Real Talk

2012

2012-01-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

This past year has been crazy.

I moved to Austin with my family, got a job at Chuy's, started attending Soma Austin Church.

I met my husband!

February 1st, to be exact. We started dating March 14, he proposed May 25, and we got married November 26.

By far, that is the greatest blessing of the whole year. After reflecting over the year, remembering my own nature...I almost believe God put me with my husband because "someone has to knock some sense into her!" Not that God hasn't knocked sense into me many times...it's kind of my learning style I guess. Marriage is kind of like running...it's awesome and there are immediate and longterm benefits but there are times when you are out of breath and sweaty and exhausted and it's not any fun at all.

In 2009 I finally surrendered myself after 20 years of God begging, pleading, wooing, chasing, and fighting me. In 2010 I learned the way God created humans, how we are created for obedience, to bring God glory, to be filled with His Spirit. I learned to be strong in prayer, not only intercessing for my family or friends, but complete strangers I passed, customers, acquaintances, and people in other countries. I learned what it truly means to pray without ceasing, constantly on the phone with God. I learned to love His voice, His Spirit and to long to be in His presence in heaven. God revealed parts of myself, my sin nature, my greed, my selfishness that I refused to see before. God also revealed who He created me to be, a very distinct picture of the woman He would grow me into...oh how exciting that was! I always wanted to be great, to prove to everyone else that I was worth something and that I could change the world. I had it twisted around, but that desire to change the world was from Him! Because He wanted to use me to change the world for Him, to bring Him glory, to bring His kingdom on earth! The Almighty Lord of the world wants to use me! He has plans already laid out for me and they fulfill me like no other plans of my own could!

Unfortunately, that was 2010...kind of my honeymoon period with the Lord. Come 2011 and all the spiritual habits I had developed out of a desire to seek His face were broken. Suddenly I didn't want to pray without ceasing, because I wanted to do what I wanted to do. Slowly, I stopped praying for other countries, friends I had left behind, and I never developed friendships here in Austin that I would feel obligated to pray for. I had started discipling a young girl towards the end of 2010, and once 2011 rolled around I had lost almost all desire to continue. I used our distance apart as an excuse, stating it was too hard to try and catch each other on the phone. The truth is, I didn't want to make time. I praise God today that her relationship with Him has nothing to do with me and that despite me I believe she has grown in her understanding of our Great Lord. I ran from God. I sought other people's approval and didn't feel accomplished until I received it. I started back into school without a solid way to pay for it, simply because my pride drove me. I dated a guy I barely knew because he said he liked me and I was so desperate to be liked. I hung out with Curtis (now my husband) while dating this other guy because he made me feel so good too. As a result, I used both men...something I am very ashamed to admit. Sucking as much as I could from each man, I pushed one to break up with me and the other I pushed far away from me.

But our Lord is Great and Mighty and He is incredibly merciful. Even though I had only shown myself to be incredibly selfish and desperate, the Lord softened Curtis heart. Curtis told me later that he felt God tell him that "our story was not done yet." Doesn't that send chills down your back?! Curtis responded by completely opening his arms to me and loving me fully from the very start with no abandon. He threw me off guard actually, lol, I remember him saying "I love you" within a week of us dating and I had no idea what to say back. The scary thing was I knew he meant it...not like a young boy who's wrapped up in the romantic and says it just to say it...even if he thinks he means it. There was something deeper in what Curtis meant when he said "I love you," now I recognize it as the love of Christ flowing through him.

So despite my rejection of Christ, despite abandoning Him and following my own selfish pursuits, God still chased after me. Or rather, turned around slowly while I ran frantically around at His feet. (Who are we kidding, can we really run from God? We're just little toddlers running behind our Parent and thinking He can't find us). Curtis portrayed a physical example of Christ to me, not always because he is human. Curtis loved me even through all the bullsh#$%^ I put him through. Just as Christ, he healed my wounds, he rebuked the sin, he held me as I sobbed, he tenderly directed me.

And so now, at the beginning of the new year, I kneel on the ground, arms and face lifted upwards and cry out for His Spirit again. I did it my way, I chased my own desires and all I cared about was me...and there was no fulfillment in it. All I feel is emptiness, pain, hurt, sorrow, regret, disgust and shame. Lord, I want to be REAL again. I want to talk to You again, I want to hear Your Voice again, I want to feel You close to me. I want to learn more about You, about me, about the world, about Your plan. Everything deep inside me cries out for You Lord and I am tired of trying to ignore it.

As Jacob said in his sermon yesterday, quality over quantity. My new year's resolution is to fall on my face before God every day and say "None of self and all of Thee, Lord." No lists this year, nothing that makes me feel like I accomplished something...instead, I empty myself of all my selfish desires and goals and reasonings and instead ask to be filled with His desires and His goals, because I know that those are good for me and I know they will bring me joy like nothing I could dream up. Instead of purposing to do something, I'm purposing

Comparisons: Diving into My Depravity

2011-10-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

It is completely humbling to realize just how much is wrong with you. Or rather, to see the tip of the wrongness and be shocked by it's bigness and then realize there is an entire iceberg under the surface that you can't even see yet.

So much in my thought process is erroneous. The way I think about things, the way I relate things, the conclusions I make, the things I mull over, the things I pass over, the things I stress about and the things I don't care about.

So much in my actions are wrong. Habits of years and years that I'm finally seeing are wrong, not just the way things are. So many tones of voice, small phrases I say, body language, etc is so hurtful to other people and I had no idea.

More and more is being revealed to me. I praise God that ever since I surrendered in 2009 He has been growing me in leaps and bounds in my understanding of Him, in my daily walk with Him, in my obedience, and in my knowledge of Scriptures. Now, I'm blessed that I have someone who is in direct relationship with me, who sees all this wrong in me and is in a position to speak truth to me. To call me out and hold me accountable. Not to condemn me or respond in ugliness, but to teach and process with me. It's interesting to think about just a year ago or even 5 years ago and how desperate I was for a husband, for a companion, for someone to want to be with me always and how I was completely not ready to be in such a relationship. And then I think about now, about to be married in less than 2 months...I'm not that much different from who I was then. I have definitely grown but I am still just as not ready for the relationship I am in. I want it. I need it. I would be lost without it. But I am not giving as much to the relationship as God calls a wife to be. There is still so much bitterness and anger and selfishness in my heart that rises up against my fiancé on an almost daily basis. I think about all this and I praise God for His grace and His mercy, that He would allow me the desire of my heart even though I do not deserve it...and that my fiancé would love me and commit to me despite myself. I am so incredibly blessed.

One thing I am thinking through today, as something that has been brought to my attention, is my habit of thinking in comparisons. The more I think about it, the more I realize just HOW DEEP my thoughts are steeped in comparisons.

I compare myself to other women. I'm not as slim as her, as athletic as her, my hair isn't as long, I'm not as good with makeup as her, I don't have nice handwriting as her, I don't throw parties like her, I'm not as friendly as her, I don't speak as well as her, I don't sing as well as her, I'm not as talented as her, I'm nothing like her.

I think about girls my fiancé has dated before. To my shame, I worry that I don't kiss as well as her, that I'm not as adventurous as she was, that I'm not as sexy or as appealing. After everything I do with my fiancé or for my fiancé, I wonder if she did it better and if he's remembering it.

Probably the most shameful, I compare myself in order to make myself feel better. I'm not as stupid as her, I'm not as ugly as her, I'm not as catty, I would never be that lame, I will never weigh that much, I will never be that rude, I will never be that bitchy.

When my fiancé quietly (or sometimes not as quietly) points out my sin, I immediately compare in my head to things he's done before, things my mother has done, things his mother has done, things other women have done and I try and come up with someone who's done the same or done worse so I can tell myself "Ya, but it's not that big of a deal. You mean well, you didn't really want to do that, and besides he/she has done it more often or done worse. One slip is ok, cut yourself some slack."

Is my desperation apparent to anyone yet? Can you see my lack of identity in Christ? My complete disbelief in who He says I am, who He says He is? Can you see my complete fascination and love affair with myself? No wonder I am antsy all the time, no wonder I can't sit still for hours and just be with God and think on Him and sing to Him and talk with Him. No wonder my soul is weighted, no wonder I keep cracking under the pressure, no wonder I'm sobbing on the phone to my fiancé. No wonder I'm discontent and worried about people's opinion of me, no wonder I despise myself inside and out.

There is so much rot inside this tree. So many dead branches, lifeless limbs, such shallow roots. Cut me to a stump Lord. Rid me of every inch of sickness and disease and death, cleanse me of myself. Break me Lord because I am dying and I want so desperately to live. Thank You for giving me life in the first place, for chasing me down and pursuing me and wooing me even though I whore myself out to idols. Thank You for being faithful while I am faithless, for loving when I hate, for staying by my side when I run away. You are the only solution to my brokenness, the only Healer, the only One who completes me. None of self and all of Thee Lord, clean me, kill me, restore me.

Why He's the One

2011-05-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

So for those who don't know yet...I'm engaged to be married to Curtis Boyd. We can talk about the proposal and everything later because it's pretty badass. But I've been thinking recently and I want to write down what I've been thinking. Sorry if it's out of order for everyone.

I traveled north to Dallas this past weekend to visit some of my oldest girlfriends and show off my new ring. By oldest, I mean they have been my friends the longest...not that they are old. Of course, I told them about the proposal and we talked about everyone else we grew up with and whats going on in their lives. We talked about their lives and my life and just about everything we could think of. Then one of my friends asked me why I was sure that Curtis was the one to marry.

It's a valid question. Curtis and I have only been dating 2 and a half months before he proposed. We had only been dating 2 weeks before we started talking about marriage. I had been dating someone else only 2 weeks before we started dating each other. If this wasn't me, if I was talking to my friend who was getting married after dating a guy for 2 and a half months, I'd say she was crazy. I'd predict an early divorce and sit back to watch the trainwreck. But this isn't my friend I'm talking about. I'm the one marrying my boyfriend of 2.5 months. I'm the one who's crazy.

What's so cool is that Love is crazy. God is love and we just can't understand how He operates. We can't comprehend the intensity with which He loves us or the depth of it or even the mechanics of His breathtaking joy and delight in us. We don't have words to describe it, neither can we effectively act it out. We don't even come close. God's love is crazy. Stephen was stoned to death and prayed for God to not hold his death against his murderers. Thats crazy love. Hosea married a prostitute and loved her and her children even when she continually ran away to sleep with other men for the money and gifts they gave her. Thats crazy love.

I know it's easy to say "I just know. It feels right." I'd roll my eyes at that and think "Ya, ok. Whatever." Even though it is true, it does feel right, I know that there is more to it than that. I don't just feel that Curtis is the man to marry. Because if that was all, it could be gone a week after we're married...and then what? No, this certainty I have about Curtis is not just my feeling.

I love Curtis because of who he is. He is always smiling; his eyes are always playful and twinkling. He has a natural talent for music and lyrics and a natural appreciation for God's creation and beautiful things. He is strong and passionate. He is tender and loving. He delights in everything and sees a joke almost everywhere. His laugh is contagious and people love to be around him.

I love Curtis because of how he loves people. He sees the best in people, always. He wants everyone to succeed and genuinely rejoices and celebrates with people in their accomplishments no matter how small. He loves to teach his friends about the truth of the gospel, of who God is, and his relationship with Him. He is a true friend to people, listening to what they have to say, and appreciating them for who they are. He never demands that people change or judges them for their struggles or torments.

I love Curtis because of how he loves God. He passionately pursues Christ. The lyrics he writes for his band are full of the gospel and he has a desire to reach people in the darkest points of their lives through his music. In almost any conversation he talks about a truth about God or our relationship to Him or something God taught him recently. He told me that he really wants us to demonstrate to the world how 2 people submit and love each other while submitting and loving God.

I love Curtis because of how he loves me. From the first day we met, he hasn't changed how he treats me at all. The reason I first fell for him was because he forgave me for something that I thought would be unforgivable. Not only did he forgive me, but he said he loved me as Christ loves him. He has never withheld his affection to hurt me or punish me but has lavished it on me like he has an unbroken stream of love coursing through his body.

Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

My relationship with Curtis has taught me so much about love, so much about loving God. I've learned about my own selfishness and my insistence on independence. I've learned that I have unreal expectations and the wrong motivations. My own sin nature has become ever more apparent and clear before me that I can't help but cry out to God "Why do you love me?" It's so crazy, this love that God throws on me. I don't deserve it. Not then, not now, not ever. But it never stops. It keeps coming. Even when I don't feel it, even when I rage and rebel and fight against it, it still covers me.

This crazy love, it compels us to throw it back to God. God pours His love on us and it's so insane that we start tossing it back up to Him. We know we can't outdo God's love, we know that it's His own love to start with...but it's like a water fight. We know there is not a winner but we just delight in splashing each other as hard as possible. So as we stand underneath the waterfall of God's love and are drenched, we find ourselves reach down into the pool around our knees and throwing the water as high as we can to try and get God a little wet too. And it's the best feeling in the world.

This crazy love is how I feel about Curtis as well. God's waterfall of love that pours over Curtis causes him to toss bucketfuls over at me, as well as splashing up to the heavens. Receiving those bucketfuls of love from Curtis makes me throw more back at him...but it also gives me more reason to try and splash God as much as I can. The result is this never ending water fight that leaves Curtis and I soaked in God's love. Soaked in His love, I can't help but love the man standing next to me just as soaked.

It's not just feelings. I don't always feel crazy in love. He can frustrate me and I can piss him off. We will have many many fights before we die. We will disagree on important issues. He won't pick up his dirty underwear and I'll leave the fridge door open. But when I remember how much God loves me, and I put myself back into that waterfall...suddenly it's like love triumphs over it all, so that petty disagreements go away and fights turn into new understanding and appreciation for each other.

Isn't that what the gospel is all about? Love triumphs over all. Isn't that what God's purpose and plan for each of us is all about? His Love triumphs over it all.

How do I know that Curtis is the one? Because crazy Love triumphs over it all.

Obedience

2011-02-12T07:07:00.000-08:00

God has given His commands to us, but we pay no attention to them - not because of wilful disobedience, but because we do not truly love and respect Him." - Oswald Chambers

The Lord is terrifying. He is Creator and Destroyer. He is the Beginning and the End. He always was and always will be. Our minds cannot imagine Him and if we were to see Him our eyes could not contain Him (my theory is your whole body disintegrates in the presence of God because His glory is so great....but thats just a theory). The thought of seeing God's face or of hearing Him talk audibly to me is enough to poop your pants...and then some.

It's easier to stay distant from God, to pursue His ways but not Him. It is safer to listen to teachers of the Word, to read the Word, to talk about Christ in our social circles than it is to get naked before Him. It's safer for me to live my life without ever fully looking upward at Him, to honor Him in my actions but not bare my heart for His conviction. Obedience is hard. it is painful. It is messy. It is confusing. We feel better about our obedience if it is merely obedience to a human's interpretation of God's law. A pastor, a teacher, a mentor will all make mistakes. We may feel that we can interpret someone else's interpretation of the Word. We can listen to a sermon, agree with the message, and yet never change our thinking or way of life in light of it.

"Why are we so terrified for God to speak to us? It is because we know that when God speaks we must either do what He asks or tell Him we will not obey. But if it is simply one of God's servants speaking to us, we feel obedience is optional, not imperative. We respond by saying "Well that's only your own idea, even though I don't deny that what you said is probably God's truth." - Oswald Chambers

But when God comes into your life, there is no ignoring Him. He fills every inch with Himself. He invades your heart, your soul, your mind, your body. When the Lord speaks, you will answer. His holiness demands submission. When God commands, you cannot pretend you don't understand. You can't ask for clearer instructions. God commands and gives you what you need to obey. There are no excuses left. Now it's do or die. You either submit, obey, love God or you look into the very embodiment of holiness and say "No."

We all want to say "No" to God. We all want to do everything our own way. We have different pleasures, distractions, things that we delight in (or believe ourselves to delight in) and we don't want God to take it away from us or to tell us to go spend our time/money elsewhere.

Oh the mercy of God, knowing that His very presence demands our submission, He withdraws from creation to allow us free-will. It is always our choice whether or not we obey His commands, whether or not we listen to His voice. God knows that as soon as He puts us before Him, we must obey. How could we not? But the Lord wants our wilful obedience. He wants us to choose to love Him, even further than that He wants us to recognize that we don't have the capacity to love Him but to want to so much that we cry out to be filled with His very Spirit, that Spirit that brings us into direct communication with the Lord, that fills us with His love so that we can pour it back out in praise and worship to Him. How great is our God!

The shame of knowing that I have ignored my Lord, after everything He has led me through, after everything He has done for me...the shame overwhelms me. I can look back over my life and wonder how I could be so stubborn, so stupid to believe that anything less than obedience would be sufficient for God.

Sweet, sweet obedience. Loss of myself. None of self and all of Thee. Empty pockets and open hands. Willful slavery to the cross.

Weigh me down. Wreck my world. Strip me of my idols. Holy Spirit rush through me. Lord convict me. Christ lead me to the cross.

Sacrifice.

2011-02-08T10:05:00.000-08:00

This morning I picked up Radical by David Platt and read a chapter. The chapter was called "How Much is Too Much" and talks about the rich young ruler who Jesus told to sell all possessions in order to follow Christ.

The past week or maybe even longer than that have been stressful for me. The pressure of finding a job as bills piled up, going through training, keeping up with school, discipling a younger sister, with romantic interests sprinkled all in there. Once I start making money, who do I pay back first? When do I find time to read chapters for school, do defensive driving for the county, spend time with family, grow new friendships around me? Is dating a good idea right now or should I worry about other things? Even further back, I was consumed with finding furniture pieces for my room, to create exactly the environment I wanted. I have a to-do list that grows rather than diminishes and I never stop thinking about it.

Every day I look into the eyes of a homeless man or woman just a few feet away from me. Every day I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. If I'm feeling cowardly, I won't even look in their direction. Several days a week I siit next to men and women who are struggling, single moms with several kids and a full-time job who is trying to get an education. Several days a week, I work with men and women who make money to waste it on drinking, possessions, and fun times. There are children who live here in Austin that don't have a solid home, that are jumped from foster house to foster house. There are women raped and abused with no way out and no belief in any other kind of life.

And this is just in Austin. There are so many more hurting and needy people worldwide.

How can I stress? How can I worry about furniture or anything for that matter? Isn't Christ Lord of all? Doesn't God hold everything in His hands? Do I think that I can add one day to my life through my stressing and worrying?

Satan knows that all he has to do is distract me from what really matters. To be consumed with life, with what is "good" and "right" and to ignore or forget about what is "gospel" and "Truth".

When I'm worried, I pull into my own little world. I can't see anything outside of the bubble inside my own head. I'm selfish, thinking and caring only about myself and what I can accomplish.

Lord forgive me. You have told me time and time again that you have my finances under control. You have told me time and time again, this is where you want my focus. I know that when I am surrendered to You, when Your Spirit fills me than allt he cares of this world fade away and I find myself pushing to love as much as Your love can pulse through my body. When I release my hold on everything, You guide my hands to touch the hurt, the sick, those desperate for love. Knowing this, how can I ever pull my hands back?

God I am so depraved. I would rather live for myself than for You. This morning Lord I am reminded of how much You have given me. Lord, rather than basking in my blessings, I want to give them out. Open my eyes Lord, give me ears to hear the cries around me. Fill me with the Spirit that resonates Your will. I lay my hands off of everything Lord and recognize it's ownership in You. Get these things to those that need them Lord. I need nothing Lord but You for man does not live on bread alone. Forgive your daughter for her intentional blindness. Challenge my thoughts, my actions, my will Lord. Weigh down on me with Your glory, expose that which is evil in my heart, scrape the mud off the walls of my life. Blast me with Your Spirit, remove everything that is not bringing glory to Your name. Not what I want Lord, but what You desire. May my thoughts follow Your thoughts, my ways follow Your ways. Empty pockets and open hands I stand before You and praise You for You are I Am.

Men/Women

2011-01-29T07:59:00.000-08:00

Moving is a weird thing. It's weird to wake up in a seemingly new room every day. It's weird to look out the window at neighbors you've never met. It's weird to have to use google maps before you go anywhere. It's weird to walk into a school and not recognize any faces. It's weird to see a homeless man or woman at almost every intersection. It's weird to go to a church where you don't know anyone.

It's like a constant feeling of disorientation. It's not horrible. You don't feel panicky or stricken in terror. It's not necessarily great either. At home, your year of isolation had nice vacations when you ventured into activities with old friends. Can't do that here. Everyone is new, everything is new. It's easy to not date back home, because everyone just knows that you don't. No one knows that here. In fact, because of your instant friendliness, and because for whatever reason it is hard for women to befriend other women...because of all of this, men may automatically assume you are available, thereby ruining their friendship, and women may believe you are only interested in getting your man, thereby killing the potential for that friendship.

Women are great at being nice and cordial and smiling with new people, but very rarely do they befriend them instantly. No, to become a friend you must wait weeks maybe months of polite nothings before they will ever make contact, get your phone number, call you, text you, Facebook you, invite you, include you. Now if you are the sort that doesn't like to wait, that sees all this social hoopla as nonsense, then you may be the one to approach them first, but then of course you seem friendless and maybe a little pathetic. Only women with cold hearts can turn away a crying puppy and there aren't many women with cold hearts. But not many women notice or take in a full grown dog that is healthy and happy. Not until that dog bows down before them, whimpering and whining, perhaps faining a hurt leg, only then will the woman welcome it into her home, her life. But from then on, that dog is her charity case.

Things are so much easier with men. It's all very cut and dry, no pish posh or fiddle faddle. Black and white. Left or right. You're either this or you're that. A man does not like to play around with words. He likes to get his idea out, he likes to speak his mind and to speak it plainly. He plays by the social laws that require small talk but cannot wait til that part is over. He is like you and wants to have conversations about things that matter, things that make a difference. Talking about the weather is all fine and dandy but talking about life is so much more engaging. A man recognizes someone who speaks their mind and immediately respects them for it, whether they agree. They can appreciate a person who has observed, studied, researched, and come to conclusions about things. They like to talk to these people. Having talked, they like to get to know these people better. Instant friendship.

Why is it that I continually find that it is easy peasy to make friends with men, but insanely difficult to make friends with women? It's not that our interests don't line up. I love babies and families, I wear makeup, I own heels and dresses, I'm just as much of a woman as anyone else. Is it something inherent in every woman? Part of our curse from eating of the Tree of Knowledge? Painful child labor, desire for your husband, and oh yeah, near impossible to make friends with other women. Is it just me? Is there something about me that tells women "uh, no"?

God, you're telling me to invest in women. You've told me that a large portion of my ministry is to be to women. What the hell am I supposed to do? I don't know how to engage women. I can make almost any man laugh within 3 minutes of talking with him. I can have a deep conversation with a man over coffee and instantly have a friend. I can call a man in time of need and he jumps to help me. But I cannot get a woman to talk to me longer than 2 minutes before she's moved on to someone else.

Not that I blame you Lord. I know that I pursued friendships and relationships with men for 20 years and didn't care about women. In fact, I probably shunned a fair share of women in my time. I know that I have always struggled to be friends with women. It's just so much harder than men. If I don't talk to a man for a couple years and then call him, he's excited to hear from me. If I do the same with a woman, she deleted my number months ago and ignores my call. Women aren't reasonable Lord! They don't make any sense. Sometimes I just want to shake them and say "Why don't you like me? I'm actually pretty awesome if you'd just notice!"

I don't know how to keep a friendship. I've failed at multiple best friends...my current best friend has forgiven me for oodles of things, and it's only by the grace of God that she's still around. I don't know how to initiate, I'm awkward and clumsy. I stress about saying the right thing, doing the right thing. One wrong move and I can see my progress slipping back down the hill. Back to square one.

You did it this way on purpose didn't You? You have a way of doing that. Of calling me to something that I am utterly incapable of doing, just so I can't be prideful in my own accomplishments.

Thank you. Lord, that You love me to break me of my pride. To pull out the very ground from underneath me. Wreck me Lord. Ruin me. You are all that matters. Your Kingdom. Your glory. Your gospel. Your Word. Bring my castles to the ground and shatter me. Empty pockets, open hands I stand before You naked of anything I can possess or create.

"How deep the Father's love for us?
How vast beyond all measure?
That He could give His only son
to make a wretch His treasure
.
How great the pain of searing loss.
The Father turns His face away.
As wounds which the marred the Chosen One.
Bring many sons to glory
.
Behold the Man upon a cross,
my sin upon His shoulders.
Ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out amongst the scoffers.

It was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished,
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.

I will not boast in anything,
no gifts no power no wisdom.
But I will boast in Jesus Christ,
his death and resurrection"

Further the Kingdom

2011-01-22T05:27:00.000-08:00

The Holy Spirit is Comfort, our Guide, the very Life of Christ living and breathing in and through us. The Holy Spirit is Power, unconstrained by any physical laws that we operate under. It's fuel is God's love for us, for all of His creation.

The Holy Spirit is wonderful. It is God's presence dwelling inside of us. Can we really understand the magnitude of that? God, our Lord, who is infinitely huge, who is not contained in any physical form (Christ, the Son, is), who knows ALL things (have you ever tried to sit and understand what "knowing all things" REALLY means? Ever try to wrap your mind around that? Mind = blown.), who controls all things, that God sends HIs Spirit to you so that you can be in HIs presence here on earth, before going to heaven. Because your earthly body can't stand the glory of God, if you were to stand in His presence now. Your body would explode or melt or crumble to dust or something else equally, horrifyingly freeing. (The image of that is disturbing to us, because we operate so much on the physical realm and hold the physical world above that of the spiritual. For those of us who are in Christ, losing our physical bodies just means we are in the presence of God...and we can find no greater joy than that!) Isn't it crazy, that God wants us to experience the best that He has to offer, before He can technically offer it? Because offering Himself automatically kills our body. Moses had to hide in a crevice of the mountain and hide his face until God had already passed him, and then catch just a glimpse of the back of God's head...and he was greatly affected by just that little bit! I would guess that God protected Moses in ways he didn't understand, for him to even glimpse that much of God the Father.

Understanding all of this, why do we bury our faces in the physical? Why am I so obsessed with getting that extra hour of sleep or eating my favorite food for dinner? Why do I concentrate all my powers of concentration on weaving through traffic to avoid being late to work or school? Why is nothing ever my fault, it's all the forces of the world working against me?

Don't we know that the physical and the spiritual are seamlessly intertwined? Yet we continue to separate the two in our mind. My quiet time, my prayers, my reading the Bible before bed, all of these things are the spiritual aspects of my life. Maybe even the times I witness to my friends or family. But the rest of my life is mine, as long as I obey the 10 commandments. As long as I'm not lusting, I can watch as much tv as I want. As long as I'm not stealing, I can window-shop for hours. As long as I'm not disobeying my parents, I can hang out with whoever I want.

We don't understand that everything is under God's dominion. The spiritual world is not God's, and the physical the Enemy's. Nay, it is all God's and to exalt His own glory, God allows the Enemy to operate in both worlds for a while. From the healing power we see in miracles, to the food that you eat, God is in control. God does not wait for us to relinquish control, He already has it. What He waits for is our willingness to pull our heads out of our butts, look skyward, and realize that it's not all about us.

Surrender every aspect of our lives. Not just in the quiet times of the morning, when we list off "friends, family, possessions, life". How much time do you spend on the toilet? Did you ever stop to think that God could use that time for His kingdom and yet you eat burritos every day that leave you pooping for hours? Do you take any care in your food or your exercise and understand the spiritual aspects of it? If you are constantly tired and take naps, how are you impacting God's kingdom? How is He able to use you if every time He turns around you are listless or sleeping?

Are you getting it? Everything matters to God! From the decor of your room to the classes you take in college to the texts, emails, phone calls you have with other people to the books you read to the movies you watch.

Ask, in everything, does this glorify Christ and further His kingdom? If the answer is no, or you're not sure, seek the Lord on cutting that out of your life. Because we want nothing to hinder us in our pursuit of Him. We want nothing slowing us down or holding us back. Lose that which so easily entangles, that which you do not even know is entangling you!

Wait on the Lord

2011-01-19T03:45:00.000-08:00

"Whenever God gives a vision to a Christian, it is as if He puts him in the 'shadow of His hand' (Isaiah 49:2). The saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a 'darkness' that comes from too much light - that is the time to listen."
- Oswald.

It's interesting to me how much of the Bible, or maybe just how much I'm reading lately, talks about being still and knowing God. Our culture is so full of quick results, instant gratification, microwave emotions. We've begun to think that is reality. If he doesn't love me now, he never will. If she does not change now, she never will. I told my friend once to stop drinking, I don't know why he hasn't stopped yet. We're so stuck in doing and if the doing is not producing instantaneously, we move on to another doing. Some people try the Christianity thing, give it a go, but because it doesn't miraculously change their lives, they move on.

And those of us who are committed, who are in it for the long haul can still be discouraged. We get in those valleys, those pits of despair and think it will never change. We believe in God but He begins to look smaller and smaller. Our present affliction begins to look bigger and bigger. It is hard to continue in the same thing without seeing results. It is hard to keep loving someone who never changes their hatred towards us. It is hard to resist temptation every morning, day, and night without it ever getting easier. It is hard.

This past year God had me surrender the entire year to learn discipline. A year of perseverance, a year to "be still and know that He is God." It was an amazing year. But it was only a year. Abraham waited 13 years to hear from God. Could I have waited from 21 to 34 for God to speak? Can I be a dedicated follower of Christ, exemplifying Him as much as my brain can grasp for 13 years? Would I love Him more and more everyday? Would I continue to surrender to Him every morning, study His word, seek His face?

Who am I, that I think "giving a year to God" is something phenomenal? Where does this self righteousness come from, that believes I have graciously bestowed my time to the One who created time? My measly year of surrender is nothing compared to Abraham's 13 years, to Zambian Christians who get up at 4am and pray for 3 hours before their workday. Living in my air-conditioned house with my pantry and fridge overflowing with food, I believe I have suffered for Christ, that I have given up a lot.

What a joke.

"

Abraham went through 13 years of silence but in that time all of his self-sufficiency was destroyed."
- Oswald

.

