Men/Women

Moving is a weird thing. It's weird to wake up in a seemingly new room every day. It's weird to look out the window at neighbors you've never met. It's weird to have to use google maps before you go anywhere. It's weird to walk into a school and not recognize any faces. It's weird to see a homeless man or woman at almost every intersection. It's weird to go to a church where you don't know anyone.

It's like a constant feeling of disorientation. It's not horrible. You don't feel panicky or stricken in terror. It's not necessarily great either. At home, your year of isolation had nice vacations when you ventured into activities with old friends. Can't do that here. Everyone is new, everything is new. It's easy to not date back home, because everyone just knows that you don't. No one knows that here. In fact, because of your instant friendliness, and because for whatever reason it is hard for women to befriend other women...because of all of this, men may automatically assume you are available, thereby ruining their friendship, and women may believe you are only interested in getting your man, thereby killing the potential for that friendship.

Women are great at being nice and cordial and smiling with new people, but very rarely do they befriend them instantly. No, to become a friend you must wait weeks maybe months of polite nothings before they will ever make contact, get your phone number, call you, text you, Facebook you, invite you, include you. Now if you are the sort that doesn't like to wait, that sees all this social hoopla as nonsense, then you may be the one to approach them first, but then of course you seem friendless and maybe a little pathetic. Only women with cold hearts can turn away a crying puppy and there aren't many women with cold hearts. But not many women notice or take in a full grown dog that is healthy and happy. Not until that dog bows down before them, whimpering and whining, perhaps faining a hurt leg, only then will the woman welcome it into her home, her life. But from then on, that dog is her charity case.

Things are so much easier with men. It's all very cut and dry, no pish posh or fiddle faddle. Black and white. Left or right. You're either this or you're that. A man does not like to play around with words. He likes to get his idea out, he likes to speak his mind and to speak it plainly. He plays by the social laws that require small talk but cannot wait til that part is over. He is like you and wants to have conversations about things that matter, things that make a difference. Talking about the weather is all fine and dandy but talking about life is so much more engaging. A man recognizes someone who speaks their mind and immediately respects them for it, whether they agree. They can appreciate a person who has observed, studied, researched, and come to conclusions about things. They like to talk to these people. Having talked, they like to get to know these people better. Instant friendship.

Why is it that I continually find that it is easy peasy to make friends with men, but insanely difficult to make friends with women? It's not that our interests don't line up. I love babies and families, I wear makeup, I own heels and dresses, I'm just as much of a woman as anyone else. Is it something inherent in every woman? Part of our curse from eating of the Tree of Knowledge? Painful child labor, desire for your husband, and oh yeah, near impossible to make friends with other women. Is it just me? Is there something about me that tells women "uh, no"?

God, you're telling me to invest in women. You've told me that a large portion of my ministry is to be to women. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know how to engage women. I can make almost any man laugh within 3 minutes of talking with him. I can have a deep conversation with a man over coffee and instantly have a friend. I can call a man in time of need and he jumps to help me. But I cannot get a woman to talk to me longer than 2 minutes before she's moved on to someone else.

Not that I blame you Lord. I know that I pursued friendships and relationships with men for 20 years and didn't care about women. In fact, I probably shunned a fair share of women in my time. I know that I have always struggled to be friends with women. It's just so much harder than men. If I don't talk to a man for a couple years and then call him, he's excited to hear from me. If I do the same with a woman, she deleted my number months ago and ignores my call. Women aren't reasonable Lord! They don't make any sense. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say "Why don't you like me? I'm actually pretty awesome if you'd just notice!"

I don't know how to keep a friendship. I've failed at multiple best friends...my current best friend has forgiven me for oodles of things, and it's only by the grace of God that she's still around. I don't know how to initiate, I'm awkward and clumsy. I stress about saying the right thing, doing the right thing. One wrong move and I can see my progress slipping back down the hill. Back to square one.

You did it this way on purpose didn't You? You have a way of doing that. Of calling me to something that I am utterly incapable of doing, just so I can't be prideful in my own accomplishments.

Thank you. Lord, that You love me to break me of my pride. To pull out the very ground from underneath me. Wreck me Lord. Ruin me. You are all that matters. Your Kingdom. Your glory. Your gospel. Your Word. Bring my castles to the ground and shatter me. Empty pockets, open hands I stand before You naked of anything I can possess or create.

"How deep the Father's love for us?
How vast beyond all measure?
That He could give His only son
to make a wretch His treasure
.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which the marred the Chosen One.
Bring many sons to glory
.
Behold the Man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out amongst the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
no gifts no power no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection"

.

