The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.
It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.
Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.
Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.
I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.
But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.
"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18
I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.
God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Following God Despite Bleeding from Your Uterus
I started off today's God time completely in the wrong mood, and I knew it. I finally started my period today after days of my body telling me "it's now, it's now!". I've been in that state of being that all women are aware of when people keep telling you to calm down and you scream back "I AM CALM!". It's a fun island to live on for a week or two at a time.
I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.
When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.
So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.
Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.
I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.
The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?
I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.
So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.
Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.
Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31
I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.
When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.
So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.
Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.
I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.
The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?
I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.
So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.
Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.
"Seeking to do the will of the Father was one of the dominating concerns throughout our Lord's life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose."
"The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God's purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own."
"We have no idea what God's goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."
"The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God."
- Oswald Chambers
Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Sanctification
"This is the will of God, your sanctification..."The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it. If nothing else, this year has showed me how extremely selfish, self-centered, self-sufficient I really am. The things I know I should do, I don't want to. I think I love people but I really love the fulfillment I get when I do things for them. I think I love people but it actually wouldn't matter to me if they died or not.
That sounds so much worse when I write it down then when I think it in my head.
But it's true. My sinful heart cares only for itself. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care. What a scary thing it is to realize just how evil I am. It's easy to point at Hitler and terrorists and say "That is evil incarnate." How easy is it to then point that finger back at me and say "I am evil incarnate."
The allure of life outside of God is so strong. It's so easy to deceive my own heart, to trick it into being distracted by day to day things. Sometimes I catch myself, but even then that pull is so strong I almost give in anyway.
"You can come back from this, it won't hurt yourself at all"
"God will still love you even if you do that"
"It'll be fun and you deserve it"
"It's ok for that person so it's ok for you"
How can I be freed from my chains of sin and lies and evil and then pick them up and put them back on myself?
God, I want to spend money on those clothes. God, I want to look good in those people's eyes. God, I want to go to that party. God, I want that boy, any boy, to kiss me. God, I want to tan and work out and lose weight and look more attractive.
Me me me.
I I I.
I am a living, breathing Me monster.
Why can't I find my fulfillment in you Lord? Why do I have to turn to these other things? Why do I have to be so focused on myself all the time?
God I can't suffer for you. I can't bring you glory. I can't even let go of my own desire to be liked by everyone.
I don't know how to be a daughter. I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to be a Christian. I don't know how to be Your child. I don't know how to be an employee. I don't know how to be a waitress. God, I can't do any of the things I'm supposed to do. Not only can I not do the actions I'm supposed to, I can't be the things I'm supposed to.
I want people to depend on me, so I feel important. But I fail them every time. I want to be good at things so people look at me and say that I'm amazing. I want to wow people, I want to shock them, I want to draw them into myself.
Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self-interest - simply to be ready for death? Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me"? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?God, I'm not. I was at one point, but somewhere it changed. Somewhere I turned from that and rolled around in the muck that You just cleaned off of me. I'm not willing and I'm not determined. I'm just stuck, crawling weakly away from You because I don't have the strength or the willpower to turn around and lift my hands for You to pick me up. God rescue me. Change my heart Lord. Turn me back towards You, because I know that is where my peace is. I know that is where my true fulfillment is. I know that is where I am filled with your joy. I know that is where life makes sense.
- Oswald Chambers
Continue to break me God. Pummel me down so that I don't find myself far from You again.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Lessons for the Week
I am broken. Inside and out, through and through, from the top to the bottom, completely and utterly broken. The boards are rotten and full of termites, the pipes are rusty, mold lives in every crevice, and there's shit smeared on the walls.
The instant I forget that, or pretend that everything's ok is the instant I pull my hand out of God's. It's when I turn tail and run directly from His presence. It's when I stop cleaning, throw my towel in the bucket, and start flinging mud around.
It's hard. It's scary. You can't see what's in front of you, you don't know if you will be jumping up or jumping down or simply free-falling. But whatever it is you end up doing, you have to trust and know that it is all to bring glory to God...and that has to give you peace. If that does not bring you peace, you are not His child. In fact, I think that it would give you not just peace but joy, excitement, readiness to jump feet first, arms spread wide to receive whatever Jesus has planned for you in that darkness.
