It's finally 2011. I used to feel that it would never come. I would be stuck in 2010 forever, never finding relief or change. It's a silly sentiment that humans have quite often, even though it is inevitable that a new year come. Time is change, and to think that you are stuck forever in time is to think the impossible. Things must change, always, in a cyclical fashion, with the ebb and flow of time and the hills and valleys of time.
For the majority of 2010, especially the last quarter of it, my attention was always focused on the conclusion of the year and the start of a new one. I would think about life in Austin, starting school once again, my new job, my own room, and having my grandmother in the house. I was waiting and longing for the end of 2010, for my current pain and stress to be over and for the oasis of 2011. But God doesn't ask us to live in the future, He asks us to live in the now because that is all we have. We aren't promised tomorrow.
It wasn't until the last week of 2010 that I began to reflect over the year. I was too busy up until that point to think of anything other than survival. Or rather, I believed myself too busy. It was in reflection that I began to see opportunities lost, hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Friendships that could have been developed, friendships that should have been started. Sacrifices that would have broadened His Kingdom. Times I should have spoken up and times I should have shut up.
You asked for my year Lord. I gave it to You. You told me to stay at my job until the end of the year and I obeyed. But that is all I did Lord. I failed to see why You told me to stay there. I failed to use the time You gave me. I failed to use the resources You put right in my hand. Instead of giving my all to what You told me to do, I sucked what I could from the people around me.
I obeyed, but what do I have to show for it? I survived, but what is the point of that? Were any souls won for the Kingdom? Were any lives changed? Saved? Lord, I can't even say that I grew in my personal walk with You, since I put it aside while I worried about surviving. If only I could have seen that with You, I not only survive but thrive. If I had just dismissed the lies in my head and had sought Your face, my end of the year report would have been vastly different. Just a little under Your power is mountains greater than 100% under my own power.
So I start this year with bitter sweet regrets. I rejoice in my time, in the new things to come and yet I am sick over the year wasted. Lord, may this failure be burned into my mind. Never let me forget the many opportunities lost because of my own selfishness. Lord, I pray that You would have mercy on those I never witnessed to. Send them other servants who are more obedient than I. Soften their hearts and prepare them for receiving Yourself. I pray that my failure would not condemn them for hell. I pray that those I have hurt would forgive me for the wrongs I've done. Lord, make my consequences great and my burden heavy for I never want to make this mistake again. I would lose everything Lord, if only to serve You better.
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