Further the Kingdom

The Holy Spirit is Comfort, our Guide, the very Life of Christ living and breathing in and through us. The Holy Spirit is Power, unconstrained by any physical laws that we operate under. It's fuel is God's love for us, for all of His creation.

The Holy Spirit is wonderful. It is God's presence dwelling inside of us. Can we really understand the magnitude of that? God, our Lord, who is infinitely huge, who is not contained in any physical form (Christ, the Son, is), who knows ALL things (have you ever tried to sit and understand what "knowing all things" REALLY means? Ever try to wrap your mind around that? Mind = blown.), who controls all things, that God sends HIs Spirit to you so that you can be in HIs presence here on earth, before going to heaven. Because your earthly body can't stand the glory of God, if you were to stand in His presence now. Your body would explode or melt or crumble to dust or something else equally, horrifyingly freeing. (The image of that is disturbing to us, because we operate so much on the physical realm and hold the physical world above that of the spiritual. For those of us who are in Christ, losing our physical bodies just means we are in the presence of God...and we can find no greater joy than that!) Isn't it crazy, that God wants us to experience the best that He has to offer, before He can technically offer it? Because offering Himself automatically kills our body. Moses had to hide in a crevice of the mountain and hide his face until God had already passed him, and then catch just a glimpse of the back of God's head...and he was greatly affected by just that little bit! I would guess that God protected Moses in ways he didn't understand, for him to even glimpse that much of God the Father.

Understanding all of this, why do we bury our faces in the physical? Why am I so obsessed with getting that extra hour of sleep or eating my favorite food for dinner? Why do I concentrate all my powers of concentration on weaving through traffic to avoid being late to work or school? Why is nothing ever my fault, it's all the forces of the world working against me?

Don't we know that the physical and the spiritual are seamlessly intertwined? Yet we continue to separate the two in our mind. My quiet time, my prayers, my reading the Bible before bed, all of these things are the spiritual aspects of my life. Maybe even the times I witness to my friends or family. But the rest of my life is mine, as long as I obey the 10 commandments. As long as I'm not lusting, I can watch as much tv as I want. As long as I'm not stealing, I can window-shop for hours. As long as I'm not disobeying my parents, I can hang out with whoever I want.

We don't understand that everything is under God's dominion. The spiritual world is not God's, and the physical the Enemy's. Nay, it is all God's and to exalt His own glory, God allows the Enemy to operate in both worlds for a while. From the healing power we see in miracles, to the food that you eat, God is in control. God does not wait for us to relinquish control, He already has it. What He waits for is our willingness to pull our heads out of our butts, look skyward, and realize that it's not all about us.

Surrender every aspect of our lives. Not just in the quiet times of the morning, when we list off "friends, family, possessions, life". How much time do you spend on the toilet? Did you ever stop to think that God could use that time for His kingdom and yet you eat burritos every day that leave you pooping for hours? Do you take any care in your food or your exercise and understand the spiritual aspects of it? If you are constantly tired and take naps, how are you impacting God's kingdom? How is He able to use you if every time He turns around you are listless or sleeping?

Are you getting it? Everything matters to God! From the decor of your room to the classes you take in college to the texts, emails, phone calls you have with other people to the books you read to the movies you watch.

Ask, in everything, does this glorify Christ and further His kingdom? If the answer is no, or you're not sure, seek the Lord on cutting that out of your life. Because we want nothing to hinder us in our pursuit of Him. We want nothing slowing us down or holding us back. Lose that which so easily entangles, that which you do not even know is entangling you!

Wait on the Lord

"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in the 'shadow of His hand' (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a 'darkness' that comes from too much light - that is the time to listen."
- Oswald.

It's interesting to me how much of the Bible, or maybe just how much I'm reading lately, talks about being still and knowing God. Our culture is so full of quick results, instant gratification, microwave emotions. We've begun to think that is reality. If he doesn't love me now, he never will. If she does not change now, she never will. I told my friend once to stop drinking, I don't know why he hasn't stopped yet. We're so stuck in doing and if the doing is not producing instantaneously, we move on to another doing. Some people try the Christianity thing, give it a go, but because it doesn't miraculously change their lives, they move on.

And those of us who are committed, who are in it for the long haul can still be discouraged. We get in those valleys, those pits of despair and think it will never change. We believe in God but He begins to look smaller and smaller. Our present affliction begins to look bigger and bigger. It is hard to continue in the same thing without seeing results. It is hard to keep loving someone who never changes their hatred towards us. It is hard to resist temptation every morning, day, and night without it ever getting easier. It is hard.

