Epiphany

I love epiphanies. They always reveal something huge about myself or life or God or whatever and it's like AHA! The same feeling you get when you are trying really hard to remember someone's name and you finally shout it out loud...only times a bazillion. It's an awesome feeling and I love it when I have one.

But not today.

I was with a friend and she casually made the observation that I had said that I didn't like an ex boyfriend but then when we saw him later I talked with him casually and openly. Her point was that I was being "two-faced". This really really bothered me and I thought about it over and over to try and understand if I really was being two-faced. I realized that I wasn't hiding my true feelings from my ex when I saw him face to face and then revealing how I really feel to other people later. I really do have friendly inclinations towards him, although because of our history there was definitely a limit to that friendship. The problem is that I am overly loud and sarcastic when I'm around people and will often say whatever load of crap will make people laugh. So all these things I was saying to my friend, I was really saying for her benefit not because they were actually what I thought or felt. Because when it really came down to it, it was all just a load of hockey.

That in and of itself makes me feel pathetic. The fact that I have to say whatever I can to get people to laugh makes me seem like such a shallow person. But that's not even my epiphany.

I realized that I have always wanted to be pursued. I know that that sentence in and of itself seems like a "duh" statement. You just can't understand how deeply this goes or how much it has shaken me. I started thinking about all my friends over the years and the friends I have now. None of them pursue me, with a few exceptions over the years. If I didn't talk to my friends that I have now, if I didn't text them or call them or email them it would be quite a while before they thought to check and see if I'm ok. And that's not to say they're bad people or anything, that's just the state of things. I've always been the one to call them , txt them, talk to them. I do have to be honest and recognize that I do have friends that txt me fairly regularly or that I see on a regular basis and they are always warm and open with me. But they don't go out of their way to talk to me. They don't seek me out. They don't see me and just HAVE to get to know me better. Not like how I feel about them. When I meet new people, when I make new friends, all I want to do is spend time with them, talk to them, hear their hearts, get to REALLY know them. Very rarely do I come across people who feel the same about me.

Then I realized that I fall head over heels for a guy simply because he pursues me. Forget his occupation, goals in life, physical attributes, whatever. If you look over my list of men that have come and gone, they are all completely different from each other. The one and only deciding factor has always been "they want me". They are interested in me, they want to talk to me on a daily basis, they care what I'm doing or what I'm thinking.

Realizing all this makes me feel ache-y. It makes me feel tired. How pathetic do I sound? Even writing all this out, I'm wondering if I'm secretly hoping that people will read it and then pursue me more now that they know I want it. And now I feel desperate. I know that now if anyone pursues me, I'm going to think they read this and it's not going to mean anything.

At my Life Focus class we recently did our strengths and one of mine talked about needing things to be talked about in a friendly matter and that I need instructions to be given in a light, fun way. For whatever reason that sounds so childish and immature to me. While I'm driving in my car, thinking about my epiphany, my boss txted me with an overly bouncy, bright tone which just makes me think he "read my mail" so to speak and is putting on an act for my benefit.

You know the crazy thing? All this is true and yet I haven't worried about people wanting to be around me or liking me for a couple months now, ever since I gave the year to God. Because I've been immersed in Him nearly every second of every day. And this past week I've been edging out. And I can feel the difference, acutely. It feels like something's off, like my skin doesn't fit or my brain is fuzzy. There's just the huge sense of wrongness. I hate it. I want my Jesus back, I want His presence. I know that the state of mind I'm in right now is contrary to His, I know that I wouldn't be in this place if I hadn't left His side.

Jesus take my sorrow. I feel silly, like a little girl who wants someone to be her friend just because of who she is. I know it runs deeper, that I want to be seen and known for who I am, not just with friends but also romantically. It's core to my being and yet I feel so stupid for it. I don't want to be like this God. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to sit here and think about all my friends and realize that I didn't make an impact on them. I don't want to be that girl that is loud and funny and pretty but passes out of mind as soon as she is gone. I don't want to meet people and walk away from them not changing them or not being changed. I want real relationships, I want real conversations, I want real community. God, I want You.