Lord, I think only a fraction of my self-sufficiency was killed this past year. A mere fraction of a fraction. There is still so much of my pride and arrogance left. So much that still demands "Me, Me, Me". You know me, Lord, better than I know myself. Whatever it takes God. Kill my pride. Rid me of myself. Fill me with Your Spirit and Your love and Your grace.

"Do I trust at all in the flesh? Or have I learned to go beyond all confidence in myself and other people of God? Do I trust in books and prayers or other joys in my life? Or have I placed my confidence in God Himself, not in His blessings?"
- Oswald

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.
- Proverbs 3:5-8

With my eyes on God, everything else fades in comparison. Not just fades, but disappears. Firmly planted in Christ, years of silence can not phase me. Firmly planted in Christ, lies and deceits can not trick me. Firmly planted in Christ, oppression can not win over me. Firmly planted in Christ, Satan can not have me.

And so with empty pockets and open hands I stand before the Lord and say "None of self and all of Thee."

Thoughts, Musings, Regrets from 2010

2011-01-04T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's finally 2011. I used to feel that it would never come. I would be stuck in 2010 forever, never finding relief or change. It's a silly sentiment that humans have quite often, even though it is inevitable that a new year come. Time is change, and to think that you are stuck forever in time is to think the impossible. Things must change, always, in a cyclical fashion, with the ebb and flow of time and the hills and valleys of time.

For the majority of 2010, especially the last quarter of it, my attention was always focused on the conclusion of the year and the start of a new one. I would think about life in Austin, starting school once again, my new job, my own room, and having my grandmother in the house. I was waiting and longing for the end of 2010, for my current pain and stress to be over and for the oasis of 2011. But God doesn't ask us to live in the future, He asks us to live in the now because that is all we have. We aren't promised tomorrow.

It wasn't until the last week of 2010 that I began to reflect over the year. I was too busy up until that point to think of anything other than survival. Or rather, I believed myself too busy. It was in reflection that I began to see opportunities lost, hundreds of them. Maybe even thousands. Friendships that could have been developed, friendships that should have been started. Sacrifices that would have broadened His Kingdom. Times I should have spoken up and times I should have shut up.

You asked for my year Lord. I gave it to You. You told me to stay at my job until the end of the year and I obeyed. But that is all I did Lord. I failed to see why You told me to stay there. I failed to use the time You gave me. I failed to use the resources You put right in my hand. Instead of giving my all to what You told me to do, I sucked what I could from the people around me.

I obeyed, but what do I have to show for it? I survived, but what is the point of that? Were any souls won for the Kingdom? Were any lives changed? Saved? Lord, I can't even say that I grew in my personal walk with You, since I put it aside while I worried about surviving. If only I could have seen that with You, I not only survive but thrive. If I had just dismissed the lies in my head and had sought Your face, my end of the year report would have been vastly different. Just a little under Your power is mountains greater than 100% under my own power.

So I start this year with bitter sweet regrets. I rejoice in my time, in the new things to come and yet I am sick over the year wasted. Lord, may this failure be burned into my mind. Never let me forget the many opportunities lost because of my own selfishness. Lord, I pray that You would have mercy on those I never witnessed to. Send them other servants who are more obedient than I. Soften their hearts and prepare them for receiving Yourself. I pray that my failure would not condemn them for hell. I pray that those I have hurt would forgive me for the wrongs I've done. Lord, make my consequences great and my burden heavy for I never want to make this mistake again. I would lose everything Lord, if only to serve You better.

Demons

2010-12-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have anger issues. A demon that hides for days at a time and rips through my chest when least expected. An anti-Sarah that lurks in the recesses of myself, poking her head out now and then.

Sometimes I can control it, her, them. Other times, I can't. No one knows this better than my family. My parents have seen me lose all control, throwing chairs and slamming doors. My sisters have seen my face contort in rage and felt my fists.

Self righteous anger. Rage fueled by my own morals and ethics.

You shouldn't be doing that.

You won't stop unless I make you.

The only way to stop you is beat it out of you.

How long before that last phrase becomes "kill you"?

The real Sarah, the one of Spirit and not flesh, cries for the pain she inflicts. She wants to protect and heal, not hurt and injure. Her dream is to fight against those that beat down the helpless, to reign victorious over the dictators and oppressors of the world.

It isn't enough. It isn't enough to hope and wish and dream. Only action makes a difference. Only movement changes things. But action devoid of dreams, devoid of hope is destructive. Impulsiveness, lashing out, all this does is tear down. It never builds up.

How can I apologize? How can I make amends? How can I be forgiven, when the demons inside of me strike again? They strike because I let them. They are there because I harbor them. I protect them. I feel stronger, safer with them. No one can touch me, no one can hurt me.

I'm just flesh and bones after all. What am I? Flesh that melts, bones that dry, crack, and fall into dust. Skin that breaks, rips, veins that bleed, organs that burst. One wrong move, and it's all done. One small glitch and the whole computer shuts down. Such a great balance, tipped one way and it's all over. Only He keeps that balance. Only He controls it. Only He maintains it.

So what am I? Just a creation. A creation no different than any other. A sinful, disgusting creature full of malice, lust, pride, and folly.

Yet this I recall to mind and therefore I have hope.

You died Lord.

Assuredly, like the coming of the dawn the Father's love song goes,

drowning out my bitter song and breaking through walls and barriers,

Christ swoops in,

removes sin,

picks up His bride and carries her so I can sing in agreement with the King this thing.

'There's only one thing that please the Father,

the God-man on the tree in the midst of the scoffers.

Now I finally see that Christ is what Christ offers,

and I'm finally free in the love of the Father'.

Matthew 1

2010-11-08T09:08:00.000-08:00

It is interesting to me that Matthew starts off his book with the genealogy of Abraham to Joseph, Jesus' father. But Joseph isn't literally Jesus' father, Joseph is the adopted father. Because Mary was with child from the Holy Spirit, not from Joseph. None of Joseph's DNA was a part of Jesus. so I don't know why it matters that Joseph is a descendant of Abraham and David. Because that lineage stops at Joseph and doesn't continue to Jesus.

Joseph really is a class act. There couldn't have been a better man chosen to marry Mary (saying that out loud sounds funny). That's how they did marriages back then, the parents chose their son to marry another set of parents daughter. So these parents, Joseph's and Mary's, met together, probably several times. They discussed who their son/daughter was, the character and skills and mannerisms. The offer is made, would you allow your daughter to marry our son? Mary's parents have thought about it a lot and have come to the decision that, yes, Joseph would be a fine choice for their daughter.

So after all this deliberation, the parents are pleased with the match and are busy with the final preparations, all of a sudden Mary seems to have gained a lot of weight. And soon it is obvious that she is pregnant. Her parents must have given her a lip-lashing, grilling her on who the other man was and how could she shame her family like this. How do you tell your parents that you're still a virgin, in fact you are pregnant with the Saviour of the world? Even if Mary did tell her parents that, you know what her parents were probably thinking? The Son of God would never come in such a disgraceful manner. He wouldn't be born to a sinful girl like you. Everything Mary has ever done wrong would immediately scroll through her parents brains and while they love their daughter and believe her to be a great girl, suddenly they would remember every sin she committed. And it would just be impossible.

Mary's friends, what would they think? I imagine she would have at least one friend that would remain true. She'd accept Mary, even though she thinks she committed adultery. She may beg Mary to reveal who the secret lover is, and be put out when Mary continues to insist that there is no other man. Mary's friend would think that Mary is holding out on her, lying to her face. Trust would be gone, and eventually the friendship would dissolve. Mary would be all alone, no peers who believe or respect her anymore. She was probably shunned from her community and her family would be intent on hiding her away, hoping that everyone would forget her sin and shame wouldn't befall the whole family.

Joseph had to be crushed as well. His parents had told him about Mary. Maybe they had met at this point, maybe they hadn't. But he knew about her. He knew her sweetness, her loving kindness, he heard how others who knew her described her. He agreed with his parents that she was a wonderful choice. He was fully prepared to open his arms to her, to draw her into his life, to love her as God loved him. And then it comes out...she's pregnant.

Anger. Shame. Frustration. Disbelief.

How could she? Joseph would feel cut to the core. Betrayed. Who was this other man? Why was he so much better, that Mary had to have him instead of Joseph? Who was this man, that would take another man's future wife? Joseph had attached himself to Mary, in front of the whole community, and she went and embarrassed him to the very center of his being. How could he love such a woman? How could he have sex, have children, make love to a woman who had been held, kissed, who was having another man's baby? How could Joseph look into the eyes of this woman and believe anything she told him? How could he see another man's child every day and not resent him?

Even with all these emotions running through him, Joseph decides to divorce Mary. The most gracious thing he could do. Instead of demanding her death, instead of pursuing his rights as a man betrayed, he has mercy on Mary and decides to spare her any more humiliation by just breaking off the marriage.

In the middle of all this pain, suffering, confusion, drama, hurt, betrayal, lies, etc...in the middle of all this, Christ is born. In this seemingly torn story, God brings redemption. God comes to Joseph and to Mary and says "I am here. I am real. Trust my story."

Trust in the Lord

2010-10-13T09:03:00.000-07:00

When it comes right down to it, trusting God is my biggest weakness. In fact, at times it is my biggest rebellion. "No God, I don't want you to do anything. I want to be the one to fix things. I want to take the credit. I want the satisfaction of doing it. I want to bring myself the glory, not You. Just leave me alone."

I can't get away from Proverbs 3:5-8.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, turn away from evil. It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. With ALL your heart. With all your heart. Your heart is the metaphor for your emotions, for your feelings. It's kind of the center point of who you are. The Bible says our hearts are desperately wicked, who can know it? Our heart is what we love with, what we mourn with, what we rejoice with. So whatever heart you have, sad or happy, despairing or in love, trust God using it. And not just a part of it, all of it. You should hold nothing back. Your heart shouldn't be trusting in anyone else or in yourself. It's all or nothing baby.

Lean not on your own understanding. Your understanding of anything is limited and sinful. You can't get around that. Your perspective is skewed, your ideas are faulty. You are not an all-powerful God and so your understanding will never be sufficient. The only person with complete understanding of who you are, where you are, what you are doing, and where you are going is God. Which is why He calls for all of our trust, not some of it. Not part of it. Not most of it. All of it.

In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make straight your paths. This is the promise God gives us. If we trust Him with all our hearts, not leaning on our own understanding or anyone else's understanding, He is faithful to make straight our paths. If our trust is in Christ alone, everything we do will bring glory to Him, will bring the focus to Him, and in that moment we are one with Christ. When we are one with Christ, He can lead us most effectively and instead of chasing us down every 5 minutes, creating a windy, convoluted path He leads us down a straight path.

Be not wise in your own eyes. This may be the hardest for me. I have a very high opinion of my own intelligence, and am furious when someone questions it. Which is very embarrassing to have to admit. You can find my worst side by just joking about my stupidity or ignorance and even I won't know what words will come flying out of my mouth. I put so much of my self worth on my intelligence, something that I attribute to my own efforts to grow it, that if someone doesn't think I'm smart, I'm either mortified or enraged. Depending on the situation.

I'm not smart. In case you were wondering. Any intelligence I have is by the grace of God, that He taught me something and allowed me to remember it. I can read because God gave me the ability and my mother taught me when I was little. I have a love for reading because my mom read to me so much as a kid. And any thirst for information or knowledge I have is directly fueled by the Holy Spirit.

There is nothing in me that is worthy of praise. There is nothing in me that can do anything. I am completely incapable of creating, of even simply functioning. Any good and perfect thing that you see in relation to me is directly because of my Great and Holy Father. It is He that you see, not me.

Fear the Lord, turn away from evil. I love this little sentence because I feel like it's an answer to every question or plea or complaint I ever send heavenwards.

"Lord, I can't deal with the way he talks to me. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to explode" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God I'm tired, and I'm grumpy. I don't want to talk to people. Why is everyone so stupid?" "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

"God, I simply do not want to do what You told me." "Fear the Lord, turn away from evil."

I can't fear the Lord if I am wise in my own eyes. Fear for the Lord, healthy and reverent fear, means that I have a very accurate understanding of myself and of God and of the two of us in relation to one another. I can see just how small and humble I am compared to the Lord of the Universe. Be not wise in your own eyes, then fear the Lord and finally turn away from evil. You can't turn away from evil if you do not fear the Lord and you can't fear the Lord if you think yourself wise. Step 1, step 2, step 3. Do not pass Go, do not collect 200 dollars.

And God promises that we will have healing to our flesh and refreshment to our bones. We are hurting and it runs deep, all the way to our bones. We may not know it but that is why we try to do things in our own strength. That is why we are reluctant to give the reins over to God, to trust Him or anybody else. Because we instinctively know that there is something wrong and we need to be fixed but for whatever reason we think we can fix it ourselves.

Thanks be to God that He is faithful to us when we let go. He doesn't ask us to give Him control, to trust Him with everything we have only to be told to "get over it". Once we go through those steps, that may not make sense to us and are probably very hard and maybe even painful to do, once we have done those things He is able to give us what we always wanted anyways. He restores us to a level we didn't know existed, He fills the holes we didn't know where there. He takes our pain and goes to the source of it.

He doesn't treat our symptoms as we have tried to do but rather eradicates the disease in us.

Psalm 107: Prisoners

2010-09-24T06:48:00.000-07:00

Continuing in Psalm 107, let's look at the next group of people. The prisoners.

"Some sat in darkness and in the shadow of death, prisoners in affliction and in irons, for they rebelled against the words of God and spurned the counsel of the Most High."
- Psalm 107: 10-11

Prisoners of their own choosing. Not someone who was forced into slavery, but rather someone who chased after those things which are addictive, destructive, and life-sucking specifically to fill a need, a desire, a void that only God alone can fill. Or maybe just to run away from God. It says "they rebelled against the word of God", so whatever the reasoning is they have done the opposite of what the Gospel calls us to do, which is to "pick up your cross and follow Him".

What they are chasing is evil, wrapped in darkness and death. They are completely and totally encased in this sin, chains and irons holding them down. They chased alcohol, drugs, sex, fame, fortune, or maybe all of the aforementioned and instead of making them happier, prettier, more desirable, loved, accepted, powerful it has stripped them of everything they have. Any freedom they think they have is fake, lackluster, painted on. They are locked down with no way to free themselves.

Thank God, He allows us to see the situation we are in. Thank God, He opens our eyes.

"So He bowed their hearts down with hard labor; they fell down, with none to help."
- Psalm 107:12

How do you wake someone up to the prison they live in? How do you snap someone out of a psychotic break? How do you make them realize that this life they live is completely broken and enchained?

You weigh their hearts down and separate them from all friends, family, and kind strangers. You make them fall on their face, tangled up in chains with no way to get up. And then, when they can taste the bile and filth of their prison and all they can see is the rough concrete floor underneath them, only then can they finally release their pride and stop pretending that they are in control. Then is when they admit "I've got mhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=106784583541308202yself in a huge mess and I have no hope of getting out."

God is not a cruel God to put people through something like this. In reality, He didn't put them in chains. We are very good at doing that all on our own, the one thing we can do without Christ's help. This added weight that God puts on these prisoners, this unbearable burden that throws them on their face and immobilizes them is an example of God's grace, not wrath.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and burst their bonds apart."
- Psalm 107:13-14

Without being broken, these prisoners would never surrender. They would continue to live life as if they weren't chained in irons. God had to break through that fog of pretending and make believe to show them "You need to be rescued" and then had to convince them that they can't rescue themselves, that only God can come in and save them.

God is brought the glory through our brokenness. We are designed, I think, to have to reach the outermost limits of our abilities, to fall on our face, to try and then fail so that God can rescue us. So that God can be brought the glory. So that God can glorify Himself and God allows us the ability to join in the party and glorify Him as well. So that everyone can see that God is Lord over everything, because it was obvious there was no getting out on my own. It was obvious that someone much greater and more powerful had to come in and save me.

Aren't those the most amazing stories? When someone is wrapped up in meaningless sex, living with drug and alcohol addiction, pursuing empty fame and worthless money...isn't it amazing when we see these people hit rock bottom, lose everything, on the brink of suicide or death in some other fashion. When there is no hope left and we expect them to just die, God reaches down and opens their eyes. And they look up and see the face of God and suddenly their hearts are changed from stone to flesh. They are broken by their sin and desperately just want to be near to God. And so God, who cannot do anything but love perfectly and wholly, reaches down, breaks those chains of addiction, and pulls us out of our prison we constructed for ourselves.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man! For He shatters the doors of bronze and cuts in two the bars of iron."
- Psalm 107:15-16

"Let the redeemed of the Lord say so"

Psalms 107: Homeless

2010-09-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

Last week I met with my friend Kresta and she introduced this passage to me. I don't remember ever reading it before, although that doesn't mean I haven't. For whatever reason, when we read through it at Roots it completely grabbed my attention. In the days since, God has pulled me from the Acts study that I was in the middle of and pointed me toward this scripture again and again. He has opened the passage up to me and seems to be teaching me things through it.

So I thought I would post what I'm learning from it, since it helps solidify it in my heart and mind.

"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! Let the redeemed of the Lord say so, whom He has redeemed from trouble and gathered in from the lands, from the east and from the west, from the north and from the south."
- Psalm 107:1-3

The redeemed are called to proclaim that "He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever" and to give thanks to the Lord. "Let the redeemed of the Lord say so."

Who are the redeemed? Later in the passage it talks about 4 different groups of people who are redeemed, but let's look at the word "redeem" first to get a general picture of it.

re·deem

verb (used with object)

1. to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.

2. to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.

3. to recover (something pledged or mortgaged) by payment or other satisfaction: to redeem a pawned watch.

4. to exchange (bonds, trading stamps, etc.) for money or goods.

5. to convert (paper money) into specie.

6. to discharge or fulfill (a pledge, promise, etc.).

7. to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): His bravery redeemed his youthful idleness.

8. to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.

9. Theology . to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.

God buys us back from the slavery of sin. God recovers us from the pit we find ourselves in. God fulfills His promise to us. God restores and releases us. God delivers us from our sin and the consequences of it.

How did He redeem us?

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. "
- John 1:14

Christ is our redemption.

Alright let's look at the 4 different types of people that have been redeemed.

Homeless
Prisoners
Sinners
Workers

"Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in; hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them."
- PSalm 107:4-5

These people are homeless, having no home or "city to dwell in". Because they don't have a home, a center to their lives, a place from which to base their work and operations and relationships out of, they are hungry and thirsty. They are without hope, "their soul fainted within them." They live in desert wastes that they can't find their way out of and are on the brink of death, at the end of their rope, with no other options in front of them but to die.

"Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress."
- Psalm 107:6

A miracle happens. The homeless recognize their plight, that they have no way out and no options before them and they cry out to God. How amazing is it that God hears us everytime we call to Him? And how beautiful that He would deliver us from our distress.

Have you ever thought about the times of despair in your life? It's these times in our lives that I believe we finally see our need for God and for rescue. When we realize we can't do it ourselves. It's when we've completely exhausted our abilities and resources for our own gain that we can look up and understand that Christ is the fulfillment of everything we need. I think these times are essential to our growth and maturity as Christians. Otherwise, how will we ever know? If we are not completely exhausted through our own efforts, how can we understand God's grace and mercy that He would come and fix our messes? If we surrendered to God's will before we've reached the end of our proverbial rope, won't we always think in the back of our minds "I could do it by myself if I wished. I could accomplish my goal". We must kill that idea in our heads. We must put to death anything in our spirit that says "I can" instead of "He can". It can no longer be about our ability or our giftings or our resources or our glory, but about Him. About the Holy Trinity and about bringing Them the glory.

God is most glorified in our failings, when He swoops in at the very edge of despair and restores and rescues and rightens us.

"He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in."
- Psalm 107:7

A straight way. A straight shot. Easy peasy. I think this is to show just how lost and incapable we are of taking care of ourselves. It's like we're children in an exceptionally large sandbox that get turned around and sit down and start crying because we think we're stuck forever, and God the parent hears us crying and stands us up and points to the left, where the exit is. The exit that was right in front of us the whole time, but we freaked out and couldn't see it. Or falling into the water and freaking out, screaming that we're drowning, only for God to gently touch us on the shoulder and say "stand up. the water' is only a foot deep." You feel silly don't you? Embarrassed probably. But again, aren't these times necessary for us? Don't we need to see how great He is and how small we are? Isn't it healthy to understand you're shortcomings and that Christ fills those shortcomings? It's ok that we're a little crazy and get lost easily, because Christ loves to rescue us. God loves it when we call on His name. He loves to swoop in and rescue us, point us in the right direction. Because it all brings Him the glory.

He loves to bring us home.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For He satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul He fills with good things."
-Psalm 107:8-9

Ah, this passage isn't talking merely about those who are physically hungry or thirsty. Not just those we are actually lost in a desert and can't find the city. Those whose "soul faints within" them. How great is our God, that He satisfies our souls! Our souls ache and moan, they desire to be fed and to be satisfied and our minds can't understand them. We don't know what we need, we don't know what we desire, and so we wander around aimlessly, chase after things without knowing why. And when we find that we can't satisfy our own souls, we can't ease the pain we feel deep inside, God comes in, because He loves us, and satisfies that which we can't express in words.

The result of this satisfaction? Love. Love pours out of our hearts unbidden for this great and awesome God that would come down out of heaven to live and die on earth just so He can rescue us and we can have this intimate encounter and life spent worshiping and bringing glory to Him.

"Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love"

Temptation

2010-09-18T08:19:00.000-07:00

Temptation itself is not a sin; it is something we are bound to face simply by virtue of being human
- Oswald Chambers

Our lives are filled with temptations. They are all around us. You can't drive or go anywhere in America without temptation staring you in the face. You can't even escape it in the privacy of your home. It's there, no matter what you do, and you can always expect it to come around again after you have defeated it the first, second, or third time.

Yet many of us suffer from temptations we should never have to suffer, simply because we refused to allow God to lift us to a higher level where we would face temptations of another kind.
- Oswald Chambers

Before I became a Christian, the temptations I faced were all the things the Bible tells you not to do. All the things you would put on a list of "Sins". Temptation for drugs, for alcohol, for sex, for lying, for cheating, for murder, for stealing. These are the things I battled against every day, that sometimes so filled my mind and my heart that it seemed I was suffocating.

After becoming a Christian, the temptations are quite different. I'm no longer tempted to steal, because I have no desire to do so. Temptations for drugs and alcohol and sex are silly, because there is no inclination in me towards them. As long as I follow Christ, my mind and soul centered on Him, He fills all my needs and I find that my spirit matches His Spirit and finds no joy or satisfaction in sin anymore.

Satan does not tempt us just to make us do wrong things - he tempts us to make us lose what God has put into us through regeneration, namely, the possibility of being of use to God. He does not come to us on the premise of tempting us to sin, but on the premise of shifting our point of view, and only the Spirit of God can detect this as a temptation of the devil.
- Oswald Chambers

And so I learn that just because Satan can not pull me with the chains of sin anymore, because I have been set free, he will try just simply to distract me. All it takes is to get me seeking something good instead of seeking the kingdom. All Satan has to do is convince me that seeking a degree should be my focus, not the kingdom. That seeking to minister to people God has put in my life should be my focus, not the kingdom.

Seek ye first the kingdom.

God, Satans tricks are harder to discern now. It's no longer a matter of things I did or didn't do but now things of the mind Lord. "Take every thought captive" has never seemed so real or so necessary in my life. Give me ears to hear and eyes to see, that I may have the self awareness to discern thoughts of my own that are folly and thoughts that are not from me or from You. Give me Christ awareness God that would fill my mind and trump any other inclinations in my spirit. Command me Lord and then give me what You command that I may obey in all instances, at all costs.

The most important question

2010-09-02T05:15:00.000-07:00

The best indicator of my surrender, dedication, and obedience to Christ is asking myself one question...

If I were to lose it all, would I still praise Him?

Most of the time I start reviewing all that I could lose.

If I lost my job, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my friends, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my family, would I still praise Him?

If I lost my house, would I still praise Him?

If I was left with nothing, naked on the street, would I still praise Him? Would I still be filled with the fruits of the Spirit? Would I still surrender to His will and say "You are all I need"?

His purpose is not the development of a person - His purpose is to make a person exactly like Himself, and the Son of God is characterized by self-expenditure. If we believe in Jesus, it is not what we gain but what He pours through us that really counts.
- Oswald Chambers

Asking myself these questions will quickly make me realize what I'm holding onto instead of Jesus. What I am trying to control instead of letting Him guide. Where I am refusing to surrender.

Almost everytime the result is instant surrender, dropping whatever I was gripping, repentance for taking what wasn't mine, and joy that Christ saved me myself.

My desire is to be completely surrendered. My goal is to be so filled with the Holy Spirit that it cannot be hidden, that Christ shines through so much that I disappear. My desire is to be like Stephen, that in every circumstance the Holy Spirit is in control and not I, and that I would be so filled with Christ's love that I could pray for mercy for my murderers as they kill me. I want to be so strong in my Jesus that I can say what Polycarp said

"Leave me as I am. For he who grants me to endure the fire will enable me also to remain on the pyre unmoved, without the security you desire from nails."

Lord, please take from my life what I don't need. Take even what I need, Lord, so that I am completely and totally dependent on You. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit and continue to wash me clean of everything that is offensive to You. Give me the desire to seek You, to be closer to You, to love You more. Teach me to fight sin in my life and to boldly preach the gospel.

My King, My Husband

2010-08-31T17:51:00.000-07:00

I preface this entire post with this...I did not, repeat did not finish the movie Tristan and Isolde. So my observations and thoughts provoked since watching the first parts of the movie are not based on the ending...which I know nothing about.

So on to my post.

I watched Tristan and Isolde for the first time last night. And by watched, I mean I got angry and turned it off. It's supposed to be a love story right? Supposed to be romantic right?

It's full of lust and selfishness. Full of desire and wants and pleasures, thoughts of what one deserves. The main thought I had about it was "I deserve to be happy, so I have the right to pursue it."

Not love. Not love at all. Love is patient. Tristan and Isolde were impatient for the next time they would see each other, for the next stolen moment, for the next passionate encounter. Love is kind. Tristan was not kind in his words to Isolde, claiming that she enjoyed her marriage to the king rather than pining for him. Isolde was not kind in that she continued to pull on him and his heart, to try and make him forsake everything to "love" her. Love does not envy. Tristan was extremely envious of Isolde and the king. Love is not proud. Tristan and Isolde were consumed with pride, thinking themselves far above the social implications of their affair. Considering their love pure and right and good while the king's love for Isolde meant nothing. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. Tristan and Isolde kept their "love" in hiding, meeting each other in secret. Sin grows in darkness and pales in light.

My idea of a correct way to handle the horrible dilemma that Tristan and Isolde found themselves in is this. Tristan is tormented by the fact that he has to give his love in marriage to his king and adopted father. He should have been completely honest with the king from the beginning, when he arrived. He should have taken the king aside and brought him into his confidence. He should have respected his king that much, instead of hiding his feelings and pain inside. His king was a good king. He would have received his son in love, listened to what he said, and come up with a wise way to handle the situation.

There's a whole list of things that happened in that movie that I think were handled completely the wrong way. But we won't get into all of that. I will say, however, that this is the crap that girls and women buy into all over the world, that Tristan and Isolde "love" each other and that they are entitled to the same "love" and should pursue it no matter what anyone tells them or what their obligations are.

On to my point.

I started thinking about how I would handle things if I was in Isolde's place. What if I found myself being married to someone I didn't know, while being in love with another man? The temptation to hold on to the man I love would be intense, and my stranger husband would seem that much more strange. In fact, I would ignore my husband as much as possible and just wait for the time when I could be with my lover.

Isn't that just like my relationship with my King? Isn't He my Husband? And before I knew Him, didn't I have many many lovers? And don't I find that I still long for the passionate embraces of those lovers, rather than for the loving arms of my Husband and my King?

Isolde didn't know what she had in her husband. She couldn't see that this man loved her for who she is. That he would do anything to make her happy, that he longed to be involved in her life, to be let into her thoughts and her world. And don't forget that he was the KING.

And aren't I exactly the same? Don't I forget who my King and Husband is all the time? I long for romance and He pursued me for 20 years. I long for companionship and He never leaves me. I long for someone to take care of me and He has never let me go hungry. I long for peace and He brings rest to my soul.

How evil is my heart and how desperate are its ways.

I ignore my Husband and King and focus on the time when I can meet with one of my lovers. I stop being a wife, I don't talk to Him, I don't love Him, I don't do things for Him. I sit in our house, surrounded by dirty dished and laundry, everything covered in dust while He lavishes me with gifts of the most expensive and rare kind and all I do is keep my eyes peeled to the window, for my lover to give me the signal to come out and meet him.

God is Love. Love stays with me no matter what I do. Love not only puts up with me, Love wants me to love back. Love wants me to turn away from my lovers and find real Love. Love never fails.

Today vs. The Early Church

2010-08-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

I've been reading through Acts and I can't help but compare the early church with today's church. Or rather, with churches I grew up in. Churches I've attended or visited. Churches I've heard about. Churches I've heard complained about. Churches I've heard praised about.

What about the early church is so different? Why doesn't the current church seem to have the same power as the early church? Why is it the current church seems to struggle to keep believers coming? Should we strive to look more like the early church, or has the church changed because times have changed? Is the early church outdated and superfluous?

I see one big difference between the early church and today. The Holy Spirit. Maybe I just grew up in a Baptist church, but I never remember the Holy Spirit being taught in Sunday School, preached from the pulpit, or even referred to. Like the black sheep, awkward mystical 2nd cousin of the family of God, it seems easier to ignore and carry on life with the much easier to understand and containable God and Jesus Christ ( how ironic). Take no notice of the Holy Spirit behind the curtain.

The Holy Spirit is power. That is made evident throughout the Bible.

