Demons

I have anger issues. A demon that hides for days at a time and rips through my chest when least expected. An anti-Sarah that lurks in the recesses of myself, poking her head out now and then.

Sometimes I can control it, her, them. Other times, I can't. No one knows this better than my family. My parents have seen me lose all control, throwing chairs and slamming doors. My sisters have seen my face contort in rage and felt my fists.

Self righteous anger. Rage fueled by my own morals and ethics.

You shouldn't be doing that.

You won't stop unless I make you.

The only way to stop you is beat it out of you.

How long before that last phrase becomes "kill you"?

The real Sarah, the one of Spirit and not flesh, cries for the pain she inflicts. She wants to protect and heal, not hurt and injure. Her dream is to fight against those that beat down the helpless, to reign victorious over the dictators and oppressors of the world.

It isn't enough. It isn't enough to hope and wish and dream. Only action makes a difference. Only movement changes things. But action devoid of dreams, devoid of hope is destructive. Impulsiveness, lashing out, all this does is tear down. It never builds up.

How can I apologize? How can I make amends? How can I be forgiven, when the demons inside of me strike again? They strike because I let them. They are there because I harbor them. I protect them. I feel stronger, safer with them. No one can touch me, no one can hurt me.

I'm just flesh and bones after all. What am I? Flesh that melts, bones that dry, crack, and fall into dust. Skin that breaks, rips, veins that bleed, organs that burst. One wrong move, and it's all done. One small glitch and the whole computer shuts down. Such a great balance, tipped one way and it's all over. Only He keeps that balance. Only He controls it. Only He maintains it.

So what am I? Just a creation. A creation no different than any other. A sinful, disgusting creature full of malice, lust, pride, and folly.

Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope.

You died Lord.

You died Lord.

Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn the Father's love song goes,

drowning out my bitter song and breaking through walls and barriers,

Christ swoops in,

removes sin,

picks up His bride and carries her so I can sing in agreement with the King this thing.

'There's only one thing that please the Father,

the God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers.

Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers,

and I'm finally free in the love of the Father'.

Matthew 1

It is interesting to me that Matthew starts off his book with the genealogy of Abraham to Joseph, Jesus' father. But Joseph isn't literally Jesus' father, Joseph is the adopted father. Because Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, not from Joseph. None of Joseph's DNA was a part of Jesus. so I don't know why it matters that Joseph is a descendant of Abraham and David. Because that lineage stops at Joseph and doesn't continue to Jesus.

Joseph really is a class act. There couldn't have been a better man chosen to marry Mary (saying that out loud sounds funny). That's how they did marriages back then, the parents chose their son to marry another set of parents daughter. So these parents, Joseph's and Mary's, met together, probably several times. They discussed who their son/daughter was, the character and skills and mannerisms. The offer is made, would you allow your daughter to marry our son? Mary's parents have thought about it a lot and have come to the decision that, yes, Joseph would be a fine choice for their daughter.

So after all this deliberation, the parents are pleased with the match and are busy with the final preparations, all of a sudden Mary seems to have gained a lot of weight. And soon it is obvious that she is pregnant. Her parents must have given her a lip-lashing, grilling her on who the other man was and how could she shame her family like this. How do you tell your parents that you're still a virgin, in fact you are pregnant with the Saviour of the world? Even if Mary did tell her parents that, you know what her parents were probably thinking? The Son of God would never come in such a disgraceful manner. He wouldn't be born to a sinful girl like you. Everything Mary has ever done wrong would immediately scroll through her parents brains and while they love their daughter and believe her to be a great girl, suddenly they would remember every sin she committed. And it would just be impossible.

Mary's friends, what would they think? I imagine she would have at least one friend that would remain true. She'd accept Mary, even though she thinks she committed adultery. She may beg Mary to reveal who the secret lover is, and be put out when Mary continues to insist that there is no other man. Mary's friend would think that Mary is holding out on her, lying to her face. Trust would be gone, and eventually the friendship would dissolve. Mary would be all alone, no peers who believe or respect her anymore. She was probably shunned from her community and her family would be intent on hiding her away, hoping that everyone would forget her sin and shame wouldn't befall the whole family.