This past year God had me surrender the entire year to learn discipline. A year of perseverance, a year to "be still and know that He is God." It was an amazing year. But it was only a year. Abraham waited 13 years to hear from God. Could I have waited from 21 to 34 for God to speak? Can I be a dedicated follower of Christ, exemplifying Him as much as my brain can grasp for 13 years? Would I love Him more and more everyday? Would I continue to surrender to Him every morning, study His word, seek His face?

Who am I, that I think "giving a year to God" is something phenomenal? Where does this self righteousness come from, that believes I have graciously bestowed my time to the One who created time? My measly year of surrender is nothing compared to Abraham's 13 years, to Zambian Christians who get up at 4am and pray for 3 hours before their workday. Living in my air-conditioned house with my pantry and fridge overflowing with food, I believe I have suffered for Christ, that I have given up a lot.

What a joke.

"

Abraham went through 13 years of silence but in that time all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed."
- Oswald

.

Lord, I think only a fraction of my self-sufficiency was killed this past year. A mere fraction of a fraction. There is still so much of my pride and arrogance left. So much that still demands "Me, Me, Me". You know me, Lord, better than I know myself. Whatever it takes God. Kill my pride. Rid me of myself. Fill me with Your Spirit and Your love and Your grace.

"Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings?"
- Oswald

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
- Proverbs 3:5-8

With my eyes on God, everything else fades in comparison. Not just fades, but disappears. Firmly planted in Christ, years of silence can not phase me. Firmly planted in Christ, lies and deceits can not trick me. Firmly planted in Christ, oppression can not win over me. Firmly planted in Christ, Satan can not have me.

And so with empty pockets and open hands I stand before the Lord and say "None of self and all of Thee."

Thoughts, Musings, Regrets from 2010

It's finally 2011. I used to feel that it would never come. I would be stuck in 2010 forever, never finding relief or change. It's a silly sentiment that humans have quite often, even though it is inevitable that a new year come. Time is change, and to think that you are stuck forever in time is to think the impossible. Things must change, always, in a cyclical fashion, with the ebb and flow of time and the hills and valleys of time.

For the majority of 2010, especially the last quarter of it, my attention was always focused on the conclusion of the year and the start of a new one. I would think about life in Austin, starting school once again, my new job, my own room, and having my grandmother in the house. I was waiting and longing for the end of 2010, for my current pain and stress to be over and for the oasis of 2011. But God doesn't ask us to live in the future, He asks us to live in the now because that is all we have. We aren't promised tomorrow.

It wasn't until the last week of 2010 that I began to reflect over the year. I was too busy up until that point to think of anything other than survival. Or rather, I believed myself too busy. It was in reflection that I began to see opportunities lost, hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Friendships that could have been developed, friendships that should have been started. Sacrifices that would have broadened His Kingdom. Times I should have spoken up and times I should have shut up.

You asked for my year Lord. I gave it to You. You told me to stay at my job until the end of the year and I obeyed. But that is all I did Lord. I failed to see why You told me to stay there. I failed to use the time You gave me. I failed to use the resources You put right in my hand. Instead of giving my all to what You told me to do, I sucked what I could from the people around me.

I obeyed, but what do I have to show for it? I survived, but what is the point of that? Were any souls won for the Kingdom? Were any lives changed? Saved? Lord, I can't even say that I grew in my personal walk with You, since I put it aside while I worried about surviving. If only I could have seen that with You, I not only survive but thrive. If I had just dismissed the lies in my head and had sought Your face, my end of the year report would have been vastly different. Just a little under Your power is mountains greater than 100% under my own power.

So I start this year with bitter sweet regrets. I rejoice in my time, in the new things to come and yet I am sick over the year wasted. Lord, may this failure be burned into my mind. Never let me forget the many opportunities lost because of my own selfishness. Lord, I pray that You would have mercy on those I never witnessed to. Send them other servants who are more obedient than I. Soften their hearts and prepare them for receiving Yourself. I pray that my failure would not condemn them for hell. I pray that those I have hurt would forgive me for the wrongs I've done. Lord, make my consequences great and my burden heavy for I never want to make this mistake again. I would lose everything Lord, if only to serve You better.

Demons

I have anger issues. A demon that hides for days at a time and rips through my chest when least expected. An anti-Sarah that lurks in the recesses of myself, poking her head out now and then.

Sometimes I can control it, her, them. Other times, I can't. No one knows this better than my family. My parents have seen me lose all control, throwing chairs and slamming doors. My sisters have seen my face contort in rage and felt my fists.

Self righteous anger. Rage fueled by my own morals and ethics.

You shouldn't be doing that.