Then the Spirit of the LORD rushed upon him, and although he had nothing in his hand, he tore the lion in pieces as one tears a young goat. But he did not tell his father or his mother what he had done.
-Judges 14:6

The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.
-Genesis 1:2

But as he considered these things, behold, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, "Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit
-Matthew 1:20

"I baptize you with water for repentance, but he who is coming after me is mightier than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.
-Matthew 3:11

But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon you and you will be my witness in Jerusalem, in all Judea, in Samaria and to the end of the earth.
- Acts 1:8

I think the thing churches today are missing is boldness, boldness from the power of the Holy Spirit, made available to us through Christ, from the Father.

When was the last time you saw the Holy Spirit fill a church after prayer and lead the believers to do something crazy for His kingdom?

When was the last time people in your church sold their possessions and gave the proceeds to the church to be distributed to the needs of the believers?

How many needy, struggling, hurting people do you see in your church? Or do you think that there are none?

How many of those people do you see yourself or fellow believers selflessly reaching out to?

That’s the Holy Spirit y’all.

The Holy Spirit moves us. When we have the Holy Spirit inside us, we can’t help but move out, we can’t help but witness, we can’t help but boldly proclaim the gospel.

We’re so quick to judge street evangelists. I think we might even hate them. We say they misrepresent us, they preach fire and brimstone instead of love and acceptance. We say that God is love and so these people are leading the masses away from Christ and towards a false god.

Let’s be honest. We condemn what we do not understand. We have never been that bold. We have never put ourselves up in front of hundreds of people we don’t know and loudly proclaimed who we trust in, who we love, who our devotion is towards. We condemn street evangelists because we don’t have an accurate understanding of the gospel ourselves.

Because the gospel calls us to repent. The gospel tells us that we killed Jesus. The gospel tells us that we are broken and evil and weak without Christ to save us, without God to guide us, without the Spirit to fill us. The gospel tells us to turn from our sin, to repent, and to fully surrender and obey God. The gospel tells us to willfully accept slavery to God. To become nothing so that He becomes everything. To obey without question, without complaint, without understanding.

We preach love and acceptance because it’s easy. It’s easier to tell someone “God loves you” than it is to tell them “You are evil.” It’s easier to tell people that as long as they love God, everything will be ok than to tell them “you can’t love God, you can’t love people, you can’t even control whether you live or die”. It’s easier to pretend than it is to deal with the truth.

Where is our boldness? Why do we hide?

Church, rise up! You are the bride of Christ and yet you diminish His power. You pretend like He’s your little pocket Jesus. You ignore Him until your weekly visit on Sunday. It’s all about you and your comfort and your entertainment and your personal success and it is NOTHING about His kingdom, His glory, His call on your life.

Because He’s calling you. He’s yelling for you. He’s screaming for you. He’s whispering in your ear.

And you drive to work every morning. You swing by Starbucks on your break. You go home and watch tv. You eat dinner with friends or family. You go out on the weekend. You plan vacations and trips. You pay bills. You attend church services.

And Christ has nothing to do with any of it. The Holy Spirit isn’t invading your life. The Lord your God is a passing thought to you.

Wake up Church.

Snap out of it.

Unplug your programming.

Surrender your robot lifestyle.

Let’s speak with boldness the gospel.

Cry Out

2010-08-26T08:47:00.000-07:00

"It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life."
- John 6:63

Life can suck. Life can suck bad. But something I'm starting to realize, or something that God is making known to me, is that life really doesn't suck.

I'm just filling my life and my heart and my mind with things that tear me apart.

I'm learning that life in the Spirit is real life and life in the flesh is shallow, it's paperthin, it rips and tears and disintegrates at the merest disturbance.

Life in the Spirit takes everything in stride, is filled with the peace of God, and is able to minister and love people despite the chaos surrounding it.

Life in the flesh is broken by everything, is filled with worry and strife and despair, and can't focus on anything but it's own pain.

True inner peace is impossible unless it is receved from Jesus.
- Oswald Chambers

Reflecting His peace is proof that you are right with God, because you are exhibiting the freedom to turn your mind to Him. If you are not right with God, you can never turn your mind anywhere but on yourself.
- Oswald Chambers

When a person confers with Jesus Christ, the confusion stops, because there is no confusion in Him.
- Oswald Chambers

Thank You for Your mercy, to shake my world and show me where my allegiance, where my trust lay. Thank You that You can't let me flail around on my own strength, that You want me trusting in You and following You and filled with Your peace. Thank You that You aren't content with me running around doing my own thing, that You push me to bring You glory

Desperate

2010-08-25T05:13:00.000-07:00

It's coming for you. You know it's there. It never leaves. When you wake up, as soon as those chemicals around your brain recede and allow your consciousness to enter the real world, exiting the dream world, it's sitting waiting to pounce.

It wants your soul. It wants your heart. It wants to devour you. It's waiting and waiting and waiting for you to succumb just one fraction of a centimeter.

You're worthless.

You're ugly.

No one wants you.

It doesn't care what your plans are. It doesn't care that you have to go to work today. It doesn't care that you have to see people all day.

It's reduced you to a miserable puddle of tears. Your cries rise louder and louder and doesn't seem to be heard by anyone.

You're sleeping with your teddy bear again. Wrapped so tightly around him that you're glad he doesn't have respiratory system because he wouldn't be breathing if he did. You're holding onto him as tightly as you can, maybe trying to squeeze the pain out. Maybe trying to forget. Maybe just holding on to sanity as hard as you can.

The pain is a dark hole that you teeter on the edge of constantly. All it takes is one little push, and you're consumed.

Lord, I thought I trusted You. I thought I was embracing Your plans. I know You told me not to but God I didn't know it would hurt this much. I didn't know I would feel this far from You. I didn't know that it would be waiting to get me, that it would chase me down, that it would attack every single part of me.

Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Lord I'm so desperate. I feel like I'm falling apart. I can't withstand it. I can't fight it. Lord I have no defeneses. I'm a 3 year old girl clinging desperately to her teddy bear, eyes squeezed shut, just praying that the demons will go away.

I know You have plans for my life. I know that these plans are to prosper me and not to harm me. I know these plans give me a future. I know that You are brought the glory when I follow the lead You give me. I know that there is pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning. God, where is the morning? Bring it soon Lord. Send your angels to protect me from attack Lord, because I am succumbing. I am being defeated.

This is the Alamo and the enemy is storming in.

Lord help me.

Baptism

2010-08-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I'll be getting baptized by Kyle Raney, pastor of Portico, the church plant I have been a part of the past several months. I've invited friends and family because this is a huge moment for me and I want to share it with everyone who has ever made an impact in my life.

Those who have known me a while are probably aware that I've been baptized before...a lot, actually. I've lost count of how many times I've walked down the aisle. How many times I felt emotional during a sermon and responded to "the call". How many times I've sat down with a "counselor" to talk about the decision I just made.

It has been a very long road to salvation for me. 20 years long. When I was real small, about 4 years old, I remember laying in my bed during a thunder storm and being scared. But then I heard God speak to me and comfort me and I wasn't afraid anymore. I remember being in awe, certain in my heart for the first time that God is real and He is powerful.

For years and years I pointed to that as my salvation point. All those times when you have to give your testimony, to prove your a Christian in order to participate in mission projects and such, this is always the story I gave.

I spent my life from 4 years old all the way through high school living a lie. A lie that I myself believed. My salvation was works-based. I didn't have an understanding of the gospel. My God was not personal, was not with me in everything. I did everything my way, not His way. Satan had me all wrapped up in His lies and my own lies. Reality was skewed, desperately so. I had so many verses memorized, but none of them pierced the darkness I lived in.

Sin was so prevalent. I worshiped it, although I wasn't aware of it. I can remember specific times when I told Satan that if he could give me what I wanted, I would follow him instead of God.

He always gave me what I wanted, and cut me down with more despair than I could handle.

Satan had me completely going the opposite direction of God, although from the outside it looked like I was your typical good little Christian girl. I was at all the church events. I knew all the right things to say. I knew all the right things to do. I thought I was a Christian.

But I was so broken. I was so enslaved inside my own head. I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. I was going to drown.

Fast forward to college. God got me away from everything I knew, friends, family, church etc. That is when I finally began to realize that the way I had been living wasn't reality. God began to talk to my heart and my head, revealing small lies that I had believed for so long. I started to see that God isn't distant, He's right here with me.

I started to learn the Gospel. I started to feel God's pull on my heart and on my life. I still did what I wanted, and prolonged the process, but God never let me go. He just quietly broke me until I couldn't run anymore.

September 28th. The longing in my heart grew too huge. I couldn't stand it anymore, I needed Christ. I needed God. I couldn't go on living without Him.

Some friends had seen my desire for Christ and had been ministering to me the weeks leading up to September 28th. They answered questions I had about the Holy Spirit and challenged me to not be afraid, but ask for the Holy Spirit to come. I still thought I was a Christian and so did they. We thought this was simply a call for the Holy Spirit to fall down.

How can you know the subconscious desires of your heart? When I prayed, all of a sudden I thought I would suffocate because I stopped breathing. My desire for God, for Christ, to sit at His feet, to fall down before Him, to worship Him before the world grew so great that it overwhelmed me. I had been suppressing it with the lies I had believed for so long.

I prayed and prayed and cried and prayed and cried. I was so lost in my despair over my lost life, over my sin, over my inability to save myself, and so desperate for Christ that I don't remember what I did during that time, whether it was a few minutes or hours. Mama Jo, who was with me, told me later that I fell to the ground like I was dead. She said she didn't know whether to leave me alone or make sure I was ok. (I think that's funny btw, ha-larious).

Since that point, Christ has been teaching me how to fall in love with Him. I finally understand the gospel and have a burning desire to share it with people. God has finally become THE focus of my life and I am finally fully surrendered to Him.

Recently God whispered to my heart about baptism. I have shied away from the topic, since I've been baptized a bazillion times and its kind of embarrassing for me. But this time it is right. This time it's a public testimony to everyone of 20 years of running and God finally chasing me down.

I hope you can make it.

Blue Screen of Death

2010-08-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

When the Son of God prays, He is mindful and consciously aware of only His Father.
- Oswald Chambers

I'm not always aware of my Father. We are called to pray continuously, so I'm assuming that also means being consciously aware of God too. I wish I was. But there's so much rattling around in my brain. Things to do. Memories. Wishes. Hopes. Dreams. Stresses. Pictures. Videos. Movies. Facebook. Books. Philosophies. Patterns of thinking. Plans. And then plain old subconscious riff raff that pops in every now and then.

Maybe I'm the only one who feels crazy sometimes. Is my head really supposed to act like this? Is there a delete button somewhere? Can I at least organize all this crap into folders and only have to deal with them when I open the folder?

My desktop is full of icons and has about 2398472384729 popups appearing at any given second. No wonder my brain freezes up. I don't have the RAM for this!

Simplicity is what I long for. It's like my own personal utopia. Even as I grab for more and more things to complicate and fill up my life, my inner soul just cries out simply for Jesus.

Our ordinary abilities will never worship God unless they are transformed by the indwelling Son of God. We must make sure that our human flesh is kept in perfect submission to Him, allowing Him to work through it moment by moment Are we living at such a level of human dependence upon Jesus Christ that His life is being exhibited moment by moment in us?
- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord"
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Plastic surgery? Heart transplant.

2010-08-08T06:30:00.000-07:00

Am I allowing His holy innocence, simplicity, and oneness with the Father the chance to exhibit itself in me?

Am I simple enough to identify myself with the Lord in this way?

Is He having His wonderful way with me?

Is God's will being fulfilled in that His son has been formed in me, or have I carefully pushed Him to one side?

Is the Son of God praying in me, bringing honor to the Father, or am I dictating my demands to Him?

Is He ministering in me as He did in the time of His manhood here on earth?

Is God's son in me going through His passion, suffering so that His own purposes might be fulfilled?

- Oswald Chambers

I'm not sure how to answer these questions. When I think back to December, when God first called me to this year long committment and I remember how I felt, how I thought, what I expected for the year, how determined I was, it's almost like another person. I have definitely wandered. I have definitely been distracted. I have definitely wandered off the beaten path more than a few times.

It makes me wonder if there is still time. The year is more than halfway over. My inclination right now is to kick it into overdrive, to make up for what was lacking the past few months. Work like crazy to earn my spot in heaven again. Got to prove that I'm worth it. Got to prove that I can do it. Got to prove that I'm not worthless, that I'm not a failure.

"He is the source of your life in Christ Jesus, whom God made our wisdom and our righteousness and sanctification and redemption."
- 1 Corinthians 1:30

Continually learning that it is not myself anymore, but it is Him. Learning to swallow my pride, learning to bite my tongue, learning to release my anger/bitterness/hatred of people for what they've "done" to me and instead ask for the Holy Spirit to fill me with the characteristics of Christ.

Mold me. Change me. Reconstruct me. Until there is nothing left of myself, kill my flesh and burn away the chaff. Let this not be a simple plastic surgery that is quick and easy, has no recovery time, and only affects the surface of my life. Lord, take it to the root of the problem. Cut out my heart and the dead flesh around it and replace it with Your healthy, beating, beautiful Heart. Give me Your Son.

Stress

2010-08-06T06:24:00.000-07:00

The past few days, God has really seemed to be just making me aware of myself. I've never been so aware of my moods, my reactions, etc when I'm starting my period and then on my period. I've never been so aware of the affect of situations around me on my stress level.

It's a good thing, I think. The more self-aware I am, the better I am able to surrender. If I don't know I have an anxiety problem, I can't release my anxiety.

Work is always a stress factor. The personalities around me aren't always cohesive with my own. I have confrontation issues and of course it is always easy to be frustrated with other people but not easy to talk to them about it and reconcile differences. My boss is a great guy and has done a lot for me. But he has also hurt and broken me a lot. Sometimes it's a good day at work, sometimes it's a bad day. The uncertainty is stress in and of itself, and then if it turns out to be a bad day that stress rises exponentially. Especially if I am on my period, where I'm already on edge as it is.

Then there is all the newness that comes with my dad's job. He has several questions to answer in the next few days, the answers which will affect the entire family. So now I have all these possible change combinations coming in the near future that I have to be prepared for...or at least I feel like I have to be prepared for.

I want to do several things. Because I feel like they will lower my stress level and make life easier. Because I think these decisions will make my neck and back stop tightening up. Because I think these decisions will help me sleep better without tossing and turning all night. Because I think these decisions will make my brain stop going 5 million miles an hour.

But I know better. I know that God committed me to several things for this year, and it's only August. I still have 4ish months to go. You can't bow out of a committment just because it gets hard. I still hope that God lets me quit though. Or leads me in another direction.

"For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."
- 1 Corinthians 1:18

I've got to learn to stick with God no matter what comes my way. Yes it's hard, because I have all these habits and ways of thinking that are contrary to God's. I have to learn to think as God thinks, to follow His ways or else He can never use me as He wants to...as I want Him to.

God, I'm yours. Wholly and totally, with all my mistakes and imperfections. Mold me, change me, form me into the woman You created me to be. I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to be Yours. My identity is not found in my appearance, in my skills, in my abilities, in my acclaim. My identity is found in the Cross.

Following God Despite Bleeding from Your Uterus

2010-08-03T10:56:00.000-07:00

I started off today's God time completely in the wrong mood, and I knew it. I finally started my period today after days of my body telling me "it's now, it's now!". I've been in that state of being that all women are aware of when people keep telling you to calm down and you scream back "I AM CALM!". It's a fun island to live on for a week or two at a time.

I don't know if any other women are the same way I am, but for me it's like I live on the island but I'm wearing virtual reality glasses that show me living back home where I'm supposed to be. So when someone tells me "hey you're on the island right now", I get pissed off (which in and of itself should tell me 'HEY dummy, you're on the island') and insist that no, I am at home where I am supposed to be. The more someone tells me, the more angry I get.

When you live on this island, it's amazing how little things seem like a huge freaking deal. One minor comment suddenly invades my entire thinking and I come up with all kinds of scathing rebuttals to bury my opponent in as soon as the opportunity arises. That is another aspect of the island, it's everyone against you. Every one is an enemy. And everyone put on their stupid pants this morning specifically so they can ask you every dumb question they can think of.

So as you can gather from my colorful description, the past few days haven't been so great. My boss, such a kind and caring man, loves to point out every 5 seconds that I'm pms-ing, acts like I'm going to hit him and all times, and patronizingly asks me if I'm ok. Yesterday after working all day I had a coworker get on me about my wine etiquette, I had a sous chef insinuate that I was a horrible foodrunner, and I knocked into absolutely everything in the restaurant, including clotheslining myself a couple times. On top of that, I ate everything in sight.

Bad day. Woke up this morning not feeling too much better because my body FINALLY decided to start bleeding.

I'm sure everyone is so excited about this blog post.

The point is that when I got to my prayer corner, finally, after having cleaned the entire room and showering in an effort to calm down and relieve some nervous stress that I obviously have built up, when I bowed down to pray I felt so...small? Hopeless? Tired?

I'm not sure how to express it. I was stuck in this typical "I just started my period and I'm freaking out" mood but I think this is probably the first time I was aware of it. At least while I was there on the island, instead of after I'm off the island.

So I told God exactly where I was. This is what I'm feeling. This is how I'm acting. This is how I'm responding to people. I'm snappy and short with people and on the edge of tears and frustrated . And I don't want to be this way.

Lord I want to love people. I want to listen to what they have to say, I want to respond with loving kindness, I want people to see Christ, not myself. I want to see people as You see them, not being focused on their faults, on their annoying habits, or even how they've wronged me or how I think they've wronged me. Lord open my eyes to see them as they really are and to love them where they are and to love them as You love them. Lord I want to be a gospel centered person, someone who is full of Your joy. Fill me with excitment Lord, remind me of who You are and what You have done for me. Send Your Holy Spirit to fill me and search my heart and make it clean. Scratch out everything in me that is not of You, that doesn't bring You glory. Lord bring my focus to giving You the glory and furthering Your kingdom.

"Seeking to do the will of the Father was one of the dominating concerns throughout our Lord's life. And whatever He encountered along the way, whether joy or sorrow, success or failure, He was never deterred from that purpose."

"The greatest thing for us to remember is that we go up to Jerusalem to fulfill God's purpose, not our own. In the natural life our ambitions are our own, but in the Christian life we have no goals of our own."

"We have no idea what God's goal may be; as we continue, His purpose becomes even more and more vague."

"The work we do is of no account when compared with the compelling purpose of God."

- Oswald Chambers

Therefore as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord".
- 1 Corinthians 1:31

Sanctification

2010-07-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

"This is the will of God, your sanctification..."

The heart is desperately wicked, who can know it. If nothing else, this year has showed me how extremely selfish, self-centered, self-sufficient I really am. The things I know I should do, I don't want to. I think I love people but I really love the fulfillment I get when I do things for them. I think I love people but it actually wouldn't matter to me if they died or not.

That sounds so much worse when I write it down then when I think it in my head.

But it's true. My sinful heart cares only for itself. Everyone else can go to hell for all I care. What a scary thing it is to realize just how evil I am. It's easy to point at Hitler and terrorists and say "That is evil incarnate." How easy is it to then point that finger back at me and say "I am evil incarnate."

The allure of life outside of God is so strong. It's so easy to deceive my own heart, to trick it into being distracted by day to day things. Sometimes I catch myself, but even then that pull is so strong I almost give in anyway.

"You can come back from this, it won't hurt yourself at all"

"God will still love you even if you do that"

"It'll be fun and you deserve it"

"It's ok for that person so it's ok for you"

How can I be freed from my chains of sin and lies and evil and then pick them up and put them back on myself?

God, I want to spend money on those clothes. God, I want to look good in those people's eyes. God, I want to go to that party. God, I want that boy, any boy, to kiss me. God, I want to tan and work out and lose weight and look more attractive.

Me me me.

I I I.

I am a living, breathing Me monster.

Why can't I find my fulfillment in you Lord? Why do I have to turn to these other things? Why do I have to be so focused on myself all the time?

God I can't suffer for you. I can't bring you glory. I can't even let go of my own desire to be liked by everyone.

I don't know how to be a daughter. I don't know how to be a friend. I don't know how to be a Christian. I don't know how to be Your child. I don't know how to be an employee. I don't know how to be a waitress. God, I can't do any of the things I'm supposed to do. Not only can I not do the actions I'm supposed to, I can't be the things I'm supposed to.

I want people to depend on me, so I feel important. But I fail them every time. I want to be good at things so people look at me and say that I'm amazing. I want to wow people, I want to shock them, I want to draw them into myself.

Am I willing to be myself and nothing more? Am I willing to have no friends, no father, no brother, and no self-interest - simply to be ready for death? Am I willing to reduce myself down to simply "me"? Am I determined enough to strip myself of all that my friends think of me and all that I think of myself? Am I willing and determined to hand over my simple naked self to God?
- Oswald Chambers

God, I'm not. I was at one point, but somewhere it changed. Somewhere I turned from that and rolled around in the muck that You just cleaned off of me. I'm not willing and I'm not determined. I'm just stuck, crawling weakly away from You because I don't have the strength or the willpower to turn around and lift my hands for You to pick me up. God rescue me. Change my heart Lord. Turn me back towards You, because I know that is where my peace is. I know that is where my true fulfillment is. I know that is where I am filled with your joy. I know that is where life makes sense.

Continue to break me God. Pummel me down so that I don't find myself far from You again.

Lessons for the Week

2010-05-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

I am broken. Inside and out, through and through, from the top to the bottom, completely and utterly broken. The boards are rotten and full of termites, the pipes are rusty, mold lives in every crevice, and there's shit smeared on the walls.

The instant I forget that, or pretend that everything's ok is the instant I pull my hand out of God's. It's when I turn tail and run directly from His presence. It's when I stop cleaning, throw my towel in the bucket, and start flinging mud around.

Again and again you will come right up to what Jesus wants, but every time you will turn back at the true point of testing, until you are determined to abandon yourself to God in total surrender.
- Oswald Chambers

As long as I have this little piece of me held back, as long as I tell God "Take all of me except this part right here" I will never be of any use to Him. Because when it comes time to be used by Him, I will have selfishly kept something to myself. What is the point of surrender if I am not fully releasing myself?

Jesus Christ demands that you risk everything you hold on to or believe through common sense, and leap by faith into what He says.
- Oswald Chambers

It's hard. It's scary. You can't see what's in front of you, you don't know if you will be jumping up or jumping down or simply free-falling. But whatever it is you end up doing, you have to trust and know that it is all to bring glory to God...and that has to give you peace. If that does not bring you peace, you are not His child. In fact, I think that it would give you not just peace but joy, excitement, readiness to jump feet first, arms spread wide to receive whatever Jesus has planned for you in that darkness.

If I put my trust in human beings first, the end result will be my despair and hopelessness toward everyone. I will become bitter because I have insisted that people be what no person can ever be - absolutely perfect and right.
- Oswald Chambers

I spent 20 years of my life trusting in everyone around me. I was left with so much bitterness and cynicism and hopeless dependency issues that it's a wonder to me that anyone put up with me for longer than 3 minutes. I trusted in my parents and they failed me. I trusted in my friends and they failed me. I trusted in boyfriends and they failed me. I trusted in my bosses and they failed me. I trusted in youth workers and pastors and they failed me.

The only saving grace, the only perfect love, the only accountability to be found is found in Jesus Christ.

The purpose of our Christian training is to get us into the right relationship to the "needs" of God and His will. Once God's "needs" in us have been met, He will open the way for us to accomplish His will, meeting His "needs" elsewhere.
- Oswald Chambers

If I can't sit still and allow God to work in me, clean me, teach me, train me, discipline me, how can He use me at all? I might as well lock myself in a room and stay there, that's about how useful I would be. God called me to devote this year to Him, not so that I can make a lot of money and live comfortably for once in my life, not so I could build friendships, not so I could get involved in ministries, not so I could get a good tan going but so that I would discipline myself to sit still and listen to His voice, to obey His teachings, to think His thoughts, to let my ways follow His ways, to become so closely ingrained in Him that there is no obvious separation and all this so that He might be brought the glory. All is for His glory.

Am I allowing my natural life to be slowly transformed by the indwelling life of the Son of God? God's ultimate purpose is that His Son might be exhibited in me.
- Oswald Chambers

Oh God, that you would melt my skull with Your glory and liquefy my body with Your presence. Let nothing be left of myself, I gladly march into the furnace to so that I would be burned up and only You remain.

Can a sinner be turned into a saint? Can a twisted life be made right? Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do? Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God's power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see? Has any spiritual work been accomplished in me at all?

God's Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.
- Oswald Chambers

God I trust that You can do what I cannot, because if You can't than we are all lost. My hope is in You and my faith lies at Your feet. I know that without You I am utterly nothing, I cease to exist and it amazes me that You allow me not only to keep existing, but to live and not only to live but to live well, to flourish, to influence others lives, to grow and learn and develop in ways that blow my mind. It amazes me how You have completely set me up for success, surrounding me with love and support, putting in my hands Your word and Your direction, speaking directly to my heart and mind.

God, You are holy. You are mighty. You are the ALPHA and OMEGA, where there is no beginning and end. You are eternal and You are perfect. You recognize me out of all You have created and You endeavor to let me know You. You pursue me and You want me. God I don't deserve anything that You give me but I am so so grateful every time You bless me. Fill my heart God with love for You and fill my mind with thoughts of You and fill my eyes with visions of Your face and fill my body with Your Spirit.

Crippling Fear

2010-05-24T09:48:00.000-07:00

It is difficult to be changed. It is hard to learn a different way of thinking, of behaving, of living. It hurts to heal. It is complicated. It is messy. It is painful.

It is necessary.

It is hidden. You don't always know you are broken. You just know that you are hurting, that something is wrong. You feel unsettled, uncertain, frustrated and despairing. You can't understand why you continue to react to people, why it's so hard to pray, why you dread getting up in the morning.

God, that You would reveal my emptiness, my sin, my transgressions to my eyes.

God, that You would lay open my chest to show me the nasty, ugly components underneath.

God, that You would push me though I balk at the pain.

Finally, you begin to understand. Finally, it begins to make sense. Finally, you feel a little light shed on your darkness.

Oh God, forgive me my fear and trepidation. Forgive my forsaking Your name, forgive my denial of Your presence and importance in my life. Forgive me, Lord, for belittling our covenant, our love, our relationship, our journey.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrong. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth. Love never fails.

True love casts out all fear.

Love is as strong as death, love flashes like fire.

God is love. How can I forget what He has done for me? How can I not tell everyone our story? And yet my need for acceptance, my fear of rejection, my desire to be liked by everyone I know is so strong that I find myself reacting out of my flesh rather than allowing God to live through me.

Why do I revert to my own methods of protection? Why am I so afraid of being hurt that I pull back from everyone and pull into myself? Why do I stop caring about other people so that they can't hurt me? Why do I live for self preservation instead of for His glory?

It is easy to live for God when the people I'm with are living for God as well.

But when people aren't living for God, I revert to my previous self. My pre-saved self. Old habits are hard to break and I have 20 years of habits based on fear, self-preservation, despair, and a desire to be seen as strong. Even though I know better, even though I've learned the true way, the Gospel way, I look back over the days and weeks and months and see that I have not evidenced it in my life as I ought to.

Whenever His hand is laid upon you, it gives inexpressible peace and comfort, and the senes that "underneath are the everlasting arms" (Deuteronomy 33:27). And once His touch comes, nothing at all can throw you into fear again.
- Oswald Chambers

Luke 4

2010-04-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

Luke 4:1-13

First off, I just think it's cool that Jesus was "full of the Holy Spirit" and was "led by the Holy Spirit". He was so fully man that He needed to be lead by God's presence through the Holy Spirit. Just like us, He had to be filled with the Holy Spirit for God to work through Him. Just like us, Jesus had to commune with His Father, He had to make the conscious decision to love Him.

Also interesting that it was only AFTER 40 days of not eating that Jesus became hungry. Was it because He was so entranced with His Father that He didn't even notice His hunger pains? Did He not have any hunger pains at all? Either way, after those 40 days I bet those hunger pains were vicious.

Also interesting that it says the devil was with Him all those 40 days, tempting him. But it doesn't tell us what those temptations are, only the last 3 after the 40 days. It must have taken an extreme force of will for Jesus to stay focused on God for 40 days while the devil himself is there tempting Him. I guess that's why He didn't notice that He was hungry!

When the devil tells Jesus that because He's the Son of God, He can turn the stones all around them into bread and eat some I can't help but think "Duh." It seems like such a silly and useless temptation. I imagine Jesus saying "Oh well thank you for revealing to me the full scale of my power in God. I wasn't aware I could turn these stones into bread, and here I've been starving for 40 days for nothing." You know? It just seems so ridiculous. And all Christ says in return is "The Scriptures say we do not live on bread alone." Which is so much more "bad ass", if Christ is allowed to be "bad ass" that is. It's like a knife straight through to Satan's heart (does he have one btw?). Jesus is telling Satan that He doesn't even care about eating because communing with God is so much more fulfilling and satiating and desirable and freaking AWESOME that simply eating is so passe. It's like eating is a let down after 40 days of straight God time. Jesus is reminding Satan of what He experiences every day and what Satan gave up. I think Satan is torn up, I think he has this immense passion and desire for God that burns hotter than any desire we have ourselves and instead of embracing it and throwing himself straight into it to be burned up, he hates it. He despises it. He keeps it burning and he keeps the pain present because he wants to hate it. It is the fuel behind all his evil in the world. But at the same time, it is something he wants more than anything...to be fully and totally surrendered to God.

After the food temptation, Satan shows Jesus all the empires and kingdoms and rulers of the past and of the future and tells Him that He can have it all...if He worships Satan. Can anyone else picture Jesus as a Satanist? Sacrificing goats, painting blood all over the place, black lipstick, heavy eyeshadow, lip piercing? No? I didn't think so either. It's so utterly ludicrous, I have to wonder at Satan's powers of analyzing. He's effectively saying "Here Jesus, see all these kingdoms from way back then and for in the future? I will totally give you all the power that entails if you just get on your face before me." And Jesus goes "I knew about all these kingdoms before you even thought about falling from heaven. I am the deciding force behind all these kingdoms and am the one who gives them all their power. I created you from nothing and even now, in your rebellion and hatred of myself, even now I completely and totally control and own you. I have all the power of heaven and earth at my very fingertips and soon every knee will bow and every tongue confess that I am Lord and I will destroy this heaven and earth in favor of a new heaven and earth far greater than this one ever will be. And you want me to lay down before you?" After which I imagine Jesus laughing like its the best joke He's ever heard (Btw, does God laugh at jokes, since He created them all?) So that's how I would imagine Jesus answering...Or it's how I would answer for Him, if someone posed the question to me. But that's not how Jesus answers. He just simply says "Scriptures say to worship God alone." Maybe all the things I thought would have been good to say are all inherent in that little sentence.