Joseph had to be crushed as well. His parents had told him about Mary. Maybe they had met at this point, maybe they hadn't. But he knew about her. He knew her sweetness, her loving kindness, he heard how others who knew her described her. He agreed with his parents that she was a wonderful choice. He was fully prepared to open his arms to her, to draw her into his life, to love her as God loved him. And then it comes out...she's pregnant.

Anger. Shame. Frustration. Disbelief.

How could she? Joseph would feel cut to the core. Betrayed. Who was this other man? Why was he so much better, that Mary had to have him instead of Joseph? Who was this man, that would take another man's future wife? Joseph had attached himself to Mary, in front of the whole community, and she went and embarrassed him to the very center of his being. How could he love such a woman? How could he have sex, have children, make love to a woman who had been held, kissed, who was having another man's baby? How could Joseph look into the eyes of this woman and believe anything she told him? How could he see another man's child every day and not resent him?

Even with all these emotions running through him, Joseph decides to divorce Mary. The most gracious thing he could do. Instead of demanding her death, instead of pursuing his rights as a man betrayed, he has mercy on Mary and decides to spare her any more humiliation by just breaking off the marriage.

In the middle of all this pain, suffering, confusion, drama, hurt, betrayal, lies, etc...in the middle of all this, Christ is born. In this seemingly torn story, God brings redemption. God comes to Joseph and to Mary and says "I am here. I am real. Trust my story."

Trust in the Lord

When it comes right down to it, trusting God is my biggest weakness. In fact, at times it is my biggest rebellion. "No God, I don't want you to do anything. I want to be the one to fix things. I want to take the credit. I want the satisfaction of doing it. I want to bring myself the glory, not You. Just leave me alone."

I can't get away from Proverbs 3:5-8.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. With ALL your heart. With all your heart. Your heart is the metaphor for your emotions, for your feelings. It's kind of the center point of who you are. The Bible says our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know it? Our heart is what we love with, what we mourn with, what we rejoice with. So whatever heart you have, sad or happy, despairing or in love, trust God using it. And not just a part of it, all of it. You should hold nothing back. Your heart shouldn't be trusting in anyone else or in yourself. It's all or nothing baby.

Lean not on your own understanding. Your understanding of anything is limited and sinful. You can't get around that. Your perspective is skewed, your ideas are faulty. You are not an all-powerful God and so your understanding will never be sufficient. The only person with complete understanding of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, and where you are going is God. Which is why He calls for all of our trust, not some of it. Not part of it. Not most of it. All of it.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. This is the promise God gives us. If we trust Him with all our hearts, not leaning on our own understanding or anyone else's understanding, He is faithful to make straight our paths. If our trust is in Christ alone, everything we do will bring glory to Him, will bring the focus to Him, and in that moment we are one with Christ. When we are one with Christ, He can lead us most effectively and instead of chasing us down every 5 minutes, creating a windy, convoluted path He leads us down a straight path.

Be not wise in your own eyes. This may be the hardest for me. I have a very high opinion of my own intelligence, and am furious when someone questions it. Which is very embarrassing to have to admit. You can find my worst side by just joking about my stupidity or ignorance and even I won't know what words will come flying out of my mouth. I put so much of my self worth on my intelligence, something that I attribute to my own efforts to grow it, that if someone doesn't think I'm smart, I'm either mortified or enraged. Depending on the situation.

I'm not smart. In case you were wondering. Any intelligence I have is by the grace of God, that He taught me something and allowed me to remember it. I can read because God gave me the ability and my mother taught me when I was little. I have a love for reading because my mom read to me so much as a kid. And any thirst for information or knowledge I have is directly fueled by the Holy Spirit.

There is nothing in me that is worthy of praise. There is nothing in me that can do anything. I am completely incapable of creating, of even simply functioning. Any good and perfect thing that you see in relation to me is directly because of my Great and Holy Father. It is He that you see, not me.

Fear the Lord, turn away from evil. I love this little sentence because I feel like it's an answer to every question or plea or complaint I ever send heavenwards.

"Lord, I can't deal with the way he talks to me. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God I'm tired, and I'm grumpy. I don't want to talk to people. Why is everyone so stupid?" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God, I simply do not want to do what You told me." "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

I can't fear the Lord if I am wise in my own eyes. Fear for the Lord, healthy and reverent fear, means that I have a very accurate understanding of myself and of God and of the two of us in relation to one another. I can see just how small and humble I am compared to the Lord of the Universe. Be not wise in your own eyes, then fear the Lord and finally turn away from evil. You can't turn away from evil if you do not fear the Lord and you can't fear the Lord if you think yourself wise. Step 1, step 2, step 3. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.

