It is completely humbling to realize just how much is wrong with you. Or rather, to see the tip of the wrongness and be shocked by it's bigness and then realize there is an entire iceberg under the surface that you can't even see yet.
So much in my thought process is erroneous. The way I think about things, the way I relate things, the conclusions I make, the things I mull over, the things I pass over, the things I stress about and the things I don't care about.
So much in my actions are wrong. Habits of years and years that I'm finally seeing are wrong, not just the way things are. So many tones of voice, small phrases I say, body language, etc is so hurtful to other people and I had no idea.
More and more is being revealed to me. I praise God that ever since I surrendered in 2009 He has been growing me in leaps and bounds in my understanding of Him, in my daily walk with Him, in my obedience, and in my knowledge of Scriptures. Now, I'm blessed that I have someone who is in direct relationship with me, who sees all this wrong in me and is in a position to speak truth to me. To call me out and hold me accountable. Not to condemn me or respond in ugliness, but to teach and process with me. It's interesting to think about just a year ago or even 5 years ago and how desperate I was for a husband, for a companion, for someone to want to be with me always and how I was completely not ready to be in such a relationship. And then I think about now, about to be married in less than 2 months...I'm not that much different from who I was then. I have definitely grown but I am still just as not ready for the relationship I am in. I want it. I need it. I would be lost without it. But I am not giving as much to the relationship as God calls a wife to be. There is still so much bitterness and anger and selfishness in my heart that rises up against my fiancé on an almost daily basis. I think about all this and I praise God for His grace and His mercy, that He would allow me the desire of my heart even though I do not deserve it...and that my fiancé would love me and commit to me despite myself. I am so incredibly blessed.
One thing I am thinking through today, as something that has been brought to my attention, is my habit of thinking in comparisons. The more I think about it, the more I realize just HOW DEEP my thoughts are steeped in comparisons.
I compare myself to other women. I'm not as slim as her, as athletic as her, my hair isn't as long, I'm not as good with makeup as her, I don't have nice handwriting as her, I don't throw parties like her, I'm not as friendly as her, I don't speak as well as her, I don't sing as well as her, I'm not as talented as her, I'm nothing like her.
I think about girls my fiancé has dated before. To my shame, I worry that I don't kiss as well as her, that I'm not as adventurous as she was, that I'm not as sexy or as appealing. After everything I do with my fiancé or for my fiancé, I wonder if she did it better and if he's remembering it.
Probably the most shameful, I compare myself in order to make myself feel better. I'm not as stupid as her, I'm not as ugly as her, I'm not as catty, I would never be that lame, I will never weigh that much, I will never be that rude, I will never be that bitchy.
When my fiancé quietly (or sometimes not as quietly) points out my sin, I immediately compare in my head to things he's done before, things my mother has done, things his mother has done, things other women have done and I try and come up with someone who's done the same or done worse so I can tell myself "Ya, but it's not that big of a deal. You mean well, you didn't really want to do that, and besides he/she has done it more often or done worse. One slip is ok, cut yourself some slack."
Is my desperation apparent to anyone yet? Can you see my lack of identity in Christ? My complete disbelief in who He says I am, who He says He is? Can you see my complete fascination and love affair with myself? No wonder I am antsy all the time, no wonder I can't sit still for hours and just be with God and think on Him and sing to Him and talk with Him. No wonder my soul is weighted, no wonder I keep cracking under the pressure, no wonder I'm sobbing on the phone to my fiancé. No wonder I'm discontent and worried about people's opinion of me, no wonder I despise myself inside and out.
There is so much rot inside this tree. So many dead branches, lifeless limbs, such shallow roots. Cut me to a stump Lord. Rid me of every inch of sickness and disease and death, cleanse me of myself. Break me Lord because I am dying and I want so desperately to live. Thank You for giving me life in the first place, for chasing me down and pursuing me and wooing me even though I whore myself out to idols. Thank You for being faithful while I am faithless, for loving when I hate, for staying by my side when I run away. You are the only solution to my brokenness, the only Healer, the only One who completes me. None of self and all of Thee Lord, clean me, kill me, restore me.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Obedience
"
The Lord is terrifying. He is Creator and Destroyer. He is the Beginning and the End. He always was and always will be. Our minds cannot imagine Him and if we were to see Him our eyes could not contain Him (my theory is your whole body disintegrates in the presence of God because His glory is so great....but thats just a theory). The thought of seeing God's face or of hearing Him talk audibly to me is enough to poop your pants...and then some.
It's easier to stay distant from God, to pursue His ways but not Him. It is safer to listen to teachers of the Word, to read the Word, to talk about Christ in our social circles than it is to get naked before Him. It's safer for me to live my life without ever fully looking upward at Him, to honor Him in my actions but not bare my heart for His conviction. Obedience is hard. it is painful. It is messy. It is confusing. We feel better about our obedience if it is merely obedience to a human's interpretation of God's law. A pastor, a teacher, a mentor will all make mistakes. We may feel that we can interpret someone else's interpretation of the Word. We can listen to a sermon, agree with the message, and yet never change our thinking or way of life in light of it.