Passion Filled Love

If what we call love does not take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love.
- Oswald Chambers

In our culture, we are encouraged and taught to follow our passions. Do what feels good when it feels good, don't miss out on any opportunity that presents itself. Fulfill your desires, look out for number 1. It is so easy for us as Christians to continue as we used to when we were in the world.

"...to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."
- Ephesians 4:22-24

Now we have learned to control the passions of our flesh, to not indulge ourselves simply because we can or we want to. To look out for others first rather than ourselves. But one thing I think we've missed entirely is the passion we are supposed to have for Christ.

Christ is our Husband. He is our Romancer, our Lover. Our most intimate thoughts are known by Him, so why is it when we purpose to spend time with Him we try to make it so structured and devoid of feeling? Like it's something we have to do rather than something we can do. Why do we love Him out of duty rather than out of sheer passion? Is it wrong to be infatuated with our Lord? Is it wrong to long for His presence, His touch, His voice, His love?

In our human relationships we tend to give ourselves away very quickly I think. Or maybe that's just me. I'll fall in love with anyone and everyone if I'm given 5 minutes. I'm the kind of person that loves to be in love and it's why I've been hurt so much in the past. But the point is that I can be so consumed with the existence of a man in my life, why do I shy away from it with Christ? It's like subconsciously I've decided that my relationship with Christ is supposed to follow a checklist, be very structured, and involve my obedience above all else. Which, don't get me wrong, is a huge part of my relationship with Christ...but I've got it backwards. Obedience is my joy, to do what the love of my life wants. Just like when I'm in a relationship, all I want to do is make the guy happy and I find myself completely re-arranging my life, my schedule, etc just to pick him up from work or follow him where he goes in life or make him brownies as a surprise. Why has the thought never crossed my mind to do this with Christ?

Recently I've been yearning so much for Christ. I'm starting to look forward to going home, to crawl into bed with Christ and tell Him about my day and fall asleep to Him holding me in His arms. I used to be bothered by the fact that Christ couldn't physically hold me, because that's a big thing to me in a relationship. My love language is touch, if people aren't hugging me or holding my hand or touching my shoulder I want to crawl into a hole and die. So silly of me that I thought God couldn't hold me! He's freaking creator of the universe, He can do whatever He wants.

It's just so hard to explain how I feel about Christ. Every day the intimacy grows. Every day I love Him more. Every day I think of new ways that He provides for me. Every day I see His hand working in my life. Every day He talks to me. Every day I find that no one can even come close. Every day I treasure being single just a little bit more. Every day I spontaneously start thanking God for anything and everything.

How can I say what He means to me? Words can't do it. Actions can't do it. You will never know, maybe because I can't elucidate it for you or maybe because I am jealous and want to keep it all for myself, to treasure these little things in my heart like Mary.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart."
- Luke 2:19

Mush for Brains

The past few days I've been some kind of sick. Nothing that I can really put my finger on, just feeling weird and awkward in my own body I guess. The most frustrating for me has been that my brain has been all muddled. During one of my breaks at work I went to study/read like I always do. I look forward to these times, because I don't get any other time to read and I loooooooove reading. But I could not read any of my books! I carry several around with me to read as my whim dictates and I always pick at least one of them. I even had a magazine with me, and yet none of them could keep my attention more than 5 seconds. I was at Panera bread, one of my favorite restaurants, and all of a sudden I didn't want to be there anymore. So I drove to my park that I go to sometimes to relax and wasn't comfortable with my view from my parking spot so I picked another parking spot. Well then I couldn't relax because people were walking their dogs. So I drove to work and sat in the parking lot.

It's just been weird. I'm never like this. And then at work I found I tried to push my sickness as far as I could. I was legitimately sick but I dunno I just felt like I was trying to subtly manipulate situations so that people felt sorry for me. So stupid. So childish. So pathetic and needy.

Recently I've been feeling restless. I need change in my life consistently or I go crazy. I'm a weird mix of contradictions, I need my routine desperately but I also need things changing. I need to wake up every morning at 6am and go through my morning routine but when I go to work I need things to be different whether it's different every day or only once in a while. I noticed my restlessness before I got sick and it started to worry me. I know myself pretty well at this point, and I know that I'm bound to do something crazy when I get restless. Like quit my job. Shave my head. Move to India. That kind of crazy. And being sick the past few days hasn't helped. Yesterday I was thinking about how tired I am of working and how I have this subtle yet constant dread of going to work. It's not the job. I have an amazing job. My boss is awesome and even the one girl I had so much trouble working with has seemed to accept me. Things with my job are great. It's me. I have this unease deep in me that I can't seem to shake.