You won't stop unless I make you.

The only way to stop you is beat it out of you.

How long before that last phrase becomes "kill you"?

The real Sarah, the one of Spirit and not flesh, cries for the pain she inflicts. She wants to protect and heal, not hurt and injure. Her dream is to fight against those that beat down the helpless, to reign victorious over the dictators and oppressors of the world.

It isn't enough. It isn't enough to hope and wish and dream. Only action makes a difference. Only movement changes things. But action devoid of dreams, devoid of hope is destructive. Impulsiveness, lashing out, all this does is tear down. It never builds up.

How can I apologize? How can I make amends? How can I be forgiven, when the demons inside of me strike again? They strike because I let them. They are there because I harbor them. I protect them. I feel stronger, safer with them. No one can touch me, no one can hurt me.

I'm just flesh and bones after all. What am I? Flesh that melts, bones that dry, crack, and fall into dust. Skin that breaks, rips, veins that bleed, organs that burst. One wrong move, and it's all done. One small glitch and the whole computer shuts down. Such a great balance, tipped one way and it's all over. Only He keeps that balance. Only He controls it. Only He maintains it.

So what am I? Just a creation. A creation no different than any other. A sinful, disgusting creature full of malice, lust, pride, and folly.

Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope.

You died Lord.

You died Lord.

Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn the Father's love song goes,

drowning out my bitter song and breaking through walls and barriers,

Christ swoops in,

removes sin,

picks up His bride and carries her so I can sing in agreement with the King this thing.

'There's only one thing that please the Father,

the God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers.

Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers,

and I'm finally free in the love of the Father'.

Matthew 1

It is interesting to me that Matthew starts off his book with the genealogy of Abraham to Joseph, Jesus' father. But Joseph isn't literally Jesus' father, Joseph is the adopted father. Because Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, not from Joseph. None of Joseph's DNA was a part of Jesus. so I don't know why it matters that Joseph is a descendant of Abraham and David. Because that lineage stops at Joseph and doesn't continue to Jesus.

Joseph really is a class act. There couldn't have been a better man chosen to marry Mary (saying that out loud sounds funny). That's how they did marriages back then, the parents chose their son to marry another set of parents daughter. So these parents, Joseph's and Mary's, met together, probably several times. They discussed who their son/daughter was, the character and skills and mannerisms. The offer is made, would you allow your daughter to marry our son? Mary's parents have thought about it a lot and have come to the decision that, yes, Joseph would be a fine choice for their daughter.

So after all this deliberation, the parents are pleased with the match and are busy with the final preparations, all of a sudden Mary seems to have gained a lot of weight. And soon it is obvious that she is pregnant. Her parents must have given her a lip-lashing, grilling her on who the other man was and how could she shame her family like this. How do you tell your parents that you're still a virgin, in fact you are pregnant with the Saviour of the world? Even if Mary did tell her parents that, you know what her parents were probably thinking? The Son of God would never come in such a disgraceful manner. He wouldn't be born to a sinful girl like you. Everything Mary has ever done wrong would immediately scroll through her parents brains and while they love their daughter and believe her to be a great girl, suddenly they would remember every sin she committed. And it would just be impossible.

Mary's friends, what would they think? I imagine she would have at least one friend that would remain true. She'd accept Mary, even though she thinks she committed adultery. She may beg Mary to reveal who the secret lover is, and be put out when Mary continues to insist that there is no other man. Mary's friend would think that Mary is holding out on her, lying to her face. Trust would be gone, and eventually the friendship would dissolve. Mary would be all alone, no peers who believe or respect her anymore. She was probably shunned from her community and her family would be intent on hiding her away, hoping that everyone would forget her sin and shame wouldn't befall the whole family.

Joseph had to be crushed as well. His parents had told him about Mary. Maybe they had met at this point, maybe they hadn't. But he knew about her. He knew her sweetness, her loving kindness, he heard how others who knew her described her. He agreed with his parents that she was a wonderful choice. He was fully prepared to open his arms to her, to draw her into his life, to love her as God loved him. And then it comes out...she's pregnant.

Anger. Shame. Frustration. Disbelief.

How could she? Joseph would feel cut to the core. Betrayed. Who was this other man? Why was he so much better, that Mary had to have him instead of Joseph? Who was this man, that would take another man's future wife? Joseph had attached himself to Mary, in front of the whole community, and she went and embarrassed him to the very center of his being. How could he love such a woman? How could he have sex, have children, make love to a woman who had been held, kissed, who was having another man's baby? How could Joseph look into the eyes of this woman and believe anything she told him? How could he see another man's child every day and not resent him?