But when God comes into your life, there is no ignoring Him. He fills every inch with Himself. He invades your heart, your soul, your mind, your body. When the Lord speaks, you will answer. His holiness demands submission. When God commands, you cannot pretend you don't understand. You can't ask for clearer instructions. God commands and gives you what you need to obey. There are no excuses left. Now it's do or die. You either submit, obey, love God or you look into the very embodiment of holiness and say "No."
We all want to say "No" to God. We all want to do everything our own way. We have different pleasures, distractions, things that we delight in (or believe ourselves to delight in) and we don't want God to take it away from us or to tell us to go spend our time/money elsewhere.
Oh the mercy of God, knowing that His very presence demands our submission, He withdraws from creation to allow us free-will. It is always our choice whether or not we obey His commands, whether or not we listen to His voice. God knows that as soon as He puts us before Him, we must obey. How could we not? But the Lord wants our wilful obedience. He wants us to choose to love Him, even further than that He wants us to recognize that we don't have the capacity to love Him but to want to so much that we cry out to be filled with His very Spirit, that Spirit that brings us into direct communication with the Lord, that fills us with His love so that we can pour it back out in praise and worship to Him. How great is our God!
The shame of knowing that I have ignored my Lord, after everything He has led me through, after everything He has done for me...the shame overwhelms me. I can look back over my life and wonder how I could be so stubborn, so stupid to believe that anything less than obedience would be sufficient for God.
Sweet, sweet obedience. Loss of myself. None of self and all of Thee. Empty pockets and open hands. Willful slavery to the cross.
Weigh me down. Wreck my world. Strip me of my idols. Holy Spirit rush through me. Lord convict me. Christ lead me to the cross.
God has given His commands to us, but we pay no attention to them - not because of wilful disobedience, but because we do not truly love and respect Him." - Oswald Chambers
The Lord is terrifying. He is Creator and Destroyer. He is the Beginning and the End. He always was and always will be. Our minds cannot imagine Him and if we were to see Him our eyes could not contain Him (my theory is your whole body disintegrates in the presence of God because His glory is so great....but thats just a theory). The thought of seeing God's face or of hearing Him talk audibly to me is enough to poop your pants...and then some.
It's easier to stay distant from God, to pursue His ways but not Him. It is safer to listen to teachers of the Word, to read the Word, to talk about Christ in our social circles than it is to get naked before Him. It's safer for me to live my life without ever fully looking upward at Him, to honor Him in my actions but not bare my heart for His conviction. Obedience is hard. it is painful. It is messy. It is confusing. We feel better about our obedience if it is merely obedience to a human's interpretation of God's law. A pastor, a teacher, a mentor will all make mistakes. We may feel that we can interpret someone else's interpretation of the Word. We can listen to a sermon, agree with the message, and yet never change our thinking or way of life in light of it.
"Why are we so terrified for God to speak to us? It is because we know that when God speaks we must either do what He asks or tell Him we will not obey. But if it is simply one of God's servants speaking to us, we feel obedience is optional, not imperative. We respond by saying "Well that's only your own idea, even though I don't deny that what you said is probably God's truth." - Oswald Chambers
But when God comes into your life, there is no ignoring Him. He fills every inch with Himself. He invades your heart, your soul, your mind, your body. When the Lord speaks, you will answer. His holiness demands submission. When God commands, you cannot pretend you don't understand. You can't ask for clearer instructions. God commands and gives you what you need to obey. There are no excuses left. Now it's do or die. You either submit, obey, love God or you look into the very embodiment of holiness and say "No."
We all want to say "No" to God. We all want to do everything our own way. We have different pleasures, distractions, things that we delight in (or believe ourselves to delight in) and we don't want God to take it away from us or to tell us to go spend our time/money elsewhere.
Oh the mercy of God, knowing that His very presence demands our submission, He withdraws from creation to allow us free-will. It is always our choice whether or not we obey His commands, whether or not we listen to His voice. God knows that as soon as He puts us before Him, we must obey. How could we not? But the Lord wants our wilful obedience. He wants us to choose to love Him, even further than that He wants us to recognize that we don't have the capacity to love Him but to want to so much that we cry out to be filled with His very Spirit, that Spirit that brings us into direct communication with the Lord, that fills us with His love so that we can pour it back out in praise and worship to Him. How great is our God!
The shame of knowing that I have ignored my Lord, after everything He has led me through, after everything He has done for me...the shame overwhelms me. I can look back over my life and wonder how I could be so stubborn, so stupid to believe that anything less than obedience would be sufficient for God.
