2012

This past year has been crazy.

I moved to Austin with my family, got a job at Chuy's, started attending Soma Austin Church.

I met my husband!

February 1st, to be exact. We started dating March 14, he proposed May 25, and we got married November 26.

By far, that is the greatest blessing of the whole year. After reflecting over the year, remembering my own nature...I almost believe God put me with my husband because "someone has to knock some sense into her!" Not that God hasn't knocked sense into me many times...it's kind of my learning style I guess. Marriage is kind of like running...it's awesome and there are immediate and longterm benefits but there are times when you are out of breath and sweaty and exhausted and it's not any fun at all.

In 2009 I finally surrendered myself after 20 years of God begging, pleading, wooing, chasing, and fighting me. In 2010 I learned the way God created humans, how we are created for obedience, to bring God glory, to be filled with His Spirit. I learned to be strong in prayer, not only intercessing for my family or friends, but complete strangers I passed, customers, acquaintances, and people in other countries. I learned what it truly means to pray without ceasing, constantly on the phone with God. I learned to love His voice, His Spirit and to long to be in His presence in heaven. God revealed parts of myself, my sin nature, my greed, my selfishness that I refused to see before. God also revealed who He created me to be, a very distinct picture of the woman He would grow me into...oh how exciting that was! I always wanted to be great, to prove to everyone else that I was worth something and that I could change the world. I had it twisted around, but that desire to change the world was from Him! Because He wanted to use me to change the world for Him, to bring Him glory, to bring His kingdom on earth! The Almighty Lord of the world wants to use me! He has plans already laid out for me and they fulfill me like no other plans of my own could!

Unfortunately, that was 2010...kind of my honeymoon period with the Lord. Come 2011 and all the spiritual habits I had developed out of a desire to seek His face were broken. Suddenly I didn't want to pray without ceasing, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Slowly, I stopped praying for other countries, friends I had left behind, and I never developed friendships here in Austin that I would feel obligated to pray for. I had started discipling a young girl towards the end of 2010, and once 2011 rolled around I had lost almost all desire to continue. I used our distance apart as an excuse, stating it was too hard to try and catch each other on the phone. The truth is, I didn't want to make time. I praise God today that her relationship with Him has nothing to do with me and that despite me I believe she has grown in her understanding of our Great Lord. I ran from God. I sought other people's approval and didn't feel accomplished until I received it. I started back into school without a solid way to pay for it, simply because my pride drove me. I dated a guy I barely knew because he said he liked me and I was so desperate to be liked. I hung out with Curtis (now my husband) while dating this other guy because he made me feel so good too. As a result, I used both men...something I am very ashamed to admit. Sucking as much as I could from each man, I pushed one to break up with me and the other I pushed far away from me.

But our Lord is Great and Mighty and He is incredibly merciful. Even though I had only shown myself to be incredibly selfish and desperate, the Lord softened Curtis heart. Curtis told me later that he felt God tell him that "our story was not done yet." Doesn't that send chills down your back?! Curtis responded by completely opening his arms to me and loving me fully from the very start with no abandon. He threw me off guard actually, lol, I remember him saying "I love you" within a week of us dating and I had no idea what to say back. The scary thing was I knew he meant it...not like a young boy who's wrapped up in the romantic and says it just to say it...even if he thinks he means it. There was something deeper in what Curtis meant when he said "I love you," now I recognize it as the love of Christ flowing through him.

So despite my rejection of Christ, despite abandoning Him and following my own selfish pursuits, God still chased after me. Or rather, turned around slowly while I ran frantically around at His feet. (Who are we kidding, can we really run from God? We're just little toddlers running behind our Parent and thinking He can't find us). Curtis portrayed a physical example of Christ to me, not always because he is human. Curtis loved me even through all the bullsh#$%^ I put him through. Just as Christ, he healed my wounds, he rebuked the sin, he held me as I sobbed, he tenderly directed me.

And so now, at the beginning of the new year, I kneel on the ground, arms and face lifted upwards and cry out for His Spirit again. I did it my way, I chased my own desires and all I cared about was me...and there was no fulfillment in it. All I feel is emptiness, pain, hurt, sorrow, regret, disgust and shame. Lord, I want to be REAL again. I want to talk to You again, I want to hear Your Voice again, I want to feel You close to me. I want to learn more about You, about me, about the world, about Your plan. Everything deep inside me cries out for You Lord and I am tired of trying to ignore it.

As Jacob said in his sermon yesterday, quality over quantity. My new year's resolution is to fall on my face before God every day and say "None of self and all of Thee, Lord." No lists this year, nothing that makes me feel like I accomplished something...instead, I empty myself of all my selfish desires and goals and reasonings and instead ask to be filled with His desires and His goals, because I know that those are good for me and I know they will bring me joy like nothing I could dream up. Instead of purposing to do something, I'm purposing