee shop. I want to be remembered as a woman who almost always had people over for dinner every night and who enjoyed cooking for a large group of people. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved the holidays and decorated the house for each one. I want to be remembered as a woman who enjoyed small intimate gatherings just as much as large ones, who loved to have a few girl friends over for just some wine and dessert but who also loved to have families over for barbecues.

I want to be remembered as a woman whose favorite thing to do to relax was to sit on her porch/patio/balcony, surrounded by beautiful trees and flowers and a gorgeous view, to sip her tea and snack on fruit and read a book or talk with God or pray or read the Bible. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved to bake and cook and who was constantly trying out new recipes and giving away samples of it to whoever happened to be in her house. I want to be remembered as a woman who would go to a cottage, hotel, wherever for a weekend to be alone with God a few times a year. I want to be remembered as a woman who found her greatest rest in the arms of her Husband. I want to be remembered as a woman who found casual company as relaxing and satisfying as being alone and who would never turn someone away from herself in order to be alone.

I want to be remembered. I want to leave in impact. I want to make a difference.

He Never Fails

I don't know why God continually uses Oswald Chambers to speak to me, but He does. Guaranteed, anytime I sit down with it God speaks directly to what I was thinking just a second ago. A couple days ago He answered my questions I had been asking Him about how to conduct myself with one of my friends. The next day He addressed my attitude at work. It doesn't matter what time of day it is or what I've experienced that day, when I turn to my devotional in My Utmost For His Highest, it always speaks directly to my heart. I've highlighted and underlined the crap out of that little book.

A few posts back I talked about my shadow mission and how it had kind of snuck up on me. Since that post, I have been trying to wrestle my spirit back into submission to Christ. I wanted to be back where I was at the beginning of the year. I wanted Jesus to be my Husband where recently He had turned into my Pastor, kind and caring and always ready to listen but not intimate. You know the difference. I wanted to fall asleep to Him whispering in my ear, not call Him on my way to work to ask Him to talk out a prayer request with Him. I wanted to look forward to going home and relaxing while I talk out the day with Him, not review His notes from the sermon on Sunday. Is the difference obvious? The latter choices aren't bad, but they aren't fully right either. They are things I still do with Christ, but I want so much more. I long for so much more. I need so much more. Especially now that I know there IS so much more, now that I have experienced that close-knit relationship, how can I live without it?

Purity is the result of continued spiritual harmony with God.
- Oswald Chambers

Purity is what I seek, purity is what I long for. God please give me that purity. I seek you every day, don't let me lose that desire in my heart. Don't let it ever go dim, don't let it ever fade away.

I'm reminded of the routine God gave me at the beginning of the year and I realize just how far off it I have gotten. A lot of things I had committed to do, a lot of things I said I wouldn't do and now I'm either doing what I said I wouldn't or not doing what I said I would.

If we want to maintain a personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus Christ, it will mean refusing to do or even think certain things. And some things that are acceptable for others will become unacceptable for us.
- Oswald Chambers

God gave me my routine for a reason. Has He told me to stop doing things that are dreadful? No, actually none of them are obvious, sinful things. But they do keep me, personally, far from Christ...at least at this point in my life. It's not a bad thing to hang out with friends when getting off work...but God has told me not to. It's not a bad thing to work hard, save up, and buy a nice new gadget or car or whatever...but God has told me not to. There is a very specific purpose God has for me, a purpose that He has to prepare me for. He has to discipline my body and my impulses, sharpen and hone my mind, and grow me spiritually. There is a woman that I am meant to become and God wants to mold me into her.

Thank You God that I always long for Your rest. Thank You that I always seek Your quiet. Thank You that I long for time to sit in Your lap, without saying anything. I know that as long as that desire, that yearning, that cry is deep in my heart and my soul, even though it pains me, I know I know I know that I will always come to You and I will never run away. God, let it be a leash on my heart to never leave Your side, to never desire anything else more than You. God if my heart strays, put up walls. "I need you like a hurricane, thunder crashing wind and rains", break through me Holy Spirit. Discipline me, break me, tear me apart, so that nothing is left but Your presence. Let nothing come above You in my life, in my life be lifted high!