Sweet, sweet obedience. Loss of myself. None of self and all of Thee. Empty pockets and open hands. Willful slavery to the cross.
Weigh me down. Wreck my world. Strip me of my idols. Holy Spirit rush through me. Lord convict me. Christ lead me to the cross.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sacrifice.
This morning I picked up Radical by David Platt and read a chapter. The chapter was called "How Much is Too Much" and talks about the rich young ruler who Jesus told to sell all possessions in order to follow Christ.
The past week or maybe even longer than that have been stressful for me. The pressure of finding a job as bills piled up, going through training, keeping up with school, discipling a younger sister, with romantic interests sprinkled all in there. Once I start making money, who do I pay back first? When do I find time to read chapters for school, do defensive driving for the county, spend time with family, grow new friendships around me? Is dating a good idea right now or should I worry about other things? Even further back, I was consumed with finding furniture pieces for my room, to create exactly the environment I wanted. I have a to-do list that grows rather than diminishes and I never stop thinking about it.
Every day I look into the eyes of a homeless man or woman just a few feet away from me. Every day I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. If I'm feeling cowardly, I won't even look in their direction. Several days a week I siit next to men and women who are struggling, single moms with several kids and a full-time job who is trying to get an education. Several days a week, I work with men and women who make money to waste it on drinking, possessions, and fun times. There are children who live here in Austin that don't have a solid home, that are jumped from foster house to foster house. There are women raped and abused with no way out and no belief in any other kind of life.
And this is just in Austin. There are so many more hurting and needy people worldwide.
How can I stress? How can I worry about furniture or anything for that matter? Isn't Christ Lord of all? Doesn't God hold everything in His hands? Do I think that I can add one day to my life through my stressing and worrying?
Satan knows that all he has to do is distract me from what really matters. To be consumed with life, with what is "good" and "right" and to ignore or forget about what is "gospel" and "Truth".
When I'm worried, I pull into my own little world. I can't see anything outside of the bubble inside my own head. I'm selfish, thinking and caring only about myself and what I can accomplish.
Lord forgive me. You have told me time and time again that you have my finances under control. You have told me time and time again, this is where you want my focus. I know that when I am surrendered to You, when Your Spirit fills me than allt he cares of this world fade away and I find myself pushing to love as much as Your love can pulse through my body. When I release my hold on everything, You guide my hands to touch the hurt, the sick, those desperate for love. Knowing this, how can I ever pull my hands back?
God I am so depraved. I would rather live for myself than for You. This morning Lord I am reminded of how much You have given me. Lord, rather than basking in my blessings, I want to give them out. Open my eyes Lord, give me ears to hear the cries around me. Fill me with the Spirit that resonates Your will. I lay my hands off of everything Lord and recognize it's ownership in You. Get these things to those that need them Lord. I need nothing Lord but You for man does not live on bread alone. Forgive your daughter for her intentional blindness. Challenge my thoughts, my actions, my will Lord. Weigh down on me with Your glory, expose that which is evil in my heart, scrape the mud off the walls of my life. Blast me with Your Spirit, remove everything that is not bringing glory to Your name. Not what I want Lord, but what You desire. May my thoughts follow Your thoughts, my ways follow Your ways. Empty pockets and open hands I stand before You and praise You for You are I Am.
The past week or maybe even longer than that have been stressful for me. The pressure of finding a job as bills piled up, going through training, keeping up with school, discipling a younger sister, with romantic interests sprinkled all in there. Once I start making money, who do I pay back first? When do I find time to read chapters for school, do defensive driving for the county, spend time with family, grow new friendships around me? Is dating a good idea right now or should I worry about other things? Even further back, I was consumed with finding furniture pieces for my room, to create exactly the environment I wanted. I have a to-do list that grows rather than diminishes and I never stop thinking about it.
Every day I look into the eyes of a homeless man or woman just a few feet away from me. Every day I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. If I'm feeling cowardly, I won't even look in their direction. Several days a week I siit next to men and women who are struggling, single moms with several kids and a full-time job who is trying to get an education. Several days a week, I work with men and women who make money to waste it on drinking, possessions, and fun times. There are children who live here in Austin that don't have a solid home, that are jumped from foster house to foster house. There are women raped and abused with no way out and no belief in any other kind of life.
And this is just in Austin. There are so many more hurting and needy people worldwide.
How can I stress? How can I worry about furniture or anything for that matter? Isn't Christ Lord of all? Doesn't God hold everything in His hands? Do I think that I can add one day to my life through my stressing and worrying?
Satan knows that all he has to do is distract me from what really matters. To be consumed with life, with what is "good" and "right" and to ignore or forget about what is "gospel" and "Truth".