Finally Satan takes Jesus up high and is getting tired of Jesus continually quoting Scripture at him, so he throws his own scriptures in there and says "Throw yourself down since the Scriptures say the angels will save you." Does Satan think Jesus is an adrenaline junkie or something? Go ahead, throw yourself off a cliff just to see what happens. You're God, the angels have to save you and it'll be awesome! Satan's argument doesn't even make sense to me...Scriptures say that the angels will save you...ok, that doesn't mean you go putting yourself in danger just to try it out! Which is effectively what Jesus tells him, "The Scriptures say do not test the Lord".

The best part? That last sentence...it says Satan retreats for a more "opportune time". Like he's hiding from God and laying in wait to pounce when God least expects it.

Luke 4:14
"And Jesus returned in the power of the Holy Spirit to Galilee"

Luke 4:16-30

This next section is when Jesus goes back to his hometown of Nazareth. He has been on a teaching/preaching trip, going from town to town and entering their synagogue and preaching from the Scriptures. So He does the same thing in Nazareth and quotes "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me because He has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." Then He tells all the people in the synagogue that He is the fulfillment of that scripture.

And everyone just kind of looks at him like "Are you crazy". How weird would it be to have someone you grew up with, went to school with, sat at lunch with for years and years tell you that they fulfill scripture? You played soccer with them and saw them pick their nose and eat glue and puke from eating too much birthday cake...and now you're saying you're the Son of God? Get out of here. It wouldn't make sense, it wouldn't compute. It makes me really wonder how Jesus was before He started His ministry. The gospels are very good at giving us a clear picture of Jesus during and after His ministry, but what about before? How did he go through puberty? How did He treat the boys and girls His age? How did He talk to His parents and other adults? How did He work at His school? What things interested Him, got Him excited? How did He deal with bullies and people who wanted to fight or argue or challenge Him? How did He treat the girls who had crushes on Him?

Jesus then tells the people gathered that prophets are never accepted in their hometown, pointing back to Elijah and Elisha and how they had to go far from their town or their people to be able to minister the hand of God.

And for whatever reason this pisses everyone off. To the point where they drove Jesus out of the synagogue and out of the town and to the edge of a cliff, where they were going to throw Him over the edge and kill him.

Goodness.

Humans are insane.

I've tried to picture what it would look like to drive Jesus out of a synagogue and a town. Did Jesus run? Did they push Him over and over and over until they got Him out? Did they grab Him by the arms and hustle Him out? Did they pick Him up and carry Him above their heads? Was He caught up in the crowd and forced along? Did they hit him?

And then when the whole crowd (probably the whole town) got to the edge of the cliff, Jesus just disappears.

"But passing through their midst, He went away."

Which begs the question...why not do that at the beginning? Why let the crowd run you out of the synagogue and town? Why endure the shoving and pushing and hitting?

Luke 4:41

Jesus has just healed Simon's mother and is in her home, enjoying her hospitality, and receiving all the sick and demon possessed people of the area. Why does Jesus tell all the demons that come out of these people to be quiet and not to proclaim who He is?

"But He rebuked them and would not allow them to speak, because they knew that He was the Christ."

Is it a secret or something?

Luke4:42

"And when it was day, he departed and went into a desolate place."

I like that Jesus life is such a model for ourselves. He did everything just like we have to. He didn't just commune continually with God because He can...He limited Himself, brought Himself to our level so that He would also have to work to experience the intimacy with God that He had naturally. And so, just like us, He had to withdraw to a place alone so that He can be refreshed and refilled by God.

Sometimes...Always

2010-04-07T09:14:00.001-07:00

Sometimes it takes an earthquake to bring me back to Him.

Sometimes I have to be utterly broken to receive His love.

Sometimes I wrestle with myself until I have no more energy left.

Sometimes I deal with inner turmoil for days.

Sometimes I cry out in helpless confusion.

Sometimes I try so hard to do what I'm supposed to.

Sometimes I grow so disgusted with myself I want to crawl out of my own body.

Sometimes I think I'm going insane.

Always.

Always.

Always.

Always, He eases my pain.

Always, He loves me.

Always, He guides me.

Always, He teaches me.

Always, He saves me.

Always, He rescues me.

Always, He restores me.

Always, He pursues me.

Always, He is with me.

"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."
- Philippians 3:13b-14

I Want To Be Remembered

2010-03-30T20:02:00.000-07:00

I want to be remembered as a woman who is sold out for Christ. I want to be remembered as a woman who is more in love with God than with any man, woman, child, or possession. I want to be remembered as a woman who spends the first and last hour of every day communing with her Saviour. I want to be remembered as a woman who loses herself in God’s presence when she worships. I want to be remembered as a woman who points at all times back to Christ in everything she does and in her manner of life.

I want to be remembered as a woman who loves unconditionally, who never counts someone’s sins against them. I want to be remembered as a woman who had high standards and wouldn’t change those for anyone. I want to be remembered as a woman who had higher priorities than just her own wants and desires. I want to be remembered as a woman who worked hard, kept a routine, and was respectable. I want to be remembered as a woman who was matured and wise

I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t forget a single family member. I want to be remembered as a woman who emailed correspondence with her cousins, called her grandma regularly, took her sisters to pedicures, had coffee dates with her mom, and gave random, meaningful gifts to all her family. I want to be remembered as a woman who brought in people not biologically related into her family and treated them with as much respect, honor, and love as she did to her own children and family. I want to be remembered as a woman who never shouted or screamed or hit her children, as a woman who kept herself controlled and would instead talk to her children about the reason they would be punished. I want to be remembered as a woman who was honest about my own shortcomings and who used her own experiences to teach her children and to counsel her family members away from making the same mistakes she did. I want to be remembered as a woman who my children were not afraid to come to when they did something wrong or found themselves in a tough situation. I want to be remembered as a woman whose relationship with Christ was so obvious and relevant to her every day life that it trickled down to the rest of her family.

I want to be remembered as a woman who never used foul language. I want to be remembered as a woman who never made fun of another person or gossiped or set out to ruin someone else. I want to be remembered as a woman who worked hard and honestly. I want to be remembered as a woman who would take the blame from someone else. I want to be remembered as a woman who was a peacemaker. I want to be remembered as a woman who learned quickly and didn’t make the same mistake twice.

I want to be remembered as a woman who greeted newcomers warmly and immediately set aside everything else to get to know them. I want to be remembered as a woman who gave without thought as much as she could to everyone who had need. I want to be remembered as a woman who could be trusted to take care of a family or individual going through a tough time. I want to be remembered as a woman who the church knew they could call to volunteer wherever needed. I want to be remembered as a woman who knew everyone in the church and made sure to greet them all by name and keep in contact with them.

I want to be remembered as a woman who gave her tithe every week.I want to be remembered as a woman who gave to missions and other church functions as much as she could. I want to be remembered as a woman who gave to individuals as she learned of their need. I want to be remembered as a woman who blessed financially where she could, without ever revealing who she was. I want to be remembered as a woman who paid her bills every month and never borrowed a cent from anyone or any institution. I want to be remembered as a woman who lived simply, without indulging in material possession she didn’t need such as fancy clothes, hair highlights, big screen tv, flashy car, expensive jewelry, etc. I want to be remembered as a woman who invested her money in small businesses and entrepreneurs, a woman who believed in people trying to get off the ground. I want to be remembered as a woman who never considered her money her own.

I want to be remembered as a woman who ate more vegetables and fruit than she did meat. I want to be remembered as a woman who did everything in moderation. I want to be remembered as a woman who went to pilates classes and had “walking” dates with people and played soccer or ultimate Frisbee or football with her friends, family, and children. I want to be remembered as a woman who was not Hercules but could do manual labor and was not afraid to sweat, burn, or pull a muscle. I want to be remembered as a woman who did not use the fact that she was a woman to get out of doing something physically straining. I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t go to the doctor unless her guts were spilling out her stomach…and then only after she had been prayed over. I want to be remembered as a woman who wanted to have her children at home in a safe and comfortable and natural environment instead of in a hospital full of drugs and unfamiliar people and ugly rooms. I want to be remembered as a woman who followed an evening and morning routine in order to have the best sleep possible.

I want to be remembered as a woman who never stopped reading or studying. I want to be remembered as a woman who would learn any language in order to talk with and minister to whoever came into contact with her. I want to be remembered as a woman who enjoyed intellectual discussions about religion, the Bible, politics, literature, and philosophy. I want to be remembered as a woman who had enough degrees to start her own university. I want to be remembered as a woman who had a wide array of knowledge that she used to minister to and teach people without ever seeming like an intellectual superior. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved music and was constantly humming, singing quietly, or loudly busting out tunes, as a woman who learned to play piano, guitar, cello, and whatever instrument she could get her hands on enough to be able to play simple songs. I want to be remembered as a woman who had more books in her house than she had room for. I want to be remembered as a woman who didn’t think any field of study was too boring to not look in to at least a little bit (such as anatomy, calculus, astronomy, geology, ancient history, etc). I want to be remembered as a woman who wrote extensively on as many topics as she studied, maybe even more. I want to be remembered as a woman who was private but also completely open to whoever wanted to hear her thoughts on any given subject or her advice. I want to be remembered as a woman who wrote a book that benefited and enhanced and freed several million people.

I want to be remembered as a woman who everyone in the neighborhood knew and looked to for help, advice, or friendship. I want to be remembered as a woman who made cookies for each new neighbor. I want to be remembered as a woman who would do random acts of kindness such as mow a lawn, babysit kids for a date night, or invite neighbors over for dinner. I want to be remembered as a woman who respected and honored her police force and fire fighters, who was always cheerful and helpful to anyone she came in contact with, and who built personal. relationships with the girl who checked her out at WalMart, the elderly woman at the library, and the young man who worked at her favorite coffee shop. I want to be remembered as a woman who almost always had people over for dinner every night and who enjoyed cooking for a large group of people. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved the holidays and decorated the house for each one. I want to be remembered as a woman who enjoyed small intimate gatherings just as much as large ones, who loved to have a few girl friends over for just some wine and dessert but who also loved to have families over for barbecues.

I want to be remembered as a woman whose favorite thing to do to relax was to sit on her porch/patio/balcony, surrounded by beautiful trees and flowers and a gorgeous view, to sip her tea and snack on fruit and read a book or talk with God or pray or read the Bible. I want to be remembered as a woman who loved to bake and cook and who was constantly trying out new recipes and giving away samples of it to whoever happened to be in her house. I want to be remembered as a woman who would go to a cottage, hotel, wherever for a weekend to be alone with God a few times a year. I want to be remembered as a woman who found her greatest rest in the arms of her Husband. I want to be remembered as a woman who found casual company as relaxing and satisfying as being alone and who would never turn someone away from herself in order to be alone.

I want to be remembered. I want to leave in impact. I want to make a difference.

He Never Fails

2010-03-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know why God continually uses Oswald Chambers to speak to me, but He does. Guaranteed, anytime I sit down with it God speaks directly to what I was thinking just a second ago. A couple days ago He answered my questions I had been asking Him about how to conduct myself with one of my friends. The next day He addressed my attitude at work. It doesn't matter what time of day it is or what I've experienced that day, when I turn to my devotional in My Utmost For His Highest, it always speaks directly to my heart. I've highlighted and underlined the crap out of that little book.

A few posts back I talked about my shadow mission and how it had kind of snuck up on me. Since that post, I have been trying to wrestle my spirit back into submission to Christ. I wanted to be back where I was at the beginning of the year. I wanted Jesus to be my Husband where recently He had turned into my Pastor, kind and caring and always ready to listen but not intimate. You know the difference. I wanted to fall asleep to Him whispering in my ear, not call Him on my way to work to ask Him to talk out a prayer request with Him. I wanted to look forward to going home and relaxing while I talk out the day with Him, not review His notes from the sermon on Sunday. Is the difference obvious? The latter choices aren't bad, but they aren't fully right either. They are things I still do with Christ, but I want so much more. I long for so much more. I need so much more. Especially now that I know there IS so much more, now that I have experienced that close-knit relationship, how can I live without it?

Purity is the result of continued spiritual harmony with God.
- Oswald Chambers

Purity is what I seek, purity is what I long for. God please give me that purity. I seek you every day, don't let me lose that desire in my heart. Don't let it ever go dim, don't let it ever fade away.

I'm reminded of the routine God gave me at the beginning of the year and I realize just how far off it I have gotten. A lot of things I had committed to do, a lot of things I said I wouldn't do and now I'm either doing what I said I wouldn't or not doing what I said I would.

If we want to maintain a personal intimacy with the Lord Jesus Christ, it will mean refusing to do or even think certain things. And some things that are acceptable for others will become unacceptable for us.
- Oswald Chambers

God gave me my routine for a reason. Has He told me to stop doing things that are dreadful? No, actually none of them are obvious, sinful things. But they do keep me, personally, far from Christ...at least at this point in my life. It's not a bad thing to hang out with friends when getting off work...but God has told me not to. It's not a bad thing to work hard, save up, and buy a nice new gadget or car or whatever...but God has told me not to. There is a very specific purpose God has for me, a purpose that He has to prepare me for. He has to discipline my body and my impulses, sharpen and hone my mind, and grow me spiritually. There is a woman that I am meant to become and God wants to mold me into her.

Thank You God that I always long for Your rest. Thank You that I always seek Your quiet. Thank You that I long for time to sit in Your lap, without saying anything. I know that as long as that desire, that yearning, that cry is deep in my heart and my soul, even though it pains me, I know I know I know that I will always come to You and I will never run away. God, let it be a leash on my heart to never leave Your side, to never desire anything else more than You. God if my heart strays, put up walls. "I need you like a hurricane, thunder crashing wind and rains", break through me Holy Spirit. Discipline me, break me, tear me apart, so that nothing is left but Your presence. Let nothing come above You in my life, in my life be lifted high!

Pleasing to the Lord

2010-03-17T08:58:00.000-07:00

"But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires fo the Spirit are against the flesh, for those are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law... And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
- Galatians 5: 16-24

"But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I should myself be disqualified."
- 1 Corinthians 9:27

We cannot half-ass our lives as Christians. We cannot live partly surrendered and we cannot continue on with our own plans and goals and habits. This is an all or nothing commitment. This is a call to leave everything behind, including the clothes on your back. This is a call to consider everything as worthless, even your own life, in order to consider bringing glory to God as the only thing you are able to do.

Our lives are to be pleasing to the Lord. We should be living our lives, constantly aware of the coming judgement for Christians, when God will have us stand before Him and He will ask "What have you done for My kingdom?" Can you imagine the pain you will feel if all you can say is "I went to church" or "I got a biblical degree" . We, as Christians, are all children of God but let's not be the children who go off to college and never come back! Let's not be the children who create new lives for ourselves and occasionally call back home with updates!

We have to be serious about sin in our lives. We have to be serious about anything that keeps us from constant, glorious communion with Christ. If we allow any wrong attitudes, any wrong thinking, any selfishness than we allow Satan a foothold in our lives. Tolerance of sin in ourselves is not acceptable. That little thing that we don't regard as that big of a deal, that we refuse to surrender to Christ will not stay stagnant. It will grow, it will change, it will warp your thinking. Soon you won't recognize it as sin and it will rob you blind of everything. You won't have the relationship you are supposed to have with God and you won't bring Him glory and you won't do the work that He has assigned to you.

"If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell."
- Matthew 5:30

Don't you understand? That one little thing, whatever it is, is not worth losing any closeness with Christ. It's not worth it to be separated from Christ! I beat my body and make it my slave, for I will not be stopped by my own flesh. I will not be kept from a continued relationship with my Husband.

It requires a conscious decision and effor tto keep our primary goal constantly in front of us. It means holding yourselves to the highest priority year in and year out; not making our first priority to win souls, or to establish churches, or to have revivals, but seeking only "to be well pleasing to Him"... any goal we have that diverts us even the slightest degree from the central goal of being "approved to God" (2 Timothy 2:15) may result in our rejection from further service for Him.
- Oswald Chambers

It is my greatest fear that I will not be able to be used by Christ. That I will not be ready for Him to speak through, to send out because I was selfish, because I clung to my one little thought or habit or whatever instead of surrendering completely to Him.

We don't stumble into closeness with Christ. You can't go through the motions, fill out your Christian checklist, and work your way up to a "usable Christian". You have to work at it every day, wrestle yourself to the ground every morning and surrender to Christ, throw up the white flag and let go of EVERYTHING. Your goal has to be utter surrender for the purpose of being a vessel that He can fill with Himself. Don't you know that there is no greater joy, than to know that you are pleasing to Him? Don't you know that whatever it is that you don't want to surrender, it CAN'T COMPARE to a simple glance from His holy face?

What is your goal in life? What do you strive for? What do you work towards? What do you surrender? Where does your allegiance lie, really and truly?

Shadow Mission

2010-03-11T13:12:00.000-08:00

At my last Life Focus class, Chris introduced a new topic to us. He had us listen to a sermon about shadow missions, specifically about Esther's shadow mission. Great message, btw. The idea behind a shadow mission is that we all have our purpose from God and then we all have our own purpose that Satan does his best to get us wrapped into. The pastor giving the sermon gave one example of a shadow mission as watching tv and masturbating while the world goes to hell. The man who gave him this example said that if he could do what he wanted for the rest of the life, it would be as I just stated.

I've really been thinking about this recently. About what my shadow mission is. I've always known that God's plan for me was completely different than my own. When I think back to who I was ten years ago or even one year ago I laugh because I am completely different now. Something about being washed in the blood, saved by grace, completely renewed does something to you. I have also known for a while now that Satan works his hardest to distract me from God and from the plans He has for me, especially back in high school. I was literally a completely different person back then, with goals contrary to what God's goals are for me and even a personality opposite to my personality now.

This past week or so I have been really struggling with my relationship Christ...which means the relationship has been nonexistent, for the most part. It's like somebody flipped a switch and all of a sudden it was gone. I wasn't talking to Him constantly, we didn't share any close moments, nothing. It wasn't until I got to my Life Focus class and learned about shadow missions that I realized what was going on. I was transferring from life for Christ to life for my shadow mission.

My shadow mission is pretty pathetic...although I guess all shadow missions are. It's what my life was all about until I was 18 years old. It's something that I have to fight against daily, and knowing that I have to fight it now I have a much better chance at not falling prey to it again.

I started thinking about relationships again. That's probably the easiest and most common way for me to fall, to start noticing when guys are interested, to start thinking about dating again. Satan always tells me "What's the harm in going on a date or two? You don't have to commit to a relationship. Just have fun, enjoy yourself." Well that's all hunky dory, but what about the fact that I committed this year to God and He specifically told me not to date? I didn't think about that.

I started spending money like crazy. I'm working full time in order to pay back my loans, right? So as soon as I got paid, I take out tithe and savings and food and gas and then the rest goes to bills or to loans. The past couple weeks, I've just been keeping all this cash in my pocket or my wallet...several hundred dollars worth. Which of course means that I'm spending it, on clothes, on makeup, on phone accessories, on food. Taking people out to eat, covering the bill just because I can. Not flashing my money, but flashing my money. If you know what I mean. Pretending like I'm being generous, but really, deep down, if I was perfectly honest, I liked finally being the one with money after having grown up with nothing.

I started foregoing my routine. Part of dedicating this year to God meant that I disciplined myself. I learned to enjoy the routine and loved the intimacy I received from God when I obeyed Him in the disciplines He taught me. Instead of going home and spending some time in the Word or praying before going to bed I would go meet up with someone and hang out. Of course that meant getting home late which meant I woke up late which meant I didn't spend time with God in the morning either. Instead of going to spend time with my family and develop previously nonexistent relationships I would make all kinds of social arrangements. Instead never asking days off in order to make as much money as possible to pay off the loans, like God told me to at the beginning of the year, I started asking off all kinds of shifts so that I could join various social gatherings.

I started caring about my appearance A LOT. My nights and mornings became filled with blow-drying, straightening, and fixing my hair. I started wearing more makeup than I normally do, wearing the new makeup I bought. I was more concerned about how I looked, because I was trying to attract the attention of guys around me. I wanted to grab their attention, have them talk to me, and eventually ask me on a date.

I know the danger this life leads for me. I know that it leaves me susceptible to whatever people want me to be. I know that I will starve myself, work out like crazy, tan, get highlights, spend all the money I can to fit into the mold that people want me to be. If I started dating a guy, I'd throw everything else to hell to keep his attention and make him happy with me until he got tired of me and I'd start the process all over again with another guy.

It's so crazy that I can be two totally different people. It's so scary that it only takes me a week or so to fall back into this person I used to be. What was the trigger? What led me down this path to begin with? Where did I take a left turn?

Mostly I've been trying to figure out how to get back. How do I become lost in His love again? Because it's not that God's changed. It's not that He left or He rejected me.

My Wonderful Lord,

Thank You from the depths of my soul for continually proving how strong Your passion is for me. Yes, Lord, there are many days I feel lost and very far from You. I know in my heart You never move from me, but somehow no matter how hard I try to stay close to You, I seem to fall away from Your love and truth, I am so in awe that You continue to run after me no matter what I do or say, I am so grateful that You never, ever give up on me.

Love,
Your Princess, who is ready to be found

This morning I had my first quiet time, first morning time with God in several weeks. (It's so crazy how after having experienced the awesomeness of morning time, Satan can still convince me with the lie that stopping and taking the time wouldn't be worth it) This was my excerpt from His Princess. It's awesome to know that even when I completely throw up the finger at God, He's still longing for me back.

If we do not apply our beliefs about God to the issues of everyday life, the vision God has given us will never be fulfilled.
- Oswald Chambers

My reading from Oswald Chambers was right on the money as well. Why do I STILL think that God won't talk to me through what I read?

The only way to be obedient to the "heavenly vision" is to give our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory
- Oswald Chambers

What have I been giving God recently? Jack squat. My thinking has been so selfishly focused. I used to be in prayer constantly over my friends, over countries, over churches, whatever God brought to my mind. I was always involved in people, ministering to them, counseling when they sought it, calling them to see how they're doing, praying for them, etc. But nothing for the past couple of weeks. In fact, I've been annoyed when I've felt like God was asking me to pray for people. If I tried, it was dead and void of any feeling.

This can only be accomplished only when we make a determination to continually remember God's vision.
- Oswald Chambers

Refer back to this post I made last year: http://sarahbethrealtalk.blogspot.com/2009/12/one-whole-year.html. It's when God had me devote the year to Him. I was so filled with the Holy Spirit, so ready to give up everything, so ready to obey even when it was something I didn't want to do. That's what I lost sight of. That's what God called me to, and I completely forgot about it.

Lord, lead me back to Your plan. Break the walls in my heart that I've built against You. Scream louder than the lies Satan has playing in my headphones. Romance me back to Yourself. Point out the glaringly obvious contradictions in my life over and over and over again. Humiliate me if You have to. I do not want to live for a shadow mission. I do not want to be useless to you. I do not want to lose my saltiness.Bring me to a place where you can use me again. I surrender all to You.

Not Your Typical 21st Birthday

2010-03-07T12:09:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I turned 21. I've been in kind of a dark, thinking, deep mood and have been trying to figure out why for the past 24 hours.

Midnight on Friday I was still at work when I was supposed to be off around 1130. Normally not a big deal to me, except that I had an hour drive ahead of me to my friend's house and would then have to get up at 6am for our trip the next day. My coworkers wished me happy birthday (since it was midnight) and said "someone's going drinking tonight!" That phrase pissed me off and as I was driving to my friend's house I remembered that my boss had planned, with the rest of my coworkers, to take me out on my birthday. I didn't really know what that meant, but I could guess and I didn't want to go. The whole thing made me anxious and angry that I would have to go because saying no would somehow offend them.

Maddy and I traveled to OU the next morning. Getting up in the morning was really hard but by the time we were in the car I was awake and excited. We sang and laughed and joked and talked. It was good, we hadn't had a chance to do that in a while. We had fun at the OU basketball game and although I had thought we were going to stay longer and was a little disappointed that we didn't, I still had a great time. On the trip back I was exhausted and passed out. I woke up 2 hours later to my mom calling me and letting me know that a man had called her saying he had my purse back in Norman, Oklahoma. He worked at Raising Cane's, the restaurant we had lunch at. I called him and he said he would mail my purse to me soon as he got off work.

I'm a crackhead. I lost my purse on my 21st birthday and it had nothing to do with me being sloshed at all.

I don't know why but I've been in this agitated state since yesterday afternoon. Everything has been bothering me and I'm trying to act like it's not, because it shouldn't. I feel like I have no time and too much time, restless, anxious, frustrated. I feel lonely but don't want anyone to take notice of me or talk to me. I'm pretty sure I've had an "eff off" face on all day. It's so weird for me not understand what I'm feeling or thinking.

This morning I realized that I had passed my birthday and not allowed God to celebrate it with me. We celebrated Valentine's day together and Christmas and we've celebrated every day together, but my birthday I kept selfishly to myself. I think partly because I'm human, and partly because I'm so sick of everyone thinking they know how I should spend my birthday, or how I did spend my birthday, or how I'll spend the rest of my life now that I'm 21.

Really? Is that all I'm reduced to know? Is that all that this birthday means to me, to other people? That I have the legal right to drink? Ya, it's cool that I can order a beer when I go out to dinner but I haven't been looking forward to that. I hate it when people grin real big and say "Oh I bet you had a great birthday" or they start nudging each other and sharing a joke amongst themselves, like they're remembering their own 21st birthdays.

I am not you. Stop thinking I am. And stop being mad at me when I'm not. I don't want you to take me out to drinks. I don't want to get sloshed. I don't want to party. I don't want to hit up some clubs. I want to finish my shift at work and go home to my family. I want to talk to my dad about my day, kiss my brother as he sleeps, clean my room, and go to bed. Just like I always have. Just like I will continue to do for a while. Nothing about this birthday changes who I am.

I will not be constrained by culture's mold of a 21 year old. I am who I am, as weird and contradictory and paradoxical as God made me. I refuse to be who culture thinks I should be.

This is Love in the Making

2010-03-03T07:35:00.000-08:00

It hurts when you're dating someone and you can feel them pulling away. When they don't call you at their usual time, when their texts are shorter than normal, when they seem to always be busy with other things. If you're aware of it, you may ask them what's wrong or why they're pulling away. They probably deny that anything is wrong or are angry that you would think so. If you're not aware of it, you just have this ache in your heart and feel lost and confused. It's a painful process, whether the end of it is a break up of the relationship or the significant other comes back to that intimacy you both had previously. If it's a good ending, you will always have this bruise that doesn't go away from that whole fiasco. You may always wonder what it was that pulled them away...another woman perhaps? Were you just annoying them? Was it that they were pursuing their career apart from you, because you wouldn't approve or they couldn't pursue it if you were involved? And there is always the chance that it will happen again. A kind of anxious, nervous anticipation will accompany you the rest of your life as you try to prepare your heart for it to happen again.

God goes through this process a million times a day with 6 billion people. Only He doesn't wonder about why we pull away or what we're doing or if we'll do it again. He knows. He knows exactly what stupid things grab our attention and love from Him. He knows why we seek this insignificant things, whether material or otherwise, and He knows that He fulfills those desires and needs of our hearts completely. He also knows exactly when we will do it again, whether with the same thing or with a new thing that crosses our paths.

I've often thought that God blessed me with the ability to feel immensely. This can be a curse and it has been at some points in my life because my heart was not His. I love with everything in my body and that can sometimes mean that I leave my body behind with past relationships. Recently, since I've started this marriage with Christ, it's been less of feeling my own emotions to the extreme and being fully aware of them and more of feeling what God's feeling. I'll suddenly be overwhelmed with how much I love someone and then realize I don't know them. I'll hear about someone's struggle and feel my soul ache for them. At times, I can hear God screaming in agony over His children, either the pain they feel or their inability to release it to Him. I can hear God's laugh as we watch people's interactions and recognize their own unique ways of thinking or responding to other people. I can feel God smile when He sees tenderness and kindness and love.

My Husband longs to be with me. He longs to hold me, to whisper in my ear, to share with me how much He loves me and others, to teach me something new, to tell me something I haven't thought about before. When I get caught up in my life, in my work, distracted by new possibilities or new friends, or potential love interests, His heart cracks. He's the perfect gentleman though and won't explode with anger or manipulate me back to Him or demand my return. No, He will wait for me to decide to come back, to want to come back. And several days or weeks or months or years later when I finally realize what I've been doing, my heart cracks too. I'll run back to Him, tears streaming down my face, my mouth open in a silent sob, and collapse into His open arms. His tears will mingle with my own as He whispers into my hair "I love you, I love you, I love you." I'll cry into His shoulder "I don't want to leave again." It'll be a wet, messy, slobbery, snotty embrace that will start a new chapter in our relationship, and bring me even closer to Him.

Honor

2010-03-02T05:39:00.000-08:00

This past Sunday my pastor talked about honor. He used his brother's story of discovering that he didn't honor his wife as an example. His brother realized late in his marriage that he was expecting everyone to honor him and looking for them to honor him but never even thinking to honor anyone else. This was especially true with his wife, who he confessed was honoring him the entire time, he just couldn't see it.

It all got me thinking about my relationship with my parents. I grew up with a non-existent relationship with my parents, and my family for that matter. In my head, they were just the people I lived with. Nothing more, nothing less. It wasn't until I moved out of the house and away from my family that I began to develop a loving relationship with each person in my family. My mom and I have come a long way in the past 3 years in our relationship. But as I sat listening to my pastor talk about honor, I realized that even now I don't honor my mother.