Pleasing to the Lord

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires fo the Spirit are against the flesh, for those are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law... And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
- Galatians 5: 16-24

"But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I should myself be disqualified."
- 1 Corinthians 9:27

We cannot half-ass our lives as Christians. We cannot live partly surrendered and we cannot continue on with our own plans and goals and habits. This is an all or nothing commitment. This is a call to leave everything behind, including the clothes on your back. This is a call to consider everything as worthless, even your own life, in order to consider bringing glory to God as the only thing you are able to do.

Our lives are to be pleasing to the Lord. We should be living our lives, constantly aware of the coming judgement for Christians, when God will have us stand before Him and He will ask "What have you done for My kingdom?" Can you imagine the pain you will feel if all you can say is "I went to church" or "I got a biblical degree" . We, as Christians, are all children of God but let's not be the children who go off to college and never come back! Let's not be the children who create new lives for ourselves and occasionally call back home with updates!

We have to be serious about sin in our lives. We have to be serious about anything that keeps us from constant, glorious communion with Christ. If we allow any wrong attitudes, any wrong thinking, any selfishness than we allow Satan a foothold in our lives. Tolerance of sin in ourselves is not acceptable. That little thing that we don't regard as that big of a deal, that we refuse to surrender to Christ will not stay stagnant. It will grow, it will change, it will warp your thinking. Soon you won't recognize it as sin and it will rob you blind of everything. You won't have the relationship you are supposed to have with God and you won't bring Him glory and you won't do the work that He has assigned to you.

"If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell."
- Matthew 5:30

Don't you understand? That one little thing, whatever it is, is not worth losing any closeness with Christ. It's not worth it to be separated from Christ! I beat my body and make it my slave, for I will not be stopped by my own flesh. I will not be kept from a continued relationship with my Husband.

It requires a conscious decision and effor tto keep our primary goal constantly in front of us. It means holding yourselves to the highest priority year in and year out; not making our first priority to win souls, or to establish churches, or to have revivals, but seeking only "to be well pleasing to Him"... any goal we have that diverts us even the slightest degree from the central goal of being "approved to God" (2 Timothy 2:15) may result in our rejection from further service for Him.
- Oswald Chambers

It is my greatest fear that I will not be able to be used by Christ. That I will not be ready for Him to speak through, to send out because I was selfish, because I clung to my one little thought or habit or whatever instead of surrendering completely to Him.

We don't stumble into closeness with Christ. You can't go through the motions, fill out your Christian checklist, and work your way up to a "usable Christian". You have to work at it every day, wrestle yourself to the ground every morning and surrender to Christ, throw up the white flag and let go of EVERYTHING. Your goal has to be utter surrender for the purpose of being a vessel that He can fill with Himself. Don't you know that there is no greater joy, than to know that you are pleasing to Him? Don't you know that whatever it is that you don't want to surrender, it CAN'T COMPARE to a simple glance from His holy face?

What is your goal in life? What do you strive for? What do you work towards? What do you surrender? Where does your allegiance lie, really and truly?

Shadow Mission

At my last Life Focus class, Chris introduced a new topic to us. He had us listen to a sermon about shadow missions, specifically about Esther's shadow mission. Great message, btw. The idea behind a shadow mission is that we all have our purpose from God and then we all have our own purpose that Satan does his best to get us wrapped into. The pastor giving the sermon gave one example of a shadow mission as watching tv and masturbating while the world goes to hell. The man who gave him this example said that if he could do what he wanted for the rest of the life, it would be as I just stated.

I've really been thinking about this recently. About what my shadow mission is. I've always known that God's plan for me was completely different than my own. When I think back to who I was ten years ago or even one year ago I laugh because I am completely different now. Something about being washed in the blood, saved by grace, completely renewed does something to you. I have also known for a while now that Satan works his hardest to distract me from God and from the plans He has for me, especially back in high school. I was literally a completely different person back then, with goals contrary to what God's goals are for me and even a personality opposite to my personality now.

This past week or so I have been really struggling with my relationship Christ...which means the relationship has been nonexistent, for the most part. It's like somebody flipped a switch and all of a sudden it was gone. I wasn't talking to Him constantly, we didn't share any close moments, nothing. It wasn't until I got to my Life Focus class and learned about shadow missions that I realized what was going on. I was transferring from life for Christ to life for my shadow mission.