When I'm worried, I pull into my own little world. I can't see anything outside of the bubble inside my own head. I'm selfish, thinking and caring only about myself and what I can accomplish.
Lord forgive me. You have told me time and time again that you have my finances under control. You have told me time and time again, this is where you want my focus. I know that when I am surrendered to You, when Your Spirit fills me than allt he cares of this world fade away and I find myself pushing to love as much as Your love can pulse through my body. When I release my hold on everything, You guide my hands to touch the hurt, the sick, those desperate for love. Knowing this, how can I ever pull my hands back?
God I am so depraved. I would rather live for myself than for You. This morning Lord I am reminded of how much You have given me. Lord, rather than basking in my blessings, I want to give them out. Open my eyes Lord, give me ears to hear the cries around me. Fill me with the Spirit that resonates Your will. I lay my hands off of everything Lord and recognize it's ownership in You. Get these things to those that need them Lord. I need nothing Lord but You for man does not live on bread alone. Forgive your daughter for her intentional blindness. Challenge my thoughts, my actions, my will Lord. Weigh down on me with Your glory, expose that which is evil in my heart, scrape the mud off the walls of my life. Blast me with Your Spirit, remove everything that is not bringing glory to Your name. Not what I want Lord, but what You desire. May my thoughts follow Your thoughts, my ways follow Your ways. Empty pockets and open hands I stand before You and praise You for You are I Am.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Men/Women
Moving is a weird thing. It's weird to wake up in a seemingly new room every day. It's weird to look out the window at neighbors you've never met. It's weird to have to use google maps before you go anywhere. It's weird to walk into a school and not recognize any faces. It's weird to see a homeless man or woman at almost every intersection. It's weird to go to a church where you don't know anyone.
It's like a constant feeling of disorientation. It's not horrible. You don't feel panicky or stricken in terror. It's not necessarily great either. At home, your year of isolation had nice vacations when you ventured into activities with old friends. Can't do that here. Everyone is new, everything is new. It's easy to not date back home, because everyone just knows that you don't. No one knows that here. In fact, because of your instant friendliness, and because for whatever reason it is hard for women to befriend other women...because of all of this, men may automatically assume you are available, thereby ruining their friendship, and women may believe you are only interested in getting your man, thereby killing the potential for that friendship.
Women are great at being nice and cordial and smiling with new people, but very rarely do they befriend them instantly. No, to become a friend you must wait weeks maybe months of polite nothings before they will ever make contact, get your phone number, call you, text you, Facebook you, invite you, include you. Now if you are the sort that doesn't like to wait, that sees all this social hoopla as nonsense, then you may be the one to approach them first, but then of course you seem friendless and maybe a little pathetic. Only women with cold hearts can turn away a crying puppy and there aren't many women with cold hearts. But not many women notice or take in a full grown dog that is healthy and happy. Not until that dog bows down before them, whimpering and whining, perhaps faining a hurt leg, only then will the woman welcome it into her home, her life. But from then on, that dog is her charity case.
Things are so much easier with men. It's all very cut and dry, no pish posh or fiddle faddle. Black and white. Left or right. You're either this or you're that. A man does not like to play around with words. He likes to get his idea out, he likes to speak his mind and to speak it plainly. He plays by the social laws that require small talk but cannot wait til that part is over. He is like you and wants to have conversations about things that matter, things that make a difference. Talking about the weather is all fine and dandy but talking about life is so much more engaging. A man recognizes someone who speaks their mind and immediately respects them for it, whether they agree. They can appreciate a person who has observed, studied, researched, and come to conclusions about things. They like to talk to these people. Having talked, they like to get to know these people better. Instant friendship.
Why is it that I continually find that it is easy peasy to make friends with men, but insanely difficult to make friends with women? It's not that our interests don't line up. I love babies and families, I wear makeup, I own heels and dresses, I'm just as much of a woman as anyone else. Is it something inherent in every woman? Part of our curse from eating of the Tree of Knowledge? Painful child labor, desire for your husband, and oh yeah, near impossible to make friends with other women. Is it just me? Is there something about me that tells women "uh, no"?
God, you're telling me to invest in women. You've told me that a large portion of my ministry is to be to women. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know how to engage women. I can make almost any man laugh within 3 minutes of talking with him. I can have a deep conversation with a man over coffee and instantly have a friend. I can call a man in time of need and he jumps to help me. But I cannot get a woman to talk to me longer than 2 minutes before she's moved on to someone else.
Not that I blame you Lord. I know that I pursued friendships and relationships with men for 20 years and didn't care about women. In fact, I probably shunned a fair share of women in my time. I know that I have always struggled to be friends with women. It's just so much harder than men. If I don't talk to a man for a couple years and then call him, he's excited to hear from me. If I do the same with a woman, she deleted my number months ago and ignores my call. Women aren't reasonable Lord! They don't make any sense. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say "Why don't you like me? I'm actually pretty awesome if you'd just notice!"
