Crippling Fear

It is difficult to be changed. It is hard to learn a different way of thinking, of behaving, of living. It hurts to heal. It is complicated. It is messy. It is painful.

It is necessary.

It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.

God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.

God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.

God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.

Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.

Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.

True love casts out all fear.

Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.

God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.

Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?

It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.

But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.

Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the senes that "underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again.
- Oswald Chambers