The only saving grace, the only perfect love, the only accountability to be found is found in Jesus Christ.
If I can't sit still and allow God to work in me, clean me, teach me, train me, discipline me, how can He use me at all? I might as well lock myself in a room and stay there, that's about how useful I would be. God called me to devote this year to Him, not so that I can make a lot of money and live comfortably for once in my life, not so I could build friendships, not so I could get involved in ministries, not so I could get a good tan going but so that I would discipline myself to sit still and listen to His voice, to obey His teachings, to think His thoughts, to let my ways follow His ways, to become so closely ingrained in Him that there is no obvious separation and all this so that He might be brought the glory. All is for His glory.
Oh God, that you would melt my skull with Your glory and liquefy my body with Your presence. Let nothing be left of myself, I gladly march into the furnace to so that I would be burned up and only You remain.
God I trust that You can do what I cannot, because if You can't than we are all lost. My hope is in You and my faith lies at Your feet. I know that without You I am utterly nothing, I cease to exist and it amazes me that You allow me not only to keep existing, but to live and not only to live but to live well, to flourish, to influence others lives, to grow and learn and develop in ways that blow my mind. It amazes me how You have completely set me up for success, surrounding me with love and support, putting in my hands Your word and Your direction, speaking directly to my heart and mind.
God, You are holy. You are mighty. You are the ALPHA and OMEGA, where there is no beginning and end. You are eternal and You are perfect. You recognize me out of all You have created and You endeavor to let me know You. You pursue me and You want me. God I don't deserve anything that You give me but I am so so grateful every time You bless me. Fill my heart God with love for You and fill my mind with thoughts of You and fill my eyes with visions of Your face and fill my body with Your Spirit.
The instant I forget that, or pretend that everything's ok is the instant I pull my hand out of God's. It's when I turn tail and run directly from His presence. It's when I stop cleaning, throw my towel in the bucket, and start flinging mud around.
Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender.As long as I have this little piece of me held back, as long as I tell God "Take all of me except this part right here" I will never be of any use to Him. Because when it comes time to be used by Him, I will have selfishly kept something to myself. What is the point of surrender if I am not fully releasing myself?
- Oswald Chambers
Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says.
- Oswald Chambers
It's hard. It's scary. You can't see what's in front of you, you don't know if you will be jumping up or jumping down or simply free-falling. But whatever it is you end up doing, you have to trust and know that it is all to bring glory to God...and that has to give you peace. If that does not bring you peace, you are not His child. In fact, I think that it would give you not just peace but joy, excitement, readiness to jump feet first, arms spread wide to receive whatever Jesus has planned for you in that darkness.
If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone. I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be - absolutely perfect and right.I spent 20 years of my life trusting in everyone around me. I was left with so much bitterness and cynicism and hopeless dependency issues that it's a wonder to me that anyone put up with me for longer than 3 minutes. I trusted in my parents and they failed me. I trusted in my friends and they failed me. I trusted in boyfriends and they failed me. I trusted in my bosses and they failed me. I trusted in youth workers and pastors and they failed me.
- Oswald Chambers
The only saving grace, the only perfect love, the only accountability to be found is found in Jesus Christ.
The purpose of our Christian training is to get us into the right relationship to the "needs" of God and His will. Once God's "needs" in us have been met, He will open the way for us to accomplish His will, meeting His "needs" elsewhere.
- Oswald Chambers
If I can't sit still and allow God to work in me, clean me, teach me, train me, discipline me, how can He use me at all? I might as well lock myself in a room and stay there, that's about how useful I would be. God called me to devote this year to Him, not so that I can make a lot of money and live comfortably for once in my life, not so I could build friendships, not so I could get involved in ministries, not so I could get a good tan going but so that I would discipline myself to sit still and listen to His voice, to obey His teachings, to think His thoughts, to let my ways follow His ways, to become so closely ingrained in Him that there is no obvious separation and all this so that He might be brought the glory. All is for His glory.
Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me.