I don't know how to keep a friendship. I've failed at multiple best friends...my current best friend has forgiven me for oodles of things, and it's only by the grace of God that she's still around. I don't know how to initiate, I'm awkward and clumsy. I stress about saying the right thing, doing the right thing. One wrong move and I can see my progress slipping back down the hill. Back to square one.
You did it this way on purpose didn't You? You have a way of doing that. Of calling me to something that I am utterly incapable of doing, just so I can't be prideful in my own accomplishments.
Thank you. Lord, that You love me to break me of my pride. To pull out the very ground from underneath me. Wreck me Lord. Ruin me. You are all that matters. Your Kingdom. Your glory. Your gospel. Your Word. Bring my castles to the ground and shatter me. Empty pockets, open hands I stand before You naked of anything I can possess or create.
It's like a constant feeling of disorientation. It's not horrible. You don't feel panicky or stricken in terror. It's not necessarily great either. At home, your year of isolation had nice vacations when you ventured into activities with old friends. Can't do that here. Everyone is new, everything is new. It's easy to not date back home, because everyone just knows that you don't. No one knows that here. In fact, because of your instant friendliness, and because for whatever reason it is hard for women to befriend other women...because of all of this, men may automatically assume you are available, thereby ruining their friendship, and women may believe you are only interested in getting your man, thereby killing the potential for that friendship.
Women are great at being nice and cordial and smiling with new people, but very rarely do they befriend them instantly. No, to become a friend you must wait weeks maybe months of polite nothings before they will ever make contact, get your phone number, call you, text you, Facebook you, invite you, include you. Now if you are the sort that doesn't like to wait, that sees all this social hoopla as nonsense, then you may be the one to approach them first, but then of course you seem friendless and maybe a little pathetic. Only women with cold hearts can turn away a crying puppy and there aren't many women with cold hearts. But not many women notice or take in a full grown dog that is healthy and happy. Not until that dog bows down before them, whimpering and whining, perhaps faining a hurt leg, only then will the woman welcome it into her home, her life. But from then on, that dog is her charity case.
Things are so much easier with men. It's all very cut and dry, no pish posh or fiddle faddle. Black and white. Left or right. You're either this or you're that. A man does not like to play around with words. He likes to get his idea out, he likes to speak his mind and to speak it plainly. He plays by the social laws that require small talk but cannot wait til that part is over. He is like you and wants to have conversations about things that matter, things that make a difference. Talking about the weather is all fine and dandy but talking about life is so much more engaging. A man recognizes someone who speaks their mind and immediately respects them for it, whether they agree. They can appreciate a person who has observed, studied, researched, and come to conclusions about things. They like to talk to these people. Having talked, they like to get to know these people better. Instant friendship.
Why is it that I continually find that it is easy peasy to make friends with men, but insanely difficult to make friends with women? It's not that our interests don't line up. I love babies and families, I wear makeup, I own heels and dresses, I'm just as much of a woman as anyone else. Is it something inherent in every woman? Part of our curse from eating of the Tree of Knowledge? Painful child labor, desire for your husband, and oh yeah, near impossible to make friends with other women. Is it just me? Is there something about me that tells women "uh, no"?
God, you're telling me to invest in women. You've told me that a large portion of my ministry is to be to women. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know how to engage women. I can make almost any man laugh within 3 minutes of talking with him. I can have a deep conversation with a man over coffee and instantly have a friend. I can call a man in time of need and he jumps to help me. But I cannot get a woman to talk to me longer than 2 minutes before she's moved on to someone else.
Not that I blame you Lord. I know that I pursued friendships and relationships with men for 20 years and didn't care about women. In fact, I probably shunned a fair share of women in my time. I know that I have always struggled to be friends with women. It's just so much harder than men. If I don't talk to a man for a couple years and then call him, he's excited to hear from me. If I do the same with a woman, she deleted my number months ago and ignores my call. Women aren't reasonable Lord! They don't make any sense. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say "Why don't you like me? I'm actually pretty awesome if you'd just notice!"
I don't know how to keep a friendship. I've failed at multiple best friends...my current best friend has forgiven me for oodles of things, and it's only by the grace of God that she's still around. I don't know how to initiate, I'm awkward and clumsy. I stress about saying the right thing, doing the right thing. One wrong move and I can see my progress slipping back down the hill. Back to square one.
You did it this way on purpose didn't You? You have a way of doing that. Of calling me to something that I am utterly incapable of doing, just so I can't be prideful in my own accomplishments.
Thank you. Lord, that You love me to break me of my pride. To pull out the very ground from underneath me. Wreck me Lord. Ruin me. You are all that matters. Your Kingdom. Your glory. Your gospel. Your Word. Bring my castles to the ground and shatter me. Empty pockets, open hands I stand before You naked of anything I can possess or create.
