Monday, April 16, 2012

I can't lose it

Last night I dreamed my husband cheated on me.

First, I should establish that I never dream. Or rather, I never remember dreams. Apparently everyone dreams, some scientist somewhere asserted that. But I've found I sleep so deeply that once I'm awake, I have no recollection of dreaming...not even a vague haze of something. I've had 5 dreams my whole life, I can tell you about each one if you'd like.

Last night I had a dream that my husband cheated on me. I won't give you details but I can assure you that it was soap opera, twisted kind of stuff. In my dream, my husband and I were in the car, and he was telling me what happened. I was so shocked, appalled, and angry that I woke myself up. I turned over in my bed to look at my husband and struggled with an intense hatred for a long time. I kept telling myself "You were dreaming Sarah. It didn't happen"...but it felt real. That's another caveat to my dreams, the few that I have had have been extremely detailed and real...almost like memories.

I couldn't stop thinking about what Curtis had told me in my dream, envisioning what his cheating looked like, and it made me want to scream. I thought back to the dream, how we were both in the car, and thought about all the things I would do in that instance...the things I would say, how I'd demand he stop the car so I could get out, how I'd lock him out of the I didn't have anyone to turn to, to seek help from.

Couple with this that I'm still trying to come to terms with my husband's previous relationships, my own self-esteem issues, and the overwhelming sense that I have no skill when it comes to the marriage bed...

put all that together and you may understand why it's hard for me to hold it together. Why I refuse to think about any of this at all, so I won't fall apart. Why I willingly work long hours, why I keep everyone at arms length, why I distract myself with tv shows and movies for hours and hours.

It hurts and it overwhelms and I can't let it drown me. Even though I know there is healing and rest and renewal in the arms of Christ, I push Him out too. I can't drown. I can't admit that there is something wrong. I can't lose control.

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