Not Your Typical 21st Birthday

Yesterday I turned 21. I've been in kind of a dark, thinking, deep mood and have been trying to figure out why for the past 24 hours.

Midnight on Friday I was still at work when I was supposed to be off around 1130. Normally not a big deal to me, except that I had an hour drive ahead of me to my friend's house and would then have to get up at 6am for our trip the next day. My coworkers wished me happy birthday (since it was midnight) and said "someone's going drinking tonight!" That phrase pissed me off and as I was driving to my friend's house I remembered that my boss had planned, with the rest of my coworkers, to take me out on my birthday. I didn't really know what that meant, but I could guess and I didn't want to go. The whole thing made me anxious and angry that I would have to go because saying no would somehow offend them.

Maddy and I traveled to OU the next morning. Getting up in the morning was really hard but by the time we were in the car I was awake and excited. We sang and laughed and joked and talked. It was good, we hadn't had a chance to do that in a while. We had fun at the OU basketball game and although I had thought we were going to stay longer and was a little disappointed that we didn't, I still had a great time. On the trip back I was exhausted and passed out. I woke up 2 hours later to my mom calling me and letting me know that a man had called her saying he had my purse back in Norman, Oklahoma. He worked at Raising Cane's, the restaurant we had lunch at. I called him and he said he would mail my purse to me soon as he got off work.

I'm a crackhead. I lost my purse on my 21st birthday and it had nothing to do with me being sloshed at all.

I don't know why but I've been in this agitated state since yesterday afternoon. Everything has been bothering me and I'm trying to act like it's not, because it shouldn't. I feel like I have no time and too much time, restless, anxious, frustrated. I feel lonely but don't want anyone to take notice of me or talk to me. I'm pretty sure I've had an "eff off" face on all day. It's so weird for me not understand what I'm feeling or thinking.

This morning I realized that I had passed my birthday and not allowed God to celebrate it with me. We celebrated Valentine's day together and Christmas and we've celebrated every day together, but my birthday I kept selfishly to myself. I think partly because I'm human, and partly because I'm so sick of everyone thinking they know how I should spend my birthday, or how I did spend my birthday, or how I'll spend the rest of my life now that I'm 21.

Really? Is that all I'm reduced to know? Is that all that this birthday means to me, to other people? That I have the legal right to drink? Ya, it's cool that I can order a beer when I go out to dinner but I haven't been looking forward to that. I hate it when people grin real big and say "Oh I bet you had a great birthday" or they start nudging each other and sharing a joke amongst themselves, like they're remembering their own 21st birthdays.

I am not you. Stop thinking I am. And stop being mad at me when I'm not. I don't want you to take me out to drinks. I don't want to get sloshed. I don't want to party. I don't want to hit up some clubs. I want to finish my shift at work and go home to my family. I want to talk to my dad about my day, kiss my brother as he sleeps, clean my room, and go to bed. Just like I always have. Just like I will continue to do for a while. Nothing about this birthday changes who I am.

I will not be constrained by culture's mold of a 21 year old. I am who I am, as weird and contradictory and paradoxical as God made me. I refuse to be who culture thinks I should be.