I've really been thinking about this recently. About what my shadow mission is. I've always known that God's plan for me was completely different than my own. When I think back to who I was ten years ago or even one year ago I laugh because I am completely different now. Something about being washed in the blood, saved by grace, completely renewed does something to you. I have also known for a while now that Satan works his hardest to distract me from God and from the plans He has for me, especially back in high school. I was literally a completely different person back then, with goals contrary to what God's goals are for me and even a personality opposite to my personality now.
This past week or so I have been really struggling with my relationship Christ...which means the relationship has been nonexistent, for the most part. It's like somebody flipped a switch and all of a sudden it was gone. I wasn't talking to Him constantly, we didn't share any close moments, nothing. It wasn't until I got to my Life Focus class and learned about shadow missions that I realized what was going on. I was transferring from life for Christ to life for my shadow mission.
My shadow mission is pretty pathetic...although I guess all shadow missions are. It's what my life was all about until I was 18 years old. It's something that I have to fight against daily, and knowing that I have to fight it now I have a much better chance at not falling prey to it again.
I started thinking about relationships again. That's probably the easiest and most common way for me to fall, to start noticing when guys are interested, to start thinking about dating again. Satan always tells me "What's the harm in going on a date or two? You don't have to commit to a relationship. Just have fun, enjoy yourself." Well that's all hunky dory, but what about the fact that I committed this year to God and He specifically told me not to date? I didn't think about that.
I started spending money like crazy. I'm working full time in order to pay back my loans, right? So as soon as I got paid, I take out tithe and savings and food and gas and then the rest goes to bills or to loans. The past couple weeks, I've just been keeping all this cash in my pocket or my wallet...several hundred dollars worth. Which of course means that I'm spending it, on clothes, on makeup, on phone accessories, on food. Taking people out to eat, covering the bill just because I can. Not flashing my money, but flashing my money. If you know what I mean. Pretending like I'm being generous, but really, deep down, if I was perfectly honest, I liked finally being the one with money after having grown up with nothing.
I started foregoing my routine. Part of dedicating this year to God meant that I disciplined myself. I learned to enjoy the routine and loved the intimacy I received from God when I obeyed Him in the disciplines He taught me. Instead of going home and spending some time in the Word or praying before going to bed I would go meet up with someone and hang out. Of course that meant getting home late which meant I woke up late which meant I didn't spend time with God in the morning either. Instead of going to spend time with my family and develop previously nonexistent relationships I would make all kinds of social arrangements. Instead never asking days off in order to make as much money as possible to pay off the loans, like God told me to at the beginning of the year, I started asking off all kinds of shifts so that I could join various social gatherings.
I started caring about my appearance A LOT. My nights and mornings became filled with blow-drying, straightening, and fixing my hair. I started wearing more makeup than I normally do, wearing the new makeup I bought. I was more concerned about how I looked, because I was trying to attract the attention of guys around me. I wanted to grab their attention, have them talk to me, and eventually ask me on a date.
I know the danger this life leads for me. I know that it leaves me susceptible to whatever people want me to be. I know that I will starve myself, work out like crazy, tan, get highlights, spend all the money I can to fit into the mold that people want me to be. If I started dating a guy, I'd throw everything else to hell to keep his attention and make him happy with me until he got tired of me and I'd start the process all over again with another guy.
It's so crazy that I can be two totally different people. It's so scary that it only takes me a week or so to fall back into this person I used to be. What was the trigger? What led me down this path to begin with? Where did I take a left turn?
Mostly I've been trying to figure out how to get back. How do I become lost in His love again? Because it's not that God's changed. It's not that He left or He rejected me.
My Wonderful Lord,This morning I had my first quiet time, first morning time with God in several weeks. (It's so crazy how after having experienced the awesomeness of morning time, Satan can still convince me with the lie that stopping and taking the time wouldn't be worth it) This was my excerpt from His Princess. It's awesome to know that even when I completely throw up the finger at God, He's still longing for me back.
Thank You from the depths of my soul for continually proving how strong Your passion is for me. Yes, Lord, there are many days I feel lost and very far from You. I know in my heart You never move from me, but somehow no matter how hard I try to stay close to You, I seem to fall away from Your love and truth, I am so in awe that You continue to run after me no matter what I do or say, I am so grateful that You never, ever give up on me.
Love,
Your Princess, who is ready to be found
If we do not apply our beliefs about God to the issues of everyday life, the vision God has given us will never be fulfilled.My reading from Oswald Chambers was right on the money as well. Why do I STILL think that God won't talk to me through what I read?
- Oswald Chambers
The only way to be obedient to the "heavenly vision" is to give our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory
- Oswald Chambers
What have I been giving God recently? Jack squat. My thinking has been so selfishly focused. I used to be in prayer constantly over my friends, over countries, over churches, whatever God brought to my mind. I was always involved in people, ministering to them, counseling when they sought it, calling them to see how they're doing, praying for them, etc. But nothing for the past couple of weeks. In fact, I've been annoyed when I've felt like God was asking me to pray for people. If I tried, it was dead and void of any feeling.
This can only be accomplished only when we make a determination to continually remember God's vision.
- Oswald Chambers
Refer back to this post I made last year: http://sarahbethrealtalk.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-whole-year.html. It's when God had me devote the year to Him. I was so filled with the Holy Spirit, so ready to give up everything, so ready to obey even when it was something I didn't want to do. That's what I lost sight of. That's what God called me to, and I completely forgot about it.
Lord, lead me back to Your plan. Break the walls in my heart that I've built against You. Scream louder than the lies Satan has playing in my headphones. Romance me back to Yourself. Point out the glaringly obvious contradictions in my life over and over and over again. Humiliate me if You have to. I do not want to live for a shadow mission. I do not want to be useless to you. I do not want to lose my saltiness.Bring me to a place where you can use me again. I surrender all to You.
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