- Oswald Chambers
Oh God, that you would melt my skull with Your glory and liquefy my body with Your presence. Let nothing be left of myself, I gladly march into the furnace to so that I would be burned up and only You remain.
Can a sinner be turned into a saint? Can a twisted life be made right? Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do? Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see? Has any spiritual work been accomplished in me at all?
God's Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.
- Oswald Chambers
God I trust that You can do what I cannot, because if You can't than we are all lost. My hope is in You and my faith lies at Your feet. I know that without You I am utterly nothing, I cease to exist and it amazes me that You allow me not only to keep existing, but to live and not only to live but to live well, to flourish, to influence others lives, to grow and learn and develop in ways that blow my mind. It amazes me how You have completely set me up for success, surrounding me with love and support, putting in my hands Your word and Your direction, speaking directly to my heart and mind.
God, You are holy. You are mighty. You are the ALPHA and OMEGA, where there is no beginning and end. You are eternal and You are perfect. You recognize me out of all You have created and You endeavor to let me know You. You pursue me and You want me. God I don't deserve anything that You give me but I am so so grateful every time You bless me. Fill my heart God with love for You and fill my mind with thoughts of You and fill my eyes with visions of Your face and fill my body with Your Spirit.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Crippling Fear
It is difficult to be changed. It is hard to learn a different way of thinking, of behaving, of living. It hurts to heal. It is complicated. It is messy. It is painful.
It is necessary.
It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.
God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.
God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.
God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.
Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.
Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.
True love casts out all fear.
Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.
God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.
Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?
It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.
But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.
It is necessary.
It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.
God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.
God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.
God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.
Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.
Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.
True love casts out all fear.
Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.
God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.
Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?
It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.
But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.
Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the senes that "underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again.
- Oswald Chambers
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Luke 4
Luke 4:1-13
First off, I just think it's cool that Jesus was "full of the Holy Spirit" and was "led by the Holy Spirit". He was so fully man that He needed to be lead by God's presence through the Holy Spirit. Just like us, He had to be filled with the Holy Spirit for God to work through Him. Just like us, Jesus had to commune with His Father, He had to make the conscious decision to love Him.
Also interesting that it was only AFTER 40 days of not eating that Jesus became hungry. Was it because He was so entranced with His Father that He didn't even notice His hunger pains? Did He not have any hunger pains at all? Either way, after those 40 days I bet those hunger pains were vicious.
Also interesting that it says the devil was with Him all those 40 days, tempting him. But it doesn't tell us what those temptations are, only the last 3 after the 40 days. It must have taken an extreme force of will for Jesus to stay focused on God for 40 days while the devil himself is there tempting Him. I guess that's why He didn't notice that He was hungry!
When the devil tells Jesus that because He's the Son of God, He can turn the stones all around them into bread and eat some I can't help but think "Duh." It seems like such a silly and useless temptation. I imagine Jesus saying "Oh well thank you for revealing to me the full scale of my power in God. I wasn't aware I could turn these stones into bread, and here I've been starving for 40 days for nothing." You know? It just seems so ridiculous. And all Christ says in return is "The Scriptures say we do not live on bread alone." Which is so much more "bad ass", if Christ is allowed to be "bad ass" that is. It's like a knife straight through to Satan's heart (does he have one btw?). Jesus is telling Satan that He doesn't even care about eating because communing with God is so much more fulfilling and satiating and desirable and freaking AWESOME that simply eating is so passe. It's like eating is a let down after 40 days of straight God time. Jesus is reminding Satan of what He experiences every day and what Satan gave up. I think Satan is torn up, I think he has this immense passion and desire for God that burns hotter than any desire we have ourselves and instead of embracing it and throwing himself straight into it to be burned up, he hates it. He despises it. He keeps it burning and he keeps the pain present because he wants to hate it. It is the fuel behind all his evil in the world. But at the same time, it is something he wants more than anything...to be fully and totally surrendered to God.
