Blue Screen of Death

When the Son of God prays, He is mindful and consciously aware of only His Father.
- Oswald Chambers

I'm not always aware of my Father. We are called to pray continuously, so I'm assuming that also means being consciously aware of God too. I wish I was. But there's so much rattling around in my brain. Things to do. Memories. Wishes. Hopes. Dreams. Stresses. Pictures. Videos. Movies. Facebook. Books. Philosophies. Patterns of thinking. Plans. And then plain old subconscious riff raff that pops in every now and then.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels crazy sometimes. Is my head really supposed to act like this? Is there a delete button somewhere? Can I at least organize all this crap into folders and only have to deal with them when I open the folder?

My desktop is full of icons and has about 2398472384729 popups appearing at any given second. No wonder my brain freezes up. I don't have the RAM for this!

Simplicity is what I long for. It's like my own personal utopia. Even as I grab for more and more things to complicate and fill up my life, my inner soul just cries out simply for Jesus.

Our ordinary abilities will never worship God unless they are transformed by the indwelling Son of God. We must make sure that our human flesh is kept in perfect submission to Him, allowing Him to work through it moment by moment Are we living at such a level of human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being exhibited moment by moment in us?
- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord"
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Plastic surgery? Heart transplant.

Am I allowing His holy innocence, simplicity, and oneness with the Father the chance to exhibit itself in me?

Am I simple enough to identify myself with the Lord in this way?

Is He having His wonderful way with me?

Is God's will being fulfilled in that His son has been formed in me, or have I carefully pushed Him to one side?

Is the Son of God praying in me, bringing honor to the Father, or am I dictating my demands to Him?

Is He ministering in me as He did in the time of His manhood here on earth?

Is God's son in me going through His passion, suffering so that His own purposes might be fulfilled?

- Oswald Chambers

I'm not sure how to answer these questions. When I think back to December, when God first called me to this year long committment and I remember how I felt, how I thought, what I expected for the year, how determined I was, it's almost like another person. I have definitely wandered. I have definitely been distracted. I have definitely wandered off the beaten path more than a few times.

It makes me wonder if there is still time. The year is more than halfway over. My inclination right now is to kick it into overdrive, to make up for what was lacking the past few months. Work like crazy to earn my spot in heaven again. Got to prove that I'm worth it. Got to prove that I can do it. Got to prove that I'm not worthless, that I'm not a failure.

"He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption."
- 1 Corinthians 1:30

Continually learning that it is not myself anymore, but it is Him. Learning to swallow my pride, learning to bite my tongue, learning to release my anger/bitterness/hatred of people for what they've "done" to me and instead ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the characteristics of Christ.

Mold me. Change me. Reconstruct me. Until there is nothing left of myself, kill my flesh and burn away the chaff. Let this not be a simple plastic surgery that is quick and easy, has no recovery time, and only affects the surface of my life. Lord, take it to the root of the problem. Cut out my heart and the dead flesh around it and replace it with Your healthy, beating, beautiful Heart. Give me Your Son.

Stress

The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.

It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.

Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.

Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.

I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.

But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18

I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.

God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.

Following God Despite Bleeding from Your Uterus

I started off today's God time completely in the wrong mood, and I knew it. I finally started my period today after days of my body telling me "it's now, it's now!". I've been in that state of being that all women are aware of when people keep telling you to calm down and you scream back "I AM CALM!". It's a fun island to live on for a week or two at a time.

I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.

When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.

So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.

Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.

I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.

The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?

I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.

So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.

Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.

"Seeking to do the will of the Father was one of the dominating concerns throughout our Lord's life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose."

"The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God's purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own."

"We have no idea what God's goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."

"The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God."

- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Sanctification

"This is the will of God, your sanctification..."

The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it. If nothing else, this year has showed me how extremely selfish, self-centered, self-sufficient I really am. The things I know I should do, I don't want to. I think I love people but I really love the fulfillment I get when I do things for them. I think I love people but it actually wouldn't matter to me if they died or not.

That sounds so much worse when I write it down then when I think it in my head.

But it's true. My sinful heart cares only for itself. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care. What a scary thing it is to realize just how evil I am. It's easy to point at Hitler and terrorists and say "That is evil incarnate." How easy is it to then point that finger back at me and say "I am evil incarnate."

The allure of life outside of God is so strong. It's so easy to deceive my own heart, to trick it into being distracted by day to day things. Sometimes I catch myself, but even then that pull is so strong I almost give in anyway.

"You can come back from this, it won't hurt yourself at all"

"God will still love you even if you do that"

"It'll be fun and you deserve it"

"It's ok for that person so it's ok for you"

How can I be freed from my chains of sin and lies and evil and then pick them up and put them back on myself?

God, I want to spend money on those clothes. God, I want to look good in those people's eyes. God, I want to go to that party. God, I want that boy, any boy, to kiss me. God, I want to tan and work out and lose weight and look more attractive.

Me me me.

I I I.

I am a living, breathing Me monster.

Why can't I find my fulfillment in you Lord? Why do I have to turn to these other things? Why do I have to be so focused on myself all the time?

God I can't suffer for you. I can't bring you glory. I can't even let go of my own desire to be liked by everyone.