I grew up thinking my mom was stupid. Little things she would do would frustrate me and I always wished she would be smarter or use her head. Her tendency towards forgetfulness drove me up a wall and when she didn't do things that I thought were common sense, I wanted to punch her in the face. Hence why we didn't have a relationship growing up. Thinking about it on Sunday, it occurred to me that my entire family has the same kind of attitude towards my mother. Especially my sister Elise, my brother Scott, and I think even my dad (we all are the same personality type, in contrast with my mother's and my sister Candace's personalities). In times of frustration, we all lash out at my mother because we see each other do it.

Not only should I not lash out at my mother in times of frustration, I shouldn't talk down to her or condescend to her. I shouldn't think that she is stupid or believe that somehow I think at a higher level than her. I even get mad when she suggests that she understands something more than me, that's how stupid I think she is. It's not right, it's not Christian, it's not fair, it's not loving.

One of the verses Paul used on Sunday was 1 Peter 5:5-6

"Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He might exalt you."

Exhibiting humility corresponds with showing honor. I can't think of myself as higher up on the hierarchy than my mother, it's not biblical.

I wish Paul had continued in this passage, because I think it's huge what the next few verses say.

"casting all your anxieties on Him for He cares for you."
- 1 Peter 5:7

All the stresses and frustrations that come along with humbling myself can be thrown on Jesus back. A lot of times we pull this one phrase out of the passage and throw it around for any and every anxiety...which I don't think is necessarily wrong or untrue. But just understand what this little phrase is saying, right here in this passage! Humbling myself is painful. It's stressful. It means laying myself on the ground for people to kick me in the face and gut all day long. It means biting my tongue hard when I want to make someone else feel like dirt for what they did or said to me. It's worrying about someone else's life even while they are trying to destroy mine. All the anxieties that humbling myself entails can be laid at the cross. God doesn't just throw us into a war as kamikazes. He doesn't give us this command and then let us sink. He's right here with us, showing us a better way because He cares so much for us He doesn't want us stuck in the bondage of hate and bitterness.

"Be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."
- 1 Peter 5:8

This is how Satan devours you! By convincing you that it's a dog eat dog world out there, that you have to push people down before they push you down. By humbling yourself before others, by showing them honor no matter how they treat you, you are effectively slamming the door on Satan's nose and pushing real hard for effect.

"Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."
- 1 Peter 5:9

You are not alone in this. Every single person on the planet has this battle going on. Those who are not believers have already succumbed to the enemy and are now POW. Those of us who are believers may still be in the dark and struggling or have had this truth revealed to them and are fighting it as hard as they can. It takes the strongest person alive to hold their tongue and allow someone else to tear us limb from limb. Our strength is not the world's strength. We draw our strength from Him and His love, not from the murders of those around us.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
- 1 Peter 5:10

We don't have to tear others down to receive honor. We don't have to demand that others supply us with the honor and respect and recognition we desire. If we humble ourselves, if we show honor to others without worrying about them showing honor to us, God will fulfill all. He will restore us after we have been cut down by those we know, He will confirm that we are special, that we are significant, and that we are loved. He will give us the strength and will to continue to humble ourselves, to plant our feet and take the next blow given to us. And He will establish us, lift us up to receive all the honor that He can bestow.

His honor is greater than any honor some silly human can give us. His glory and His praise and His acceptance is what we should seek. He is all there is, all that matters, all we need. Yet we continue to seek what He is giving us freely in other places, places that cost us dearly.

Epiphany

2010-02-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I love epiphanies. They always reveal something huge about myself or life or God or whatever and it's like AHA! The same feeling you get when you are trying really hard to remember someone's name and you finally shout it out loud...only times a bazillion. It's an awesome feeling and I love it when I have one.

But not today.

I was with a friend and she casually made the observation that I had said that I didn't like an ex boyfriend but then when we saw him later I talked with him casually and openly. Her point was that I was being "two-faced". This really really bothered me and I thought about it over and over to try and understand if I really was being two-faced. I realized that I wasn't hiding my true feelings from my ex when I saw him face to face and then revealing how I really feel to other people later. I really do have friendly inclinations towards him, although because of our history there was definitely a limit to that friendship. The problem is that I am overly loud and sarcastic when I'm around people and will often say whatever load of crap will make people laugh. So all these things I was saying to my friend, I was really saying for her benefit not because they were actually what I thought or felt. Because when it really came down to it, it was all just a load of hockey.

That in and of itself makes me feel pathetic. The fact that I have to say whatever I can to get people to laugh makes me seem like such a shallow person. But that's not even my epiphany.

I realized that I have always wanted to be pursued. I know that that sentence in and of itself seems like a "duh" statement. You just can't understand how deeply this goes or how much it has shaken me. I started thinking about all my friends over the years and the friends I have now. None of them pursue me, with a few exceptions over the years. If I didn't talk to my friends that I have now, if I didn't text them or call them or email them it would be quite a while before they thought to check and see if I'm ok. And that's not to say they're bad people or anything, that's just the state of things. I've always been the one to call them , txt them, talk to them. I do have to be honest and recognize that I do have friends that txt me fairly regularly or that I see on a regular basis and they are always warm and open with me. But they don't go out of their way to talk to me. They don't seek me out. They don't see me and just HAVE to get to know me better. Not like how I feel about them. When I meet new people, when I make new friends, all I want to do is spend time with them, talk to them, hear their hearts, get to REALLY know them. Very rarely do I come across people who feel the same about me.

Then I realized that I fall head over heels for a guy simply because he pursues me. Forget his occupation, goals in life, physical attributes, whatever. If you look over my list of men that have come and gone, they are all completely different from each other. The one and only deciding factor has always been "they want me". They are interested in me, they want to talk to me on a daily basis, they care what I'm doing or what I'm thinking.

Realizing all this makes me feel ache-y. It makes me feel tired. How pathetic do I sound? Even writing all this out, I'm wondering if I'm secretly hoping that people will read it and then pursue me more now that they know I want it. And now I feel desperate. I know that now if anyone pursues me, I'm going to think they read this and it's not going to mean anything.

At my Life Focus class we recently did our strengths and one of mine talked about needing things to be talked about in a friendly matter and that I need instructions to be given in a light, fun way. For whatever reason that sounds so childish and immature to me. While I'm driving in my car, thinking about my epiphany, my boss txted me with an overly bouncy, bright tone which just makes me think he "read my mail" so to speak and is putting on an act for my benefit.

You know the crazy thing? All this is true and yet I haven't worried about people wanting to be around me or liking me for a couple months now, ever since I gave the year to God. Because I've been immersed in Him nearly every second of every day. And this past week I've been edging out. And I can feel the difference, acutely. It feels like something's off, like my skin doesn't fit or my brain is fuzzy. There's just the huge sense of wrongness. I hate it. I want my Jesus back, I want His presence. I know that the state of mind I'm in right now is contrary to His, I know that I wouldn't be in this place if I hadn't left His side.

Jesus take my sorrow. I feel silly, like a little girl who wants someone to be her friend just because of who she is. I know it runs deeper, that I want to be seen and known for who I am, not just with friends but also romantically. It's core to my being and yet I feel so stupid for it. I don't want to be like this God. I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to sit here and think about all my friends and realize that I didn't make an impact on them. I don't want to be that girl that is loud and funny and pretty but passes out of mind as soon as she is gone. I don't want to meet people and walk away from them not changing them or not being changed. I want real relationships, I want real conversations, I want real community. God, I want You.

Passion Filled Love

2010-02-22T12:19:00.000-08:00

If what we call love does not take us beyond ourselves, it is not really love.
- Oswald Chambers

In our culture, we are encouraged and taught to follow our passions. Do what feels good when it feels good, don't miss out on any opportunity that presents itself. Fulfill your desires, look out for number 1. It is so easy for us as Christians to continue as we used to when we were in the world.

"...to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness."
- Ephesians 4:22-24

Now we have learned to control the passions of our flesh, to not indulge ourselves simply because we can or we want to. To look out for others first rather than ourselves. But one thing I think we've missed entirely is the passion we are supposed to have for Christ.

Christ is our Husband. He is our Romancer, our Lover. Our most intimate thoughts are known by Him, so why is it when we purpose to spend time with Him we try to make it so structured and devoid of feeling? Like it's something we have to do rather than something we can do. Why do we love Him out of duty rather than out of sheer passion? Is it wrong to be infatuated with our Lord? Is it wrong to long for His presence, His touch, His voice, His love?

In our human relationships we tend to give ourselves away very quickly I think. Or maybe that's just me. I'll fall in love with anyone and everyone if I'm given 5 minutes. I'm the kind of person that loves to be in love and it's why I've been hurt so much in the past. But the point is that I can be so consumed with the existence of a man in my life, why do I shy away from it with Christ? It's like subconsciously I've decided that my relationship with Christ is supposed to follow a checklist, be very structured, and involve my obedience above all else. Which, don't get me wrong, is a huge part of my relationship with Christ...but I've got it backwards. Obedience is my joy, to do what the love of my life wants. Just like when I'm in a relationship, all I want to do is make the guy happy and I find myself completely re-arranging my life, my schedule, etc just to pick him up from work or follow him where he goes in life or make him brownies as a surprise. Why has the thought never crossed my mind to do this with Christ?

Recently I've been yearning so much for Christ. I'm starting to look forward to going home, to crawl into bed with Christ and tell Him about my day and fall asleep to Him holding me in His arms. I used to be bothered by the fact that Christ couldn't physically hold me, because that's a big thing to me in a relationship. My love language is touch, if people aren't hugging me or holding my hand or touching my shoulder I want to crawl into a hole and die. So silly of me that I thought God couldn't hold me! He's freaking creator of the universe, He can do whatever He wants.

It's just so hard to explain how I feel about Christ. Every day the intimacy grows. Every day I love Him more. Every day I think of new ways that He provides for me. Every day I see His hand working in my life. Every day He talks to me. Every day I find that no one can even come close. Every day I treasure being single just a little bit more. Every day I spontaneously start thanking God for anything and everything.

How can I say what He means to me? Words can't do it. Actions can't do it. You will never know, maybe because I can't elucidate it for you or maybe because I am jealous and want to keep it all for myself, to treasure these little things in my heart like Mary.

"But Mary treasured up all these things, and pondered them in her heart."
- Luke 2:19

Mush for Brains

2010-02-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

The past few days I've been some kind of sick. Nothing that I can really put my finger on, just feeling weird and awkward in my own body I guess. The most frustrating for me has been that my brain has been all muddled. During one of my breaks at work I went to study/read like I always do. I look forward to these times, because I don't get any other time to read and I loooooooove reading. But I could not read any of my books! I carry several around with me to read as my whim dictates and I always pick at least one of them. I even had a magazine with me, and yet none of them could keep my attention more than 5 seconds. I was at Panera bread, one of my favorite restaurants, and all of a sudden I didn't want to be there anymore. So I drove to my park that I go to sometimes to relax and wasn't comfortable with my view from my parking spot so I picked another parking spot. Well then I couldn't relax because people were walking their dogs. So I drove to work and sat in the parking lot.

It's just been weird. I'm never like this. And then at work I found I tried to push my sickness as far as I could. I was legitimately sick but I dunno I just felt like I was trying to subtly manipulate situations so that people felt sorry for me. So stupid. So childish. So pathetic and needy.

Recently I've been feeling restless. I need change in my life consistently or I go crazy. I'm a weird mix of contradictions, I need my routine desperately but I also need things changing. I need to wake up every morning at 6am and go through my morning routine but when I go to work I need things to be different whether it's different every day or only once in a while. I noticed my restlessness before I got sick and it started to worry me. I know myself pretty well at this point, and I know that I'm bound to do something crazy when I get restless. Like quit my job. Shave my head. Move to India. That kind of crazy. And being sick the past few days hasn't helped. Yesterday I was thinking about how tired I am of working and how I have this subtle yet constant dread of going to work. It's not the job. I have an amazing job. My boss is awesome and even the one girl I had so much trouble working with has seemed to accept me. Things with my job are great. It's me. I have this unease deep in me that I can't seem to shake.

Yesterday on my break I pulled out my Oswald Chambers book and this is the first thing I read:

When it comes to taking the initiative against drudgery, we have to take the first step as though there were no God. There is no point in waiting for God to help us - He will not. But once we arise, we find He is there.

Aaaaaaaaaagh, but God I don't WANT to take initiative against drudgery. I want to just escape the feeling. I want to just quit my job and then I won't dread it anymore. The problem when I get to this point is reason goes completely out the window. I don't care that I'll be without a job. I don't care that I'll probably break all relational ties that I have with my boss and coworkers now. I don't care that God has put me there for a reason and I havent' accomplished that reason yet. I just think about how I feel right now and think about working there for the rest of the year and I just want out. I feel trapped.

So I'm looking for safe ways to be crazy. A tattoo for instance. The issue with that one is WHAT do I get and can I really justify spending the money on one? And I don't know if I can control myself with that either since I want tattoo sleeves and given the opportunity I'd probably go for them aaaaaaand then I wouldn't be able to work at my job anymore. Kind of a round about way of not having to deal with my unease anymore. I think the safest thing is to get a haircut. Andrew's mom still cuts mine for free and I can go crazy there.

The new thing that I thought of last night was that God is my husband...and my husband probably wants a say in how I cut my hair. And as soon as I thought that, I realized that I had been thinking about needing a change and needing to do something crazy and I hadn't even once thought to talk to God about it. That's been another thing that has changed since I've been sick. I have felt so distant from God. I couldn't focus on Him. I couldn't focus on anything. I'm still having issues. I tried to sit down and blog so many times and I couldn't get more than one or two sentences out. I don't like this feeling!

I guess the thing to do is to remember that God provided this job for me, that He has blessed me with it. I'm here for a reason, whether I'm supposed to make in impact on my coworkers or customers or whether I'm supposed to learn and grow from it. I can't throw a gift from my Husband away or not fully appreciate it. He's with me everyday, He'll know if I put it in the attic or use it with a distasteful air. God created me. He knows exactly what I'm feeling right now, He understands it better than anyone else can. So it makes sense that He knows the solution, He knows how to make me better. I just have to seek Him, pushing past all the mush in my head and my restlessness and what I want. He never leaves me and He's waiting for me to come to Him again.

Lent

2010-02-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow starts Lent. I've grown up Baptist and the only contact I've had with Lent is my Catholic Grams mentioning it and once some family friends came over to our house with ash all over their foreheads. I had seen it as part of the storyline in several fiction books set in Medieval times but all I remember is that they ate a lot of lentils.

So at the first I'm thinking "Lent is weird". Which does nothing to dissuade me from participating, because I love weird things. But it does hinder me from understanding the significance of the practice. I still don't completely understand it, but have gathered that it is a time of fasting from something that completely takes our hearts and minds off our Creator so that we have more time to devote to Him as we prepare our hearts for the celebration of Easter.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. Scared to give up what I'm used to , what I hold on to. It'll be different. It'll be a change. It'll be hard. I'm giving up 2 things for Lent, meat and facebook. Meat because I want to honor God with my body and I love to overeat on meat way too much. I've even come to notice that sometimes my mind is completely focused on my next meal or dreaming about my next meal...I'm pretty sure I've wasted days of my life on such thinking. And facebook for the obvious reasons. It steals my life away. I don't have much down time, but when I do the very seconds are precious. But those seconds are too often squandered on facebook.

I've been justifying myself with eating so much meat by saying that I'm not spending any money...most of the time it's free food. Ok, but while I'm gorging myself on this "free food" my thoughts are completely on myself. And usually, on the NEXT time I get to gorge myself. What about people who don't have access to free food, or to a lot of meat and rich foods? Is it fair for me to take advantage of it when it is presented to me, if I don't need it? The world would tell me yes. It is always ok to take advantage of something or someone if they present the opportunity. Well I say no more. My thoughts are extremely easy to get sidetracked and I want to be physically and mentally capable to wrestle them where they need to be.

I justify facebook because I can't get on it very often. But when I only have 1 free hour for the day to get 29384729374 million things done, and I end up surfing facebook and looking at everyone' s pictures and status updates and writing on people's walls, soon I find that not only have I used up my free hour but I've stolen another hour from things I was supposed to be responsible for. Again, the world would say that I deserve some down time, that I work hard and I should indulge myself or take care of myself. LIES AND FALSITIES.

Both of these fasts are to remind myself how much I listen to the world over my Lord and Saviour. It's going to be so hard, because I know these lies are ingrained deep within my heart and wound all the way through my habits. But fasting from meat and facebook for a month or so is easy compared to the struggles people deal with everyday. I am so blessed just to have the opportunity to fast from these things!!!

There's a cry in my heart, for Your glory to fall, for Your presence to fill up my senses. There's a yearning again, a thirst for discipline, a hunger for things that are deeper. Could You take me beyond? Could You carry me through? If I open my heart, could I go there with You? For I've been here before, yet I know there's still more. Oh Lord, I need to know You.
- "Cry in My Heart" Starfield

Imagination

2010-02-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

Imagination is a powerful tool. But it is also kind of silly. I think a lot of adults consider imagination to be a child's plaything. I get an image of Spongebob making a rainbow with his hands and saying "IIIIMMAAAAGINAAATIOOON". While not all adults would consider imagination only for children, I think a lot of them would say that it has no place in our spiritual walk with Christ. I know I have struggled to understand how imagination could enhance my walk with Christ. Aren't I supposed to condemn anything that is not completely and utterly true in my life? Aren't I not to waste my thoughts on things that aren't real?

Everything about us is God given. We are created in His image. How do you think God created all the animals and plants and bugs? He imagined what they would look like. Not only did He imagine what they would look like, He imagined all the intricate details of their biology and anatomy and chemical structure and psychology. He imagined how they would interact with the world around them and how they would benefit off each other. He imagined it and then He created it. So I believe imagination is completely spiritual.

The problem is sin has perverted everything that is good. Now imagination has been tacked on with all the negative. At it's best, it's considered only good for making children's programs and used in daycares. At it's worst, it's used in making the most graphic and disturbing horror movies or in pornos. And so I think Christians have kind of subconsciously decided that imagination is bad and have worked hard not to use it.

Imagination allows me to see God's face in a sunset. Imagination allows me to envision prayers being answered. Imagination let's me feel God wrap His arms around me at night when I go to bed. Imagination helps me get through a really tough day by visualizing God picking me up and holding me. Imagination goes crazy when I'm in a worshipful spirit and can see Him everywhere I look.

The real test of spiritual focus is being able to bring your thoughts and your imagination under control. Is your mind focused on the face of an idol? Is the idol yourself? Is it your work? Is it your idea of what a servant should be, or maybe your experience of salvation and sanctification? ... It is God you need. Go beyond yourself and away from the faces of your idols and away from everything else that has been blinding your thinking, your imagination.
- Oswald Chambers

Imagination is important to our spiritual walk. It's important to my relationship with Christ. Whatever is hindering from using my imagination in a way that is holy and pleasing to the Lord has got to go, because it's keeping me from my God. Oswald Chambers says that it is more important to be broken bread and poured out wine when you are alone, in intercession for other people than it is to be broken bread and poured out wine in your relationship with other people. That really pulls me up. I have been working so hard to be a servant to those around me, that I have not been in prayer or intercession for them. And I certainly have not been broken bread or poured out wine. But that's how it's supposed to be isn't it? We should be pouring ourselves out to God since He is the focus of our hearts and our lives and our souls. It makes sense that I should be poured out in His presence first to be efficiently poured out in people's lives.

Feed the Hungry

2010-02-09T05:10:00.000-08:00

Here's a new thought for you. A new concept. A new approach. A new way to look at things.

We are to pour ourselves out for others and/or allow them to feed on us until they learn to feed on God instead. We are to be emptied for others and filled up by the Holy Spirit. We are to "feed His sheep" with what they need to not starve. We know what that is. We know the power of that spiritual food. We feast on it everyday. What we don't always remember is we feast on it in order to be filled up and feed everyone else. We were created to be poured out. We were created to be spiritually exhausted so that He can replenish us.

The process of being broken bread and poured out wine means that you have to be the nourishment for people's souls until they learn to feed on God.
- Oswald Chambers

We can't be stingy. We can't worry about spiritual obesity or whether we should plan for a spiritual drought. We have to provide the feast every single day for those that will come and eat. Because tomorrow may not come for us. Today could be our last chance to feed those who are hungry. We can't worry about presentation or formal dining rules. It's a first come, first serve buffet line of inexhaustible and replenishable food. Some will dine daintily while others throw themselves headfirst onto the table. We should pray for those that dive. Those are the ones who have recognize their need and embraced the only way to fulfill it. Those are the people who are going to listen when we direct them to the Eternal Flow of food.

Continually look back to the foundation of your love and affection and remember where your Source of power lies.
- Oswald Chambers

I don't fully understand this, although I know it's true. Conceptually I get it. Practically I don't, not really. How am I food? What exactly do people feed off of? And how do I lead them to feed from the Source?

We owe it to God to be our best for His lambs and sheep, as well as for Him.
-Oswald Chambers

I guess the point is that I have to always be completely and totally dependent on Him, always seeking my satisfaction and fulfillment from Him. Not only for my own benefit, because that is the only way to live, but also for others. So that they can feed off of me and eventually feed off of Him just like I am. I'm not just affecting myself when I fall off track or when I get my fulfillment form other sources...I'm affecting those in my life that need God's nourishment.

Lent

2010-02-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

This entire week has been a struggle. It's seemed like I've had more tendency to complain or to feel tired or anxious or scared. I have been waking up an hour and a half late every morning, if not later, and so have been thrown off my schedule every day. I'm missing out on my Jesus. I'm losing contact with Him. And I think I finally figured out why...I've been eating a ton of junk lately. There's this thing called a "food hangover." When you go to sleep, your body stops digesting. So if you eat a lot of junk that sits in your stomach or you eat right before you go to bed, when you wake up your body has to start digesting again. It makes you feel sluggish and exhausted in the morning. Which is exactly how I've been feeling and I think it's why I've been oversleeping. My body is tired of digesting crap!

But there are a lot of things in my life that have been slowly creeping in and are edging and pushing and making themselves a bigger part of my heart than they should be. I'm spending way too much time just playing around on facebook. I'm indulging myself way overboard with food. My entire satelite self is slowing being misaligned. I'm complaining more, my language is getting full of wasted words, I'm seeking validation,

Lent is a season of soul-searching and repentance. It is a season for reflection and taking stock. Lent originated in the very earliest days of the Church as a preparatory time for Easter, when the faithful rededicated themselves and when converts were instructed in the faith and prepared for baptism. By observing the forty days of Lent, the individual Christian imitates Jesus’ withdrawal into the wilderness for forty days.
- Reverend Ken Collins.

This year, Paul Mints (my pastor) has asked our church to celebrate Lent. I'm excited because I know the end result is to be closer to God. I'm excited because I am not happy with where I am right now and I know it is because of my own actions.

Dejection stems from one of two sources - I have either satisfied a lust or I have not had it satisfied...it is impossible to be well physically and be dejected.
- Oswald Chambers

That's exactly how I feel. Dejected. And it is because I have been indulging and satisfying the lusts of my heart instead of surrendering completely to my Lord Jesus Christ.

Are we prepared to pay the price of sanctification? The cost will be a deep restriction of all our earthly concerns, and an extensive cultivation of all our godly concerns. Sanctification means to be intensely focused on God's point of view. It means to secure and to keep all the strength of our body, soul, and spirit for God's purpose alone.
- Oswald Chambers

I can't wait for Lent. There is so much weighing me down from jumping into His arms. There is so much just plain wrong with life right now. I can't wait until February 17th to feel His embrace again. God I want You near, I want You here, I want You now. I need You above everything else.

For my own personal and spiritual growth, I want to abstain from meat. I want to eat fresh, healthy foods and get out of this perpetual food hangover. When Lent comes, I will give up facebook. This way, when it is time for Lent my body will be purged and the time I will have since I won't be on facebook I can fully give to God because I won't be dragging.

"For what do I have if I don't have You Jesus, what in this life can mean anymore. You are my rock, You are my glory, You are the lifter of my head."
- "Cry of My Heart", Starfield

Burn Us Up

2010-02-06T08:52:00.000-08:00

"They looked to Him and said Burn us up Burn us up Burn us up Oh King won't you burn us in the furnace of Your desire. We give up, we give up. Oh King won't You burn us in the furnace of Your desire. Won't you throw us in the fire. You are able to deliver from the fire of affliction. You're not an image of gold, You're the God of all. Come and save us, we are Yours. But even if You dont, we will burn."
- "Burn Us Up", Shane and Shane

Are you ready? There's fire coming. There's pain and affliction and struggle. It's hard and it's dirty and it's messy. There will be no end in sight. Surrender will seem like the only option. There will be no light, only suffocating darkness. Are you ready?

God's calling you deeper. He's calling you closer. He's calling you to the altar, to be burned up and consumed. He's calling you to allow the chaff to rise to the surface and be destroyed. He's calling you to purge yourself of the poisons and toxins that have permeated your heart. He's calling you to hurt, to yearn for relief, to push yourself further and further past the point of exhaustion.

"Lord I wanna yearn for You, I wanna burn with passion over You, and only You. Lord I wanna yearn for You, I wanna burn with passion over You, and only You. Lord I wanna yearn."
- "Yearn", Shane and Shane

This doesn't come over you unwillingly. You have to ask for it. You have to will it to happen. You can't feel for it or want it. You have to make the decision. You have to say "Lord, put me in the fire." And when that fire comes, you have to let it burn. You have to endure the pain, looking to the only One who fulfills and sustains you for help to persevere.

You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents - elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God.
- Oswald Chambers

I want to surrender to the fire, I want to be burned up. I want everything that isn't directly tied to God to be thrown away and forgotten. But I'm scared. Scared of the process, scared of what I'll lose, scared of what it will mean to let go of all these things.

God give me courage. I trust You because You said You will never leave me or forsake me. I know You will be with me through this. You said You work all things together for my good. I know You will bring me through to greener pastures. I know that whatever You have planned for me, I need to be prepared for and to do so I need to go through the fire. Maybe even through the fire several times to burn off all the chaff. I am ready Holy Spirit. Send Your fire.

Are You Willing?

2010-02-05T05:40:00.000-08:00

"If I am poured out as a drink offering on the sacrifice and service of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you."
- Philippians 2:17

I think this is a huge part of our Christian walk, to pour ourselves out and not just for the spread of the gospel or in our private times with God. We also need to pour ourselves out for fellow believers, to support their ministries. Primarily we pour ourselves out to God, because He is our provider and our protector and our lover and our supplier. Pouring ourselves out to Him ensures that we can pour ourselves out to everyone else. Secondly we pour ourselves out to non-believers. Paul Mints, the pastor at my church, calls this Invest and Invite. You invest in someone's life or pour yourself out to show them the love and acceptance they can find in Christ and then invite them to explore who God is and what He wants for them. But finally, and I think maybe this one is missed, we are to pour ourselves out to our fellow believers and their ministries.

The problem I think is that we are essentially selfish creatures. A friend gets a call or confirmation from God and is really excited about what is coming. We may share in that excitement but not prayerfully consider joining and supporting our friend's ministry. We have our own ministries to deal with right? Our own agendas, however spiritual they may be. Or if we do jump on our friend's bandwagon, perhaps it is because we see the great potential in it and we want to be in there from the beginning, if we can't claim to be called to it directly from God.

Are you willing to sacrifice yourself for the work of another believer - to pour out your life sacrificially for the ministry and faith of others? Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket - to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted - not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?
- Oswald Chambers

I confess that I struggle with this. I want to be recognized. I want attention. I want spotlight. I want my story to be heard. When I worship, I want people to see me and be amazed at how I worship. When I speak, I want people to take note to what I say. I want someone to think my story is amazing and want to tell everyone about me. I want to be that person that is asked to share during one of the sermons. I want someone to listen to my ideas for ministry and provide funding/support to help me get it started.

I feel very pathetic admitting that. But it is true, I am constantly aware of everyone around me and constantly want to be noticed by them. God is showing me in this year how to be satisfied completely in Him and not be desperate for human attention every second of every day. But the stronghold hasn't been broken and I am still fighting the battle.

I did reach a place recently where I could honestly say I wanted to be completely poured out for whatever purpose God had for me, that I just wanted Him. I'm not sure how I got out of that place or how to get back other than to just seek Him. But I want to get back. I think maybe I'm holding onto myself again which is what's stopping me.

"It's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly."
- Sanctus Real, "Whatever Your Doing"

Mark 10

2010-02-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

v1-12

The pharisees always try to trap Jesus with really tricky questions. They're always prepared with a way to discredit him, no matter which side he takes on the issue. But they underestimate him. Because they think he's just a man and not the Saviour of the world who not only can see them coming from miles away with their little "trap" but also knows all the answers to all the questions of the world. Funny to me to think of these men hiding away, being all secretive, and having meetings to try and find a way to bring him down.

The pharisees are expecting Jesus to either condemn divorce, at which point they pull out this law that Moses gave (who the Jewish community reveres highly) and if he approves then they would have pulled out some law that condemns divorce. But Jesus does neither...or rather he does both. He acknowledges the law that Moses gave but shows that it was not because it was right or because that's how God had originally planned it, but it was created because of the hardness of hearts of the Israelites. He then goes on to say that marriage is sacred and what God has joined together let no man tear asunder. No matter what the marriage is, between whichever man and woman, God has blessed it and brought it together. No matter how unequally yoked the couple may be, God's plan is that they remain together for life. The cool thing is, no matter what the problem between the couple, God is all powerful to rectify it. Whether its abuse, missionary marriage, pride, finances, what have you, God's plan is to heal the hurt and bring the two into more love for each other and for Him. God does not just condemn someone to marriage for life and say "you chose him/her, now live with it." He does however urge us to seek counsel and be very careful who we marry, for our own sakes. Because if we marry someone that complements us well, there is less pain and strife later on in the marriage. When the marriage is not mutual love and respect for each other, there will be a lot of misery over the years as the two try to work through their issues with each other.

v13-16

Why do the disciples keep the children from Jesus? This thought is so strange to me, maybe because the picture of Jesus surrounded by children is such a beautiful picture to me. In a lot of ways, children are revered in our culture. We model our lives around them. When a child is born, it changes everything. Goodbye school, goodbye career, we've got a kid now! Some people love it, some people hate it. But I believe the culture back then was a lot different and children were kind of like half-people until they hit 13 and became adults.