"How deep the Father's love for us?.
How vast beyond all measure?
That He could give His only son
to make a wretch His treasure
.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which the marred the Chosen One.
Bring many sons to glory
.
Behold the Man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out amongst the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything,
no gifts no power no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection"
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Further the Kingdom
The Holy Spirit is Comfort, our Guide, the very Life of Christ living and breathing in and through us. The Holy Spirit is Power, unconstrained by any physical laws that we operate under. It's fuel is God's love for us, for all of His creation.
The Holy Spirit is wonderful. It is God's presence dwelling inside of us. Can we really understand the magnitude of that? God, our Lord, who is infinitely huge, who is not contained in any physical form (Christ, the Son, is), who knows ALL things (have you ever tried to sit and understand what "knowing all things" REALLY means? Ever try to wrap your mind around that? Mind = blown.), who controls all things, that God sends HIs Spirit to you so that you can be in HIs presence here on earth, before going to heaven. Because your earthly body can't stand the glory of God, if you were to stand in His presence now. Your body would explode or melt or crumble to dust or something else equally, horrifyingly freeing. (The image of that is disturbing to us, because we operate so much on the physical realm and hold the physical world above that of the spiritual. For those of us who are in Christ, losing our physical bodies just means we are in the presence of God...and we can find no greater joy than that!) Isn't it crazy, that God wants us to experience the best that He has to offer, before He can technically offer it? Because offering Himself automatically kills our body. Moses had to hide in a crevice of the mountain and hide his face until God had already passed him, and then catch just a glimpse of the back of God's head...and he was greatly affected by just that little bit! I would guess that God protected Moses in ways he didn't understand, for him to even glimpse that much of God the Father.
Understanding all of this, why do we bury our faces in the physical? Why am I so obsessed with getting that extra hour of sleep or eating my favorite food for dinner? Why do I concentrate all my powers of concentration on weaving through traffic to avoid being late to work or school? Why is nothing ever my fault, it's all the forces of the world working against me?
Don't we know that the physical and the spiritual are seamlessly intertwined? Yet we continue to separate the two in our mind. My quiet time, my prayers, my reading the Bible before bed, all of these things are the spiritual aspects of my life. Maybe even the times I witness to my friends or family. But the rest of my life is mine, as long as I obey the 10 commandments. As long as I'm not lusting, I can watch as much tv as I want. As long as I'm not stealing, I can window-shop for hours. As long as I'm not disobeying my parents, I can hang out with whoever I want.
We don't understand that everything is under God's dominion. The spiritual world is not God's, and the physical the Enemy's. Nay, it is all God's and to exalt His own glory, God allows the Enemy to operate in both worlds for a while. From the healing power we see in miracles, to the food that you eat, God is in control. God does not wait for us to relinquish control, He already has it. What He waits for is our willingness to pull our heads out of our butts, look skyward, and realize that it's not all about us.
Surrender every aspect of our lives. Not just in the quiet times of the morning, when we list off "friends, family, possessions, life". How much time do you spend on the toilet? Did you ever stop to think that God could use that time for His kingdom and yet you eat burritos every day that leave you pooping for hours? Do you take any care in your food or your exercise and understand the spiritual aspects of it? If you are constantly tired and take naps, how are you impacting God's kingdom? How is He able to use you if every time He turns around you are listless or sleeping?
Are you getting it? Everything matters to God! From the decor of your room to the classes you take in college to the texts, emails, phone calls you have with other people to the books you read to the movies you watch.
Ask, in everything, does this glorify Christ and further His kingdom? If the answer is no, or you're not sure, seek the Lord on cutting that out of your life. Because we want nothing to hinder us in our pursuit of Him. We want nothing slowing us down or holding us back. Lose that which so easily entangles, that which you do not even know is entangling you!
The Holy Spirit is wonderful. It is God's presence dwelling inside of us. Can we really understand the magnitude of that? God, our Lord, who is infinitely huge, who is not contained in any physical form (Christ, the Son, is), who knows ALL things (have you ever tried to sit and understand what "knowing all things" REALLY means? Ever try to wrap your mind around that? Mind = blown.), who controls all things, that God sends HIs Spirit to you so that you can be in HIs presence here on earth, before going to heaven. Because your earthly body can't stand the glory of God, if you were to stand in His presence now. Your body would explode or melt or crumble to dust or something else equally, horrifyingly freeing. (The image of that is disturbing to us, because we operate so much on the physical realm and hold the physical world above that of the spiritual. For those of us who are in Christ, losing our physical bodies just means we are in the presence of God...and we can find no greater joy than that!) Isn't it crazy, that God wants us to experience the best that He has to offer, before He can technically offer it? Because offering Himself automatically kills our body. Moses had to hide in a crevice of the mountain and hide his face until God had already passed him, and then catch just a glimpse of the back of God's head...and he was greatly affected by just that little bit! I would guess that God protected Moses in ways he didn't understand, for him to even glimpse that much of God the Father.