And God promises that we will have healing to our flesh and refreshment to our bones. We are hurting and it runs deep, all the way to our bones. We may not know it but that is why we try to do things in our own strength. That is why we are reluctant to give the reins over to God, to trust Him or anybody else. Because we instinctively know that there is something wrong and we need to be fixed but for whatever reason we think we can fix it ourselves.

Thanks be to God that He is faithful to us when we let go. He doesn't ask us to give Him control, to trust Him with everything we have only to be told to "get over it". Once we go through those steps, that may not make sense to us and are probably very hard and maybe even painful to do, once we have done those things He is able to give us what we always wanted anyways. He restores us to a level we didn't know existed, He fills the holes we didn't know where there. He takes our pain and goes to the source of it.

He doesn't treat our symptoms as we have tried to do but rather eradicates the disease in us.

Psalm 107: Prisoners

Continuing in Psalm 107, let's look at the next group of people. The prisoners.

"Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High."
- Psalm 107: 10-11

Prisoners of their own choosing. Not someone who was forced into slavery, but rather someone who chased after those things which are addictive, destructive, and life-sucking specifically to fill a need, a desire, a void that only God alone can fill. Or maybe just to run away from God. It says "they rebelled against the word of God", so whatever the reasoning is they have done the opposite of what the Gospel calls us to do, which is to "pick up your cross and follow Him".

What they are chasing is evil, wrapped in darkness and death. They are completely and totally encased in this sin, chains and irons holding them down. They chased alcohol, drugs, sex, fame, fortune, or maybe all of the aforementioned and instead of making them happier, prettier, more desirable, loved, accepted, powerful it has stripped them of everything they have. Any freedom they think they have is fake, lackluster, painted on. They are locked down with no way to free themselves.

Thank God, He allows us to see the situation we are in. Thank God, He opens our eyes.

"So He bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help."
- Psalm 107:12

How do you wake someone up to the prison they live in? How do you snap someone out of a psychotic break? How do you make them realize that this life they live is completely broken and enchained?

You weigh their hearts down and separate them from all friends, family, and kind strangers. You make them fall on their face, tangled up in chains with no way to get up. And then, when they can taste the bile and filth of their prison and all they can see is the rough concrete floor underneath them, only then can they finally release their pride and stop pretending that they are in control. Then is when they admit "I've got mhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=106784583541308202yself in a huge mess and I have no hope of getting out."

God is not a cruel God to put people through something like this. In reality, He didn't put them in chains. We are very good at doing that all on our own, the one thing we can do without Christ's help. This added weight that God puts on these prisoners, this unbearable burden that throws them on their face and immobilizes them is an example of God's grace, not wrath.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart."
- Psalm 107:13-14

Without being broken, these prisoners would never surrender. They would continue to live life as if they weren't chained in irons. God had to break through that fog of pretending and make believe to show them "You need to be rescued" and then had to convince them that they can't rescue themselves, that only God can come in and save them.

God is brought the glory through our brokenness. We are designed, I think, to have to reach the outermost limits of our abilities, to fall on our face, to try and then fail so that God can rescue us. So that God can be brought the glory. So that God can glorify Himself and God allows us the ability to join in the party and glorify Him as well. So that everyone can see that God is Lord over everything, because it was obvious there was no getting out on my own. It was obvious that someone much greater and more powerful had to come in and save me.

Aren't those the most amazing stories? When someone is wrapped up in meaningless sex, living with drug and alcohol addiction, pursuing empty fame and worthless money...isn't it amazing when we see these people hit rock bottom, lose everything, on the brink of suicide or death in some other fashion. When there is no hope left and we expect them to just die, God reaches down and opens their eyes. And they look up and see the face of God and suddenly their hearts are changed from stone to flesh. They are broken by their sin and desperately just want to be near to God. And so God, who cannot do anything but love perfectly and wholly, reaches down, breaks those chains of addiction, and pulls us out of our prison we constructed for ourselves.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man! For He shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron."
- Psalm 107:15-16

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so"

Psalms 107: Homeless

Last week I met with my friend Kresta and she introduced this passage to me. I don't remember ever reading it before, although that doesn't mean I haven't. For whatever reason, when we read through it at Roots it completely grabbed my attention. In the days since, God has pulled me from the Acts study that I was in the middle of and pointed me toward this scripture again and again. He has opened the passage up to me and seems to be teaching me things through it.

