The Effect of Others

I care about what people think. I don't want to. I pretend not to. But I do. Way too much.

One joke about my sunday attire from my aunt made me want to completely change my wardrobe.

One nasty yet honest message from an ex boss had me crying to my parents like my heart was broken.

One varying opinion about how God speaks to us made me start wondering if I was hearing God correctly.

I can survive a lot of things. I can live without running water. I can go without food. I can live in extreme conditions. I can have crisis after crisis hit me and those around me, and I can not only survive but thrive. But as soon as someone attacks me, I fall apart.

I guess I'm like Clara Barton in that regard. Whenever a crisis hit, she was all business and she took care of everyone around her. She was the strongest woman ever when it came to taking care of people. But when it came to defending herself, she couldn't do it. When someone bullied her or attacked her, she crumbled.

I don't like it. Not only do I not like having a weakness (a remnant of the old me, who felt she had to be strong in all aspects) but I hate the effect it has on my relationship with Christ. My trust in Him falters. I start listening to those around me, rather than His voice. I start to question everything He's told me, not questioning Him but rather questioning my ability to hear Him. I start to feel very isolated and distant, and start thinking that maybe it's all in my head.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the
prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games
goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we
do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man
running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body
and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not
be disqualified for the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

The only opinion I should worry about is God's. The only voice I should listen to is God's. I cannot get sidetracked. I cannot be dissuaded or discouraged. I cannot stop or slow down. I must beat my body and make it my slave. I must continue on, staying in strict training so that I am not disqualified.

Because no matter what people say, God is still sovereign. God still reigns. And He is the only one I am accountable to. He is the one who calls me forward, who runs alongside me, who is my trainer and my friend and my lover. My parents do not do that, my friends do not do that, my boss does not do that, my pastor does not do that. As valuable as they are to me, they are nothing compared to my Saviour. I would forsake all those relationships before I would forsake my Father.

And so I run. I run for Christ. I run for His glory. I run for His kingdom. The only voice I hear is my Coach's. The only advice I heed is my Coach's. The only face I search for in the crowd is my Coach's. The only approval I seek is His. I run to win His prize.

My beautiful bride,
You are so beautiful to Me. I wish for one moment that you could see what I
see when I look at you. When I gaze at you, I see a treasure ready to be
discovered, a princess ready to shine, and a bride ready to be loved. When I
look at you...I love what I see! If you could grasp how beautiful you are in My
eyes, then you would never feel insecure again. The beauty I created you to be
is a reflection of Me, My love. I created you in My image, so never doubt again
that your eternal beauty is a breath of heaven!
Love,
Your Adoring Prince,

"For your royal Husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your
Lord."
- Psalm 45:11

My actions are for Him. Everything I do is for Him. These things can be criticized and analyzed by others, but I know that only He can judge me. But when it comes to my physical attributes, these I often feel are judged and I feel the less for it. I don't feel pretty or beautiful or acceptable by the world's standards.

But my Husband finds me delightful. When He sees me, He desires to wrap me up in His arms and shower me with kisses. My beauty moves His heart. My eyes draw Him in. My scent is intoxicating to Him. He desires nothing more than to be near to me.

With love like that, I find that I don't give a rat's butt what you think about me.

Obedience: The Name of the Game

Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God's presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him....I must first get the issue settled between God and myself in the secret places of my soul, where no one else can interfere. Then I can go ahead, knowing with certainty that the battle is won.
- Oswald Chambers

I love how everything God shows me builds on each other. I love how I learn a new facet of a concept I thought I understood.

It's cool to read things from Oswald Chambers and realize that God has been teaching these very concepts to me. Oswald just hits the nail on the head everytime, verbalizes for me what I already know in my subconscious.

You can't learn biblical truths outside of His presence. It won't stick. I have 20 years of experience to attest to that. You won't get it. It won't make sense. You won't recognize the significance. I get frustrated with my siblings for not understanding "simple" biblical concepts, but I've come to realize that not only was I the same way when I was their age, but it's because I wasn't in God's presence that it didn't make sense. That's why everything is so fresh and new to me right now...because I'm learning everything anew, in His presence...and I'm REALLY learning it this time. The stuff I repeated over and over in Sunday School is making sense...the Bible is coming alive!