Understanding all of this, why do we bury our faces in the physical? Why am I so obsessed with getting that extra hour of sleep or eating my favorite food for dinner? Why do I concentrate all my powers of concentration on weaving through traffic to avoid being late to work or school? Why is nothing ever my fault, it's all the forces of the world working against me?
Don't we know that the physical and the spiritual are seamlessly intertwined? Yet we continue to separate the two in our mind. My quiet time, my prayers, my reading the Bible before bed, all of these things are the spiritual aspects of my life. Maybe even the times I witness to my friends or family. But the rest of my life is mine, as long as I obey the 10 commandments. As long as I'm not lusting, I can watch as much tv as I want. As long as I'm not stealing, I can window-shop for hours. As long as I'm not disobeying my parents, I can hang out with whoever I want.
We don't understand that everything is under God's dominion. The spiritual world is not God's, and the physical the Enemy's. Nay, it is all God's and to exalt His own glory, God allows the Enemy to operate in both worlds for a while. From the healing power we see in miracles, to the food that you eat, God is in control. God does not wait for us to relinquish control, He already has it. What He waits for is our willingness to pull our heads out of our butts, look skyward, and realize that it's not all about us.
Surrender every aspect of our lives. Not just in the quiet times of the morning, when we list off "friends, family, possessions, life". How much time do you spend on the toilet? Did you ever stop to think that God could use that time for His kingdom and yet you eat burritos every day that leave you pooping for hours? Do you take any care in your food or your exercise and understand the spiritual aspects of it? If you are constantly tired and take naps, how are you impacting God's kingdom? How is He able to use you if every time He turns around you are listless or sleeping?
Are you getting it? Everything matters to God! From the decor of your room to the classes you take in college to the texts, emails, phone calls you have with other people to the books you read to the movies you watch.
Ask, in everything, does this glorify Christ and further His kingdom? If the answer is no, or you're not sure, seek the Lord on cutting that out of your life. Because we want nothing to hinder us in our pursuit of Him. We want nothing slowing us down or holding us back. Lose that which so easily entangles, that which you do not even know is entangling you!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Wait on the Lord
"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in the 'shadow of His hand' (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a 'darkness' that comes from too much light - that is the time to listen."
- Oswald.
It's interesting to me how much of the Bible, or maybe just how much I'm reading lately, talks about being still and knowing God. Our culture is so full of quick results, instant gratification, microwave emotions. We've begun to think that is reality. If he doesn't love me now, he never will. If she does not change now, she never will. I told my friend once to stop drinking, I don't know why he hasn't stopped yet. We're so stuck in doing and if the doing is not producing instantaneously, we move on to another doing. Some people try the Christianity thing, give it a go, but because it doesn't miraculously change their lives, they move on.
And those of us who are committed, who are in it for the long haul can still be discouraged. We get in those valleys, those pits of despair and think it will never change. We believe in God but He begins to look smaller and smaller. Our present affliction begins to look bigger and bigger. It is hard to continue in the same thing without seeing results. It is hard to keep loving someone who never changes their hatred towards us. It is hard to resist temptation every morning, day, and night without it ever getting easier. It is hard.
This past year God had me surrender the entire year to learn discipline. A year of perseverance, a year to "be still and know that He is God." It was an amazing year. But it was only a year. Abraham waited 13 years to hear from God. Could I have waited from 21 to 34 for God to speak? Can I be a dedicated follower of Christ, exemplifying Him as much as my brain can grasp for 13 years? Would I love Him more and more everyday? Would I continue to surrender to Him every morning, study His word, seek His face?
Who am I, that I think "giving a year to God" is something phenomenal? Where does this self righteousness come from, that believes I have graciously bestowed my time to the One who created time? My measly year of surrender is nothing compared to Abraham's 13 years, to Zambian Christians who get up at 4am and pray for 3 hours before their workday. Living in my air-conditioned house with my pantry and fridge overflowing with food, I believe I have suffered for Christ, that I have given up a lot.
What a joke.
"
Abraham went through 13 years of silence but in that time all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed.".
- Oswald
Lord, I think only a fraction of my self-sufficiency was killed this past year. A mere fraction of a fraction. There is still so much of my pride and arrogance left. So much that still demands "Me, Me, Me". You know me, Lord, better than I know myself. Whatever it takes God. Kill my pride. Rid me of myself. Fill me with Your Spirit and Your love and Your grace.
"Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings?"