So I thought I would post what I'm learning from it, since it helps solidify it in my heart and mind.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south."
- Psalm 107:1-3

The redeemed are called to proclaim that "He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever" and to give thanks to the Lord. "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so."

Who are the redeemed? Later in the passage it talks about 4 different groups of people who are redeemed, but let's look at the word "redeem" first to get a general picture of it.

re·deem

/rɪˈdim/ Show Spelledverb (used with object)

1. to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

2. to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

3. to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

4. to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

5. to convert (paper money) into specie.

6. to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

7. to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

8. to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

9. Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

God buys us back from the slavery of sin. God recovers us from the pit we find ourselves in. God fulfills His promise to us. God restores and releases us. God delivers us from our sin and the consequences of it.

How did He redeem us?

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. "
- John 1:14

Christ is our redemption.

Alright let's look at the 4 different types of people that have been redeemed.

Homeless
Prisoners
Sinners
Workers

"Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them."
- PSalm 107:4-5

These people are homeless, having no home or "city to dwell in". Because they don't have a home, a center to their lives, a place from which to base their work and operations and relationships out of, they are hungry and thirsty. They are without hope, "their soul fainted within them." They live in desert wastes that they can't find their way out of and are on the brink of death, at the end of their rope, with no other options in front of them but to die.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress."
- Psalm 107:6

A miracle happens. The homeless recognize their plight, that they have no way out and no options before them and they cry out to God. How amazing is it that God hears us everytime we call to Him? And how beautiful that He would deliver us from our distress.

Have you ever thought about the times of despair in your life? It's these times in our lives that I believe we finally see our need for God and for rescue. When we realize we can't do it ourselves. It's when we've completely exhausted our abilities and resources for our own gain that we can look up and understand that Christ is the fulfillment of everything we need. I think these times are essential to our growth and maturity as Christians. Otherwise, how will we ever know? If we are not completely exhausted through our own efforts, how can we understand God's grace and mercy that He would come and fix our messes? If we surrendered to God's will before we've reached the end of our proverbial rope, won't we always think in the back of our minds "I could do it by myself if I wished. I could accomplish my goal". We must kill that idea in our heads. We must put to death anything in our spirit that says "I can" instead of "He can". It can no longer be about our ability or our giftings or our resources or our glory, but about Him. About the Holy Trinity and about bringing Them the glory.

God is most glorified in our failings, when He swoops in at the very edge of despair and restores and rescues and rightens us.

"He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in."
- Psalm 107:7

A straight way. A straight shot. Easy peasy. I think this is to show just how lost and incapable we are of taking care of ourselves. It's like we're children in an exceptionally large sandbox that get turned around and sit down and start crying because we think we're stuck forever, and God the parent hears us crying and stands us up and points to the left, where the exit is. The exit that was right in front of us the whole time, but we freaked out and couldn't see it. Or falling into the water and freaking out, screaming that we're drowning, only for God to gently touch us on the shoulder and say "stand up. the water' is only a foot deep." You feel silly don't you? Embarrassed probably. But again, aren't these times necessary for us? Don't we need to see how great He is and how small we are? Isn't it healthy to understand you're shortcomings and that Christ fills those shortcomings? It's ok that we're a little crazy and get lost easily, because Christ loves to rescue us. God loves it when we call on His name. He loves to swoop in and rescue us, point us in the right direction. Because it all brings Him the glory.

He loves to bring us home.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For He satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul He fills with good things."
-Psalm 107:8-9

Ah, this passage isn't talking merely about those who are physically hungry or thirsty. Not just those we are actually lost in a desert and can't find the city. Those whose "soul faints within" them. How great is our God, that He satisfies our souls! Our souls ache and moan, they desire to be fed and to be satisfied and our minds can't understand them. We don't know what we need, we don't know what we desire, and so we wander around aimlessly, chase after things without knowing why. And when we find that we can't satisfy our own souls, we can't ease the pain we feel deep inside, God comes in, because He loves us, and satisfies that which we can't express in words.