Things that I don't understand, concepts that are difficult or confusing, all of these things I have to work through with God's supervision. My faith has to become real and true and genuine and unique to me before I can go out and use it in the world.

...every once and a while, God brings us to a major turning point - a crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory.
- Oswald Chambers

This is the point I have found myself. Every morning God wakes me up and I spend time soaking up as much as I can. During the day, He stays with me and whispers to me new things and new thoughts. Before I go to bed, He ministers to my heart and encourages me. The intimacy is astounding. The love is everlasting. The fire is unquenchable.

My Lord and Husband,
I am in awe. What a strange and wondrous thought to think of You, my God, as my eternal Husband. There is something so astonishing about discovering I am your Bride, the Bride of Christ. Yes, I want You to lift the veil and let me see You as my Prince and me as your Princess Bride. You are the one true love my heart has longed for all my life. So today I stand at Your altar ready to surrender my heart, my soul, and all that I am...May I find myself as I begin to seek You with all that is within me.
Love,
Your Princess Bride

"Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready."
- Revelations 19:7

I gladly submit. I gladly obey. I gladly sacrifice. I gladly surrender.

Wedding Ring

So I'm at work, polishing some glasses in the back. I'm by myself and just kinda thinking about stuff. Trying to get my mind in a good spot for work. Talking to the Holy Spirit, all that good stuff. I dunno how it happened or how I got to that point but God told me to buy a ring for myself. Which is weird, since He just told me to limit my spending to the absolute minimum and pay off my debts. He said that this ring would be a gift from Him (since all my money is His money anyway), that I should wear it on my wedding ring finger as a reminder of how much He loves me. In essence, God proposed to me.

I know it's crazy. I think Christians in general are sick of hearing "I'm married to Jesus" and all that jazz. I know I sound like a nutcase. But God does crazy things...which is why I like Him so much.

Here's the deal. I've known, ever since I got to that dating age, that God didn't want me dating. In the back of my mind, I knew that my pursuit should not be dating. I knew before every boyfriend I ever had that I was not supposed to date that person...that not only were they NOT right for me, but that I wasn't supposed to be dating yet anyway. I knew that there was something I needed to learn, some state of being I had to attain before I would be ready to date and before God would bring me someone worth dating. But I've always been so desperate to be loved, that I would chase men down whether for a relationship, for companionship, for a hook up, whatever it was. So finally God had me commit to one whole year of not dating...and not only not dating, but not pursuing any kind of relationship with a man. Not to spend any extra time than I have to with guy friends, not to spark up new friendships with guys, not to entertain advances from guys, not to flirt around, not to play around. Nada, nothing.

I know none of y'all are in my brain...but that's very hard for me. My brain is trained to immediately size up all the eligible bachelors in the room as soon as I walk in and to watch them to see if they are showing even the slightest interest in me. It's a frigging disease. I didn't realize how insane I am until I tried to stop. And it's gotten hardcore ridiculous.

So I guess when I was polishing those glasses, I was thinking about how hard it is to not want guys to show interest in me and how it will command all my attention, especially while I'm at work. And I was thinking about how it's even harder when the guys start flirting with me first. I guess that's when God interjected with His proposal. Wearing a ring as if I am married is a good deterrent to guys advances and it's a great reminder to myself to act as if I was married.

Which I am. Aren't we all, as Christians, the bride of Christ?

"For your Maker is your Husband,
the Lord of Hosts is His name,
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth He is called"
- Isaiah 54:5

I've been reading this verse over and over and over. I absolutely love it. This is how God has been presenting Himself to me recently, as my Husband. He's trying to show me that when I am desperate for love, I have someone to fulfill that. Before when I would turn to a guy to talk to, or to keep me from being lonely, now He's showing me that I have a Husband who does all of that. Every part of me desires that relationship, that husband that I wake up to and spend time with doing silly things like budgeting...and God's showing me that He already does that for me. He shows me how to use my money. He wakes me up in the morning. He is there with me as I sleep. He comforts me when I mess up. He gives me the energy I need to get through work.

He lead me to James Avery and had me buy a simple silver band. I was disappointed, wanting a ring with a rock on it, that was sparkly and shiny, since it's a "wedding" ring. But this ring is economically smarter and really, it fits me better. I'm not a sparkly kinda girl. I'm not a big, flashy rock kinda girl. I don't really need to impress people. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. This ring is simple and elegant. It fits my finger perfectly and everytime I see it, I feel joy flow through my body. I feel the Holy Spirit wrap His arms around me. I feel loved.