My shadow mission is pretty pathetic...although I guess all shadow missions are. It's what my life was all about until I was 18 years old. It's something that I have to fight against daily, and knowing that I have to fight it now I have a much better chance at not falling prey to it again.

I started thinking about relationships again. That's probably the easiest and most common way for me to fall, to start noticing when guys are interested, to start thinking about dating again. Satan always tells me "What's the harm in going on a date or two? You don't have to commit to a relationship. Just have fun, enjoy yourself." Well that's all hunky dory, but what about the fact that I committed this year to God and He specifically told me not to date? I didn't think about that.

I started spending money like crazy. I'm working full time in order to pay back my loans, right? So as soon as I got paid, I take out tithe and savings and food and gas and then the rest goes to bills or to loans. The past couple weeks, I've just been keeping all this cash in my pocket or my wallet...several hundred dollars worth. Which of course means that I'm spending it, on clothes, on makeup, on phone accessories, on food. Taking people out to eat, covering the bill just because I can. Not flashing my money, but flashing my money. If you know what I mean. Pretending like I'm being generous, but really, deep down, if I was perfectly honest, I liked finally being the one with money after having grown up with nothing.

I started foregoing my routine. Part of dedicating this year to God meant that I disciplined myself. I learned to enjoy the routine and loved the intimacy I received from God when I obeyed Him in the disciplines He taught me. Instead of going home and spending some time in the Word or praying before going to bed I would go meet up with someone and hang out. Of course that meant getting home late which meant I woke up late which meant I didn't spend time with God in the morning either. Instead of going to spend time with my family and develop previously nonexistent relationships I would make all kinds of social arrangements. Instead never asking days off in order to make as much money as possible to pay off the loans, like God told me to at the beginning of the year, I started asking off all kinds of shifts so that I could join various social gatherings.

I started caring about my appearance A LOT. My nights and mornings became filled with blow-drying, straightening, and fixing my hair. I started wearing more makeup than I normally do, wearing the new makeup I bought. I was more concerned about how I looked, because I was trying to attract the attention of guys around me. I wanted to grab their attention, have them talk to me, and eventually ask me on a date.

I know the danger this life leads for me. I know that it leaves me susceptible to whatever people want me to be. I know that I will starve myself, work out like crazy, tan, get highlights, spend all the money I can to fit into the mold that people want me to be. If I started dating a guy, I'd throw everything else to hell to keep his attention and make him happy with me until he got tired of me and I'd start the process all over again with another guy.

It's so crazy that I can be two totally different people. It's so scary that it only takes me a week or so to fall back into this person I used to be. What was the trigger? What led me down this path to begin with? Where did I take a left turn?

Mostly I've been trying to figure out how to get back. How do I become lost in His love again? Because it's not that God's changed. It's not that He left or He rejected me.

My Wonderful Lord,

Thank You from the depths of my soul for continually proving how strong Your passion is for me. Yes, Lord, there are many days I feel lost and very far from You. I know in my heart You never move from me, but somehow no matter how hard I try to stay close to You, I seem to fall away from Your love and truth, I am so in awe that You continue to run after me no matter what I do or say, I am so grateful that You never, ever give up on me.

Love,
Your Princess, who is ready to be found

This morning I had my first quiet time, first morning time with God in several weeks. (It's so crazy how after having experienced the awesomeness of morning time, Satan can still convince me with the lie that stopping and taking the time wouldn't be worth it) This was my excerpt from His Princess. It's awesome to know that even when I completely throw up the finger at God, He's still longing for me back.

If we do not apply our beliefs about God to the issues of everyday life, the vision God has given us will never be fulfilled.
- Oswald Chambers

My reading from Oswald Chambers was right on the money as well. Why do I STILL think that God won't talk to me through what I read?