After the food temptation, Satan shows Jesus all the empires and kingdoms and rulers of the past and of the future and tells Him that He can have it all...if He worships Satan. Can anyone else picture Jesus as a Satanist? Sacrificing goats, painting blood all over the place, black lipstick, heavy eyeshadow, lip piercing? No? I didn't think so either. It's so utterly ludicrous, I have to wonder at Satan's powers of analyzing. He's effectively saying "Here Jesus, see all these kingdoms from way back then and for in the future? I will totally give you all the power that entails if you just get on your face before me." And Jesus goes "I knew about all these kingdoms before you even thought about falling from heaven. I am the deciding force behind all these kingdoms and am the one who gives them all their power. I created you from nothing and even now, in your rebellion and hatred of myself, even now I completely and totally control and own you. I have all the power of heaven and earth at my very fingertips and soon every knee will bow and every tongue confess that I am Lord and I will destroy this heaven and earth in favor of a new heaven and earth far greater than this one ever will be. And you want me to lay down before you?" After which I imagine Jesus laughing like its the best joke He's ever heard (Btw, does God laugh at jokes, since He created them all?) So that's how I would imagine Jesus answering...Or it's how I would answer for Him, if someone posed the question to me. But that's not how Jesus answers. He just simply says "Scriptures say to worship God alone." Maybe all the things I thought would have been good to say are all inherent in that little sentence.
Finally Satan takes Jesus up high and is getting tired of Jesus continually quoting Scripture at him, so he throws his own scriptures in there and says "Throw yourself down since the Scriptures say the angels will save you." Does Satan think Jesus is an adrenaline junkie or something? Go ahead, throw yourself off a cliff just to see what happens. You're God, the angels have to save you and it'll be awesome! Satan's argument doesn't even make sense to me...Scriptures say that the angels will save you...ok, that doesn't mean you go putting yourself in danger just to try it out! Which is effectively what Jesus tells him, "The Scriptures say do not test the Lord".
The best part? That last sentence...it says Satan retreats for a more "opportune time". Like he's hiding from God and laying in wait to pounce when God least expects it.
This next section is when Jesus goes back to his hometown of Nazareth. He has been on a teaching/preaching trip, going from town to town and entering their synagogue and preaching from the Scriptures. So He does the same thing in Nazareth and quotes "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Then He tells all the people in the synagogue that He is the fulfillment of that scripture.
And everyone just kind of looks at him like "Are you crazy". How weird would it be to have someone you grew up with, went to school with, sat at lunch with for years and years tell you that they fulfill scripture? You played soccer with them and saw them pick their nose and eat glue and puke from eating too much birthday cake...and now you're saying you're the Son of God? Get out of here. It wouldn't make sense, it wouldn't compute. It makes me really wonder how Jesus was before He started His ministry. The gospels are very good at giving us a clear picture of Jesus during and after His ministry, but what about before? How did he go through puberty? How did He treat the boys and girls His age? How did He talk to His parents and other adults? How did He work at His school? What things interested Him, got Him excited? How did He deal with bullies and people who wanted to fight or argue or challenge Him? How did He treat the girls who had crushes on Him?
Jesus then tells the people gathered that prophets are never accepted in their hometown, pointing back to Elijah and Elisha and how they had to go far from their town or their people to be able to minister the hand of God.
And for whatever reason this pisses everyone off. To the point where they drove Jesus out of the synagogue and out of the town and to the edge of a cliff, where they were going to throw Him over the edge and kill him.
Goodness.
Humans are insane.
I've tried to picture what it would look like to drive Jesus out of a synagogue and a town. Did Jesus run? Did they push Him over and over and over until they got Him out? Did they grab Him by the arms and hustle Him out? Did they pick Him up and carry Him above their heads? Was He caught up in the crowd and forced along? Did they hit him?
And then when the whole crowd (probably the whole town) got to the edge of the cliff, Jesus just disappears.
Which begs the question...why not do that at the beginning? Why let the crowd run you out of the synagogue and town? Why endure the shoving and pushing and hitting?
Luke 4:41
Jesus has just healed Simon's mother and is in her home, enjoying her hospitality, and receiving all the sick and demon possessed people of the area. Why does Jesus tell all the demons that come out of these people to be quiet and not to proclaim who He is?
Is it a secret or something?