Thinking of God as my Husband helps me to rely on Him more. It helps me trust Him more. Our relationship is becoming more intimate. I'm not sad that I won't be dating this year, as I was at first. I'm not lonely. I don't fear the future. In fact, it will take a lot of convincing to get married I believe in the future when I do meet my husband.

When you have God, why long for anything else?

It is Definitely a White Christmas

God is sovereign. (Duh)

My family and I left for Kansas at 10:00 am on Christmas Eve. This was already a monumental trip for me because I wasn't dreading the trip like I normally do and because I was driving my car up there for the first time. Usually, I hate everything about our trip to Kansas. I hate the long drive, I hate being with my family, I hate that I don't get as many presents as I want, whatever it is I find something to hate and be grumpy about. But this year, God really has worked in my heart and changed it. Several months ago, He showed me that I was holding a lot of bitterness in my heart towards my Grandma and helped me to let go of it. After that was gone, I could recognize that my Grandma goes absolutely stir crazy making sure everything is perfect for Christmas, the only time we see her. So God told me to try and help her out, take the burden off her, by asking my family and my aunt's family to take responsibility for some of the meals. This would allow Grandma to actually sleep in some days and relax some during the day. And He asked that I drive myself up there so that we would have the room for all the presents and food and such that we would need to bring up north.

Little did I know that all this was just preparation, just getting my heart ready for what was to happen Christmas Eve.

2:35 pm on Christmas Eve found me in a ditch, facing the wrong side of the highway, with Oklahoma's worst blizzard blowing around me. After 45 minutes of waiting for my dad to turn around and come back to where me and my sister spun out (we were screaming on the walkie talkie while we spun out and "crashed" but my dad just thought we were playing around. It took several minutes to convince him we really were stuck) we then transferred all our belongings in my car to my dad's suburban which was already packed full. Once we were all back in the vehicle, sitting on top of things and buried underneath bags and blankets, my dad then proceeded to slowly back up to the on ramp so we could get to the nearby walmart...because visibility was so bad we couldn't see anything in front of us. Once in the walmart we wandered around for 3 hours to see if the storm would die down. It didn't. Walmart closed down and we drove the half mile to the shelter that Purcell, Oklahoma had put together for those stranded in the storm.

If I was in the normal "I hate my life" attitude I usually am for this trip, I would have been miserable at this point. Instead, I was having the time of my life. I felt like I was on an adventure! Spinning out on the road was like a roller coaster, fighting the snow storm getting to and fro was like being in a National Geographic special, and I had a blast wandering around Walmart (Dad had to keep me from spending all my money though haha). Once we were at the shelter, I went on an expedition to find coffee...and succeeded! I was able to get coffee started for the 100+ people who had gathered with us in the gym, which was cool. Then to pass the time me and my family played ninja wars for a while (which was very entertaining to everyone else stuck there I'm sure). When we realized we would be staying the night, I was able to help unload and clean cots for all the little kiddos, clean the bathrooms, change into jammies, wash my hair in the sink, and mop up all the water from the snow dragged in by everyone's boots. The next day while my dad drove a young woman home (her car was stuck and she was only 20 miles from home), me and my sisters helped serve breakfast to all those at the shelter and hotel stuck for the day. Ruby's was the only restaurant that would open up for us and made a big buffet breakfast for free. Me and my sisters helped by cleaning everything, picking up trash, directing people to where to get things, talking with whoever we could to keep their spirits up, and by gathering donations for the owners of the restaurant. We never got bored and when my dad came back with my car we finally headed for Kansas.

What's really cool is to recognize how my attitude really set the attitude for the trip. I could tell that my dad was getting tired and frustrated, especially while we were in Walmart. My sister Elise has the same temperament I have and easily could have adopted my same "I hate life" attitude if I had it at all. But because I stayed in good spirits the entire time and went around looking for ways to help, she and Candace followed suit. Elise made friends with several adults and struck up conversations everywhere she went. Candace helped a lot with the restaurant. It's just really cool to see how different this Christmas is from every other Christmas I've ever had. All because of this change God's done in my heart.