- Oswald
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
- Proverbs 3:5-8
With my eyes on God, everything else fades in comparison. Not just fades, but disappears. Firmly planted in Christ, years of silence can not phase me. Firmly planted in Christ, lies and deceits can not trick me. Firmly planted in Christ, oppression can not win over me. Firmly planted in Christ, Satan can not have me.
And so with empty pockets and open hands I stand before the Lord and say "None of self and all of Thee."
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thoughts, Musings, Regrets from 2010
It's finally 2011. I used to feel that it would never come. I would be stuck in 2010 forever, never finding relief or change. It's a silly sentiment that humans have quite often, even though it is inevitable that a new year come. Time is change, and to think that you are stuck forever in time is to think the impossible. Things must change, always, in a cyclical fashion, with the ebb and flow of time and the hills and valleys of time.
For the majority of 2010, especially the last quarter of it, my attention was always focused on the conclusion of the year and the start of a new one. I would think about life in Austin, starting school once again, my new job, my own room, and having my grandmother in the house. I was waiting and longing for the end of 2010, for my current pain and stress to be over and for the oasis of 2011. But God doesn't ask us to live in the future, He asks us to live in the now because that is all we have. We aren't promised tomorrow.
It wasn't until the last week of 2010 that I began to reflect over the year. I was too busy up until that point to think of anything other than survival. Or rather, I believed myself too busy. It was in reflection that I began to see opportunities lost, hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Friendships that could have been developed, friendships that should have been started. Sacrifices that would have broadened His Kingdom. Times I should have spoken up and times I should have shut up.
You asked for my year Lord. I gave it to You. You told me to stay at my job until the end of the year and I obeyed. But that is all I did Lord. I failed to see why You told me to stay there. I failed to use the time You gave me. I failed to use the resources You put right in my hand. Instead of giving my all to what You told me to do, I sucked what I could from the people around me.
I obeyed, but what do I have to show for it? I survived, but what is the point of that? Were any souls won for the Kingdom? Were any lives changed? Saved? Lord, I can't even say that I grew in my personal walk with You, since I put it aside while I worried about surviving. If only I could have seen that with You, I not only survive but thrive. If I had just dismissed the lies in my head and had sought Your face, my end of the year report would have been vastly different. Just a little under Your power is mountains greater than 100% under my own power.
So I start this year with bitter sweet regrets. I rejoice in my time, in the new things to come and yet I am sick over the year wasted. Lord, may this failure be burned into my mind. Never let me forget the many opportunities lost because of my own selfishness. Lord, I pray that You would have mercy on those I never witnessed to. Send them other servants who are more obedient than I. Soften their hearts and prepare them for receiving Yourself. I pray that my failure would not condemn them for hell. I pray that those I have hurt would forgive me for the wrongs I've done. Lord, make my consequences great and my burden heavy for I never want to make this mistake again. I would lose everything Lord, if only to serve You better.
For the majority of 2010, especially the last quarter of it, my attention was always focused on the conclusion of the year and the start of a new one. I would think about life in Austin, starting school once again, my new job, my own room, and having my grandmother in the house. I was waiting and longing for the end of 2010, for my current pain and stress to be over and for the oasis of 2011. But God doesn't ask us to live in the future, He asks us to live in the now because that is all we have. We aren't promised tomorrow.
It wasn't until the last week of 2010 that I began to reflect over the year. I was too busy up until that point to think of anything other than survival. Or rather, I believed myself too busy. It was in reflection that I began to see opportunities lost, hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Friendships that could have been developed, friendships that should have been started. Sacrifices that would have broadened His Kingdom. Times I should have spoken up and times I should have shut up.
You asked for my year Lord. I gave it to You. You told me to stay at my job until the end of the year and I obeyed. But that is all I did Lord. I failed to see why You told me to stay there. I failed to use the time You gave me. I failed to use the resources You put right in my hand. Instead of giving my all to what You told me to do, I sucked what I could from the people around me.
I obeyed, but what do I have to show for it? I survived, but what is the point of that? Were any souls won for the Kingdom? Were any lives changed? Saved? Lord, I can't even say that I grew in my personal walk with You, since I put it aside while I worried about surviving. If only I could have seen that with You, I not only survive but thrive. If I had just dismissed the lies in my head and had sought Your face, my end of the year report would have been vastly different. Just a little under Your power is mountains greater than 100% under my own power.
So I start this year with bitter sweet regrets. I rejoice in my time, in the new things to come and yet I am sick over the year wasted. Lord, may this failure be burned into my mind. Never let me forget the many opportunities lost because of my own selfishness. Lord, I pray that You would have mercy on those I never witnessed to. Send them other servants who are more obedient than I. Soften their hearts and prepare them for receiving Yourself. I pray that my failure would not condemn them for hell. I pray that those I have hurt would forgive me for the wrongs I've done. Lord, make my consequences great and my burden heavy for I never want to make this mistake again. I would lose everything Lord, if only to serve You better.
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