It's like a constant feeling of disorientation. It's not horrible. You don't feel panicky or stricken in terror. It's not necessarily great either. At home, your year of isolation had nice vacations when you ventured into activities with old friends. Can't do that here. Everyone is new, everything is new. It's easy to not date back home, because everyone just knows that you don't. No one knows that here. In fact, because of your instant friendliness, and because for whatever reason it is hard for women to befriend other women...because of all of this, men may automatically assume you are available, thereby ruining their friendship, and women may believe you are only interested in getting your man, thereby killing the potential for that friendship.
Women are great at being nice and cordial and smiling with new people, but very rarely do they befriend them instantly. No, to become a friend you must wait weeks maybe months of polite nothings before they will ever make contact, get your phone number, call you, text you, Facebook you, invite you, include you. Now if you are the sort that doesn't like to wait, that sees all this social hoopla as nonsense, then you may be the one to approach them first, but then of course you seem friendless and maybe a little pathetic. Only women with cold hearts can turn away a crying puppy and there aren't many women with cold hearts. But not many women notice or take in a full grown dog that is healthy and happy. Not until that dog bows down before them, whimpering and whining, perhaps faining a hurt leg, only then will the woman welcome it into her home, her life. But from then on, that dog is her charity case.
Things are so much easier with men. It's all very cut and dry, no pish posh or fiddle faddle. Black and white. Left or right. You're either this or you're that. A man does not like to play around with words. He likes to get his idea out, he likes to speak his mind and to speak it plainly. He plays by the social laws that require small talk but cannot wait til that part is over. He is like you and wants to have conversations about things that matter, things that make a difference. Talking about the weather is all fine and dandy but talking about life is so much more engaging. A man recognizes someone who speaks their mind and immediately respects them for it, whether they agree. They can appreciate a person who has observed, studied, researched, and come to conclusions about things. They like to talk to these people. Having talked, they like to get to know these people better. Instant friendship.
Why is it that I continually find that it is easy peasy to make friends with men, but insanely difficult to make friends with women? It's not that our interests don't line up. I love babies and families, I wear makeup, I own heels and dresses, I'm just as much of a woman as anyone else. Is it something inherent in every woman? Part of our curse from eating of the Tree of Knowledge? Painful child labor, desire for your husband, and oh yeah, near impossible to make friends with other women. Is it just me? Is there something about me that tells women "uh, no"?
God, you're telling me to invest in women. You've told me that a large portion of my ministry is to be to women. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know how to engage women. I can make almost any man laugh within 3 minutes of talking with him. I can have a deep conversation with a man over coffee and instantly have a friend. I can call a man in time of need and he jumps to help me. But I cannot get a woman to talk to me longer than 2 minutes before she's moved on to someone else.
Not that I blame you Lord. I know that I pursued friendships and relationships with men for 20 years and didn't care about women. In fact, I probably shunned a fair share of women in my time. I know that I have always struggled to be friends with women. It's just so much harder than men. If I don't talk to a man for a couple years and then call him, he's excited to hear from me. If I do the same with a woman, she deleted my number months ago and ignores my call. Women aren't reasonable Lord! They don't make any sense. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say "Why don't you like me? I'm actually pretty awesome if you'd just notice!"
I don't know how to keep a friendship. I've failed at multiple best friends...my current best friend has forgiven me for oodles of things, and it's only by the grace of God that she's still around. I don't know how to initiate, I'm awkward and clumsy. I stress about saying the right thing, doing the right thing. One wrong move and I can see my progress slipping back down the hill. Back to square one.
You did it this way on purpose didn't You? You have a way of doing that. Of calling me to something that I am utterly incapable of doing, just so I can't be prideful in my own accomplishments.
Thank you. Lord, that You love me to break me of my pride. To pull out the very ground from underneath me. Wreck me Lord. Ruin me. You are all that matters. Your Kingdom. Your glory. Your gospel. Your Word. Bring my castles to the ground and shatter me. Empty pockets, open hands I stand before You naked of anything I can possess or create.
"How deep the Father's love for us?.
How vast beyond all measure?
That He could give His only son
to make a wretch His treasure
.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which the marred the Chosen One.
Bring many sons to glory
.
Behold the Man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out amongst the scoffers.
It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything,
no gifts no power no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection"
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