Got My Butt Kicked

It's crazy how quickly one can get off track. Satan knows just what to do to distract you. Don't think he takes a break or sleeps or even blinks when it comes to attacking you. You give him one little opportunity to injure you and he is going to take it.

Saturday night I worked til midnight, and didn't get to bed until almost 2am. I woke up at 9 the next morning and had to teach the pre-k sunday school class. For whatever reason, that class absolutely wiped me out...I was so tired afterwards. For lunch I went to Blue Cow for the wifi and instead of doing my time with God then like I had originally planned, I watched School of Rock instead. Bad idea.

That night I went to my friend's family Christmas party, which was a blast I blend in with his Mexican family very well (lol). However, I knew that I was in completely the wrong state of mind. I was in that "gotta hook up with someone" kinda mood and was fighting it all night. It didn't help that my friend had a very cute, very drunk cousin who would have been a very willing participant. The night ended well, I didn't conquer my own brain but did succeed in not following through on anything.

But when God woke me up this morning, before my alarm goes off at 6am, I simply rolled over. I didn't want to get up and spend time with Him. I wanted to sleep. Which of course meant that I slept too long and was almost late to work. Not only that, even though technically I got plenty of sleep last night, I do not feel refreshed today. This morning I was dragging for a good 4 or 5 hours before I finally started to feel like I was in at least 3rd gear.

This is not a casual stroll through the park that God has called me to. This is serious. This is for real. I can't take a day off from spending time with God. I can't get "too busy" or be "too tired". It can't happen. Because Satan will walk all over me if I give him the opportunity.

Yesterday at the party, I had an awesome opportunity to invite some people to my church...which would have changed their lives simply because I think my church is just that awesome...but because I wasn't prayed up, I think I didn't hear God's promptings and missed it. This morning, everyone was dragging...if I had woken up and gotten my gears rolling, I could have made a huge impact on the people I work with, and it would have made a difference in my service to my tables.

Lately God's really been breaking down on my ideas of helping people. You know, it's not my experiences that make my faith real. Just because God has always taken care of me and I have experienced some miracles doesn't mean I have genuine faith. My faith has to come from God's truth for it to be real.

My experience is not what makes redemption real - redemption is reality.

Never support an experience that does not have God as its Source and faith in God as its result.

Is JEsus Christ Lord of your experiences, or do you place your experiences above Him?

"I do not care what I experience - I am sure of Him!"

Faith based on experience is not faith; faith based on God's revealed truth is the only faith there is.

- Oswald Chambers

God never ceases to kick me in the butt with Oswald Chambers...thank goodness.

Evangelism...GO!

It's so crazy to me how hard Satan works to get us completely opposite of God's plans for us.

All my life I've known some things about myself. I was never going to be a stay at home mom, I probably wouldn't have kids at all, I was going to go to a prestigious school and get a great job and make something of myself (which hopefully included money as well), and I was certainly never going to be a missionary. I wanted to travel but on my terms, for business and such. And I sure as hell was never going to lead someone to Christ unless they walked up to me and asked me to...and even then, I probably wouldn't.

Oh how funny I used to be. Now I know that God's will for me is for me to not only be a stay at home mom, but to be a mom to whoever needs one. Not only has He told me I'm going to have several kids of my own, but that I will be adopting and be a foster parent for years and years after my own children have left the house. I am not going to school at all, and may never actually get a degree...and if I do, it probably won't be one that's acceptable in the professional world. I am definitely going to travel but not for business! I am definitely called to be a missionary and I am DEFINITELY called to be an evangelist. Oh boy.

So recently God has been teaching me things about evangelism, about the lost, about being a missionary, to get rid of all the fallacies and lies Satan had been feeding me for 20 years of my life. For instance, I have always been a "preach the love of God" fanatic and have never liked hearing fire and brimstone sermons. In fact, I always believed that those people who preached a fire and brimstone, "repent and be saved", message were faaaaaar from God. So I just always discredited them. But today God told me that they are preaching the message He wants said.

If you are sensitive to God's way, your message as His servant will be merciless and insistent, cutting to the very root. Otherwise there will be no healing.

-Oswald Chambers

So really, if my spirit was fully in line with God, and I was allowing Him to use me as His vessel, than I should be saying things that don't allow people to hide from their sin. Things that force them to look at the unpleasant things about them and come to terms with it. Because God can't heal someone, can't bring them to Himself if they aren't listening and if they don't know that they need Him.

