Sanctification

"This is the will of God, your sanctification..."

The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it. If nothing else, this year has showed me how extremely selfish, self-centered, self-sufficient I really am. The things I know I should do, I don't want to. I think I love people but I really love the fulfillment I get when I do things for them. I think I love people but it actually wouldn't matter to me if they died or not.

That sounds so much worse when I write it down then when I think it in my head.

But it's true. My sinful heart cares only for itself. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care. What a scary thing it is to realize just how evil I am. It's easy to point at Hitler and terrorists and say "That is evil incarnate." How easy is it to then point that finger back at me and say "I am evil incarnate."

The allure of life outside of God is so strong. It's so easy to deceive my own heart, to trick it into being distracted by day to day things. Sometimes I catch myself, but even then that pull is so strong I almost give in anyway.

"You can come back from this, it won't hurt yourself at all"

"God will still love you even if you do that"

"It'll be fun and you deserve it"

"It's ok for that person so it's ok for you"

How can I be freed from my chains of sin and lies and evil and then pick them up and put them back on myself?

God, I want to spend money on those clothes. God, I want to look good in those people's eyes. God, I want to go to that party. God, I want that boy, any boy, to kiss me. God, I want to tan and work out and lose weight and look more attractive.

Me me me.

I I I.

I am a living, breathing Me monster.

Why can't I find my fulfillment in you Lord? Why do I have to turn to these other things? Why do I have to be so focused on myself all the time?

God I can't suffer for you. I can't bring you glory. I can't even let go of my own desire to be liked by everyone.

I don't know how to be a daughter. I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to be a Christian. I don't know how to be Your child. I don't know how to be an employee. I don't know how to be a waitress. God, I can't do any of the things I'm supposed to do. Not only can I not do the actions I'm supposed to, I can't be the things I'm supposed to.

I want people to depend on me, so I feel important. But I fail them every time. I want to be good at things so people look at me and say that I'm amazing. I want to wow people, I want to shock them, I want to draw them into myself.

Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self-interest - simply to be ready for death? Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me"? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?
- Oswald Chambers

God, I'm not. I was at one point, but somewhere it changed. Somewhere I turned from that and rolled around in the muck that You just cleaned off of me. I'm not willing and I'm not determined. I'm just stuck, crawling weakly away from You because I don't have the strength or the willpower to turn around and lift my hands for You to pick me up. God rescue me. Change my heart Lord. Turn me back towards You, because I know that is where my peace is. I know that is where my true fulfillment is. I know that is where I am filled with your joy. I know that is where life makes sense.

Continue to break me God. Pummel me down so that I don't find myself far from You again.