Yesterday on my break I pulled out my Oswald Chambers book and this is the first thing I read:

When it comes to taking the initiative against drudgery, we have to take the first step as though there were no God. There is no point in waiting for God to help us - He will not. But once we arise, we find He is there.

Aaaaaaaaaagh, but God I don't WANT to take initiative against drudgery. I want to just escape the feeling. I want to just quit my job and then I won't dread it anymore. The problem when I get to this point is reason goes completely out the window. I don't care that I'll be without a job. I don't care that I'll probably break all relational ties that I have with my boss and coworkers now. I don't care that God has put me there for a reason and I havent' accomplished that reason yet. I just think about how I feel right now and think about working there for the rest of the year and I just want out. I feel trapped.

So I'm looking for safe ways to be crazy. A tattoo for instance. The issue with that one is WHAT do I get and can I really justify spending the money on one? And I don't know if I can control myself with that either since I want tattoo sleeves and given the opportunity I'd probably go for them aaaaaaand then I wouldn't be able to work at my job anymore. Kind of a round about way of not having to deal with my unease anymore. I think the safest thing is to get a haircut. Andrew's mom still cuts mine for free and I can go crazy there.

The new thing that I thought of last night was that God is my husband...and my husband probably wants a say in how I cut my hair. And as soon as I thought that, I realized that I had been thinking about needing a change and needing to do something crazy and I hadn't even once thought to talk to God about it. That's been another thing that has changed since I've been sick. I have felt so distant from God. I couldn't focus on Him. I couldn't focus on anything. I'm still having issues. I tried to sit down and blog so many times and I couldn't get more than one or two sentences out. I don't like this feeling!

I guess the thing to do is to remember that God provided this job for me, that He has blessed me with it. I'm here for a reason, whether I'm supposed to make in impact on my coworkers or customers or whether I'm supposed to learn and grow from it. I can't throw a gift from my Husband away or not fully appreciate it. He's with me everyday, He'll know if I put it in the attic or use it with a distasteful air. God created me. He knows exactly what I'm feeling right now, He understands it better than anyone else can. So it makes sense that He knows the solution, He knows how to make me better. I just have to seek Him, pushing past all the mush in my head and my restlessness and what I want. He never leaves me and He's waiting for me to come to Him again.

Lent

Tomorrow starts Lent. I've grown up Baptist and the only contact I've had with Lent is my Catholic Grams mentioning it and once some family friends came over to our house with ash all over their foreheads. I had seen it as part of the storyline in several fiction books set in Medieval times but all I remember is that they ate a lot of lentils.

So at the first I'm thinking "Lent is weird". Which does nothing to dissuade me from participating, because I love weird things. But it does hinder me from understanding the significance of the practice. I still don't completely understand it, but have gathered that it is a time of fasting from something that completely takes our hearts and minds off our Creator so that we have more time to devote to Him as we prepare our hearts for the celebration of Easter.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. Scared to give up what I'm used to , what I hold on to. It'll be different. It'll be a change. It'll be hard. I'm giving up 2 things for Lent, meat and facebook. Meat because I want to honor God with my body and I love to overeat on meat way too much. I've even come to notice that sometimes my mind is completely focused on my next meal or dreaming about my next meal...I'm pretty sure I've wasted days of my life on such thinking. And facebook for the obvious reasons. It steals my life away. I don't have much down time, but when I do the very seconds are precious. But those seconds are too often squandered on facebook.

I've been justifying myself with eating so much meat by saying that I'm not spending any money...most of the time it's free food. Ok, but while I'm gorging myself on this "free food" my thoughts are completely on myself. And usually, on the NEXT time I get to gorge myself. What about people who don't have access to free food, or to a lot of meat and rich foods? Is it fair for me to take advantage of it when it is presented to me, if I don't need it? The world would tell me yes. It is always ok to take advantage of something or someone if they present the opportunity. Well I say no more. My thoughts are extremely easy to get sidetracked and I want to be physically and mentally capable to wrestle them where they need to be.