Luke4:42
First off, I just think it's cool that Jesus was "full of the Holy Spirit" and was "led by the Holy Spirit". He was so fully man that He needed to be lead by God's presence through the Holy Spirit. Just like us, He had to be filled with the Holy Spirit for God to work through Him. Just like us, Jesus had to commune with His Father, He had to make the conscious decision to love Him.
Also interesting that it was only AFTER 40 days of not eating that Jesus became hungry. Was it because He was so entranced with His Father that He didn't even notice His hunger pains? Did He not have any hunger pains at all? Either way, after those 40 days I bet those hunger pains were vicious.
Also interesting that it says the devil was with Him all those 40 days, tempting him. But it doesn't tell us what those temptations are, only the last 3 after the 40 days. It must have taken an extreme force of will for Jesus to stay focused on God for 40 days while the devil himself is there tempting Him. I guess that's why He didn't notice that He was hungry!
When the devil tells Jesus that because He's the Son of God, He can turn the stones all around them into bread and eat some I can't help but think "Duh." It seems like such a silly and useless temptation. I imagine Jesus saying "Oh well thank you for revealing to me the full scale of my power in God. I wasn't aware I could turn these stones into bread, and here I've been starving for 40 days for nothing." You know? It just seems so ridiculous. And all Christ says in return is "The Scriptures say we do not live on bread alone." Which is so much more "bad ass", if Christ is allowed to be "bad ass" that is. It's like a knife straight through to Satan's heart (does he have one btw?). Jesus is telling Satan that He doesn't even care about eating because communing with God is so much more fulfilling and satiating and desirable and freaking AWESOME that simply eating is so passe. It's like eating is a let down after 40 days of straight God time. Jesus is reminding Satan of what He experiences every day and what Satan gave up. I think Satan is torn up, I think he has this immense passion and desire for God that burns hotter than any desire we have ourselves and instead of embracing it and throwing himself straight into it to be burned up, he hates it. He despises it. He keeps it burning and he keeps the pain present because he wants to hate it. It is the fuel behind all his evil in the world. But at the same time, it is something he wants more than anything...to be fully and totally surrendered to God.
After the food temptation, Satan shows Jesus all the empires and kingdoms and rulers of the past and of the future and tells Him that He can have it all...if He worships Satan. Can anyone else picture Jesus as a Satanist? Sacrificing goats, painting blood all over the place, black lipstick, heavy eyeshadow, lip piercing? No? I didn't think so either. It's so utterly ludicrous, I have to wonder at Satan's powers of analyzing. He's effectively saying "Here Jesus, see all these kingdoms from way back then and for in the future? I will totally give you all the power that entails if you just get on your face before me." And Jesus goes "I knew about all these kingdoms before you even thought about falling from heaven. I am the deciding force behind all these kingdoms and am the one who gives them all their power. I created you from nothing and even now, in your rebellion and hatred of myself, even now I completely and totally control and own you. I have all the power of heaven and earth at my very fingertips and soon every knee will bow and every tongue confess that I am Lord and I will destroy this heaven and earth in favor of a new heaven and earth far greater than this one ever will be. And you want me to lay down before you?" After which I imagine Jesus laughing like its the best joke He's ever heard (Btw, does God laugh at jokes, since He created them all?) So that's how I would imagine Jesus answering...Or it's how I would answer for Him, if someone posed the question to me. But that's not how Jesus answers. He just simply says "Scriptures say to worship God alone." Maybe all the things I thought would have been good to say are all inherent in that little sentence.
Finally Satan takes Jesus up high and is getting tired of Jesus continually quoting Scripture at him, so he throws his own scriptures in there and says "Throw yourself down since the Scriptures say the angels will save you." Does Satan think Jesus is an adrenaline junkie or something? Go ahead, throw yourself off a cliff just to see what happens. You're God, the angels have to save you and it'll be awesome! Satan's argument doesn't even make sense to me...Scriptures say that the angels will save you...ok, that doesn't mean you go putting yourself in danger just to try it out! Which is effectively what Jesus tells him, "The Scriptures say do not test the Lord".
The best part? That last sentence...it says Satan retreats for a more "opportune time". Like he's hiding from God and laying in wait to pounce when God least expects it.
