It is completely humbling to realize just how much is wrong with you. Or rather, to see the tip of the wrongness and be shocked by it's bigness and then realize there is an entire iceberg under the surface that you can't even see yet.
So much in my thought process is erroneous. The way I think about things, the way I relate things, the conclusions I make, the things I mull over, the things I pass over, the things I stress about and the things I don't care about.
So much in my actions are wrong. Habits of years and years that I'm finally seeing are wrong, not just the way things are. So many tones of voice, small phrases I say, body language, etc is so hurtful to other people and I had no idea.
More and more is being revealed to me. I praise God that ever since I surrendered in 2009 He has been growing me in leaps and bounds in my understanding of Him, in my daily walk with Him, in my obedience, and in my knowledge of Scriptures. Now, I'm blessed that I have someone who is in direct relationship with me, who sees all this wrong in me and is in a position to speak truth to me. To call me out and hold me accountable. Not to condemn me or respond in ugliness, but to teach and process with me. It's interesting to think about just a year ago or even 5 years ago and how desperate I was for a husband, for a companion, for someone to want to be with me always and how I was completely not ready to be in such a relationship. And then I think about now, about to be married in less than 2 months...I'm not that much different from who I was then. I have definitely grown but I am still just as not ready for the relationship I am in. I want it. I need it. I would be lost without it. But I am not giving as much to the relationship as God calls a wife to be. There is still so much bitterness and anger and selfishness in my heart that rises up against my fiancé on an almost daily basis. I think about all this and I praise God for His grace and His mercy, that He would allow me the desire of my heart even though I do not deserve it...and that my fiancé would love me and commit to me despite myself. I am so incredibly blessed.
One thing I am thinking through today, as something that has been brought to my attention, is my habit of thinking in comparisons. The more I think about it, the more I realize just HOW DEEP my thoughts are steeped in comparisons.
I compare myself to other women. I'm not as slim as her, as athletic as her, my hair isn't as long, I'm not as good with makeup as her, I don't have nice handwriting as her, I don't throw parties like her, I'm not as friendly as her, I don't speak as well as her, I don't sing as well as her, I'm not as talented as her, I'm nothing like her.
I think about girls my fiancé has dated before. To my shame, I worry that I don't kiss as well as her, that I'm not as adventurous as she was, that I'm not as sexy or as appealing. After everything I do with my fiancé or for my fiancé, I wonder if she did it better and if he's remembering it.
Probably the most shameful, I compare myself in order to make myself feel better. I'm not as stupid as her, I'm not as ugly as her, I'm not as catty, I would never be that lame, I will never weigh that much, I will never be that rude, I will never be that bitchy.
When my fiancé quietly (or sometimes not as quietly) points out my sin, I immediately compare in my head to things he's done before, things my mother has done, things his mother has done, things other women have done and I try and come up with someone who's done the same or done worse so I can tell myself "Ya, but it's not that big of a deal. You mean well, you didn't really want to do that, and besides he/she has done it more often or done worse. One slip is ok, cut yourself some slack."
Is my desperation apparent to anyone yet? Can you see my lack of identity in Christ? My complete disbelief in who He says I am, who He says He is? Can you see my complete fascination and love affair with myself? No wonder I am antsy all the time, no wonder I can't sit still for hours and just be with God and think on Him and sing to Him and talk with Him. No wonder my soul is weighted, no wonder I keep cracking under the pressure, no wonder I'm sobbing on the phone to my fiancé. No wonder I'm discontent and worried about people's opinion of me, no wonder I despise myself inside and out.
There is so much rot inside this tree. So many dead branches, lifeless limbs, such shallow roots. Cut me to a stump Lord. Rid me of every inch of sickness and disease and death, cleanse me of myself. Break me Lord because I am dying and I want so desperately to live. Thank You for giving me life in the first place, for chasing me down and pursuing me and wooing me even though I whore myself out to idols. Thank You for being faithful while I am faithless, for loving when I hate, for staying by my side when I run away. You are the only solution to my brokenness, the only Healer, the only One who completes me. None of self and all of Thee Lord, clean me, kill me, restore me.
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