I justify facebook because I can't get on it very often. But when I only have 1 free hour for the day to get 29384729374 million things done, and I end up surfing facebook and looking at everyone' s pictures and status updates and writing on people's walls, soon I find that not only have I used up my free hour but I've stolen another hour from things I was supposed to be responsible for. Again, the world would say that I deserve some down time, that I work hard and I should indulge myself or take care of myself. LIES AND FALSITIES.

Both of these fasts are to remind myself how much I listen to the world over my Lord and Saviour. It's going to be so hard, because I know these lies are ingrained deep within my heart and wound all the way through my habits. But fasting from meat and facebook for a month or so is easy compared to the struggles people deal with everyday. I am so blessed just to have the opportunity to fast from these things!!!

There's a cry in my heart, for Your glory to fall, for Your presence to fill up my senses. There's a yearning again, a thirst for discipline, a hunger for things that are deeper. Could You take me beyond? Could You carry me through? If I open my heart, could I go there with You? For I've been here before, yet I know there's still more. Oh Lord, I need to know You.
- "Cry in My Heart" Starfield

Imagination

Imagination is a powerful tool. But it is also kind of silly. I think a lot of adults consider imagination to be a child's plaything. I get an image of Spongebob making a rainbow with his hands and saying "IIIIMMAAAAGINAAATIOOON". While not all adults would consider imagination only for children, I think a lot of them would say that it has no place in our spiritual walk with Christ. I know I have struggled to understand how imagination could enhance my walk with Christ. Aren't I supposed to condemn anything that is not completely and utterly true in my life? Aren't I not to waste my thoughts on things that aren't real?

Everything about us is God given. We are created in His image. How do you think God created all the animals and plants and bugs? He imagined what they would look like. Not only did He imagine what they would look like, He imagined all the intricate details of their biology and anatomy and chemical structure and psychology. He imagined how they would interact with the world around them and how they would benefit off each other. He imagined it and then He created it. So I believe imagination is completely spiritual.

The problem is sin has perverted everything that is good. Now imagination has been tacked on with all the negative. At it's best, it's considered only good for making children's programs and used in daycares. At it's worst, it's used in making the most graphic and disturbing horror movies or in pornos. And so I think Christians have kind of subconsciously decided that imagination is bad and have worked hard not to use it.

Imagination allows me to see God's face in a sunset. Imagination allows me to envision prayers being answered. Imagination let's me feel God wrap His arms around me at night when I go to bed. Imagination helps me get through a really tough day by visualizing God picking me up and holding me. Imagination goes crazy when I'm in a worshipful spirit and can see Him everywhere I look.

The real test of spiritual focus is being able to bring your thoughts and your imagination under control. Is your mind focused on the face of an idol? Is the idol yourself? Is it your work? Is it your idea of what a servant should be, or maybe your experience of salvation and sanctification? ... It is God you need. Go beyond yourself and away from the faces of your idols and away from everything else that has been blinding your thinking, your imagination.
- Oswald Chambers

Imagination is important to our spiritual walk. It's important to my relationship with Christ. Whatever is hindering from using my imagination in a way that is holy and pleasing to the Lord has got to go, because it's keeping me from my God. Oswald Chambers says that it is more important to be broken bread and poured out wine when you are alone, in intercession for other people than it is to be broken bread and poured out wine in your relationship with other people. That really pulls me up. I have been working so hard to be a servant to those around me, that I have not been in prayer or intercession for them. And I certainly have not been broken bread or poured out wine. But that's how it's supposed to be isn't it? We should be pouring ourselves out to God since He is the focus of our hearts and our lives and our souls. It makes sense that I should be poured out in His presence first to be efficiently poured out in people's lives.

Feed the Hungry

Here's a new thought for you. A new concept. A new approach. A new way to look at things.

We are to pour ourselves out for others and/or allow them to feed on us until they learn to feed on God instead. We are to be emptied for others and filled up by the Holy Spirit. We are to "feed His sheep" with what they need to not starve. We know what that is. We know the power of that spiritual food. We feast on it everyday. What we don't always remember is we feast on it in order to be filled up and feed everyone else. We were created to be poured out. We were created to be spiritually exhausted so that He can replenish us.