Even with all these emotions running through him, Joseph decides to divorce Mary. The most gracious thing he could do. Instead of demanding her death, instead of pursuing his rights as a man betrayed, he has mercy on Mary and decides to spare her any more humiliation by just breaking off the marriage.

In the middle of all this pain, suffering, confusion, drama, hurt, betrayal, lies, etc...in the middle of all this, Christ is born. In this seemingly torn story, God brings redemption. God comes to Joseph and to Mary and says "I am here. I am real. Trust my story."

Trust in the Lord

When it comes right down to it, trusting God is my biggest weakness. In fact, at times it is my biggest rebellion. "No God, I don't want you to do anything. I want to be the one to fix things. I want to take the credit. I want the satisfaction of doing it. I want to bring myself the glory, not You. Just leave me alone."

I can't get away from Proverbs 3:5-8.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. With ALL your heart. With all your heart. Your heart is the metaphor for your emotions, for your feelings. It's kind of the center point of who you are. The Bible says our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know it? Our heart is what we love with, what we mourn with, what we rejoice with. So whatever heart you have, sad or happy, despairing or in love, trust God using it. And not just a part of it, all of it. You should hold nothing back. Your heart shouldn't be trusting in anyone else or in yourself. It's all or nothing baby.

Lean not on your own understanding. Your understanding of anything is limited and sinful. You can't get around that. Your perspective is skewed, your ideas are faulty. You are not an all-powerful God and so your understanding will never be sufficient. The only person with complete understanding of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, and where you are going is God. Which is why He calls for all of our trust, not some of it. Not part of it. Not most of it. All of it.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. This is the promise God gives us. If we trust Him with all our hearts, not leaning on our own understanding or anyone else's understanding, He is faithful to make straight our paths. If our trust is in Christ alone, everything we do will bring glory to Him, will bring the focus to Him, and in that moment we are one with Christ. When we are one with Christ, He can lead us most effectively and instead of chasing us down every 5 minutes, creating a windy, convoluted path He leads us down a straight path.

Be not wise in your own eyes. This may be the hardest for me. I have a very high opinion of my own intelligence, and am furious when someone questions it. Which is very embarrassing to have to admit. You can find my worst side by just joking about my stupidity or ignorance and even I won't know what words will come flying out of my mouth. I put so much of my self worth on my intelligence, something that I attribute to my own efforts to grow it, that if someone doesn't think I'm smart, I'm either mortified or enraged. Depending on the situation.

I'm not smart. In case you were wondering. Any intelligence I have is by the grace of God, that He taught me something and allowed me to remember it. I can read because God gave me the ability and my mother taught me when I was little. I have a love for reading because my mom read to me so much as a kid. And any thirst for information or knowledge I have is directly fueled by the Holy Spirit.

There is nothing in me that is worthy of praise. There is nothing in me that can do anything. I am completely incapable of creating, of even simply functioning. Any good and perfect thing that you see in relation to me is directly because of my Great and Holy Father. It is He that you see, not me.

Fear the Lord, turn away from evil. I love this little sentence because I feel like it's an answer to every question or plea or complaint I ever send heavenwards.

"Lord, I can't deal with the way he talks to me. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God I'm tired, and I'm grumpy. I don't want to talk to people. Why is everyone so stupid?" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God, I simply do not want to do what You told me." "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

I can't fear the Lord if I am wise in my own eyes. Fear for the Lord, healthy and reverent fear, means that I have a very accurate understanding of myself and of God and of the two of us in relation to one another. I can see just how small and humble I am compared to the Lord of the Universe. Be not wise in your own eyes, then fear the Lord and finally turn away from evil. You can't turn away from evil if you do not fear the Lord and you can't fear the Lord if you think yourself wise. Step 1, step 2, step 3. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.

And God promises that we will have healing to our flesh and refreshment to our bones. We are hurting and it runs deep, all the way to our bones. We may not know it but that is why we try to do things in our own strength. That is why we are reluctant to give the reins over to God, to trust Him or anybody else. Because we instinctively know that there is something wrong and we need to be fixed but for whatever reason we think we can fix it ourselves.

Thanks be to God that He is faithful to us when we let go. He doesn't ask us to give Him control, to trust Him with everything we have only to be told to "get over it". Once we go through those steps, that may not make sense to us and are probably very hard and maybe even painful to do, once we have done those things He is able to give us what we always wanted anyways. He restores us to a level we didn't know existed, He fills the holes we didn't know where there. He takes our pain and goes to the source of it.

He doesn't treat our symptoms as we have tried to do but rather eradicates the disease in us.