The result of this satisfaction? Love. Love pours out of our hearts unbidden for this great and awesome God that would come down out of heaven to live and die on earth just so He can rescue us and we can have this intimate encounter and life spent worshiping and bringing glory to Him.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love"

Temptation

Temptation itself is not a sin; it is something we are bound to face simply by virtue of being human
- Oswald Chambers

Our lives are filled with temptations. They are all around us. You can't drive or go anywhere in America without temptation staring you in the face. You can't even escape it in the privacy of your home. It's there, no matter what you do, and you can always expect it to come around again after you have defeated it the first, second, or third time.

Yet many of us suffer from temptations we should never have to suffer, simply because we refused to allow God to lift us to a higher level where we would face temptations of another kind.
- Oswald Chambers

Before I became a Christian, the temptations I faced were all the things the Bible tells you not to do. All the things you would put on a list of "Sins". Temptation for drugs, for alcohol, for sex, for lying, for cheating, for murder, for stealing. These are the things I battled against every day, that sometimes so filled my mind and my heart that it seemed I was suffocating.

After becoming a Christian, the temptations are quite different. I'm no longer tempted to steal, because I have no desire to do so. Temptations for drugs and alcohol and sex are silly, because there is no inclination in me towards them. As long as I follow Christ, my mind and soul centered on Him, He fills all my needs and I find that my spirit matches His Spirit and finds no joy or satisfaction in sin anymore.

Satan does not tempt us just to make us do wrong things - he tempts us to make us lose what God has put into us through regeneration, namely, the possibility of being of use to God. He does not come to us on the premise of tempting us to sin, but on the premise of shifting our point of view, and only the Spirit of God can detect this as a temptation of the devil.
- Oswald Chambers

And so I learn that just because Satan can not pull me with the chains of sin anymore, because I have been set free, he will try just simply to distract me. All it takes is to get me seeking something good instead of seeking the kingdom. All Satan has to do is convince me that seeking a degree should be my focus, not the kingdom. That seeking to minister to people God has put in my life should be my focus, not the kingdom.

Seek ye first the kingdom.

God, Satans tricks are harder to discern now. It's no longer a matter of things I did or didn't do but now things of the mind Lord. "Take every thought captive" has never seemed so real or so necessary in my life. Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, that I may have the self awareness to discern thoughts of my own that are folly and thoughts that are not from me or from You. Give me Christ awareness God that would fill my mind and trump any other inclinations in my spirit. Command me Lord and then give me what You command that I may obey in all instances, at all costs.

The most important question

The best indicator of my surrender, dedication, and obedience to Christ is asking myself one question...

If I were to lose it all, would I still praise Him?

Most of the time I start reviewing all that I could lose.

If I lost my job, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my friends, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my family, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my house, would I still praise Him?

If I was left with nothing, naked on the street, would I still praise Him? Would I still be filled with the fruits of the Spirit? Would I still surrender to His will and say "You are all I need"?

His purpose is not the development of a person - His purpose is to make a person exactly like Himself, and the Son of God is characterized by self-expenditure. If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain but what He pours through us that really counts.
- Oswald Chambers

Asking myself these questions will quickly make me realize what I'm holding onto instead of Jesus. What I am trying to control instead of letting Him guide. Where I am refusing to surrender.

Almost everytime the result is instant surrender, dropping whatever I was gripping, repentance for taking what wasn't mine, and joy that Christ saved me myself.

My desire is to be completely surrendered. My goal is to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that it cannot be hidden, that Christ shines through so much that I disappear. My desire is to be like Stephen, that in every circumstance the Holy Spirit is in control and not I, and that I would be so filled with Christ's love that I could pray for mercy for my murderers as they kill me. I want to be so strong in my Jesus that I can say what Polycarp said

"Leave me as I am. For he who grants me to endure the fire will enable me also to remain on the pyre unmoved, without the security you desire from nails."

Lord, please take from my life what I don't need. Take even what I need, Lord, so that I am completely and totally dependent on You. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and continue to wash me clean of everything that is offensive to You. Give me the desire to seek You, to be closer to You, to love You more. Teach me to fight sin in my life and to boldly preach the gospel.