The process of being broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for people's souls until they learn to feed on God.
- Oswald Chambers

We can't be stingy. We can't worry about spiritual obesity or whether we should plan for a spiritual drought. We have to provide the feast every single day for those that will come and eat. Because tomorrow may not come for us. Today could be our last chance to feed those who are hungry. We can't worry about presentation or formal dining rules. It's a first come, first serve buffet line of inexhaustible and replenishable food. Some will dine daintily while others throw themselves headfirst onto the table. We should pray for those that dive. Those are the ones who have recognize their need and embraced the only way to fulfill it. Those are the people who are going to listen when we direct them to the Eternal Flow of food.

Continually look back to the foundation of your love and affection and remember where your Source of power lies.
- Oswald Chambers

I don't fully understand this, although I know it's true. Conceptually I get it. Practically I don't, not really. How am I food? What exactly do people feed off of? And how do I lead them to feed from the Source?

We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and sheep, as well as for Him.
-Oswald Chambers

I guess the point is that I have to always be completely and totally dependent on Him, always seeking my satisfaction and fulfillment from Him. Not only for my own benefit, because that is the only way to live, but also for others. So that they can feed off of me and eventually feed off of Him just like I am. I'm not just affecting myself when I fall off track or when I get my fulfillment form other sources...I'm affecting those in my life that need God's nourishment.

Lent

This entire week has been a struggle. It's seemed like I've had more tendency to complain or to feel tired or anxious or scared. I have been waking up an hour and a half late every morning, if not later, and so have been thrown off my schedule every day. I'm missing out on my Jesus. I'm losing contact with Him. And I think I finally figured out why...I've been eating a ton of junk lately. There's this thing called a "food hangover." When you go to sleep, your body stops digesting. So if you eat a lot of junk that sits in your stomach or you eat right before you go to bed, when you wake up your body has to start digesting again. It makes you feel sluggish and exhausted in the morning. Which is exactly how I've been feeling and I think it's why I've been oversleeping. My body is tired of digesting crap!

But there are a lot of things in my life that have been slowly creeping in and are edging and pushing and making themselves a bigger part of my heart than they should be. I'm spending way too much time just playing around on facebook. I'm indulging myself way overboard with food. My entire satelite self is slowing being misaligned. I'm complaining more, my language is getting full of wasted words, I'm seeking validation,

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for reflection and taking stock. Lent originated in the very earliest days of the Church as a preparatory time for Easter, when the faithful rededicated themselves and when converts were instructed in the faith and prepared for baptism. By observing the forty days of Lent, the individual Christian imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days.
- Reverend Ken Collins.

This year, Paul Mints (my pastor) has asked our church to celebrate Lent. I'm excited because I know the end result is to be closer to God. I'm excited because I am not happy with where I am right now and I know it is because of my own actions.

Dejection stems from one of two sources - I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied...it is impossible to be well physically and be dejected.
- Oswald Chambers

That's exactly how I feel. Dejected. And it is because I have been indulging and satisfying the lusts of my heart instead of surrendering completely to my Lord Jesus Christ.

Are we prepared to pay the price of sanctification? The cost will be a deep restriction of all our earthly concerns, and an extensive cultivation of all our godly concerns. Sanctification means to be intensely focused on God's point of view. It means to secure and to keep all the strength of our body, soul, and spirit for God's purpose alone.
- Oswald Chambers

I can't wait for Lent. There is so much weighing me down from jumping into His arms. There is so much just plain wrong with life right now. I can't wait until February 17th to feel His embrace again. God I want You near, I want You here, I want You now. I need You above everything else.

For my own personal and spiritual growth, I want to abstain from meat. I want to eat fresh, healthy foods and get out of this perpetual food hangover. When Lent comes, I will give up facebook. This way, when it is time for Lent my body will be purged and the time I will have since I won't be on facebook I can fully give to God because I won't be dragging.

"For what do I have if I don't have You Jesus, what in this life can mean anymore. You are my rock, You are my glory, You are the lifter of my head."
- "Cry of My Heart", Starfield