The only way to be obedient to the "heavenly vision" is to give our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory
- Oswald Chambers

What have I been giving God recently? Jack squat. My thinking has been so selfishly focused. I used to be in prayer constantly over my friends, over countries, over churches, whatever God brought to my mind. I was always involved in people, ministering to them, counseling when they sought it, calling them to see how they're doing, praying for them, etc. But nothing for the past couple of weeks. In fact, I've been annoyed when I've felt like God was asking me to pray for people. If I tried, it was dead and void of any feeling.

This can only be accomplished only when we make a determination to continually remember God's vision.
- Oswald Chambers

Refer back to this post I made last year: http://sarahbethrealtalk.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-whole-year.html. It's when God had me devote the year to Him. I was so filled with the Holy Spirit, so ready to give up everything, so ready to obey even when it was something I didn't want to do. That's what I lost sight of. That's what God called me to, and I completely forgot about it.

Lord, lead me back to Your plan. Break the walls in my heart that I've built against You. Scream louder than the lies Satan has playing in my headphones. Romance me back to Yourself. Point out the glaringly obvious contradictions in my life over and over and over again. Humiliate me if You have to. I do not want to live for a shadow mission. I do not want to be useless to you. I do not want to lose my saltiness.Bring me to a place where you can use me again. I surrender all to You.

Not Your Typical 21st Birthday

Yesterday I turned 21. I've been in kind of a dark, thinking, deep mood and have been trying to figure out why for the past 24 hours.

Midnight on Friday I was still at work when I was supposed to be off around 1130. Normally not a big deal to me, except that I had an hour drive ahead of me to my friend's house and would then have to get up at 6am for our trip the next day. My coworkers wished me happy birthday (since it was midnight) and said "someone's going drinking tonight!" That phrase pissed me off and as I was driving to my friend's house I remembered that my boss had planned, with the rest of my coworkers, to take me out on my birthday. I didn't really know what that meant, but I could guess and I didn't want to go. The whole thing made me anxious and angry that I would have to go because saying no would somehow offend them.

Maddy and I traveled to OU the next morning. Getting up in the morning was really hard but by the time we were in the car I was awake and excited. We sang and laughed and joked and talked. It was good, we hadn't had a chance to do that in a while. We had fun at the OU basketball game and although I had thought we were going to stay longer and was a little disappointed that we didn't, I still had a great time. On the trip back I was exhausted and passed out. I woke up 2 hours later to my mom calling me and letting me know that a man had called her saying he had my purse back in Norman, Oklahoma. He worked at Raising Cane's, the restaurant we had lunch at. I called him and he said he would mail my purse to me soon as he got off work.

I'm a crackhead. I lost my purse on my 21st birthday and it had nothing to do with me being sloshed at all.

I don't know why but I've been in this agitated state since yesterday afternoon. Everything has been bothering me and I'm trying to act like it's not, because it shouldn't. I feel like I have no time and too much time, restless, anxious, frustrated. I feel lonely but don't want anyone to take notice of me or talk to me. I'm pretty sure I've had an "eff off" face on all day. It's so weird for me not understand what I'm feeling or thinking.

This morning I realized that I had passed my birthday and not allowed God to celebrate it with me. We celebrated Valentine's day together and Christmas and we've celebrated every day together, but my birthday I kept selfishly to myself. I think partly because I'm human, and partly because I'm so sick of everyone thinking they know how I should spend my birthday, or how I did spend my birthday, or how I'll spend the rest of my life now that I'm 21.

Really? Is that all I'm reduced to know? Is that all that this birthday means to me, to other people? That I have the legal right to drink? Ya, it's cool that I can order a beer when I go out to dinner but I haven't been looking forward to that. I hate it when people grin real big and say "Oh I bet you had a great birthday" or they start nudging each other and sharing a joke amongst themselves, like they're remembering their own 21st birthdays.

I am not you. Stop thinking I am. And stop being mad at me when I'm not. I don't want you to take me out to drinks. I don't want to get sloshed. I don't want to party. I don't want to hit up some clubs. I want to finish my shift at work and go home to my family. I want to talk to my dad about my day, kiss my brother as he sleeps, clean my room, and go to bed. Just like I always have. Just like I will continue to do for a while. Nothing about this birthday changes who I am.

I will not be constrained by culture's mold of a 21 year old. I am who I am, as weird and contradictory and paradoxical as God made me. I refuse to be who culture thinks I should be.