If a person cannot go to God, it is because he has something secret which he does not intend to give up - he may admit his sin, but would no more give up that thing than he could fly under his own power.
-Oswald Chambers

One reason I don't like talking to unbelievers about sin and about finding grace in Christ is because I'm afraid they won't accept. In fact, I'm afraid they'll be pissed off. But I have to continually remind myself that it is not me they are mad at, it is God. And that it is their own fault if they do not accept, not mine.

The best advice I have gotten today, that my church The Community At Lakeridge really adheres to, is to "deal with people where they are, until they begin to realize their true need." I love that whole idea...because it combines my desire to love people as God loves them with the "repent" mindset that I hate so much...it takes both extremes and brings them to a happy middle, which is what the life of a Christian is all about...everything in moderation.

I'm still scared. It's still a huge deal for me to climb out on that limb. But I also know that God has given me a job where I come into contact with a lot of people for practice and surrounded me with people who have the same calling on their lives as examples and encouragement.

My Beloved,
I alone see the secret fears of your heart, My love. When you are fearful of the storms that rage in this life, hear Me whisper, "Be still nad know that I am God." Close your eyes and call out to Me, for I am your Pricne of Peace. I will calm the storm inside your soul. Every time you allow Me to navigate your life, you will be reminded that I am your Captain. You can count on Me. I made the seas, and I am your lighthouse when you need hope.
Love,
Your Prince and Saviour

"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed."
- Psalm 107:29

Blogging is such a blessing for me. The way my brain works, I have to write things out or talk them out for me to really learn/understand what I learned. So after I read something in the Bible or after God tells me something, I gotta write or talk about it quick! Because I'll lose whatever it was real quick. Soon whatever God told me will get twisted in remembering or I won't know what it was exactly that I just learned.

I've written in journals and things for years but it's never been a huge help since physically writing takes up so much time. My hand cramps pretty quickly and half the time I just stop whatever I'm writing. It's also slower and I don't feel like the words flow out of my heart like they do when typing.

Blogging is organized too, which I am definitely not. Everything I write is right here in the same spot, on my page or in my archives. The dates and comments are all there together, just a click away. Everything is neat and in its place.

It's also pretty! I am not a decorating type personality, I wouldn't know how to make anything pretty...but I know what I think is pretty. I can find things that I like and I enjoy pretty things. I like for my room to be decorated, I just dunno how to do it. I like for my writing to be on pretty pages or whatever, I just dunno how to do it. Having a blog online makes it easy for me to find a layout that I like and put it on my page.

I also love blogging cuz it's gotten me doing things consistently...which if anyone knows me is practically a miracle for me. I am not consistent at all....consistently inconsistent, if you will. Blogging is helping me make time with God a priority and a daily occurence. Because to blog, I have to spend time with God first....cool how that works out, I can't blog without meeting with God first...my brain just won't allow it.

God isn't waiting until January 1st, 2010, to start working on me. He's got me cutting off dead limbs already, pointing out the parts of me that don't obey, that don't trust, that are selfish. This morning it was my sleeping habits. I sleep a lot...and I love to sleep. Sometimes I try and make excuses, say there must be something wrong with me, that I need that much sleep. My mom always tells me that I need it, that my brain is growing or something like that. (ya right, btw!) But in reality, I'm either escaping responsibilities or I'm indulging myself. Neither of which are good.

When I wake up late or when I snooze my alarm or when I don't even set an alarm, I wake up dreading the day. I wake up achy and sleepy and snoozy woozy. And I'm usually frustrated that I'm late or that I have to prioritize what I can get done in the little time I have left. So I asked God when I need to get up every morning. At first I tried to think about "ok if i work a double, I need up at this point but if I don't I can wake up later!" but God nixed that idea in the butt and said "get up at 6am every morning".

0_0

oh dear.

I'm scared, but I'm also tired of my "sluggard" ways. So I am praying that God wake me up before my alarm every morning, no matter how late I go to bed or how tired I am. That He would give me the rest that I need and allow me time for a nap during the day if I need it.

I'm excited too...because getting up that early guarantees me over an hour of time with Him...it means I'll always have those few extra minutes to clean my room, to do my laundry, all these little things that drive me up a wall if I can't find the time for them.

Yay bootsie, let's go!