Luke 4:14Luke 4:16-30
"And Jesus returned in the power of the Holy Spirit to Galilee"
This next section is when Jesus goes back to his hometown of Nazareth. He has been on a teaching/preaching trip, going from town to town and entering their synagogue and preaching from the Scriptures. So He does the same thing in Nazareth and quotes "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Then He tells all the people in the synagogue that He is the fulfillment of that scripture.
And everyone just kind of looks at him like "Are you crazy". How weird would it be to have someone you grew up with, went to school with, sat at lunch with for years and years tell you that they fulfill scripture? You played soccer with them and saw them pick their nose and eat glue and puke from eating too much birthday cake...and now you're saying you're the Son of God? Get out of here. It wouldn't make sense, it wouldn't compute. It makes me really wonder how Jesus was before He started His ministry. The gospels are very good at giving us a clear picture of Jesus during and after His ministry, but what about before? How did he go through puberty? How did He treat the boys and girls His age? How did He talk to His parents and other adults? How did He work at His school? What things interested Him, got Him excited? How did He deal with bullies and people who wanted to fight or argue or challenge Him? How did He treat the girls who had crushes on Him?
Jesus then tells the people gathered that prophets are never accepted in their hometown, pointing back to Elijah and Elisha and how they had to go far from their town or their people to be able to minister the hand of God.
And for whatever reason this pisses everyone off. To the point where they drove Jesus out of the synagogue and out of the town and to the edge of a cliff, where they were going to throw Him over the edge and kill him.
Goodness.
Humans are insane.
I've tried to picture what it would look like to drive Jesus out of a synagogue and a town. Did Jesus run? Did they push Him over and over and over until they got Him out? Did they grab Him by the arms and hustle Him out? Did they pick Him up and carry Him above their heads? Was He caught up in the crowd and forced along? Did they hit him?
And then when the whole crowd (probably the whole town) got to the edge of the cliff, Jesus just disappears.
"But passing through their midst, He went away."
Which begs the question...why not do that at the beginning? Why let the crowd run you out of the synagogue and town? Why endure the shoving and pushing and hitting?
Luke 4:41
Jesus has just healed Simon's mother and is in her home, enjoying her hospitality, and receiving all the sick and demon possessed people of the area. Why does Jesus tell all the demons that come out of these people to be quiet and not to proclaim who He is?
"But He rebuked them and would not allow them to speak, because they knew that He was the Christ."
Is it a secret or something?
Luke4:42
"And when it was day, he departed and went into a desolate place."I like that Jesus life is such a model for ourselves. He did everything just like we have to. He didn't just commune continually with God because He can...He limited Himself, brought Himself to our level so that He would also have to work to experience the intimacy with God that He had naturally. And so, just like us, He had to withdraw to a place alone so that He can be refreshed and refilled by God.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Sometimes...Always
Sometimes it takes an earthquake to bring me back to Him.
Sometimes I have to be utterly broken to receive His love.
Sometimes I wrestle with myself until I have no more energy left.
Sometimes I deal with inner turmoil for days.
Sometimes I cry out in helpless confusion.
Sometimes I try so hard to do what I'm supposed to.
Sometimes I grow so disgusted with myself I want to crawl out of my own body.
Sometimes I think I'm going insane.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Always, He eases my pain.
Always, He loves me.
Always, He guides me.
Always, He teaches me.
Always, He saves me.
Always, He rescues me.
Always, He restores me.
Always, He pursues me.
Always, He is with me.
Sometimes I have to be utterly broken to receive His love.
Sometimes I wrestle with myself until I have no more energy left.
Sometimes I deal with inner turmoil for days.
Sometimes I cry out in helpless confusion.
Sometimes I try so hard to do what I'm supposed to.
Sometimes I grow so disgusted with myself I want to crawl out of my own body.
Sometimes I think I'm going insane.
Always.
Always.
Always.
Always, He eases my pain.
Always, He loves me.
Always, He guides me.
Always, He teaches me.
Always, He saves me.
Always, He rescues me.
Always, He restores me.
Always, He pursues me.
Always, He is with me.
"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:13b-14
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