So it's a huge thing that Jesus stopped everything to specifically minister to and love on these children. Of course, Jesus did this all through out his ministry. He was always stopping and investing time and heart into those that his culture sneered at. Prostitutes, tax collectors, drug dealers, the lame, the dying, the lepers, the homeless, the gross, the unlean, the socially inept, the possessed, the weirdos, and of course the children. I imagine Christ surrounded by children, women barely clothed with lots of makeup, young men in black with tattoos and piercings and crazy haircuts, old men dressed in rags with long nasty beards, those awkward people we all know and avoid from school or work, the tax collectors in their armani suits and cell phone ear pieces.

I love that last verse. "And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them."

v17-31

My heart breaks for this guy. He's lived his entire life focusing on doing the right thing. I bet he was the best boyfriend and the best son. I bet he always told the truth no matter what the circumstance and never once took advantage of someone. I bet everyone in his town trusted him and I bet he became rich simply because he was such a good guy and people opened doors for him. He's a regular Clark Kent.

But he based his life on being good. So when the opportunity to be great is offered to him, and he realizes he has to sacrifice everything that he has done his entire life, he can't do it. His entire focus has been on doing the right thing, which has then accumulated him many relationships and material possessions. To follow Christ, he has to surrender everything he has and everything he is in order to be filled with the Holy Spirit. But after 30 years of being consumed by good works, he found that he couldn't get free.

Jesus brings in a new era. He takes everything and flips it around to its true nature, away from the perversions of the world. It is not the man who is the most good or the most blessed that will inherit the kingdom of God but rather the man who gives up everything he has and does not worry about appearing good in man's eyes.

v35-45

This absolutely cracks me up. These two guys, James and John, think they can sit at the right hand and left hand of God. They're brothers, maybe even twins, and I have a feeling everything has been a competition for them. So they're bantering back and forth about who Jesus loves more and who is more important and who could sit on whichever side of Jesus throne.

Retards.

Jesus tries to hint to them that they're asking an impossible question. "Are you able to drink the cup that I drink?" meaning be crucified and take on the sins of the world. And of course, the two dummies say "We are able." If they only knew what they were saying! They have all this bravado and think they are indestructible. I bet Jesus chuckled and shook his head and just walked away from them, to let them figure it out the hard way.

Imagine how much of a shock it would be after the crucifixion when they realize that Jesus had asked if they were ready to die for the sins of the world...when they finally realized, really realized, what Jesus had meant. Imagine their horror at their presumption at their own abilities. What a humbling experience.

v46-52

Oh that we were all like Bartimaeus. To cry out for God without regard to cultural norms or what's socially acceptable.

Imagine people actually telling someone to shut up, because they heard Jesus nearby and they are desperate to be healed of an affliction they've had their whole life. How hard are their hearts? How focused on the WRONG thing!

I love how Jesus would always heal them of their physical afflictions...but also of their spiritual afflictions. He doesn't just give him his sight back...he heals his heart. Because that's why Jesus came! He's not simply a miracle worker or a carnival performer. It's not just about the flash and the bang. It's not about doing the impossible, casting out demons or healing the blind. It's about saving their souls...saving their lives. Because they are so far gone, they don't even know they need to be saved.

So Much More

2010-02-01T10:49:00.001-08:00

We are not called to be holy men and women of God. We are not called to do good works or to love people or any other task you can think of. We are designed to love our Saviour and to empty ourselves out to be filled with Him. We are designed to love Him. We are called to preach the gospel.

"Therefore go and make disciples, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And lo, I am with you always even unto the end of the age."
-Matthew 28:19-20

The call is to spread the gospel. We are designed to love God and when we follow our design we will find that all these other things that we think are our call, that we are supposed to focus on completing are actually natural consequences of how we are created. When we love God, we become holy men and women of God. When we love God, we love people. When we love God, we are continually doing "good works". The focus of our lives, the thing we strive for and work towards, our 8-5 full time job is to share the gospel.

We get too focused on being a Christian that we forget our purpose. We aren't supposed to focus on ourselves and our own holiness. We shouldn't sit here for hours or days trying to figure out God's calling on our life or whether or not we are hearing from God or from our own thoughts or from Satan. Yes, these things are important and no I'm not saying we should ignore them completely or that it's sinful to meditate on them. I'm saying we're getting things backwards. We don't focus on ourselves and our own lives and then when we feel like we're fixed or we have it figured out we go out and invest in people. It's the other way around! We go out and invest in people and then find that we know exactly when we hear from God, we don't have to think or concentrate to be holy, and God's call on our life is exactly what we are doing!

The one passion of Paul's life was to proclaim the gospel of God. He welcomed heartbreak, disillusionment, and tribulation for one reason - these things kept him unmovable in his devotion to the gospel of God...Paul was not overly interested in his own character...Paul was not conscious of himself. He was recklessly abandoned, totally surrendered, and separated by God for one purpose - to proclaim the gospel of God..."For I wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, my kinsmen according to the flesh."
- Oswald Chambers, Romans 9:3

Your way...or God's way?

2010-01-29T14:37:00.000-08:00

Are you determined to have your own way in living for God?
- Oswald Chambers

I can't follow God's will my way. It has to be His way. I can't obey how I want to, I have to obey how He wants me to.

By doing things my way, I'm giving God the finger. I'm doing what He asks me to do, but doing it my way. I'm disobeying while I'm obeying.

I'm persecuting Jesus. I'm punching Him in the gut. I'm smearing mud on His face. And it absolutely breaks my heart now that I realize I'm doing it.

There is no escape when our Lord speaks.
- Oswald Chambers

I hear you Lord. I'm sorry for ignoring You this week. Break me of my stubborn will. I choose to obey completely and totally. I give up all my plans and ideas on how to obey You and instead ask that You direct me in my obedience. I want to love You more than life. I want You near me again.

The Woman I Want to Be

2010-01-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

There's this growing picture in my head of the woman I want to be. It's not an unrealistic goal, in fact I think it's a very biblical goal and feel that its who God wants me to be as well. It saddens me that I'm not that woman yet. I wish I was. But I think God is working to grow me to that woman. In so many ways, I'm still a girl. There's a lot of steps to take.

The woman I imagine in my head has a quiet strength. She is not loud and obnoxious about her opinions, but you know that she doesn't stray a centimeter from her beliefs. She radiates joy and love all the time and you can always tell when she has come from time directly with her Maker. She loves freely, taking anyone in who needs it. She gives sacrificially, without a second thought, not worrying about her own needs at all. She enjoys people and social gatherings, but treasures her study and prayer times. I imagine her with a home that is full of rooms, everything having a meaning. Every candle, every picture, every piece of furniture is a reminder of Who rules the world or of how He has provided for her. Everything about the home draws people in and it is almost never empty. There are children of all ages, from all kinds of backrounds. There are homeless, there are runaways, there are people seeking refuge, and there are professionals coming to seek companionship and training. It's the true sense of community, with this woman at the core of it. Not demanding respect, not pushing leadership, but naturally the behind the scenes leader. Someone that everyone feels comfortable talking to. Someone that everyone comes to with questions, for advice, or a funny story. A real mother to whoever needs one, a real friend to whoever wants one.

This is my heart desire. Past everything else I may want, this rings louder than anything else. I want to be that woman. And so it pains me any time I allow myself to slip into someone else, someone dictated by the people around me. When I slip into gossiping, or allow myself to cuss for effect, or focus on earthly goals I can feel something in me dying.

"Therefore, since there are so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside the weight and sin which clings so closely and run with endurance the race set before us, looking to Jesus the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
- Hebrews 12:1-2

2010-01-21T05:31:00.000-08:00

It's weird when every morning isn't a revelation. It's weird when I'm not excited to wake up, when I struggle to keep my mind on my time with God. Well, it didn't use to be weird. It used to be the norm. But now that I've experienced such a full and rich time with God, it seems completely out of place.

But I know that there are dry spells in any relationship. There are times with friends when we go a month or two without talking, just because we had run out of things to talk about. We had seen each other too much and then after a month of living our own lives, we can come back to the friendship fresh. Not that I think this is what should happen in my walk with Christ. I don't think taking a break would make things better in the future. I am simply recognizing that the dry spell I feel in my spiritual relationship is congruent with my relationships with everyone else.

It's a chore to obey. It's a chore to read through my devotionals, to pray about things I know I should, to memorize the verses I have committed to memorizing. I don't seem to glean as much from things as I used to. It seemed like every sentence I read, God as speaking directly to me. I don't feel His presence anymore. I used to feel the Holy Sprit around me almost constantly. That feeling is gone now.

I know that He hasn't left me. I know that He never will. I know that He is still leading me and guiding me. I just have to work harder to be with Him, I have to seek Him more. It's hard because not only do I feel distance from Him, I feel apathy in my own heart. Or maybe contentment is the better, nicer way to say it. I'm fine where I'm at, doing what I'm doing, going on with my life. Why should I push for something I don't feel right now?

A friend on facebook put this on his status

When I read the lives of most of the great saints they didn’t necessarily feel very close to God. When I read the Psalms I get the feeling like David and the other Psalmists felt quite far away from God for most of the time. Closeness to God is not about feelings, closeness to God is about obedience
And so there is my answer. Feeling close to God has nothing to do with anything. It's like an added benefit, a nice consequence of following Him. But it is not the decider of our faith. Obey, even when you don't feel like it.

Prophetic dream?

2010-01-18T08:05:00.000-08:00

I never dream. Or rather, I should say I never REMEMBER my dreams since it is a scientific fact that everyone dreams. When I wake up, occasionally I'll feel as if I should remember the dream or I'll remember a certain person that was in it or things along those lines. All wisps that disappear as soon as I think of them. I remember my dream from last night.

I'm at Coal Vine's, except that the building is different than the real one. Looks more like a coffee shop than a restaurant. Anyway, I'm working and I see outside a car speed up quickly and park nanometers from the back of my car, squealing the brakes. I see a guy get out and hurry towards the front door. I turn around and start walking away because I don't want to deal with whoever he is and tell the others I work with "Here comes a douchebag" (I know, I have such a lovely vocabulary). Anyway he walks in and I'm off to his right. He immediately walks to the cash register, pulls out a small gun, and demands for all our money. He's pointing the gun at the poor girl who happened to be standing next to the register. At this point I am positioned directly behind him. I feel frozen with my eyes wide open. My boss Jeff comes in from the back and we connect eyes. All I can do is give him the most shocked expression I have. He starts talking to the man with the gun in a calm voice, assuring him that we are getting him the money and motioning the girl to do whatever he says. Jeff's goal is to give him whatever he wants so he won't hurt anyone.

The man is young, of small stature, and Indian. He is acting very frantic and nervous the whole time, eyes wide, sweat running down his face, his eyes flicking every few seconds. As Jeff is talking to him and the girl is getting the money, I jumped at him and wrapped him in my arms. There is a brief struggle which lands me face to face with him, my arms still wrapped tightly around him. He's now only inches away from my face, with his gun pushing firmly against the back of my skull. Through this Jeff is exclaiming in the backround, saying things like "No Sarah" and "I had it taken care of" and the like. Because he was worried about his employees lives. But I was worried about this man's life.

His face is shaking and his eyes are even wider. I had taken him by surprise and although he knew that he should shoot me, he wasn't sure if he should. He was still working it out in his brain. He didn't expect anyone to come at him. That's when I started talking. I said "If you shoot me, I'm going to heaven. I will be eternally happy, I will never hurt again, I will never fear, I will be safe and content with my Lord and Saviour and everyone I love. I will be in paradise." At that point, he gasped and sobbed out "Paradise". I took that and ran with it "Yes, paradise. You know what paradise is. You want it. You desire it. You don't have to die to live in paradise! You can have it right now! God loves you more than anyone else. He wants you to be happy, He wants you to live in His paradise!" I just kept talking and as I was talking tears are running down his face and finally he's sobbing. I'm no longer wrapped tightly around him, I'm holding him up.

I don't remember anymore of the dream, other than I remember telling him I wouldn't leave him and I'd be with him to help him and that I wanted to be with him in the police car, visit him in jail, and help him through his trial.

Whoa. What a dream.

I'm not evangelistic by nature. I love people. I care for them. I want to love on them, cry for them, etc. But I don't really lean towards evangelizing to them. So this dream is very different for me.

Oswald Chambers talks about pouring ourselves out for Christ's satisfaction, that as Christians its not about serving God or about what we do for God but about pouring ourselves out to Him. I think this is hard for me to do completely.

Because I have 2 little fears in the back of my brain. 1. What if God asks me to do something and I misinterpret and piss someone off? Or fulfill their expectation of what a Christian is supposed to be like? For example, someone has a vision of Christians as pushy people and then I challenge them about living a life that is destructive...and now I've fulfilled their beliefs. Then I thought that maybe it's the person's own beliefs and issues that determine how I come across, not what God is asking me to do. 2. What if God asks me to do something that is life threatening? What if I die? I'm scared to die. Because if I die, all my hopes and dreams and plans can't happen.

I won't get married. I won't have kids. I won't finish school. I won't do mission work in other countries. I won't grow closer with my parents and siblings. I won't see my sisters and brother get married. I won't be an aunt or a grandma. I won't pay off all my debt.

So I started thinking about all my plans and dreams. I realized that I had to release those to God, every day. They can't ever be mine because I might decide NOT to obey Christ just so I don't lose my hopes and dreams. Things like getting married and having kids, those won't happen today. So I shouldn't think about them. I can grow close to my family today though. I can pay off some of my debt today. I can love people today. Those are hopes and dreams I can focus on. That is truly living as if today is my last day.

And then I started to think about it. Christ is my husband. I am already married. My children are whoever He asks me to love. My children are the people He will bring to Himself through me.

And suddenly I realized that its not about me giving up my hopes and dreams...it's realizing that He already fulfilled them.

Wake Up!

2010-01-15T05:35:00.000-08:00

This morning I read Mark 6. I'm reading my way through the gospels, going chapter by chapter to really gleen as much as I can, without having the time to actually sit down and do word study's, comparisons between translations, and translating from the original Greek.

Anyway, as I was readying Mark I started thinking about how extravagant and out of place and just plain WEIRD were all the miracles and such taking place. Thousands of people followed Jesus around, from city to city, and all throughout the countryside. He would enter a city and the entire thing would have to shut down because no one was going to work, everyone was gathering in the city square and bringing their sick and laying them on the ground. The image I get is of a makeshift Red Cross center after a huge disaster. With cots and sleeping mats littering the streets, but then it was filled with people who just came to hear Jesus so there were people filling up every gap where there wasn't a sick person laying down. I can just see Jesus walking down the rows of cots, winding his way through the people to each one so that he can have a few moments with them. Because you know he didn't just walk from person to person, touching them to heal them, and then moving on. He stopped and talked to each one.

Life stopped when Jesus entered a city. For some, the fact that he was within 100 miles meant that life stopped. People that depended on their own labor to make food and to survive dropped everything so they could hear him speak, so they could touch him for themselves, so they could be changed. Because what Jesus was doing in people's lives, whether physical or spiritual, was too gigantic to ignore. It was too real to believe was fake. It was too present to disbelieve.

Jesus sent his disciples out, with the same power he had to heal and to cast out demons. And they journeyed out, proclaiming salvation and healing and casting out demons. Now these disciples did not have the same effect that Jesus did. No one ever could. But their actions were the same. It was a time for God to become real. The people had lived for 400 years, living their natural lives without the supernatural being visible. And now that Jesus had come back, it was inevitable that the supernatural would suddenly be everywhere one turned. Whether it was Jesus, or one of his disciples, God was working. The Holy Spirit was present.

This time of bringing the supernatural to bear on the natural did not end when Jesus went back to heaven. In fact, that's when it REALLY started to get crazy. Jesus even told his disciples that they would be able to do greater things than he had done while he was on earth. Jesus had a singular purpose and had to follow the path that took him on to complete it. But the disciples would not have that same purpose. Their only goal was to "go into all the world" preaching and healing and witnessing as they went.

When Jesus left, he imparted the Holy Spirit to his disciples and the followers that would join the ranks, so to speak. The Holy Spirit is prevalent throughout the bible. But after Jesus left, the Holy Spirit began to inhabit believers, instead of being a force outside of themselves that would appear now and then. Read Acts. Crazy stuff happened in the first years of the church. Paul experienced crazy things. Paul did crazy things. It's awesome.

So here's my question. Why are we Christians so convinced that there is no more supernatural work? Why are we so certain that God does not utilize the powers and avenues that He set up before He even created us anymore? Why do we think that God only works through measurable, believable, safe ways?

Why can't God heal? Why can't God cast out demons? Why can't people be demon-possessed? Why not?

It's like we live our lives, believing that the grind is all there is. That our measly little lives are all that are real and everything else is just crazy talk. Those that believe in such things are just deceived, poor little souls. We're walking down the path of life with our eyes firmly down to the ground, only seeing the dirt underneath us. Others that have looked up start proclaiming about the beautiful scenery and we say "I don't see any scenery. This dirt underneath us is all that is real." Others start picking flowers and fruits and try to show us physical evidence and we say "That is the product of this dust underneath us. You just formed it and colored it. There haven't been any flowers or fruit for thousands of years." And the others are getting exasperated because of COURSE there have been flowers and fruits the past thousand years. We just have kept our noses to the ground and refused to see it.

Wake up people! The supernatural is real and present and active in your life, whether you open your eyes or not! The Holy Spirit is moving, people are being healed, miracles are happening! God is taking a stand and making it impossible to deny Him. Demons are real and they are all around you. They are at your work, they are at your home, and for some of you, they are in your heart and your mind. Stop being so consumed in your daily life that you scorn the special things that are happening to others.

The first church spoke in tongues, why aren't we? The first church healed people, why aren't we? The first church operated in the spiritual gifts, why aren't we? The first church lived in community with each other, why aren't we? The first church sold everything they had and counted on God to provide for them, why can't we? Where is the radical-ness that the first church had? They understood the need! They believed that Christ was coming back in their lifetime and they had to be ready...guess what! Christ is coming back in our lifetime! People get ready, Jesus is coming, soon we are going home!

The fields are white with harvest and we're too busy with our political platforms, with our work, with our marriages, with our families, with our schooling, with WHATEVER! Drop what you are doing and run out to reap the harvest! Because it's what God has called you to! and the rains are coming soon! Whatever is not harvested by that time will perish and be lost forever.

Get ready. Wake up. Wipe the sleep from your eyes. Get off your butt. Let's get out there.

Tough Cookies

2010-01-14T08:08:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a really rough day for me. Well, more specifically last night was a really rough night for me. A girl who was supposed to work was sick and was trying to find someone to work for her, even offering to pay $50 to whoever could. When she couldn't convince anyone to work for her, she called our manager to ask for help. He in turn called everyone again, only to get the same results. So then he called me (this being the 3rd time someone has asked me about it) and asked again, but in a way that I can't say no anymore. If you have a manager (which I'm sure most people do), you know exactly what I mean. Managers know how to manipulate.

As he's talking to me on the phone, I started crying. Last night was my first night off in 5 days. I had been looking forward to it all week. I had been counting down the hours as I worked the lunch shift. I had it all planned out for days in advance.

He tried to console me. He said he'd make it up to me. He'd try and give me a night off this week. He'd give me an extra night off next week. He reminded me that I had tomorrow off, the whole day, and I could do whatever I had planned to do then. He said my family would understand. He said he didn't want me to be upset. That he didn't want me to work if I was going to pissed off. He said he'd let me leave early.

He finally let me hang up the phone. I quickly clocked out and left, with tears streaming down my face, and as soon as I got in my car I started bawling. Wailing is probably more accurate.

Crying because I wouldn't be able to go to church with my family that night. Crying because I wouldn't get to see my friend Lacey who just got engaged. Crying because I couldn't go home and change into jeans. Crying because I only got a 2 hour break. Crying because I didn't have anything with me to fill up the time. Crying because nothing was going as planned. Crying because I would have to work with Paige that night. Crying because I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to work yet another double. Crying because I was already so exhausted from working and had really been depending on my day and a half break. Crying because I felt manipulated. Crying because I had already been hurt so much by my manager this week. Crying because I had left my bible at home.

It was just the last thing I could take, and I lost it. I cried most of my break, some to my coworker Emily who was also on break, some to my mom, and most by myself. I hadn't finished by the time my break was over, so I came in with red-rimmed eyes and a slight sniffle.

To Paige's credit, she did go easy on me, as I found out my manager had requested. Emily was wonderful, asking if I was ok and sharing in my "sadness". Wolf made me laugh. I even had the owner of the restaurant sit in my section and didn't mess up once. I remembered their whole complicated order and got it all out in the right order and nothing went wrong. And I did get to leave early.

Now, the morning after, I'm not as mad for having to work last night. I made it. I survived. I will get over $100 extra in this week's pay check. Emily suggested I use the money I made and use it to pamper myself, to make me feel better. I thought about it...but God has asked me to buckle down and discipline myself. He's already told me to spend less on groceries every week, that I'm buying a lot of things I don't actually need and I can feed myself with a lot less money. I don't feel its right to use that money to pamper myself, not when I still owe so much money. Not when God's called me to obedience this year.

While I survived, and I guess it really wasn't that big of a deal to work, I am still emotionally drained. Even after sleeping last night, I don't feel rested. I have so many things to get done today that I won't have time to. I have to reschedule taking my car to the shop for next week because with so much to do, I had to cancel something and that was the only one I could reschedule.

These are especially the times when I want someone to be there to comfort me. When I wish I had a husband who could hold me while I cried. I am slightly jealous of Emily in that regard since she does have a 2 year old and a husband to go home to at night. It must be a huge comfort to her to come home from a hard day at work and be able to cuddle with her son and kiss her husband.

But that desire, that used to be such a huge part of my life, is slowly dwindling. It's still there, but now my first inclination is that I want to be alone with my bible and just be with God. I find that coming home and watching Transporter 1 on the couch with my dad is just as therapeutic as coming home to a husband would be. Slowly, that desire is being shifted from a husband to my family and to God. Which is how it's supposed to be.

This is all pretty basic stuff. But it is such a revelation to me. And it is so freeing to not be tied to that "need" anymore. The loneliness alone could have killed me. I even find that I'm not analyzing potential prospects constantly like I used to.

God is changing my heart.

Coal Vine's

2010-01-13T05:24:00.000-08:00

It seems I am always in that transition phase, where I have become fully aware of an issue or problem or question that applies to my life, my brain, or my body but have not yet come into a solution. That spot where you can almost go crazy because you cannot move forward, or backward for that matter, and must instead just sit in one spot.

I wrote this little excerpt in October in 2008 and it really sums up everything I feel at this point. Except add more crying.

"And so I find myself here once again, all I know is the little plot of land I’m standing on and what I think is out there. I have no idea if there is land to the left, right, front or back of me, if I’m supposed to step out, jump out, swim out, or wait for someone to pick me up. How long will this land I’m standing on be here? It could start to give way at any second or just disappear or I could spend the rest of my life on it. I can’t see but its not because my eyes don’t work. I’m surrounded by a thick darkness that I can as much feel as not see. It’s hot and stuffy and makes thinking clearly hard. I feel my heartbeat rising and a panicky feeling grip my knees. I think I’m healthy and ready for whatever comes next but I don’t really know. I can’t remember anything other than the spot I’m in, I can’t move because the darkness has me cocooned and the only sense that I know for sure is working is that of feel, because I feel the ground I’m standing on and I feel the darkness around me. Take your shoes off for you are on holy ground."

This was the only way I could express the spot in life I found myself in and my frustration at not being able to move forward or backward. The last line is my acknowledgement that I am on holy ground, more specifically that God has me right where I am supposed to be and I am protected. The land underneath me will not fade away, the darkness will lift at some point, and I will be able to move forward again.

I find that I am struggling with work the most. (Btw, I just realized that I use the phrase "I find that" a lot...I think that I think it makes me sound smarter). I'm not sure who to be at work. Which is supposed to be a simple answer, be yourself. Well, no I can't be myself at work. I am a carefree, love everyone, don't worry about anything, fairly undisciplined individual. I cannot be an effective waitress as such, especially at the restaurant I work at. There is room for mistake, but not a whole night of them. There is room for enjoyment or happiness, but not more than a marginal amount. There is a big need for discipline, because there are a lot of etiquette and wine rules that MUST be followed at all times because of the high caliber of our clientele.

How do I remain professional and meet all the needs of my customers, yet still make their stay enjoyable by talking or smiling at them? I can't seem to do both. Either I make an effort to get to know my customers or I am their waitress who only cares about getting them the food they need and getting them out.

How do I interact with my co-workers without being influenced by their negative or un-Christian attitudes? Everyone's mood affects me, even my customers. If someone is edgy or tired or upset or angry, it will affect me. I may not adopt their same attitude but it will throw me off and make me hesitant or uncomfortable, which is an absolute sin at my job since everything must run as a well oiled machine. We are too busy for pauses.

How do I make it perfectly aware that I am a Christian and I try to live exactly as I should without coming across as a naive virgin Mary who clings to her religion as a crutch? I want to minister to the girls (and guy) I work with and I want them to see that I am someone who truly cares about people...but it is hard in the environment I work in. There is a lot of anti-Christian attitudes and while no one openly attacks or challenges me, there are a lot of jokes made about Christianity or about me that shows me that no one takes me seriously. And everytime I do something wrong, I feel like they think in their heads "Just like a Christian", like they are keeping a tally mark against me or against Christianity.

So many confused feelings. I am excited to go to work in the morning, because God boots my system up. I am happy as I set up the restaurant. But as the day progresses, it seems everything gets to me and I slowly go down hill. I have to battle the negative thoughts (and pop my rubberband a lot) and some times, like last night, I have to fight the tears. I try my hardest not to get emotional when someone gets mad or upset with me (which seems to be a daily occurence of late) so that I can listen to what they say and work to fix it and continue to help my tables...because there is no time for pausing.

There are bright points. Like Alan and Allred asking if I'm ok while I'm trying to pull myself together and helping me with my tables. Like Emily going to lunch with me on our break and sharing our discomforts with work. Like Stephanie always making it a point to tell me that I'm doing a good job. Like Callie knowing that I like to munch at work and sharing any food that she acquires with me.

I really do love my job. Not only do I make ridiculously good money, I am "rubbing shoulders" with the most famous, influential, important, and rich people in Dallas. (Can you say Cowboys players or the owner of the Rangers? Not to mention CEO's of all the big companies and owners of hotels). I have a boss, who although he is rough around the edges and hurts my feelings more than encourages them, truly does care for me and looks out for me. I believe I really am good or at least passable at my job, if I could just get over this hump I seem to be in.

Lord, You are faithful. I know that as I remain obedient to You, You will bless me. Whatever needs to happen to change my circumstances, I know You will provide. Search my heart O God and if there is anything unclean or wrong, bring it to my attention that I may cast it out. You are worthy of all praise, yesterday, today, and always.

Antichrist

2010-01-12T05:26:00.000-08:00

5 days since I last blogged.

Always a bad sign.

Not blogging means the lessons God is teaching to me aren't sticking.

It means I'm not really listening.

It means I'm struggling past attitudes and thoughts and emotions that I can't seem to combat.

It means I'm drained physically, emotionally, and mentally.

It means I'm fading.

I didn't even miss any quiet times this week. Every morning I woke up and had an hour or so with God. But my heart wasn't in it. I wasn't focused. Because I wasn't obeying in small areas and disciplining myself, and so the result was a moderate desire to be with God instead of a raging passion like it should be.

Today I read Mark 3. I'm slowly reading through the Gospels, now that I have that relationship with Christ where He speaks to me through the Word. Before, it was just stories and sentences and words. Now, it's revelation after revelation after revelation. Re-reading these passages, I'm noticing all sorts of things I never noticed before.

"How can Satan cast out Satan? If a kingdom is divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand."
- Mark 3:23b-24

God is Lord of all. He created EVERY SINGLE THING, including Satan and his minions. They all have to operate inside of the laws He has created. One of those laws is that there cannot be unity where there is fighting. My body cannot stay together if it is fighting itself, it will break down. A church cannot stand together if it's members are fighting each other. A kingdom cannot remain in the midst of a civil war. And so it is that Satan cannot cast out his demons from people. Because it would be like cutting his own arm off.

I think so often we think that Satan is the arch-nemesis of God. Rather, he is the way-ward, rebellious child who stirs up as much mischief as possible, who works actively against his Father, and whose only desire is to hurt Him as much as possible. He is not equal with God. He cannot even be in the same room as Him without being in pain, because God is so good and he is so evil. It's just like us, how as sinners we cannot stand God because He is so holy. It is Jesus' covering that allows us our communion and close relationship with Him. Satan does not have that option. Neither does he want it.

Another thing that was pointed out to me, so I don't take credit for figuring this out by myself. It says in the bible that no one knows the hour or the day when Jesus will come back, not even Jesus himself. So we know that Satan sure as hell has no idea when Jesus is coming back. We also know that Satan cannot see the future. Satan is supernatural, but extremely limited. So here's a brain nugget for you to chew on. Since Satan does not know that day or hour that Jesus will come back, he has had to have an antichrist ready at all times to jump into his role as destroyer of the world as soon as Jesus appears.

So there have been hundreds of antichrists. In fact, someone on earth, right now, is an antichrist. And when Jesus comes back, he will be THE antichrist.

Whoa.

Stick that in your juicebox and suck it.

Getting Pulled In Deeper

2010-01-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

Ever since my baptism in the Holy Spirit in September, God has been drawing me closer and closer to Himself. My relationship with Him has become more and more intimate. It seems like a snowball that keeps rolling and rolling into an avalanche! In the past couple of weeks, after God called me to recognize Him as my husband, it has just consumed me. I'm called to go deeper and deeper and deeper. I realize that I am miles ahead of where I was yesterday and yet my soul still cries out for more.

"My soul faints for the courts of the Lord. My heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."
- Psalms 84:2

I got this tattooed on my back over a year ago, in a semi-attempt to make it true to my heart. My soul didn't really faint for the courts of the Lord back then but I guess in the farthest part of my brain I hoped that by putting it permanently on my back, in the original Hebrew no less, that it would force my heart into submission. Little did I know, God would make it true for me so soon!

