Lessons for the Week

I am broken. Inside and out, through and through, from the top to the bottom, completely and utterly broken. The boards are rotten and full of termites, the pipes are rusty, mold lives in every crevice, and there's shit smeared on the walls.

The instant I forget that, or pretend that everything's ok is the instant I pull my hand out of God's. It's when I turn tail and run directly from His presence. It's when I stop cleaning, throw my towel in the bucket, and start flinging mud around.

Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender.
- Oswald Chambers

As long as I have this little piece of me held back, as long as I tell God "Take all of me except this part right here" I will never be of any use to Him. Because when it comes time to be used by Him, I will have selfishly kept something to myself. What is the point of surrender if I am not fully releasing myself?

Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says.
- Oswald Chambers

It's hard. It's scary. You can't see what's in front of you, you don't know if you will be jumping up or jumping down or simply free-falling. But whatever it is you end up doing, you have to trust and know that it is all to bring glory to God...and that has to give you peace. If that does not bring you peace, you are not His child. In fact, I think that it would give you not just peace but joy, excitement, readiness to jump feet first, arms spread wide to receive whatever Jesus has planned for you in that darkness.

If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone. I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be - absolutely perfect and right.
- Oswald Chambers

I spent 20 years of my life trusting in everyone around me. I was left with so much bitterness and cynicism and hopeless dependency issues that it's a wonder to me that anyone put up with me for longer than 3 minutes. I trusted in my parents and they failed me. I trusted in my friends and they failed me. I trusted in boyfriends and they failed me. I trusted in my bosses and they failed me. I trusted in youth workers and pastors and they failed me.

The only saving grace, the only perfect love, the only accountability to be found is found in Jesus Christ.

The purpose of our Christian training is to get us into the right relationship to the "needs" of God and His will. Once God's "needs" in us have been met, He will open the way for us to accomplish His will, meeting His "needs" elsewhere.
- Oswald Chambers

If I can't sit still and allow God to work in me, clean me, teach me, train me, discipline me, how can He use me at all? I might as well lock myself in a room and stay there, that's about how useful I would be. God called me to devote this year to Him, not so that I can make a lot of money and live comfortably for once in my life, not so I could build friendships, not so I could get involved in ministries, not so I could get a good tan going but so that I would discipline myself to sit still and listen to His voice, to obey His teachings, to think His thoughts, to let my ways follow His ways, to become so closely ingrained in Him that there is no obvious separation and all this so that He might be brought the glory. All is for His glory.

Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me.
- Oswald Chambers

Oh God, that you would melt my skull with Your glory and liquefy my body with Your presence. Let nothing be left of myself, I gladly march into the furnace to so that I would be burned up and only You remain.

Can a sinner be turned into a saint? Can a twisted life be made right? Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do? Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see? Has any spiritual work been accomplished in me at all?

God's Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.
- Oswald Chambers

God I trust that You can do what I cannot, because if You can't than we are all lost. My hope is in You and my faith lies at Your feet. I know that without You I am utterly nothing, I cease to exist and it amazes me that You allow me not only to keep existing, but to live and not only to live but to live well, to flourish, to influence others lives, to grow and learn and develop in ways that blow my mind. It amazes me how You have completely set me up for success, surrounding me with love and support, putting in my hands Your word and Your direction, speaking directly to my heart and mind.

God, You are holy. You are mighty. You are the ALPHA and OMEGA, where there is no beginning and end. You are eternal and You are perfect. You recognize me out of all You have created and You endeavor to let me know You. You pursue me and You want me. God I don't deserve anything that You give me but I am so so grateful every time You bless me. Fill my heart God with love for You and fill my mind with thoughts of You and fill my eyes with visions of Your face and fill my body with Your Spirit.

Crippling Fear

It is difficult to be changed. It is hard to learn a different way of thinking, of behaving, of living. It hurts to heal. It is complicated. It is messy. It is painful.

It is necessary.

It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.

God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.

God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.

God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.

Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.

Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.

True love casts out all fear.

Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.

God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.

Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?

It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.

But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.

Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the senes that "underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again.
- Oswald Chambers