I don't know how to be a daughter. I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to be a Christian. I don't know how to be Your child. I don't know how to be an employee. I don't know how to be a waitress. God, I can't do any of the things I'm supposed to do. Not only can I not do the actions I'm supposed to, I can't be the things I'm supposed to.

I want people to depend on me, so I feel important. But I fail them every time. I want to be good at things so people look at me and say that I'm amazing. I want to wow people, I want to shock them, I want to draw them into myself.

Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self-interest - simply to be ready for death? Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me"? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?
- Oswald Chambers

God, I'm not. I was at one point, but somewhere it changed. Somewhere I turned from that and rolled around in the muck that You just cleaned off of me. I'm not willing and I'm not determined. I'm just stuck, crawling weakly away from You because I don't have the strength or the willpower to turn around and lift my hands for You to pick me up. God rescue me. Change my heart Lord. Turn me back towards You, because I know that is where my peace is. I know that is where my true fulfillment is. I know that is where I am filled with your joy. I know that is where life makes sense.

Continue to break me God. Pummel me down so that I don't find myself far from You again.

Lessons for the Week

I am broken. Inside and out, through and through, from the top to the bottom, completely and utterly broken. The boards are rotten and full of termites, the pipes are rusty, mold lives in every crevice, and there's shit smeared on the walls.

The instant I forget that, or pretend that everything's ok is the instant I pull my hand out of God's. It's when I turn tail and run directly from His presence. It's when I stop cleaning, throw my towel in the bucket, and start flinging mud around.

Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender.
- Oswald Chambers

As long as I have this little piece of me held back, as long as I tell God "Take all of me except this part right here" I will never be of any use to Him. Because when it comes time to be used by Him, I will have selfishly kept something to myself. What is the point of surrender if I am not fully releasing myself?

Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says.
- Oswald Chambers

It's hard. It's scary. You can't see what's in front of you, you don't know if you will be jumping up or jumping down or simply free-falling. But whatever it is you end up doing, you have to trust and know that it is all to bring glory to God...and that has to give you peace. If that does not bring you peace, you are not His child. In fact, I think that it would give you not just peace but joy, excitement, readiness to jump feet first, arms spread wide to receive whatever Jesus has planned for you in that darkness.

If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone. I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be - absolutely perfect and right.
- Oswald Chambers

I spent 20 years of my life trusting in everyone around me. I was left with so much bitterness and cynicism and hopeless dependency issues that it's a wonder to me that anyone put up with me for longer than 3 minutes. I trusted in my parents and they failed me. I trusted in my friends and they failed me. I trusted in boyfriends and they failed me. I trusted in my bosses and they failed me. I trusted in youth workers and pastors and they failed me.

The only saving grace, the only perfect love, the only accountability to be found is found in Jesus Christ.

The purpose of our Christian training is to get us into the right relationship to the "needs" of God and His will. Once God's "needs" in us have been met, He will open the way for us to accomplish His will, meeting His "needs" elsewhere.
- Oswald Chambers

If I can't sit still and allow God to work in me, clean me, teach me, train me, discipline me, how can He use me at all? I might as well lock myself in a room and stay there, that's about how useful I would be. God called me to devote this year to Him, not so that I can make a lot of money and live comfortably for once in my life, not so I could build friendships, not so I could get involved in ministries, not so I could get a good tan going but so that I would discipline myself to sit still and listen to His voice, to obey His teachings, to think His thoughts, to let my ways follow His ways, to become so closely ingrained in Him that there is no obvious separation and all this so that He might be brought the glory. All is for His glory.

Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me.
- Oswald Chambers

Oh God, that you would melt my skull with Your glory and liquefy my body with Your presence. Let nothing be left of myself, I gladly march into the furnace to so that I would be burned up and only You remain.

Can a sinner be turned into a saint? Can a twisted life be made right? Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do? Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see? Has any spiritual work been accomplished in me at all?

God's Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.
- Oswald Chambers

God I trust that You can do what I cannot, because if You can't than we are all lost. My hope is in You and my faith lies at Your feet. I know that without You I am utterly nothing, I cease to exist and it amazes me that You allow me not only to keep existing, but to live and not only to live but to live well, to flourish, to influence others lives, to grow and learn and develop in ways that blow my mind. It amazes me how You have completely set me up for success, surrounding me with love and support, putting in my hands Your word and Your direction, speaking directly to my heart and mind.

God, You are holy. You are mighty. You are the ALPHA and OMEGA, where there is no beginning and end. You are eternal and You are perfect. You recognize me out of all You have created and You endeavor to let me know You. You pursue me and You want me. God I don't deserve anything that You give me but I am so so grateful every time You bless me. Fill my heart God with love for You and fill my mind with thoughts of You and fill my eyes with visions of Your face and fill my body with Your Spirit.

Crippling Fear

It is difficult to be changed. It is hard to learn a different way of thinking, of behaving, of living. It hurts to heal. It is complicated. It is messy. It is painful.

It is necessary.

It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.

God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.

God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.

God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.

Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.

Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.

True love casts out all fear.

Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.

God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.

Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?

It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.

But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.

Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the senes that "underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again.
- Oswald Chambers