Every morning God wakes me up. Every morning we spend the first hour or so together. Every morning He ministers to my soul, He speaks directly to my heart, He hears my struggles and desires and answers my questions. It is amazing to me how much I am gleaning from the devotions and scriptures I read, how alive it all seems and how directly it speaks to me and how it pushes me on to search for more.

It's also really cool that what God has been teaching me and pulling me towards personally, in our own time together, He has also been teaching others. My conversations with other believers has amazed me at how parallel we all are in our walks with God. This past Sunday and Wednesday, I was floored by the messages my pastor Paul Mints gave, because they were completely in line with where I was spiritually, with what God had been ministering and teaching me in the past week or so! It makes me really excited because I know God is about to do something huge. He's aligning all the believers, getting us all on the same page so we are unified and ready as a group for whatever He throws out. GET READY DFW, GOD IS ABOUT TO ROCK YOUR WORLD!

This morning has been an AMAZING morning.

I've been struggling a little more with the loneliness factor of late. The other day I wanted so badly when I got off of work to have someone waiting for me on the couch that would hold me while I talked about my day. Very simple, something that would have lasted maybe 15 minutes...but my entire being desperately wanted it, thought I needed it. I dunno, maybe I did need it. But instead of pursuing that option with any number of guys that I could have called up, I instead asked my dad if he would wait up for me. Which he did and I found that my "desire" was satisfied after I got home.

Once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely and we never lack for understanding or compassion...The Christian who is truly intimate with Christ will never draw attention to himself but will only show the evidence of a life where Jesus is completely in control. This is the outcome of allowing Jesus to satisfy every area of life to its depth.
- Oswald Chambers

My two struggles, wanting attention and wanting companionship. Although I don't like to admit it, I desire to be in the spotlight, to be recognized for my accomplishments. I also never want to be alone, I want that companion that never leaves. 2 signs of emotional instability. Hence why I don't like to admit it. But when I am truly intimate with Christ, I find that everything is satisfied. My goal now is to discipline myself to where I trust in Him in all areas of my life, at all times. That's my only problem at the moment, to make it consistent.

My Prince, My Jesus,
How could I refuse a walk with the Saviour of the world? My heart breaks as I reflect on all the days I have missed out on walking closely with You. I imagine You waiting for me each morning, and how it must break Your heart when I forget You are here. Please forgive me for not inviting You to share all my days with me. Today I want to invite You into my day and all my tomorrows. May I never forget to hold Your hand as we stroll through this life together. I love You, Lord.
Love,
Your Bride, who invites You now

" I love Your sanctuary Lord, the place where Your glorious presence dwells."
- Psalm 26:8

I have also been battling my laziness and desire to sleep ALL THE TIME. I'm starting to realize that this may be my biggest weakness and Satan's biggest hold over me. Last night as I was driving home I was excited for the studying and things that God was asking me to pray over before I went to bed. But as soon as I got home, this wave of tiredness hit me and instead of trying to combat it at all, I just succumbed and went to bed without even changing clothes. And then, on top of that, I slept 3 or 4 hours later than I should have. Now I understand that exhaustion will lead to lots of sleep, I understand that it is not a "sin" to sleep. I'm not trying to find things wrong with me. I am just very aware that instead of trusting Christ to provide me with adequate sleep and with the energy to do the tasks He sets before me, I instead indulge my flesh and sleep as much as possible. Which God has been trying to lead me out of. Because when I indulge my flesh, I don't have time for God. I wake up and have to run to work quickly, without that hour or so of intimacy with my Lord. Reading this excerpt today, my soul cried for those times I have ignored Him. I never want to oversleep again.

"But I say walk by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, immorality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
- Galatians 5:16-24

YUH!

Worship - Getting Naked

2010-01-06T05:28:00.000-08:00

Worship is my absolute favorite part of being a Christian. I love music. I love lyrics. I love the intimacy. I love dancing. I love swaying. I love going hoarse. I love the truth and how excited it makes me when I sing it. I love the revelations that come when I worship. I love falling on my face because I know that I am nothing and He is everything. I love that I am never closer to Him than when I worship. I love crying and laughing and screaming. I love His presence. Whether the music is slow and meaningful or fast and passionate, I absolutely love it.

For so long worship meant music to me. At the beginning of my life, it meant the music we sing right before the sermon at church. That was before God's love became real to me. When I first started that relationship with God, I found that I could worship to music, and wanted to, at all times of the day not just at church. Expansion #1. But recently I'm realizing that worship is so much more than singing. It's so much more than words, so much more than notes, so much more than instruments or voices.

It is leaving your worries behind. It is letting go of everything that haunts you. It is releasing anger, strife, despair, pride, selfishness, greed. It is getting completely naked before God and pointing to the pile of clothes and stuff behind us and saying "This is Yours." But not that, it is also pointing to our naked, helpless, worthless bodies and saying "I am Yours." This can happen in music, and I find that I enjoy it best in music. But it also happens in other areas of our life as well.

Worship is giving God the best that He has given you.
- Oswald Chambers

What has God given you that has radically changed your life? What is the best thing about your marriage, your family, your job, your friends, your possessions? How are you giving that up to God?

How are you worshiping?

Wanting Those Arms Around Me

2010-01-05T14:08:00.000-08:00

Why can't we accept what God wants to give us or teach us when it's easy? Why do we make it hard? Why are we so stubborn and obstinate that we wait until we have no other options, until we lose everything to finally submit?

I used to think that we were just stupid and always missed the message until we were completely broken on our faces. But I'm beginning to believe that it is only on our faces that we can understand the message. I think it is the process of being broken that helps us understand the message. It is in that place of desperation and destitution that we fully experience grace, mercy, and love.

All the promises I say, all the resolutions I make are pointless if I think that I can accomplish or fulfill them. I can't eat healthy for a year...I can't even eat healthy for an hour. I can't discipline myself to not stay up late. I can't...but He can. That's what it's all about isn't it? Surrendering everything to Him because we can't do it. Period. Zilch. Nada. No way Jose. He is the Almighty for a reason...and we aren't for a reason.

It's when we come to the end of ourselves, when we have nothing left to give, no other options to pursue that we can finally receive the Holy Spirit and allow Him to work through us. I believe that this is how things are supposed to work, that it's part of the process. We shouldn't look back and think "If I had only figured it out back then, I wouldn't be in this mess". You were SUPPOSED to go through that mess. You were SUPPOSED to get to this point. Because no way no how were you going to figure it out back then...it's impossible. It'd be like wishing you had the physical body of a college football player when you were 5...it's not going to happen. Neither could you wish that you had the knowledge of a college graduate as a freshman in high school. It's just a waste of time, because that's not how things work. Time and Experience are necessary teachers.

In other news, it's getting harder to stay committed to God as my husband. I have to completely change my whole mindset, just as if I had an earthly husband. If I had an earthly husband, I couldn't go out with friends til the wee hours of the morning like I did as a single. It's different having to think of another person before myself. Which just goes to show you how selfish I've been my entire life. I think the hardest things are not thinking of myself first and not pursuing the comforts of another human. Sometimes I just want to be held, to have someone to talk to after I get off work, someone to go grocery shopping with, to call on my breaks. Since I don't have that someone, I'm forced to seek God in those moments. And those moments are precious. I love them. But that small ache is still there and hasn't quite gone away.

Maybe because I don't want it to.

The Satelite Dish

2010-01-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been struggling with staying on task, spiritually speaking. Either I am completely lazy and sleep in and so have a wrestling match to deal with the rest of the day or I wake up on time and have a great God time but find that I get lost halfway through the day. I'm not straying far from the mark, or off the beaten path. I'm not out doing things totally out of character or forsaking my faith. But my mindset is wrong. Which is still sin. Because with the wrong mindset, I am in the way of what the Lord is doing and a hindrance to the things of the kingdom.

So I've been praying about it, asking God for guidance, to help me. Because if I get off track, even by a fraction of an inch, I don't want to talk to God anymore. Doesn't that sound horrible? But it's true. I have become very sensitive to when I start to fade off because all of a sudden I won't want to seek God's will on anything and instead will want to make my own decisions.

Yesterday my pastor, Paul Mints, talked about getting off track. He said it's like we're a satelite dish and have to be positioned just right to get the full, perfect signal from God. As soon as we angle to just a little bit the wrong way, we lose that signal. And he said the number 1 reason we angle off is because of a grumbling or complaining attitude.

This rings true to my heart. I know that a complaining spirit is being selfish and so can't be used of God. I also know that it can't hear God's voice or direction either. And I'm sure this is what has hindered me of late. I wasn't aware of it until yesterday, but I have had a complaining spirit. A spirit that felt slighted, felt hurt, felt that everyone was out to get them, and that concessions should be made on my behalf. Basically, I reverted to a 3 year old.

Rejoice always;
^B)">pray without ceasing;
in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.
^D)">Do not quench the Spirit;
do not despise ^E)">prophetic ^a]">utterances.
But ^F)">examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good;
abstain from every form of evil.
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-22

Paul challenged everyone to a 14 day "No Grumble" challenge. Absolutely no verbal or mental complaining, arguing, or grumbling. He used the above passage to show that if we begin our day rejoicing in the Lord, and continue our day as such then we will find it easier to be thankful in everything, to pray continuously, to hold what is good close, and to keep away from evil.

It'll be hard. But I know this is true. Already, in several different points and from several different sources God has taught me to begin my day rejoicing and praising Him, to have a thankful heart. I just didn't pick up on the "no grumbling" part of that and so had to wait to have Him tell me it directly. Laugh out loud.

It's a short blog, I know. I would expound more, since I haven't even touched on my studies the past couple of days. But this morning I prayed with a friend and so didn't find the time to blog before work and as of now I may be late from my break because I've taken the time to write this. We shall try again tomorrow!

And So It Begins...

2010-01-02T07:51:00.000-08:00

Here's a revelation for ya...following God is hard.

Here's another one...I'm a lazy son of a gun...minus the son part.

It's day 2 of committing an entire year to God and I find that while I'm starting to recognize God as my husband, while I was obedient and bought a ring as a symbol, while I have done several things to implement His tasks for me, I am still far from the mark. I only halfway work towards becoming the woman God wants me to be, I'm not throwing my whole resolve into it.

Am I doing everything to follow Your will? Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?

I know I'm moving in the right direction...but I'm not taking the direct path. I'm meandering. I'm wandering. I'm wasting time and resources. I'm not fully obeying. I don't think it's willful disobedience...I think it's just laziness. Which I guess is a type of willful disobedience.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that does not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

This is the real deal. I can't just have a revelation and be excited and continue on with my life. This takes real dedication, real resolve, real discipline. Three things I've never had my entire life. I have so much passion, but without proper training I find it dies quickly.

I'm scared too. That's another reason I've been reserved in my journey. What if God asks me to witness to someone? What if I misunderstand His direction and speak to someone who doesn't want to hear? What if I ruin a friendship? What if that person doesn't understand? What if I embarrass myself trying to explain? What if my co-workers scorn me for sharing my faith? What if I become lumped together with all the other "Christians" they ridicule every day? I've never had a clear, direct call to tell a specific someone about Christ. In conversations about church or morals or Christianity, I never know what things to press and what things to leave alone. How do I challenge people to see the truth without coming off abrasive? How do I gain people's respect?

Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to "go out" in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely.
- Oswald Chambers

"Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God-this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the patterns of this world but be transformed in the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is-His good, pleasing, and perfect will."
- Romans 12:1-2

All it takes is obedience in the form of surrender. I believe that God develops the rest of it, love, faith, perserverance, discipline, discernment, grace, etc inside of us (or outside of us) in His own time in preparation for what journey He takes us on.

The Effect of Others

2009-12-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

I care about what people think. I don't want to. I pretend not to. But I do. Way too much.

One joke about my sunday attire from my aunt made me want to completely change my wardrobe.

One nasty yet honest message from an ex boss had me crying to my parents like my heart was broken.

One varying opinion about how God speaks to us made me start wondering if I was hearing God correctly.

I can survive a lot of things. I can live without running water. I can go without food. I can live in extreme conditions. I can have crisis after crisis hit me and those around me, and I can not only survive but thrive. But as soon as someone attacks me, I fall apart.

I guess I'm like Clara Barton in that regard. Whenever a crisis hit, she was all business and she took care of everyone around her. She was the strongest woman ever when it came to taking care of people. But when it came to defending herself, she couldn't do it. When someone bullied her or attacked her, she crumbled.

I don't like it. Not only do I not like having a weakness (a remnant of the old me, who felt she had to be strong in all aspects) but I hate the effect it has on my relationship with Christ. My trust in Him falters. I start listening to those around me, rather than His voice. I start to question everything He's told me, not questioning Him but rather questioning my ability to hear Him. I start to feel very isolated and distant, and start thinking that maybe it's all in my head.

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the
prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games
goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we
do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man
running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body
and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not
be disqualified for the prize."
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

The only opinion I should worry about is God's. The only voice I should listen to is God's. I cannot get sidetracked. I cannot be dissuaded or discouraged. I cannot stop or slow down. I must beat my body and make it my slave. I must continue on, staying in strict training so that I am not disqualified.

Because no matter what people say, God is still sovereign. God still reigns. And He is the only one I am accountable to. He is the one who calls me forward, who runs alongside me, who is my trainer and my friend and my lover. My parents do not do that, my friends do not do that, my boss does not do that, my pastor does not do that. As valuable as they are to me, they are nothing compared to my Saviour. I would forsake all those relationships before I would forsake my Father.

And so I run. I run for Christ. I run for His glory. I run for His kingdom. The only voice I hear is my Coach's. The only advice I heed is my Coach's. The only face I search for in the crowd is my Coach's. The only approval I seek is His. I run to win His prize.

My beautiful bride,
You are so beautiful to Me. I wish for one moment that you could see what I
see when I look at you. When I gaze at you, I see a treasure ready to be
discovered, a princess ready to shine, and a bride ready to be loved. When I
look at you...I love what I see! If you could grasp how beautiful you are in My
eyes, then you would never feel insecure again. The beauty I created you to be
is a reflection of Me, My love. I created you in My image, so never doubt again
that your eternal beauty is a breath of heaven!
Love,
Your Adoring Prince,

"For your royal Husband delights in your beauty; honor Him, for He is your
Lord."
- Psalm 45:11

My actions are for Him. Everything I do is for Him. These things can be criticized and analyzed by others, but I know that only He can judge me. But when it comes to my physical attributes, these I often feel are judged and I feel the less for it. I don't feel pretty or beautiful or acceptable by the world's standards.

But my Husband finds me delightful. When He sees me, He desires to wrap me up in His arms and shower me with kisses. My beauty moves His heart. My eyes draw Him in. My scent is intoxicating to Him. He desires nothing more than to be near to me.

With love like that, I find that I don't give a rat's butt what you think about me.

Obedience: The Name of the Game

2009-12-27T12:24:00.000-08:00

Our battles are first won or lost in the secret places of our will in God's presence, never in full view of the world. The Spirit of God seizes me and I am compelled to get alone with God and fight the battle before Him....I must first get the issue settled between God and myself in the secret places of my soul, where no one else can interfere. Then I can go ahead, knowing with certainty that the battle is won.
- Oswald Chambers

I love how everything God shows me builds on each other. I love how I learn a new facet of a concept I thought I understood.

It's cool to read things from Oswald Chambers and realize that God has been teaching these very concepts to me. Oswald just hits the nail on the head everytime, verbalizes for me what I already know in my subconscious.

You can't learn biblical truths outside of His presence. It won't stick. I have 20 years of experience to attest to that. You won't get it. It won't make sense. You won't recognize the significance. I get frustrated with my siblings for not understanding "simple" biblical concepts, but I've come to realize that not only was I the same way when I was their age, but it's because I wasn't in God's presence that it didn't make sense. That's why everything is so fresh and new to me right now...because I'm learning everything anew, in His presence...and I'm REALLY learning it this time. The stuff I repeated over and over in Sunday School is making sense...the Bible is coming alive!

Things that I don't understand, concepts that are difficult or confusing, all of these things I have to work through with God's supervision. My faith has to become real and true and genuine and unique to me before I can go out and use it in the world.

...every once and a while, God brings us to a major turning point - a crossroads in our life. From that point we either go toward a more and more slow, lazy, and useless Christian life, or we become more and more on fire, giving our utmost for His highest - our best for His glory.
- Oswald Chambers

This is the point I have found myself. Every morning God wakes me up and I spend time soaking up as much as I can. During the day, He stays with me and whispers to me new things and new thoughts. Before I go to bed, He ministers to my heart and encourages me. The intimacy is astounding. The love is everlasting. The fire is unquenchable.

My Lord and Husband,
I am in awe. What a strange and wondrous thought to think of You, my God, as my eternal Husband. There is something so astonishing about discovering I am your Bride, the Bride of Christ. Yes, I want You to lift the veil and let me see You as my Prince and me as your Princess Bride. You are the one true love my heart has longed for all my life. So today I stand at Your altar ready to surrender my heart, my soul, and all that I am...May I find myself as I begin to seek You with all that is within me.
Love,
Your Princess Bride

"Let us rejoice and be glad and give Him glory! For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready."
- Revelations 19:7

I gladly submit. I gladly obey. I gladly sacrifice. I gladly surrender.

Wedding Ring

2009-12-26T13:57:00.000-08:00

So I'm at work, polishing some glasses in the back. I'm by myself and just kinda thinking about stuff. Trying to get my mind in a good spot for work. Talking to the Holy Spirit, all that good stuff. I dunno how it happened or how I got to that point but God told me to buy a ring for myself. Which is weird, since He just told me to limit my spending to the absolute minimum and pay off my debts. He said that this ring would be a gift from Him (since all my money is His money anyway), that I should wear it on my wedding ring finger as a reminder of how much He loves me. In essence, God proposed to me.

I know it's crazy. I think Christians in general are sick of hearing "I'm married to Jesus" and all that jazz. I know I sound like a nutcase. But God does crazy things...which is why I like Him so much.

Here's the deal. I've known, ever since I got to that dating age, that God didn't want me dating. In the back of my mind, I knew that my pursuit should not be dating. I knew before every boyfriend I ever had that I was not supposed to date that person...that not only were they NOT right for me, but that I wasn't supposed to be dating yet anyway. I knew that there was something I needed to learn, some state of being I had to attain before I would be ready to date and before God would bring me someone worth dating. But I've always been so desperate to be loved, that I would chase men down whether for a relationship, for companionship, for a hook up, whatever it was. So finally God had me commit to one whole year of not dating...and not only not dating, but not pursuing any kind of relationship with a man. Not to spend any extra time than I have to with guy friends, not to spark up new friendships with guys, not to entertain advances from guys, not to flirt around, not to play around. Nada, nothing.

I know none of y'all are in my brain...but that's very hard for me. My brain is trained to immediately size up all the eligible bachelors in the room as soon as I walk in and to watch them to see if they are showing even the slightest interest in me. It's a frigging disease. I didn't realize how insane I am until I tried to stop. And it's gotten hardcore ridiculous.

So I guess when I was polishing those glasses, I was thinking about how hard it is to not want guys to show interest in me and how it will command all my attention, especially while I'm at work. And I was thinking about how it's even harder when the guys start flirting with me first. I guess that's when God interjected with His proposal. Wearing a ring as if I am married is a good deterrent to guys advances and it's a great reminder to myself to act as if I was married.

Which I am. Aren't we all, as Christians, the bride of Christ?

"For your Maker is your Husband,
the Lord of Hosts is His name,
and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,
the God of the whole earth He is called"
- Isaiah 54:5

I've been reading this verse over and over and over. I absolutely love it. This is how God has been presenting Himself to me recently, as my Husband. He's trying to show me that when I am desperate for love, I have someone to fulfill that. Before when I would turn to a guy to talk to, or to keep me from being lonely, now He's showing me that I have a Husband who does all of that. Every part of me desires that relationship, that husband that I wake up to and spend time with doing silly things like budgeting...and God's showing me that He already does that for me. He shows me how to use my money. He wakes me up in the morning. He is there with me as I sleep. He comforts me when I mess up. He gives me the energy I need to get through work.

He lead me to James Avery and had me buy a simple silver band. I was disappointed, wanting a ring with a rock on it, that was sparkly and shiny, since it's a "wedding" ring. But this ring is economically smarter and really, it fits me better. I'm not a sparkly kinda girl. I'm not a big, flashy rock kinda girl. I don't really need to impress people. I don't wear a lot of jewelry. This ring is simple and elegant. It fits my finger perfectly and everytime I see it, I feel joy flow through my body. I feel the Holy Spirit wrap His arms around me. I feel loved.

Thinking of God as my Husband helps me to rely on Him more. It helps me trust Him more. Our relationship is becoming more intimate. I'm not sad that I won't be dating this year, as I was at first. I'm not lonely. I don't fear the future. In fact, it will take a lot of convincing to get married I believe in the future when I do meet my husband.

When you have God, why long for anything else?

It is Definitely a White Christmas

2009-12-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

God is sovereign. (Duh)

My family and I left for Kansas at 10:00 am on Christmas Eve. This was already a monumental trip for me because I wasn't dreading the trip like I normally do and because I was driving my car up there for the first time. Usually, I hate everything about our trip to Kansas. I hate the long drive, I hate being with my family, I hate that I don't get as many presents as I want, whatever it is I find something to hate and be grumpy about. But this year, God really has worked in my heart and changed it. Several months ago, He showed me that I was holding a lot of bitterness in my heart towards my Grandma and helped me to let go of it. After that was gone, I could recognize that my Grandma goes absolutely stir crazy making sure everything is perfect for Christmas, the only time we see her. So God told me to try and help her out, take the burden off her, by asking my family and my aunt's family to take responsibility for some of the meals. This would allow Grandma to actually sleep in some days and relax some during the day. And He asked that I drive myself up there so that we would have the room for all the presents and food and such that we would need to bring up north.

Little did I know that all this was just preparation, just getting my heart ready for what was to happen Christmas Eve.

2:35 pm on Christmas Eve found me in a ditch, facing the wrong side of the highway, with Oklahoma's worst blizzard blowing around me. After 45 minutes of waiting for my dad to turn around and come back to where me and my sister spun out (we were screaming on the walkie talkie while we spun out and "crashed" but my dad just thought we were playing around. It took several minutes to convince him we really were stuck) we then transferred all our belongings in my car to my dad's suburban which was already packed full. Once we were all back in the vehicle, sitting on top of things and buried underneath bags and blankets, my dad then proceeded to slowly back up to the on ramp so we could get to the nearby walmart...because visibility was so bad we couldn't see anything in front of us. Once in the walmart we wandered around for 3 hours to see if the storm would die down. It didn't. Walmart closed down and we drove the half mile to the shelter that Purcell, Oklahoma had put together for those stranded in the storm.

If I was in the normal "I hate my life" attitude I usually am for this trip, I would have been miserable at this point. Instead, I was having the time of my life. I felt like I was on an adventure! Spinning out on the road was like a roller coaster, fighting the snow storm getting to and fro was like being in a National Geographic special, and I had a blast wandering around Walmart (Dad had to keep me from spending all my money though haha). Once we were at the shelter, I went on an expedition to find coffee...and succeeded! I was able to get coffee started for the 100+ people who had gathered with us in the gym, which was cool. Then to pass the time me and my family played ninja wars for a while (which was very entertaining to everyone else stuck there I'm sure). When we realized we would be staying the night, I was able to help unload and clean cots for all the little kiddos, clean the bathrooms, change into jammies, wash my hair in the sink, and mop up all the water from the snow dragged in by everyone's boots. The next day while my dad drove a young woman home (her car was stuck and she was only 20 miles from home), me and my sisters helped serve breakfast to all those at the shelter and hotel stuck for the day. Ruby's was the only restaurant that would open up for us and made a big buffet breakfast for free. Me and my sisters helped by cleaning everything, picking up trash, directing people to where to get things, talking with whoever we could to keep their spirits up, and by gathering donations for the owners of the restaurant. We never got bored and when my dad came back with my car we finally headed for Kansas.

What's really cool is to recognize how my attitude really set the attitude for the trip. I could tell that my dad was getting tired and frustrated, especially while we were in Walmart. My sister Elise has the same temperament I have and easily could have adopted my same "I hate life" attitude if I had it at all. But because I stayed in good spirits the entire time and went around looking for ways to help, she and Candace followed suit. Elise made friends with several adults and struck up conversations everywhere she went. Candace helped a lot with the restaurant. It's just really cool to see how different this Christmas is from every other Christmas I've ever had. All because of this change God's done in my heart.

Got My Butt Kicked

2009-12-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

It's crazy how quickly one can get off track. Satan knows just what to do to distract you. Don't think he takes a break or sleeps or even blinks when it comes to attacking you. You give him one little opportunity to injure you and he is going to take it.

Saturday night I worked til midnight, and didn't get to bed until almost 2am. I woke up at 9 the next morning and had to teach the pre-k sunday school class. For whatever reason, that class absolutely wiped me out...I was so tired afterwards. For lunch I went to Blue Cow for the wifi and instead of doing my time with God then like I had originally planned, I watched School of Rock instead. Bad idea.

That night I went to my friend's family Christmas party, which was a blast I blend in with his Mexican family very well (lol). However, I knew that I was in completely the wrong state of mind. I was in that "gotta hook up with someone" kinda mood and was fighting it all night. It didn't help that my friend had a very cute, very drunk cousin who would have been a very willing participant. The night ended well, I didn't conquer my own brain but did succeed in not following through on anything.

But when God woke me up this morning, before my alarm goes off at 6am, I simply rolled over. I didn't want to get up and spend time with Him. I wanted to sleep. Which of course meant that I slept too long and was almost late to work. Not only that, even though technically I got plenty of sleep last night, I do not feel refreshed today. This morning I was dragging for a good 4 or 5 hours before I finally started to feel like I was in at least 3rd gear.

This is not a casual stroll through the park that God has called me to. This is serious. This is for real. I can't take a day off from spending time with God. I can't get "too busy" or be "too tired". It can't happen. Because Satan will walk all over me if I give him the opportunity.

Yesterday at the party, I had an awesome opportunity to invite some people to my church...which would have changed their lives simply because I think my church is just that awesome...but because I wasn't prayed up, I think I didn't hear God's promptings and missed it. This morning, everyone was dragging...if I had woken up and gotten my gears rolling, I could have made a huge impact on the people I work with, and it would have made a difference in my service to my tables.

Lately God's really been breaking down on my ideas of helping people. You know, it's not my experiences that make my faith real. Just because God has always taken care of me and I have experienced some miracles doesn't mean I have genuine faith. My faith has to come from God's truth for it to be real.

My experience is not what makes redemption real - redemption is reality.

Never support an experience that does not have God as its Source and faith in God as its result.

Is JEsus Christ Lord of your experiences, or do you place your experiences above Him?

"I do not care what I experience - I am sure of Him!"

Faith based on experience is not faith; faith based on God's revealed truth is the only faith there is.

- Oswald Chambers

God never ceases to kick me in the butt with Oswald Chambers...thank goodness.

Evangelism...GO!

2009-12-19T07:03:00.000-08:00

It's so crazy to me how hard Satan works to get us completely opposite of God's plans for us.

All my life I've known some things about myself. I was never going to be a stay at home mom, I probably wouldn't have kids at all, I was going to go to a prestigious school and get a great job and make something of myself (which hopefully included money as well), and I was certainly never going to be a missionary. I wanted to travel but on my terms, for business and such. And I sure as hell was never going to lead someone to Christ unless they walked up to me and asked me to...and even then, I probably wouldn't.

Oh how funny I used to be. Now I know that God's will for me is for me to not only be a stay at home mom, but to be a mom to whoever needs one. Not only has He told me I'm going to have several kids of my own, but that I will be adopting and be a foster parent for years and years after my own children have left the house. I am not going to school at all, and may never actually get a degree...and if I do, it probably won't be one that's acceptable in the professional world. I am definitely going to travel but not for business! I am definitely called to be a missionary and I am DEFINITELY called to be an evangelist. Oh boy.

So recently God has been teaching me things about evangelism, about the lost, about being a missionary, to get rid of all the fallacies and lies Satan had been feeding me for 20 years of my life. For instance, I have always been a "preach the love of God" fanatic and have never liked hearing fire and brimstone sermons. In fact, I always believed that those people who preached a fire and brimstone, "repent and be saved", message were faaaaaar from God. So I just always discredited them. But today God told me that they are preaching the message He wants said.

If you are sensitive to God's way, your message as His servant will be merciless and insistent, cutting to the very root. Otherwise there will be no healing.
-Oswald Chambers

So really, if my spirit was fully in line with God, and I was allowing Him to use me as His vessel, than I should be saying things that don't allow people to hide from their sin. Things that force them to look at the unpleasant things about them and come to terms with it. Because God can't heal someone, can't bring them to Himself if they aren't listening and if they don't know that they need Him.

If a person cannot go to God, it is because he has something secret which he does not intend to give up - he may admit his sin, but would no more give up that thing than he could fly under his own power.
-Oswald Chambers

One reason I don't like talking to unbelievers about sin and about finding grace in Christ is because I'm afraid they won't accept. In fact, I'm afraid they'll be pissed off. But I have to continually remind myself that it is not me they are mad at, it is God. And that it is their own fault if they do not accept, not mine.

The best advice I have gotten today, that my church The Community At Lakeridge really adheres to, is to "deal with people where they are, until they begin to realize their true need." I love that whole idea...because it combines my desire to love people as God loves them with the "repent" mindset that I hate so much...it takes both extremes and brings them to a happy middle, which is what the life of a Christian is all about...everything in moderation.

I'm still scared. It's still a huge deal for me to climb out on that limb. But I also know that God has given me a job where I come into contact with a lot of people for practice and surrounded me with people who have the same calling on their lives as examples and encouragement.

My Beloved,
I alone see the secret fears of your heart, My love. When you are fearful of the storms that rage in this life, hear Me whisper, "Be still nad know that I am God." Close your eyes and call out to Me, for I am your Pricne of Peace. I will calm the storm inside your soul. Every time you allow Me to navigate your life, you will be reminded that I am your Captain. You can count on Me. I made the seas, and I am your lighthouse when you need hope.
Love,
Your Prince and Saviour

"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed."
- Psalm 107:29

2009-12-18T10:28:00.000-08:00

Blogging is such a blessing for me. The way my brain works, I have to write things out or talk them out for me to really learn/understand what I learned. So after I read something in the Bible or after God tells me something, I gotta write or talk about it quick! Because I'll lose whatever it was real quick. Soon whatever God told me will get twisted in remembering or I won't know what it was exactly that I just learned.

I've written in journals and things for years but it's never been a huge help since physically writing takes up so much time. My hand cramps pretty quickly and half the time I just stop whatever I'm writing. It's also slower and I don't feel like the words flow out of my heart like they do when typing.

Blogging is organized too, which I am definitely not. Everything I write is right here in the same spot, on my page or in my archives. The dates and comments are all there together, just a click away. Everything is neat and in its place.

It's also pretty! I am not a decorating type personality, I wouldn't know how to make anything pretty...but I know what I think is pretty. I can find things that I like and I enjoy pretty things. I like for my room to be decorated, I just dunno how to do it. I like for my writing to be on pretty pages or whatever, I just dunno how to do it. Having a blog online makes it easy for me to find a layout that I like and put it on my page.

I also love blogging cuz it's gotten me doing things consistently...which if anyone knows me is practically a miracle for me. I am not consistent at all....consistently inconsistent, if you will. Blogging is helping me make time with God a priority and a daily occurence. Because to blog, I have to spend time with God first....cool how that works out, I can't blog without meeting with God first...my brain just won't allow it.

God isn't waiting until January 1st, 2010, to start working on me. He's got me cutting off dead limbs already, pointing out the parts of me that don't obey, that don't trust, that are selfish. This morning it was my sleeping habits. I sleep a lot...and I love to sleep. Sometimes I try and make excuses, say there must be something wrong with me, that I need that much sleep. My mom always tells me that I need it, that my brain is growing or something like that. (ya right, btw!) But in reality, I'm either escaping responsibilities or I'm indulging myself. Neither of which are good.

When I wake up late or when I snooze my alarm or when I don't even set an alarm, I wake up dreading the day. I wake up achy and sleepy and snoozy woozy. And I'm usually frustrated that I'm late or that I have to prioritize what I can get done in the little time I have left. So I asked God when I need to get up every morning. At first I tried to think about "ok if i work a double, I need up at this point but if I don't I can wake up later!" but God nixed that idea in the butt and said "get up at 6am every morning".

0_0

oh dear.

I'm scared, but I'm also tired of my "sluggard" ways. So I am praying that God wake me up before my alarm every morning, no matter how late I go to bed or how tired I am. That He would give me the rest that I need and allow me time for a nap during the day if I need it.

I'm excited too...because getting up that early guarantees me over an hour of time with Him...it means I'll always have those few extra minutes to clean my room, to do my laundry, all these little things that drive me up a wall if I can't find the time for them.

Yay bootsie, let's go!

Something Greater Than the Temple

2009-12-16T05:25:00.001-08:00

"I tell you something greater than the temple is here."
- Jesus

"Behold my servant, who I uphold, my chosen,
in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations."
- God

"But if it is by the Spirit of God that I cast out demons, then the kingdom of God has come upon you."
- Jesus

"An evil land adulterous generation seeks for a sign, but no sign will be given to it except the sign of the prophet Jonah. For just as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of the great fish, so will the Son of Man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth."
- Jesus

Whoa. Awesome. Get ready.

Lord, Your kingdom come! The first quote is what Jesus tells the pharisees when they challenge him about the sabbath. (all of these quotes are from Matthew 12, check it out). Jesus is like "Shut up. Something bigger than your precious temple, your precious laws is here. This is huge." It gives me tinglies, this phrase does...it's such a simple sentence but there is nothing tame about it! It's dying to just boom across the nations.

Did anyone else notice the Holy Spirit so prevalent in the New Testament? Why don't churches focus on that or point that out? Did anyone else know that Jesus did all his miracles THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT...Hello! How can you deny the presence and workings of the Holy Spirit through believers in the modern day when Christ couldn't do ANYTHING without the Holy Spirit on him.

Christ validates himself when the pharisees challenge him about casting out demons. They told the crowds that he cast them out because he was actually Satan and so had dominion over them...like God doesn't rule over the demons as well. Jesus shuts them up real quick when he tells them that BECAUSE he casts out demons proves that he is not a demon and that in fact THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS HERE. Did you hear that? THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS HERE. Oh my lanta.

Everyone wants proof. Everyone wants a sign. But guess what?!?!?! The best and perfect and ONLY sign is that of Christ's death for three days and resurrection after...if you can't believe after that, there is NOTHING that will convince you to follow him. If you can't believe in a God, who's perfect and pleasing will involves you being loved by the only One who knows how, after Jesus gave up deity, gave up his power, gave up his comforts to live a hard life as a human, having to rely on the Holy Spirit to give him his own power, died the most physically and mentally and spiritually difficult death and then conquered OVER death, than there is no hope for you. If that doesn't convince you, nothing will.

God's perfect will never changes. But there is His permissive will as well, that allows things into our lives and our reactions to these things are huge. We aren't supposed to turn on God and start arguing with Him because of what He allowed into our lives. We aren't supposed to blindly accept it and move on as if it never happened. We are supposed to wrestle it out, fight our nature that wants to reject or ignore it until we get to the point where we completely trust in God and then His perfect will in that moment is revealed to us...and we understand the significance of this invasion into our Christian lives.

It's only after wrestling through things that I can pray with power. Otherwise, my prayers are limp and ineffective.

"If you ask me to pray for you, and I am not complete in Christ, my prayer accomplishes nothing. But if I am complete in Christ, my prayer brings victory every time."
- Oswald Chambers

"The purpose of prayer is to bring heaven's power to bear on earth's circumstances."
- Donna Partow

This morning it seems that God is telling me three things. First, that His kingdom is here! And it's got me excited! Second, that prayer is power and I HAVE to wrestle through the things that He throws my way, not just ignore them and move on. Because it's important for me to understand. And because my prayers are dead otherwise. And thats part of the reason He is calling me for this one year...so that I learn to pray with power, because He has called me to raise up people in prayer and to do His work through prayer and to battle demons and Satan with His most powerful weapon. Third, He's telling me to not worry and to trust Him...because He is going to make me fall in love with Him and nothing I encounter this next year will be without my Husband.

My Prince,
My life sometimes feels so meaningless and empty. Show me, my Prince, how to live the kind of life You have for me. I so need Your Holy Spirit to teach me what it means to live as Your Princess Bride. I am ready to leave the old me behind and become like a newly married bride, totally alive from being so in love...in love with You, my Lord. Amen!
Love,
Your Princess, who is ready to live!

"You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever."
- Psalm 16:11

One Whole Year

2009-12-15T17:50:00.000-08:00

So today CFNI finally called me to tell me that I'm accepted. I've been waiting for weeks and had assumed it wasn't happening. Plus I found out that I can't defer my loan payments because CFNI isn't an accredited university. So I would have to somehow go to school full time, work full time, pay for tuition, food, rent, gas, tithe, and insurance, while also making 4 or 5 loan payments. Ya, not gonna work.

So I thought maybe I could just take one class at TCC, it's cheap and I can afford that (somewhat) and I will still be doing SOMETHING with my life, ya know?

But God told me today what He wants me to do. And it's got me excited. Uber excited.

He told me to devote one year to Him. One whole year, where I let go of my time, my friendships, my possessions. "Give Me one year" He said, "and the debt will be gone. I will provide for you, if you just let Me."

One year. One year of working hard to pull in that extra little bit of money. One year of sacrificing the luxuries and non-necessities. One year of sack lunches, of no days off, and of no movies. One year of no boyfriends.

One year. And it will all be gone.

This time next year, I'm going to be free! $25,000 is going to be paid! And not only that, not only am I going to make $25,000 (which in and of itself is a miracle) but I'm going to make even MORE than that. God's going to overflow His blessings on me, so that I can tithe, so that I can save, so that I have money for gas...and not only THAT. He's not only going to take care of me...He's going to bless me so that I can bless others in the process!

I dunno if you're picking up on this...but this is HUGE. Monumental. Stupendous.

My Bride,
There are many things I have to offer you as your eternal Husband. I offer you everlasting life, I give you anytime access to Me. I give you unspeakable joy, an abundant life, and an eternal home. As My Bride, your prayers reach the heavens and people's lives are changed forever because I hear your every word whispered to Me. But there is more, My Beloved. I command My angels to stand guard over you. There are many things you have been spared of without you knowing. Just be blessed in knowing I have covered you wherever you have gone, and I will continue to cover you until you are finally home with Me once and for always.
Love,
Your Prince and Sole Provider

"Praise the Lord, you angels, you mighty ones who carry out His plans, listening for each of His commands. Yes, praise the Lord, you armies of angels who serve Him and do His will!"
- Psalm 103:20-21

God has had His hand over me my entire life...there are no worries with Him in control! If His angels have been protecting me up until this point, how much MORE will they surround me when I'm completely in obedience to Him!

"Strive to re-express a truth of God to yourself clearly and understandably, and God will use that same explanation when you share it with someone else. But you must be willing to go through God's winepress where the grapes are crushed. You must struggle, experiment, and rehearse your words to express God's truth clrearly. Then the time will come when that very expression will become God's wine of strength to someone else. But if you are not diligent and say "I'm not going to study and struggle to express this truth in my own words; I'll just borrow my words from someone else," then the words will be of no value to you or to others."
- Oswald Chambers

Get rid of all the flack, all the crap that keeps God from pressing down on you. Oh God, flatten me with Yourself! Don't hold back, I trust You to know exactly how much I can take!

"Your position is not really yours until you make it your own through suffering and study."
- Oswald Chambers

Can you imagine what God will teach me in the course of one year if I devote myself to Him? If I use all my spare time to delve into the Word, to flourish underneath His tutelage? "HE WON'T RELENT UNTIL HE HAS IT ALL".

"Be diligint to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."
- 2 Timothy 2:15

Obedience is the biggest aphrodisiac, I swear it is. I am bursting at the seams right now, so excited to obey and so IN LOVE that I want to scream, dance, sing praises, hug someone!

COME BE THE FIRE INSIDE OF ME, COME BE THE FLAME UPON MY HEART, COME BE THE FIRE INSIDE OF ME, UNTIL YOU AND I ARE ONE

The exciting part isn't that the debt is going to be gone....that's just a visual marker of God's blessing on me. The exciting part is how close we are going to become. The exciting part is that after this year, He will REALLY be able to use me! After this obedience, He'll know I'll be obedient in whatever He asks of me, wherever He sends me... I will finally be able to do what He's planned for me to do! He will send me to whatever country needs His love the most and after this year of falling in love with Him, I'll REALLY be able to love on other people.

This is huge. I don't think you understand just how huge.

Old Lesson...But New Still

2009-12-11T08:55:00.000-08:00

"If anyone desires to come after Me, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me."
- Matthew 16:24

Deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow Him. It's a three step process. And the whole thing is screwed from the beginning if you can't deny yourself, if you can't let go of your rights as a human, if you can't surrender your individuality to God's purpose.

But we're afraid. Our individuality is all we've ever known. It's faulty, sometimes we loathe it, but it's all we have. We know how it works, we're comfortable in our misery.

It's only when we lose our individuality that our true personality is able to come out. It's only when we surrender to Him who knows us better than ourselves that He can release all that is in us.

I have always been very self-reflective, very self-aware. It's been a blessing and a curse for years. It either helps me learn and grow or sends me into depressive, false realities. But even I, who am constantly reviewing my own thoughts, actions, and feelings, don't really know myself! I could write book after book after book about myself and STILL never scratch the surface.

It's very humbling to realize that, even with all this self-knowledge, I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. It's very humbling to know that while I think I'm doing ok, maybe even succeeding in some areas, I'm no where near where I am supposed to be, where God planned me to be.

Crazy how the things we learn build on each other...how every day a new facet is added to it, new information realized, new revelation. And yet it all comes back to one thing...surrendering everything to be swept away by Him.

YUH!

2009-12-10T22:07:00.000-08:00

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Caught in the in between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

I absolutely love this song because if I was lyrically talented, this is exactly the song I would write about myself. Desperate to be wanted and needed, desperate for love, I would change any and every aspect of myself to try and fit in or be accepted or be what people wanted. Every single one of these lines hits home.

I play my Jon McLaughlin cd all the time, just for this song. It's just so perfect. And the thing is, I know there are a lot of girls and women that this song describes perfectly. I'm not the only one. I've talked to women like me and I've talked to guys who have dated girls like me.

The past couple of years, God has healed and rescued me from this cyclical reality and now my passion is to share what He has taught me with whoever I can. With those young girls struggling through the beginning stages. With women who have battled it for years. With women who don't see a way out, who think life is like that. With men who date and or are married to these women and don't understand what is going on.

Because it is NOT reality. You don't have to feel or live that way! There is a King who loves you perfectly, like no one else can. He fills every hole in your heart and eases every ache in your soul. You don't have to try and fill it with anything else anymore! There is freedom, real and true and lasting freedom available!

This is my message, my outcry, my passion. To go forth into all nations and preach the gospel...that if we repent of ourselves and our sins and throw ourselves headfirst, feet and arms flailing if we have to, into love for Christ then we are completely and utterly filled...in fact we overflow! And these things that we fight daily, sometimes every second, are no longer an issue. They become so distant from us that we can't even see it anymore...it's so far out of our supernatural reality. That which was natural to us, is now awkward. We now live in the supernatural.

A Complete 180 Experience

2009-12-09T13:45:00.000-08:00

This morning when my alarm went off, I definitely did not want to get up. Well, I never want to get up in the morning. But this morning it was even worse since I was extremely sore from yesterday's workout and I went to bed really late last night. So I chose to sleep in (more of I never woke up, just kept snoozing my alarm) until my mom woke me up and I realized I had to leave RIGHT THEN to get to work on time.

So the start of my morning was rushed. I had to run around and grab all the things I needed, make a lunch for my break, and get in the car and go. I then realized I had to grab gas, I was worried I was going to be late again. I get to work (on time...whew!) but have one of the worst lunches. Yesterday was bad just because for some reason I kept breaking things. Today, it seemed like I couldn't keep up with my tables. My boss or the other girl working lunch constantly picked up my slack, grabbing things I forgot or whatever. I felt like such an idiot. And I couldn't get these negative, bitter thoughts out of my head no matter what. I resented the other girl working, felt like she was setting me up for failure and wasn't REALLY helping me, just pointing out what I was doing wrong. I was growing frustrated.

Finally I get my 2 and a half hour break and I journeyed to Cafe Brazil for the coffee and free wifi. I brought all my quiet time stuff so I could do it during my break. Obviously, I need to do it first thing in the morning to start my day off right...otherwise my attitude sucks. But it always amazes me how God can completely change my attitude and my heart after I spend some time with Him.

First thing I read was Oswald Chambers My Utmost For His Highest and felt the presence of the Holy Spirit around me instantly and was filled with the joy of the Lord. And it's not even a "joyful" excerpt!!! But for some reason it makes me so happy and I'm just so dang excited

"Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with it's passions and desires"
- Galatians 5:24

OOooooo this verse gives me chills and I LOVE it!

We as Christians are not asked to give up sin, to just give up a sinful life. We are called to something even GREATER than that...to give up our right to ourselves, to what is natural and good to us. Because get this...the good keeps us from the great! What is natural is good, but it distracts us and keeps us from God's purpose and God's kingdom. We are denying our right to our very self guys! That means our right to finances, our right to live, our right to have a voice, our right to bear arms, the whole nine yards! And we can't do that until we recognize the sovereignty of Jesus Christ!

A life devoted to Christ and His service is a life of the supernatural. So we need to not be hindered by the natural world so that the supernatural becomes our new natural!

"Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence"
- Oswald Chambers

Are y'all getting this? It's so epic! It's so exciting! The things that can happen if we just let go of ourselves! If we just stop expecting what we deserve or need and just "deny [ourselves] and take up [our] cross and follow Him".

"I know what it is to be in need,
and I know what it is to have plenty.
I have learned the secret of being
content in any and every situation,
whether well fed or hungry,
whether living in plenty or in want.
I can do everything through Him
who gives me strength."
- Philippians 4:12-13

Don't you get it? Don't you see? Paul wasn't hindered by the natural world! It didn't matter what was going on in his circumstances. It didn't matter that as a human, he has the right to be fed. That was not his natural world anymore! It wasn't his natural tendencies or desires or needs. All he needed was to know that Christ gave him the strength to do what he needed...and what he needed was revealed to him through the supernatural.

Oh I am so pumped. Let's go fight some demons for Jesus! Let's love Him with all our being! Let's let go of the natural and embrace the supernatural and realize that the only rules in the supernatural are His rules...anything can happen!

Rejoice!

2009-12-08T06:20:00.000-08:00

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
- Philippians 4:4-9

Positive thinking is a choice that we all have to make. You know those people that are insanely happy, all the time? That always have a smile, a joke, a grin, a chuckle to go along with everything? Who, no matter what the circumstance, always seem to find that silver lining? Guess what! They aren't that way NATURALLY! They wake up every morning and choose to be happy.

Happiness is controlled by our circumstances...or rather we allow it to be controlled by our circumstances. When something bad happens, we complain or whine or pout. When someone dies, we are sad. When we stub our toe, we get angry. BUT...we have the power to counteract these "natural" circumstance-based emotions. When something bad happens, CHOOSE to smile and thank God that nothing worse happened! When someone dies, CHOOSE to rejoice in their previous life, the impact they had on you, and (hopefully) their time now in heaven! When you stub your toe, CHOOSE to laugh at yourself!

Now here's the best part...happiness is controlled by our choices right? We have to work hard to change our attitudes and our hearts to keep that happiness in line. But as Christians, it's so much easier because the joy of the Lord is our strength! Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice!

Lord knows, I struggle with negativity as much as the next person. It's easy to let your thoughts spiral you into a state of depression and anxiety. But no more I say! There's so much to be thankful for, so many blessings in my life, so many things to learn and so much time to be spent with God, how can I waste it with "glass is half empty" approaches to life?!

Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God has done
Count your blessings, name them one by one
Count your blessings, see what God has done

Every week, I get to meet with 16 women from all walks of life and learn from them and laugh with them and cry with them and pray with them.

Every day, I get to wake up and see my family.

Every day, I get to get on my face before God and fellowship with Him.

Every day, I get to go to work and earn money to pay off bills, debts, and to invest in other people.

Every Sunday, I get to work with the cutest, most adorable little 2 and 3 year olds.

This is the Christmas Spirit guys!!! This is what Christmas is all about!!! Who says we can't have Christmas all year round!? As Christians, we can't HELP but have Christmas every single day!

Hallelujah, Praise Jesus, Amen, say it again!

Temple of the Holy Spirit

2009-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

Silly America and it's independent thought processes. Everything is me me me, I I I, myself myself myself. It's so much easier to just worry about yourself than to worry about other people, right? Which is why we spiral into depression, bitterness, etc so easily. And it's also why we forget that our bodies are not our own. They are the temple of the Holy Spirit.

We eat what we want, we do what we want, we stay up as late as we want, we go where we want, we sleep with who we want. Me me me, I I I, myself myself myself. We're not hurting anyone else, so who cares? We do it because we can, because we have the opportunity.

So why not? Why not indulge ourselves, because we deserve it right? In this crappy world, we deserve to pamper ourselves, we deserve to take advantage of what is right in front of us. Right?

"Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. 25Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 26Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; 27but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. "
- 1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Our bodies are God's, even if our minds or our emotions are not. We are supposed to control our bodies' desires, not it control us. We are supposed to "take every thought captive" and not indulge in anything that takes us away from God's will. We make excuses for ourselves so often but condemn others. Maybe because we can see the effects better in others lives but not in our own. Maybe we're just selfish brats and only care about ourselves.

There are a lot of things in my life that are needing to be pruned out. This past week I started working again and it's like I completely forgot about anyone else. I went out and stayed up late after work and then slept to the last possible second, rolled out of bed and went to work. There was no time for my God time in the morning, because I wanted to do whatever late the night before. I'm eating whatever the hell I want at work because it's available and "why shouldn't i?" I haven't been going to the gym, that I pay for every month, just because I'm uber lazy and I don't want to go. Hello, I pay for it every month! I have the time!

I've been living this past week on my agenda, not God's. God had a completely different plan for me this week and it would have been awesome. But I was too consumed in myself to bother.

Time to realign. Time to refocus. Time to get it together!

Ready, set go!

Counting My Blessings

2009-11-26T19:07:00.000-08:00

When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
When my bankroll is getting small
I think of when I had none at all
And I fall asleep counting my blessings
Bing Crosby, White Christmas

When thinking back over the year since last Christmas, it's easy to see the many blessings that I have. It's also to see how God orchestrated everything in order to grow me and teach me. And how much He loves me. It's crazy to think of the many ways I tried to veer off, to ignore Him, to forsake Him, to go my own way...and then how many times He just kept drawing me to Him.

I've been broker than I've ever been before in my life. I had bigger debts, more bill collectors, and less options. I was arrested, I wrecked my car, I found myself in horrible working conditions, I moved 4 times, I was dumped, I started going to counseling again, I was lonely, I was depressed, I lost way too much weight, I got addicted to coffee again, I was almost raped, I made a lot of bad decisions with guys, and I dropped out of school. I hit my all time lowest point.

But I am the most blessed person I know.

I am still alive.
I never once went hungry.
I was never sick.
I was NOT raped.
I am healthy again.
I am learning to deal with depression.
I didn't make the worst decision with a guy.
Counseling helped.
TCAL provided a new car.
I have a better job.
I met an awesome officer when I was arrested who helped me when I wrecked.
I am living back home with my family.
I have the opportunity to drink coffee.
I start school in January at Christ For the Nations Institute.
I am surrounded by family and friends who love me.
I live in a country where all this is possible.

I don't have much by American standards. But when you look at everyone else living in other countries...I have so much. I have so many books, so many clothes, so much makeup, so much shampoo and lotions, so much food in the pantry, so many towels...I mean, it's crazy when you really think about it how much stuff we have that we don't REALLY need. I don't need a mattress to sleep on. I don't need 10 different towels. I don't need 2o34234 different outfits. I don't need 5 kinds of lotion. I don't need my own library. So many people out there are just surviving. I think I had it bad this past year just because I had to go to Mission Arlington a couple times to get groceries...HELLO! Not everyone has a Mission Arlington they can go to! How blessed are we simply because we live in America.

And then when I think about the people I know personally that have poured into me...wow. So many teachers, parents, families, kids, friends, bosses that have impacted me. It's amazing to me how the closer I get to God, the more I love people....and the more I feel that love just bubbling out of me. It usually results in me crying. Which is awesome.

My dad. I've never been more proud of my dad than I have been this past year. Watching him step up and challenge young men in his caregroup at church and really work to teach my little brother how to be a boy. Knowing that he's working harder to make sure he is loving my mom like he should and modeling that to me and my siblings. Having him tell me that I'm beautiful, something I've been waiting 20 years to hear.

My mom. I have the hardest time loving my mom for who she is, respecting her, and not taking her for granted. Those that know me understand why. But this past year I've really been able to understand what she does for our family. She wants to stay home and teach my siblings but she took a job because the family needs the money. She works with the elderly and she absolutely loves it, she has such a heart for them. She deals with my siblings every single day who she has to repeat EVERYTHING to 3000 times before they finally get it. She plays taxi cab to everyone's needs and when I moved back home she arranged everything so I could. Everyone in the family seems to lash out at her in anger or frustration or just give her attitude but she always takes it, usually silently. She is the strongest woman on the planet.

My sisters. When I lived at home, I had absolutely no relationship with them. The older one hated me and the younger one just wanted me to acknowledge her existence. When I left home I was able to come back to them and ask forgiveness, which they gave, but it wasn't until this year and more specifically the past year, that we've started to be close as sisters should. I'm watching my sister Elise as she grows and matures. She is absolutely gorgeous and so talented. She brings people out of their shell with her humor. She lights up a room as soon as she walks in the door. She's really growing into herself, settling into her own sense of style and personality and the result is stunning. My sister Candace is so quiet but I'm learning that it doesn't mean she's weak. She loves without holding back and has no problem with welcoming people in. She is just as beautiful as my sister Elise, although she is still searching a little for her own niche in life.

My brother. Scott is the constant challenge in my life. He reminds me to stop thinking about myself and just invest in people while sacrificing a little of my time to do so. He can be throwing a hug fit and screaming and crying and slamming doors but he also calls me asking when I will come home. He can melt my heart anytime he wants to...while he can also drive me absolutely up a wall with insanity. I love it when he snuggles with me (those rare few seconds he actually sits still), I love it when he tries to scare me and laughs hysterically when he does. I love when he tries to fight me and how he keeps trying even though it's futile. I love his lisp, I love that he's so ridiculously short, I love that he isn't afraid of anything, and I absolutely love when he surprises me with his heart. I can't wait until he grows up!

And that's just my immediate family. There's so much extended family and friends that I could write about. But I've bawled enough for one night I think!

One of Those Days...Again

2009-11-25T05:59:00.000-08:00

It never fails does it. Satan comes at you like a spidermonkey just when you think you're safe or you're secure in Christ.

I wake up today feeling like I didn't sleep at all. On my morning prayer call, I couldn't concentrate or focus on any of the prayers. In my own quiet time, I couldn't get into prayer like normal. I couldn't focus on my own studies. I feel restless, reading for a couple minutes and jumping to something else.

It's hard. And by "it" I mean everything. Oswald Chambers said this morning that if you're not rooted in Christ, we are lost. We have to be consistent internally rather than externally. If my soul is always pointed towards Him, then it won't matter where I find myself or what situation I'm in because I will remain steadfast. But if I worry more about being consistently externally, i.e. legalistic, than I will be just as lost as non-believers. Being consistent internally allows me to be surrounded by non-believers and not be shaken from my beliefs. It allows me to travel all over the world, like Paul, and preach the Gospel. Because no matter the people, the customs, the situations, the message never changes. The power never lessens.

So this whole "consistent internally" is hard. Because again, I am feeling inadequate. Again, I look in the mirror and think "ew". Again, I feel frustrated that I don't measure up to the classic ideals for beauty. Again, I want to pierce and tattoo everything I can in an effort to say "fuck you" to those very ideals. Again, I feel like I need confirmation that I'm pretty. Again, I'm willing to seek that confirmation out. Again again again. All this is way too familiar to me.

My Princess, Treasure Your Body
Your body is a gift from Me, and you are too valuable to let the wrong person open that gift. You are My treasure, and My Spirit dwells within you. I know there is an inner war raging for your soul and your body-fighting against all you know to be true. Remember, My love, I can fight this battle for you, so don't compromise My best for you for a moment of passion. I know it may seem harmless to give yourself away, but the pain is not worth the pleasure. Listen, My love: Don't imitate those in the world who care nothing for your soul. Give yourself to Me, and I will give you the love you're looking for.
Love,
Your King and your Purity
"Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow" - Psalm 51:7

How can I not look at all these beautiful girls and not feel inadequate? These beautiful girls that have the body, the face, the hair, the clothes, the personality, the smile. I used to try and be just like these girls, worrying about what I eat, how my clothes fit, what clothes I'm wearing, my hair, my makeup, everything. I could never do it. I can't do it. And now I have this hopelessness that won't go away.

Here it is. I feel hopeless because I think I have to be like these girls to be loved. I have to be like these girls to attract that guy so that he'll want to marry me. Because marriage is my ultimate goal. Past that, I don't care what happens. And marriage won't come if I can't attract that guy, which I can't do unless I can somehow fit into this mold that I will never fit in.

I guess as long as marriage is my goal, I'll struggle through all this. It's when my goal is Christ that life makes sense. Those brief moments or days are the happiest of my life. Now if I can just make it last longer....

State of Mind

2009-11-23T10:38:00.000-08:00

"Our state of mind is powerful in it's effects. It can be the enemy that pierces right into our soul and distracts our mind from God." - Oswald Chambers

I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I love Oswald Chambers. I think all my quotes are from him. The man's a brilliant follower of Christ and he always says things exactly how they should be said.

Our state of mind is extremely powerful. It's what makes or breaks us. It's what sets us apart from non-believers, it's what makes us stand out in a crowd. It's what brings glory or brings shame to our Father, our Lord.

It's easy to get sucked into the wrong state of mind. I know, I think essentially this is my most constant and hardest battle in my spiritual and physical life. It's easy for one fleeting thought to set the tone for the rest of the hour, day, week, month, year. Your state of mind controls everything. Whatever state it is, everything you do, say, or think flows out of it. So if you're in a depressed state of mind, you're not going to want to go and preach the gospel to a random stranger. In fact, you probably won't even feel God's prompting to do so, because you're so wrapped up in your own pity party. Or you haven't even left the house, so there's no one to preach to anyway.

If you're state of mind is selfish in any way, whether it's a sexual state of mind, a depressed state of mind, a critical state of mind, a prideful state of mind, whatever it is, it is exhibited to everyone around you. So for you to be in a prideful state of mind and be telling people about how much God loves them, you're effect is negative instead of positive. Because those people you're talking to can see your pride and it's not matching up with what you're saying.

I think the biggest "killer" of the Christian faith are Christian's attitudes. Because we get too caught up in the ways of the world, too caught up in bills, in money, in love, in sex, in ourselves, in whatever...and it alters our attitudes, our thinking, our mannerisms, etc. When it should be the other way around, WE should be affecting the WORLD'S attitude.

If there is ANYTHING draining our spiritual walk with Christ, we are to get rid of it. That doesn't just include material things! That doesn't just include relationships we shouldn't be in! That doesn't just include jobs! In fact, I don't think it really includes those things at all because if we look at it closely we realize that the reason those things drain us spiritually is because they change our state of mind and our attitudes. But getting rid of relationships, jobs, or possesions will not necessarily change our attitudes for the better. The attitude may very well stay the way it is and just find a new way to fulfill itself.

Oh great and mighty One
With one desire we come
That You would reign
That You would reign in us
We're offering up our lives
A living sacrifice
That You would reign
That You would reign in us